Age gap help

I am in love with a women who is about 17 years older than me, she doesn't know anything about it yet (I am 18 and she is about 35), she has a son of 10 and I am wondering what advice could anyone give on getting started with her, and how do I address the issue of her son? Has anyone been in my situation? Any help is apriciated.

Nigel,

I think you've picked a good place to ask this question, but I suspect we're going to need a few more details to provide anything really helpful.

Under what circumstances are you acquainted with this woman -- coworkers? neighbours? friends in common? Because you say that you are in love with her, I'm assuming that you have some sort of social connection, and not just admiring from afar.

What is the "issue" with the 10 year old son? When and if you and this woman establish a relationship, I think she should be the one to set the boundaries for you and the son. A lot would depend on how much ongoing involvement he has with his father, or another older male role model.

You'll find a lot of support here!

Originally posted by Savannah
Nigel,

I think you've picked a good place to ask this question, but I suspect we're going to need a few more details to provide anything really helpful.

Under what circumstances are you acquainted with this woman -- coworkers? neighbours? friends in common? Because you say that you are in love with her, I'm assuming that you have some sort of social connection, and not just admiring from afar.

What is the "issue" with the 10 year old son? When and if you and this woman establish a relationship, I think she should be the one to set the boundaries for you and the son. A lot would depend on how much ongoing involvement he has with his father, or another older male role model.

You'll find a lot of support here!
Hi,

Thanks for the reply, we are neighbours, and we are friends too, also my mother is her friend.

There is not really an issue with her 10 year old son, it is just that we are friends too, and I am worried that he may not accept it. Her son hates his farther, and so they don't see each other any more. His mother also hate his farther.

Are there any tips you could give on explaining my feeling to her, as I am shy and have never done this before.

Thanks for all the help.

Nigel,

I'm not entirely sure that you should explain your feelings to her right away, given that you have an ongoing relationship with both her and her son, and your mother does as well. What I'd like to say is that, if she's a reasonably perceptive woman, she already knows how you feel -- but there's no guarantee of that! You may have some convincing to do because of the age gap. She is more likely to see it as an obstacle than you do; she's the one who's going to face accusations of cradle-robbing, after all. And there are all those anxieties about wrinkles/grey hair/extra pounds that OW think scare YM away!(If it comes down to that, tell her to spend some time reading the posts here -- that will help her to see the potential.)
Why not just "date" her -- almost as you would with any other woman? You could get a better idea of how receptive she is to an age gap relationship, and her feelings for you, if you spend some time with her outside of the context of your usual relationship. I'm not talking about stereotypical "date" dates, like taking her to dinner, not at first. Start with "neighbourly" kinds of outings (daylight hours kind of lower the romantic quotient) -- are there any kind of outdoor attractions you could take her to, athletic activities you have in common? Inviting both she and the son would make it that much more innocuous.
To give you a better idea of what I mean, if it were me in that situation, I would ask the YM to come with me walking the dogs, take the dogs to the beach with me, that sort of thing.
Since you say that you and the son are friends already, I really don't think it will be a huge problem. If he's been used to having his mother's undivided attention for a while, he will naturally tend to resent any man who comes along and shares that -- regardless of the man's age. It's equally possible that, if you and he have done things together in the past, he can resent mum for sharing that! At least you will not be a new and unknown person in his life, suddenly appearing on the scene.
You should be able to get a sense of how she feels about you once you're spending time with her. Assuming she figures out eventually that your intentions are more than just neighbourly/friendly, she'll let you know if your attention is unwelcome. She may not tell you directly, but she'll definitely drop hints -- pay attention to them!
And the best advice has been said here elsewhere: "Go slow, go slow, go slow"!

Keep in touch!

I would get her a valentine &/or candy. Don't make the card mushy... just one that tells her how neat and special she is. That will give her a hint. Start doing things for her around the house... like change some hard to reach light bulbs, notice the trash and take it out for her... not necessarily these things but you get the idea. If you just start getting her sweet cards for no reason, she will start getting the idea.
Best of luck!

Oh, well done, Yellowrose!! Your advice is so much more practical than my attempts! (Hey, I'm not a "neophyte" for nothing!)

And -- duh! -- how did I miss the fact that Valentine's is just around the corner........?

Ok you say you are friends with her already.And her kid likes you will so far so good but dont hide yuor feelings for her Take her out to dinner or make her one over at your place if you have it at your home use candles and nice soft music.
Tell her how you feel because if she dont feel the same way you would not waste so much of your time going after someone who just wants to be friends.And if she feels the same way as you do that's great you and her will figure where to go next.

My and my love started out as friends she is 38 and I am 23 and she is the best person to ever happen to me If you have a chance at love take it you only get so many chance's at it so grab the bull by the horns and see where it takes you

You have a great opportunity this "Love Month".
One day bring her a tiny present, just something , another day do some errand for her, another day offer your self to help her son with homework, etc. She will get the idea.

But as Savannah said GO SLOW, GO SLOW!!!!!

Good Luck!!.

Come here again whatever you need advice.

Hi,

Thanks for the support, I have just three more questions.

1. How do I approach/bring up the subject in any situation?

2. How do I over come my shyness (The last time I asked a girl out I lost a friend and, to be honest I am scared of loosing another friend in my neighbour)?

3. If we do get together how do we deal with our familles and friends?

Any advice is truly welcomed.

Just take the things slowly!!!!!

First you have to drop in some hints, and you will see how she react, if she is reacting positive, nice and following your hints, take a flower bring it her and said that you like her and want to share more time with her.

If she´s not reacting nice and following your hints.... don´t say anything, wait a little maybe it takes more time.

When i meet my YM (27 now) i never though that he wants a relationship, i just was friendly with him, but he, with his details (his hints) make me pay attention to him, he insists and insists, he was always near, helping me with my son, the errands, calling just to say Hello, and i fall in love with him.

Maybe you have to make a effort to overcome your shyness, use you mind (it can be powerful) think positive and tell yourself that you can ask anybody out, fight your fear with little goals at a time.

And in relation to family and friends.... well, you have to expect many and differents reactions, but its the firmness of your love that will give you the strenght to be indifferent to hurting commets and to make it clear when you have.

I hope i can help you with my two cents.

Keep in touch

Good Luck!!!!

MIM

You probably picked the 3 toughest questions.......

1. I tend to "test the waters" in a developing relationship with a watered-down version of declaring my feelings. I will say something like I've become "fond" of the guy, or I'm "getting attached" to him, and then see how he reacts. Somehow I think this isn't laying out quite so much emotion as the "L" word -- but I'm probably not fooling anybody!

2. Your shyness may be one of your attractive qualities; I wouldn't be in any hurry to shake it off. And it sounds like you're talking about fear, anyway. It comes down to your decision: what do you value more, the friendship, or the potential for a romantic relationship? You may well lose the friendship -- it is rare for friendships to survive when one person wants more out of the relationship. Try to get an idea of how she feels before you burn that bridge behind you.

3. You're in the best position to judge how open your various friends and family members are to age-gap relationships. Since you have said that she is your mother's friend, this may prove a stumbling block if your mother is very traditional in her views. She may see your lady as "preying" upon her "innocent" son, or as a betrayal of their friendship. I hope she is not so narrow-minded! At best, you and she would have to make it clear that you are adults who have consciously and deliberately chosen a relationship with one another, and you're not interested in hearing their criticism. If all goes well, time will eventually put an end to it (but it may be a long wait).

There's a book called "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway". And that about sums it up. Courage is action despite the fear. Otherwise it would not be courage.
Now if your shyness is really really extreme, talk with your doctor about "social anxiety" or "social phobia". There are drugs that help with that problem (like Paxil). Good luck.:cool:

I would just be friends at first and see whatever comes of it .my husband and i were "just friends" for years ,now we're married...we really took time to be friends,see how we both really were and get to really know eachother,the good and the bad.it took us awhile,but it was so worth it....yes,friends first...cause if you can't be good friends,how can you really be anything else????

Hi,

Over the past 2 - 3 weeks, the womens son has invited me over nearly everyday, now me and his mother (who I am in love with) are getting on great, my qustion now is:

1. What are the signs that she knows I love her?

2. What kind of words/phrases/movements can I look/listen out for, to find if she has twiged on, or if she loves me back?

Thank you again so much for the help.

How about this? How about you ask her out for lunch, or coffee? How about you spend some time courting her, and showing that you are interested in her.
You can't just come over to visit her son and expect her to just jump your bones. She's a woman, no different than any woman your own age.
There are no magic symbols that she's going to be interested in you, any more so than with any other girl/woman. It would take away the magic of the relationship game if there were wouldn't it?
Its no different just because she's older.
I'm sorry, but you aren't "in love" with her. At this point you have a massive crush, and fun as it is, that's just where it starts. The rest of it is going to depend on the effort you're willing to put into it.