On the verge of breaking up.

I have been reading posts for two years on this board, it was one of the main reasons that encouraged me to pursue my current relationship. I have been in a relationship for two years now, an LDR, with a 16 year gap. I am in my 20's, and I am on the verge of breaking up with her. I just can't get myself to do it because this is my first relationship ever, first kiss, first love, etc. I gave her a lot, so much time, so much effort. Loves makes you do dumb things. I feel burnt out. Even if I want to end things now, I am paying for her tuition for a private university for another few months. I encouraged her to get her doctoral degree, which she is now doing. She wanted to take out a full loan, but I proposed paying half the amount. Which is half my paycheck, and I am completely fine with that.

But I am miserable now.

Once she started grad school everything changed. Style of clothing, choice of music, general views, she claims that this is her real self, and she would never want to be the person I first met. She is very grateful for all the changes she went through. But along with that change, she is no longer interested in the relationship, she admits that the relationship is not her first priority. It's her kids (she has three awesome kids) and her degree which doesn't leave much for our relationship, she usually claims she's busy, which I can understand since I have been in that position before in my grad program, but a full week would pass without a phone call. I do believe she's busy I am not doubting her, however, I do believe that she doesn't have to be that busy. There are a lot of extra activites that are optional. Yet, she chooses them over a phone call or time together. I had to cancel my last flight because she was busy, even though I confirmed the date and timing with her beforehand. I assume good of her, and think to myself she has workaholic tendencies, seeking perfection, etc. We did work together on some projects, and that was one of my first observations. But are these valid excuses? We did talk about this several times, but nothing really changed.

Then lately, we have been arguing over the dumbest things. Everytime we talk we end up arguing, and she ends up hanging up. So we stopped talking.

Is that the end? Should I end it?

We haven't seen each other since Aug. We usually met every 2-3 months. I would like to believe that the distance may be a factor in my current problem.

Another reason why I can't get myself to end the relationship is because I had to oppose a lot of people. Parents, uncles, friends, were all telling me not to pursue this relationship. I went through a lot of trouble with them and disregarded their advice.

I still lover her, she claims she loves me as well. Yet, I am miserable. If I end up breaking with her, I will be miserable as well because I will be lonely.

On my last phone call (earlier today from work) I told her I am thinking of breaking up. She sounded sad and shaken. I don't know what to do now.

I am sorry that you are going thruogh a rough time with this relationship. I think sometimes that it is much easier to articulate your thoughts in a place like this, but honestly, I would say that you explained yourself very well and that maybe it would be best to tell your g/f exactly what you told us. Because your points are all valid, you are respectful in making them and you have feelings that need to be addressed.

You told your g/f you are thinking of breaking up, but have you and she talked about this in detail? At this point, if most conversations lead to arguments, maybe suggesting an objective third party to enhance communication (counselor) might be an option. Maybe she has changed in ways that now make the two of you incompatible...it happens sometimes. If the two of you can't work things out, it might help to remember that half of all relationships fail....you took a chance becasue you loved someone - hopefully you can explain to your friends and family that the relationship ended becuase of other factors that had nothing to do with her age or yours. Usually the people who voiced concerns initially have your best interest in mind and are more understanding than you think. No one should stick out a relationship that has gone bad because of other people and their concerns. YOU have to be happy.....first and foremost.

If your g/f is happier with the changes she has made, then she is responsible for accepting the consequences of those changes. Everyone changes....we hope to grow with our significant other, but when we grow apart, we have to be honest with ourselves and hopefully with our partner - and either work to get back on the same path, or let go. No one can tell you which path is right for you, but if I had to say one thing was most important - it would be communication - and if you don't have that, you really can't work through many of life's obstacles with another person.

One final thing. I would maybe also tell your g/f that the two of you need to set aside some time to be together and talk, see if the connection is still present etc. If she is not willing to commit to giving you some real quality time to figure this out, then I think it may be pointless to keep trying to make things work. It takes two people to make a relationship work - you can't do it alone.

Take care:)

Sean:
I am going myself through a relationship that changed. Eponavet gave you good advise.
(((HUGS)))

I am sorry that you are so sad. It sounds to me like you are very articulate and able to express what you feel is wrong with your relationship. It will be hard to move on, but don't let the people who opposed your age gap use that as a reason to say i told you so. It sounds to me like you have just grown apart.

If I were you, I would immediately stop paying for her schooling. Not to be vindictive or anything but, it is half of your income and you need to take care of yourself first.

Hope things get better soon.

Funny Christie, I was just going to suggest telling her it might be best to break up BUT youd continue to pay for school ( as a test) .... and see how broken up and shaken she is then. If she goes along with that, it would seem to me you were being used for finances all along which is wrong and I hope thats not the case, but if it is, better to find out now .:(

Dude man, ye know that saying "he's just not that into you?" well, it works the other way too!! First love is hard. But take it from an old pro!! Put the outriggers out, bait the hooks and go fishin"!! Eatin' the same box of cornflakes makes Jack a dull boy!!! HONK!! :p :cool:

It seems you are a well spoken, and true hearted person. I'm really sorry your relationship seems to be changing, but from reading your words, possibly you have changed as well? Not without reason, I am sure, because it sounds as if she has distanced herself, and as a result you have lost some of your feelings. If that is indeed the case, regardless of what you have went through in order to make it work, sometimes we just need to see when to let it go. First loves are wonderful, in that you will remember her forever, and you will always do so fondly....as long as you part on relatively good terms. Letting feelings continue to fester at the obvious end of a relationship can be hard on both of you, and make parting ways so much more difficult. Perhaps it is time to step away, if only for awhile. If you are meant to be with her, then you will reconnect.

Once she started grad school everything changed. Style of clothing, choice of music, general views, she claims that this is her real self, and she would never want to be the person I first met.

Well then you know what, she's not interested in the relationship...kick her to the curb.

She deceived you...she became someone she wasn't suppose to be to land you for her own selfish puposes. I would be very angry. At this point I would tell her to get a loan for the last few months of her tuition and sue her for what you've paid up to then. Never, never pay tuition for someone you're not living with or married to. That's not your obligation, it is hers.

I'm sure she's shaken, if her 'sugar daddy' ain't happy, she's not going to finish her education, more then likely there's someone else or she has her eye on another 'eye candy' and she's starting to shake you loose.

I don't know exactly what her problem is, but I would wager its not good. She's arguing over the smallest thing, come on...she's setting the scene. She's become untrustworthy, so watch yourself. it doesn't sound good.

Iris

Sorry the relationship isn't working for you. You are certainly a great person to help with the tuition. I am curious. Are you paying the school directly or do you send the money directly to her?

Have you asked her what she wants in the relationship?

I feel bad for you.... post more if it helps. :(

I am curious. Are you paying the school directly or do you send the money directly to her?
Money goes directly to school. It's interesting to see very differing takes on the tuition issue. As I try to be a man of integrity, I need to stick my own words. I promised I'd help with no strings attached, so I have to fulfill the promise even if things aren't working the way I'd like them to be. I can see where some of you are coming from, I myself, sometimes feel the urge of not continuing my support! I get the notion that I am being used, i.e sugar daddy. In the end, this is life. I like to believe Maximus's quote in the Gladiator, "What you do in life, echos in eternity". Love that movie! But then maybe I am being too idealistic and romantic.

We talked last weekend, and she apologized for the current state of our relationship. I think she feels very guilty, if she chooses to end the relationship. Which she continues to deny. Yet, at the same time she can't live up to the responsibilities of maintaining a normal relationship, which she admits. I would like to be hopeful and believe things will change in the future, but deep inside me I know she won't change.

Since I am not interested in a lifeless relationship, I have to make the first move and break-up. I will be traveling for a month, hopefully when I am back things will be more clearer. Both of us would have had good time and space to make a sound decision.

On a final note, I would like to thank everyone who posted. It was a very therapeutic experience. Excellent chance to organize thoughts and feelings, and get mixed feedback! Thank you very much!

Perhaps the board administrators can start charging per posts. :D Seeing the large amount of posts per day, some users can be making good money!

I am going through a similar breakup right now, but Im on the other end, my fiance pulled the plug on our relationship, not sure what the status is, but he needs to alone and think. He is also going to school and working 40hrs a week. I am the older one by ten years, we have had a great relationship and it was shock to me, but its also better for the truth to be out and the pain to be dealt with. I am hating being in limbo right now not knowing if the man I love more then anything except my son is mine or not.

Follow your heart and do what will in the end after the pain subsides will make you a stronger person.