Getting to the point of too old

In late times, my YM tells me that I have too many grey hairs to paint my hair black. He also says that I should wear contacts instead of my glasses and let my hair long, that I look like an old woman.

I also notice that sex is not as oftnen and that he seems disinterested.

He even said why not get plastic surgery for my chin that is not pretty. I womder if he is getting tired of me. Also I see he does not take good care of himself, no shave or haircut, sometimes a day without shower or two.

We have problems but I love him and I gave up so much. I imagine the embarrasing with friends and colleages, they will say I TOLD YOU SO.

Advice please, always good advice here

Hon, if your avatar is a picture of you, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I see no reason for any plastic surgery.

Have you had any discussions with him about how he is feeling and what he considers the status of your relationship? How old are you? And him?

I am 48 and he is 27. Peachy thank you for comment.

First, I am sorry that you are going through a difficult time with your b/f. I would say that no matter what happens, you cannot make decisions based on what other people will think or say. It would be a very sad thing to stay in a relationship just so you wouldn't hear "I told you so" The people who would say that are not being considerate of your feelings. Many relationships fail, for many different reasons and it is far easier to look back and see the problems than when they are actually occuring.

That being said, if your b/f is saying these things then it is probably time to sit down and ask him some of these questions. And also let him know that it is hurtful to you to feel like he is losing interest or doesn't accept you for who you are. Maybe the relationship needs help from a counselor, maybe a break or maybe you are finding that he is not everything you hoped for. Perhaps he is having some doubts as well, but instead of being constructive, he is snapping mean comments. The more people get anxious and worried about a little thing, the bigger it becomes in their mind. Sometimes we do not find out all there is to know about a person until we take that next step that you took when he came to live with you. No one should blame you for trying. You live and you learn....if the relationship is getting more difficult, it may be time to re-work it or move on.

In your previous posts, you mentioned before he came that he would help with finances and now he does not. That may be added stress for you both. Sex is often an extension of how close we are feeling to another person...if there are several reasons that the two of you are feeling like you are growing apart, then sex may be where you notice it. But there is probably more going on than just that.

Good luck with getting things sorted out. You deserve to be with someone who loves you for who you are. We all get old...some of us have big changes, some small...but the physical is just one small part of the connection two people feel who are dedicated, connected and in love with each other.

I agree with Peachy, Hibiscus, you are lovely!

Your YM's criticism of you, IMO, is a very bad sign. I fear that this is his personality, and that he would criticize your weight, or the way you talk, or the way you keep house if you were younger. I hope I am wrong, but if I am right, please don't feel embarrassed for having loved and taken a chance on love. There is not shame in that. The only regrets we should have are for things we have not done out of fear, not for things we have done out of hope.

((((((((((((((Hibiscus)))))))))))))))))))

I agree with Peachy, Hibiscus, you are lovely!

Your YM's criticism of you, IMO, is a very bad sign. I fear that this is his personality, and that he would criticize your weight, or the way you talk, or the way you keep house if you were younger. I hope I am wrong, but if I am right, please don't feel embarrassed for having loved and taken a chance on love. There is not shame in that. The only regrets we should have are for things we have not done out of fear, not for things we have done out of hope.

((((((((((((((Hibiscus)))))))))))))))))))

Add me to the "I think Hibiscus is lovely" list. :)

I'm sorry, I have to agree with Chatter. When a person starts needling their partner about things like this and in such a hurtful way, it's not really a good sign. I don't like the idea of you allowing him to say these things to you for very long, Hibiscus.

No matter what happens, don't let yourself feel embarrassed about this relationship. Like Chatter said, we have to take the chance on love. And anyone who says 'I told you so' isn't really worth your time anyway.

maybe for reasons to have nothing to do with age, it may be time for you to look at your young man, his actions are hurtful and his own physical grooming needs to be addressed, this is no so much an "i told you so" as much as it maybe a question if you are really suited or not?

you sound educated and professional, does he come from the same background or at least respect you for your accomplishments?

besides age this may be the type of man who because of his own insecurities takes out his baggage upon the woman he is with, i am sorry that he said those things to you.

(((Hugs to my lovely Ageless Friends)))
He is educated and can be handsome. I am a very clean woman and the lack of shower I feel lack of respect for family. He is not going out because his research is slower. He stays home. My government institutions have not cooperated information and he says that we are lazy and negative as hispanics.
Some days I feel that his sole interest in living with me is free hotel during his research.
I am willing to paint my hair but I feel that it is not the true problem. I think his fault of love is now evident. I think I will break before this Cristmas, I do not want him sharing with my family in Holy days.

I think you are making the right decision, Hibiscus. I'm sorry that he turned out to be so ugly inside, and I think you deserve much better.

You know, I did not address his lack of personal grooming. If this is very different than the way he once was, do you think he could be suffering from depression?

If so, that might explain his negative comments about you. If he is depressed and unhappy about himself, he might be projecting that unhappiness onto you too.

Just a thought.

good girl! i can see already you respect your worth! and your families worth!

peachy gave some good advice also, i am not sure if i understand his reference about hispanic's, isnt he hispanic?

if he is so hypercritical to go from nationality all the way to hair color, possibly you just have one super critical guy on your hands, if you do, you can love him inspite of himself or let him go.

either way, you sound good and i hope he comes around.

happy holidays to you.

((((Hibiscus))))

I don't have a whole lot to add to the wisdom that our friends have already posted. But, I notice I'm the first guy to post and I want to say that you look VERY PRETTY! Heck, if you lived up here in Los Angeles, I'd ask you to dine this weekend. You have the right idea to toss this clown--he's what we call a "rotten apple." No woman deserves to receive cutting remarks like that from the man in her life. Make yourself available for a man who will truly appreciate you just as you are (no need for contacts or hair dye). It's a big world, he's out there somewhere, and you deserve him.

Hola Hibiscus. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Like Peachy said, your guy seems to be suffering from depression and frustration. I do not know your situation well enough to say if his love is/was true, but who needs somebody who puts down his loved one to boost one's ego.

Hibiscus

((hugs))

ok what a jerk!!!!! :eek:

trust your intuition on this one. we all need to listen to our intuition.

why don't you have a long talk with him and ask him to move out...why live with someone who is making you feel bad about yourself...(and don't make excuses for him!!!)

when people love each other they talk of loving each other even when they're "old" and gray...(not to say you're old mind you, it's just the concept)...he certainly doesn't sound like a man in love if he's asking you to have a face lift!!!!! :eek:

screw him!!!! (i'm mad just thinking about it!) don't sell yourself short. let him go find someone who will dump him for not having enough money...his female equivalent.

you don't need to change anything about yourself.

Hibiscus,

You are such a sweet and lovely lady. You have nothing but kind words to say to the folks here.

Count me in the group that thinks you are beautiful!

Be good to yourself.

Best,
Bub

I'm in agreement. I viewed your avatar and I can not see where the complaints would be. From your posts, once again I am confused, since you come across as a very well educated and lovely sounding woman.

Love is never cruel. Tell him he is cruel and accept that it is possible you two may be moving apart from each other. You are deserving of love not pain.

Besides we all get gray hairs....mother nature will get even with his a**.

Just to date info

My bf has changed for good thanks he went to a doctor and she recipe him some antidepressants. He is sweet most times but lately he becomes agrressive, punch the TV and computer, arlso, is getting fat again sleeping much, could it be he needs dose increased? I fear addiction to pills, any experience?

P.S. My hair is still short, I use glasses, he better love me as I am. He dont complain animore

Is he just taking antidepressants or is he in therapy sessions also? I would think he would need both . . . at least at the onset.

Peachy is absolutely correct on that, Hibiscus. Just medication is probably not enough. I'm glad to hear that your relationship has made some progress, but without some therapy, the meds alone are not enough.

Oh, and add me to the "Hibiscus is lovely" list. You're very beautiful. If he can't see that, he needs to get his eyes checked!

Daniel

Just to date info

My bf has changed for good thanks he went to a doctor and she recipe him some antidepressants. He is sweet most times but lately he becomes agrressive, punch the TV and computer, arlso, is getting fat again sleeping much, could it be he needs dose increased? I fear addiction to pills, any experience?

P.S. My hair is still short, I use glasses, he better love me as I am. He dont complain animore

That happened also to my ex husband after he was on anti-depressants. He would suddenly go into a rage and later not know exactly why. They were for no apparent reason, but it affected everyone around him because we would all think that we had done something wrong at first, then realize we had done nothing to deserve it.

He also gained a LOT of weight, and sleeps a lot, too. He gets headaches as well... and he stutters while on the anti-depressant (never did before). Also, it caused him to have some paralysis in his face, but that happened after getting off the drug and then going on it again.

My ex was on the highest dose possible though.. so I don't think your guy needs his dose increased.. he may need it DECREASED.

I agree also with getting therapy with it. From what I've read in drug manufacturer's literature about their drugs, nobody should ever be given any anti-depressant without going to therapy also. My ex never went to even one day of therapy, and was never monitored by any doctor who knew anything about these antidepressants, but they would continue to (and do) renew the prescriptions over the phone. My ex is now going on 15 or 16 years on the drug now. It's caused him some brain damage now.

I'm with the others that his medication alone is not enough. It sounds like it may need to be adjusted and he definitely needs to talk to someone neutral about his anger. Smashing things is just not acceptable.

Naznoor: What a post! I did not know anti-depressants caused brain damage.

Hopefully he is under a psychiatrist's care. He may need a different antidepressant, they are not all the same. I hope he can get straightened out. It is very difficult to live with someone who has brain chemical problems, but once they get their medication straight, it becomes much easier. Best of luck, and I agree with the others, you look lovely.:)

He not goes to sessions, he just goes once a month for evaluation and get new recipe for pills but I do not think this evaluation is too good because it is too short. Just good afternoon, how you feel, chit chat and recipe for pills, bye bye. Total 15 or 20 minutes. Is that normal? My experience with this not much nobody in my family goes to psychiatist.

I think he may need to change doctor if he not improve. I have not much things and I not want to he break them. One day he can punch me too. Is that possible or comon?

My husband is bi-polar, and we went through quite a hard time about a year and a half ago. Luckily, and it was purely luck, we found a good doctor, who not only gave him the medication he needed, but also spent time talking with him to determine if the pills were working properly. It sounds to me like you should indeed look for another doctor. This one sounds like just a pill pusher. Your bf needs some more involved therapy, not just a prescription.

I wish I could tell you the best way to go about finding another doctor. All I can say is, you need someone who will spend time talking with him, and maybe doing some testing, to determine exactly how the meds are affecting him. And do be careful. He should not be having a violent reaction to what he is taking and I find it hard to believe that if he has told the doctor about his reaction to it that it hasn't been changed. You can also do your own research on what he is taking on the internet. See if you can go with him on his appointments and talk to the doctor,too. In my opinion, he should be seeing a doctor more like once a week or every two weeks until he gets stablilized.

All I can say is, educate yourself as much as possible if you plan to continue the relationship. And best of luck.

One day he can punch me too.

Please PM me.

He not goes to sessions, he just goes once a month for evaluation and get new recipe for pills but I do not think this evaluation is too good because it is too short. Just good afternoon, how you feel, chit chat and recipe for pills, bye bye. Total 15 or 20 minutes. Is that normal? My experience with this not much nobody in my family goes to psychiatist.

I think he may need to change doctor if he not improve. I have not much things and I not want to he break them. One day he can punch me too. Is that possible or comon?

I see several problems here. He needs to be going to the sessions for one, and not just once a month. In following this thread, he seems to have an abusive side to his personality. Not good at all.

Lastly, in your last sentence do you mean that you're afraid that one day he might punch you? Or do you mean that one day he did?

No man should ever strike a lady. There is absolutely no excuse for it. If he's hit you, you need to physically separate from him. No lady deserves to be hit.

If he hasn't hit you, you still don't deserve to live in fear. If he's making you live in fear, that's abusive too.

Daniel

I read in an old thread of yours that he is not Ecuadorian. Spanish is not his native language, make sure that his doctor speaks perfect English because I do not think that the doctor and him will be spending a lot of time talking if they have to strugle with the language barrier.

I am honestly afraid of the violent behavior, that tends to escalate. PM me for my email, so we can correspond in Spanish if you wish.

Naznoor: What a post! I did not know anti-depressants caused brain damage.

You can start with this link:

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/Forum114/HTML/002176.html

search for the word "Harvard" on that page and it will bring you to a post which discusses how the brain is damaged. I just googled on key words "SSRI", "brain damage", and "Harvard" and that's one of the pages that came up. Originally, I read the information from other sources, including the book Prozac Backlash: Overcoming the Dangers of Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil and Other Antidepressants by Joseph Glenmullen, M.D., a psychiatrist at Harvard Medical School.

He not goes to sessions, he just goes once a month for evaluation and get new recipe for pills but I do not think this evaluation is too good because it is too short. Just good afternoon, how you feel, chit chat and recipe for pills, bye bye. Total 15 or 20 minutes. Is that normal? My experience with this not much nobody in my family goes to psychiatist.

I think he may need to change doctor if he not improve. I have not much things and I not want to he break them. One day he can punch me too. Is that possible or comon?

That's what would happen with my ex, too. In fact, in most cases, my ex never even had to go into a doctor's office. He would just call the doctor (who was is a general practitioner and has only seen the ex once for a cold) and the doctor asks him, "how are you feeling?" then renews the prescription. I think that ought to be criminal, but what can you do when someone's addicted to it anyway and needs to keep getting the drug? The addicted one, in most cases, isn't going to turn in the doctor for not monitoring properly.

And my ex didn't even have to call the doctor once a month.. he'd get prescriptions for a whole year or so, and also somehow through family members got free pills from doctors who gave them away as samples.

just a note from a health care professional here.....a link to a blog with lay people discussing SSRI's is fine, but it's not scientific, and I don't think we should incite panic in people on antidepressants. many people have been on these life-saving meds for years (a little neurotoxicity, if it's so, trumps suicide any day) and each individual needs to make informed decisions with their MD/psychiatrist.

and by the way, i agree that anyone taking antidepressants, at least initially (until stable) need psychotherapy.

Naznoor: What a post! I did not know anti-depressants caused brain damage.

They don't, in most cases. I was on Paxil for 4 yrs, now on Prozac for the past 7 yrs. I know several people who are on anti-depressants, as well. No brain damage that I know of.

I hate to say it, Hibiscus, but this almost sounds like a mild case of bi-polar. My first ex has that.
Whether it is or isn't, it sure does sound like a dosage adjustment, or even an entirely different A-D, is needed.

I see several problems here. He needs to be going to the sessions for one, and not just once a month. In following this thread, he seems to have an abusive side to his personality. Not good at all.
Lastly, in your last sentence do you mean that you're afraid that one day he might punch you? Or do you mean that one day he did?
No man should ever strike a lady. There is absolutely no excuse for it. If he's hit you, you need to physically separate from him. No lady deserves to be hit.
If he hasn't hit you, you still don't deserve to live in fear. If he's making you live in fear, that's abusive too.
DanielGREAT post!



just a note from a health care professional here.....a link to a blog with lay people discussing SSRI's is fine, but it's not scientific, and I don't think we should incite panic in people on antidepressants. many people have been on these life-saving meds for years (a little neurotoxicity, if it's so, trumps suicide any day) and each individual needs to make informed decisions with their MD/psychiatrist.
.............THANK YOU!! I really could not agree with you more.

. . .No matter what happens, don't let yourself feel embarrassed about this relationship. Like Chatter said, we have to take the chance on love. And anyone who says 'I told you so' isn't really worth your time anyway.

I couldn't have said it any different. Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all

However, I do agree that all is not lost yet, and your YM could possibly be just this type of person who can not not say what's on his mind.

If you can at all afford it and think it may enhance your self-esteem, looks, and/or your relationship with your YM it's worth considering having long hair and probably do a few touches here and there; even younger women do this to enhance their looks nowadays.

My YM told me early on that he likes to have me grow my hair, and at the time I was overweight, and he never noticed let alone mention a thing about it then. Now that I lost about 40lbs, I feel much better about mysef, and I even look younger. I just cut my hair once during all those 6 months we have been together. I try to dye my hair before he notices too many white hairs. Better yet I think highlighting will conceal grey hair longer .

Please remember to look your best so that you will always have that magical effect on him.

That was just my humble opinion

Thank you for your posts. I will try to use contacts glasses. Long hair takes time. I think my YM is making me break up soon if not improve. I am very much sad yesterday threw my IPod and broke it. It was a birthday present from my mom and I cried.

(((Hugs to my lovely Ageless Friends)))
He is educated and can be handsome. I am a very clean woman and the lack of shower I feel lack of respect for family. He is not going out because his research is slower. He stays home. My government institutions have not cooperated information and he says that we are lazy and negative as hispanics.
Some days I feel that his sole interest in living with me is free hotel during his research.
I am willing to paint my hair but I feel that it is not the true problem. I think his fault of love is now evident. I think I will break before this Cristmas, I do not want him sharing with my family in Holy days.


I can't blame you on this...if he is not showering or taking care of himself then what is his real issue? It seems to me his caring and support of you is all fun and games and when it got rough he chose to put you down and drag you down in his muck of issues...YOU are not the problem..he is..he is the one with the issues NOT you...I am deeply sorry you are going through this...I had dated someone and married a man who put me down so much my self esteem was gone...dont let him do this to you...every morning you wake up look in that mirror and say I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY...I DESERVE TO BE LOVED FOR ME AND WHO I AM...then smile justttttttt smile...it makes people wonder what you been up to...good luck girl let us know how it is going..we are all here for YOU..LOVES!
merilee

Thank you for your posts. I will try to use contacts glasses. Long hair takes time. I think my YM is making me break up soon if not improve. I am very much sad yesterday threw my IPod and broke it. It was a birthday present from my mom and I cried.

You dont need to change for him. He needs help.

I really think you'd be safer and happier somewhere without him, but this is just a posting board, and you need to make the decision that is best for you on your own.

I take anti-depressants and bi-polar meds and i've never been violent or cruel to anyone from it.

I had an ex-husband who was hyper-critical, and EVERYthing i tried to "fix" to make him happy, only made him find something else to complain about. It NEVER ended.

Its no way to live, and it can make you lose your mind. Seriously.

I am sorry you are going thru this. It sounds like a negative relationship, regardless of the age gap. He sounds like he really needs to work on him and be happy with himself before trying to maintain a relationship.

Please don't allow yourself to be in danger from his anger.

Thank you for your posts. I will try to use contacts glasses. Long hair takes time. I think my YM is making me break up soon if not improve. I am very much sad yesterday threw my IPod and broke it. It was a birthday present from my mom and I cried.

Throwing things is bratty kid behaviour. Sounds like it might be time to part ways. If he's got a habit of violent behaviour, don't stick around. There's plenty of men who appreciate a lady like yourself. You don't need to subject yourself to this kind of treatment.

Secondly, your hair length and glasses have no bearing on the relationship. Don't grow it long unless you want to. Don't get contacts unless you want to. If he can't appreciate you with your glasses and shorter hair, he won't appreciate you with contacts and long hair. Besides, looking at your picture, I see a very attractive lady. He's lucky to have you, not the other way around.

Daniel

just a note from a health care professional here.....a link to a blog with lay people discussing SSRI's is fine, but it's not scientific, and I don't think we should incite panic in people on antidepressants. many people have been on these life-saving meds for years (a little neurotoxicity, if it's so, trumps suicide any day) and each individual needs to make informed decisions with their MD/psychiatrist.

and by the way, i agree that anyone taking antidepressants, at least initially (until stable) need psychotherapy.

Yeah I did say that was just one link that I grabbed quickly.

Here's a better link - the doctor's web page:

http://www.prozacbacklash.com/

Here's a link to the chapter about brain damage risk:

http://www.prozacbacklash.com/pdf/prozBackCh1.pdf

Hibiscus, I was once involved with a very disturbed, violent man. For three years, I rode a rollercoaster of emotional abuse. One minute, he loved me. The next minute, he called me horrible names, told me I was old and ugly, etc. He also would get mad and break things. Eventually I had to leave my own home and stay in a shelter for a few days because he attacked me physically and tried to strangle me. I had to take out a warrent to get him out of my house. He was an alcoholic, and I think he may have also been ADHD. The therapist I saw for a couple of years after our breakup had also seen him and his ex wife and family a couple of times, and she said he was a type 2 personality disordered individual.

My advice is, separate. You are putting yourself in danger staying with him at this point. I'm sure that your self esteem is rock bottom now, just like mine was for years after that experience. It's very hard to make decisions from that mental state, but at some point your survival instinct will take over. I left when I realized one night from the depths of despair that if I didn't, someone was going to die, either me or him. Don't let it get to that point.
I know it's hard to feel like you deserve better, but you really do. And being alone is much much better than being treated like you are. There is a lot to be said for coming home to a peaceful house.