Really Need Some Input

Here is the situation:

I have just turned 34, and have never been married. I met my boyfriend when I was 31, he was 17, we met in college. We started dating when he was 18, so has been a little over 2 years now.

I have never considered marriage until I met my current bf. All of my past relationships have been with, well let's just be frank here, complete idiots. So, I guess I kept the "marriage thoughts" at bay because they were losers. The problem is, they are here now, and in full force! Argh, my bf is still young and I don't want to push the idea with him but it is REALLY on my mind.

This is the first guy that I have ever lived with and I am starting to feel like it isn't right to live together this way, unmarried. Many of his friends are already married or at least engaged and almost all of mine are.

I think it is perfectly normal for me to want to experience this in my life, especially at my age. At the same time, because of the AG I don't want to be pushy with him about it either.

I know this is going to sound really silly but I really don't want to "walk down the aisle" when I am 40. :( I have to admit that I still have this thought of being young, beautiful and feeling like a princess on my wedding day.

Is two years too short of a time to be having these feelings for someone? Is it wrong that I want to marry him even though he is so young? Any input is appreciated and I will give additional information if needed.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

No it is not wrong. You have been together a long time and live together now. Marriage has never come up in conversation?

I agree with Marcy. 4 yrs is long enough for the free sex deal. Have ye's talked about it at all? Time to **** or git off the pot!! (ain't dat a romantic thought?!) Hey things change. You are at that age. You'll find out what he all about. Keep us posted!! HONK!! :cool:

After this amount of time, and after living together successfully and happily, you are certainly well past any danger of getting married just because of the pretty dress and the sparkly diamond ring. Why not have a gentle discussion about the next level of commitment?
I got engaged to my ex-husband after 6 months of dating. I wanted a white dress and a romantic ceremony and babies and to be able to show the world that I was worthwhile enough for someone to be willing to marry me. Pretty pathetic reasons. Not surprisingly, my marriage failed.
In my current relationship, we talk about marriage, but not as an idealised thing we need to do to please other people. We just want to be together for the rest of our lives, whether we ritualize that devotion to each other in front of 300 people or just in front of a cat and some houseplants. It's almost assumed that we will be married, and has been from early on. No fanfare, just a fact. No doubt at all.

You are absolutely not weird for thinking about marrying someone you love...and, I'd like to add that your GAP is not that big in comparison to many here who have successful long term relationships. But, if I did the math right, your vym is only 20?

I would only caution you about marrying him while he is still so very young. I understand your desire to not walk down the aisle at 40..but at the same time, if being with your guy for 5 years more or so, solidifying his intent, and allowing him to grow into his adulthood to be SURE that he still wants to be with you at 24 or 25...wouldn't it be worth the wait? I say, go slowly, and don't worry about that 40 year old thing...many SMART women are waiting to get married in their late 30's and 40's these days. And statistics I recently researched indicate that when a guy marries at 26 or older, the chances of the marriage lasting seems to increase significantly. I extrapolate from that that a guy is generally more sure of what he wants, knows who he is and how he fits into his adulthood, and is fully autonomous in his later 20's.

Just don't let anything (age, life circumstances, wanting kids or whatever) cause you to rush into such an important, life-altering decision.

Wow. 20 generally isn't a real stable age for men. . . I'd wait on marriage. If it's meant to be, it will still be good a few years down the road. (My wife & I waited almost ten years. Very glad we did. . .)

Hi Lemon!

You know, I never realized before, but we have the exact same age gap and started dating our y/m at the exact same ages...

i.e. we were 32 and 18 when we started dating. :)

I don't think it's odd at all that your are thinking about marriage, it's the normal evolution of the relationship. We've been dating for 6 years now, and we STILL aren't married. :o Every time I go to church I feel guilty guilty (this is just a personal thing because I'm a Christian) about living together without being married/sex outside marriage, etc. I don't want to push him either, but good lord, it's been 6 years, and he is 24 now.

So we are in the same boat, except I have let mine drift WAY out to sea...

Every time we have talked about marriage, honestly, he has felt he was too young. And when we do get married, he is wanting the big wedding, which kind of throws me at my age and having been married before. But, Im not thinking about that too much since I don't even have an engagement ring. :mad:

It's perfectly normal to want to marry the man you love and already share your life with, if you feel he's The One then it's natural to want to make that commitment. However, he is still young - that's not to mean that it won't work but it's probably not wise to be pushing him in that direction if he's not ready.

My vym is 19, we live together, have known each other about 14 months and together for eight. He talks about buying me an engagement ring when he has enough money put away (which won't be yet for a while anyway!) and says he wants to ask me to marry him.

Personally, I feel that he's the one for me and I'd marry him like a shot if there wasn't a little voice nagging away at me that he's still only 19 and quite likely has a lot of emotional maturing to do. He's a lot more mature than I was at that age, and more so than anyone else I have met of that age, but even so I want to make sure that he is sure (for both our sakes). So - yes, if he asked me to marry him I would say yes and wear his engagement ring with pride and love. However, I wouldn't be in any rush to get down that aisle - I'd wait several years. I'd be happy to make a statement that I want to marry him, I just won't marry him just yet.

Getting married older wouldn't bother me, I don't want the big party anyway. If I get married it will be for the marriage, not the wedding.

Lemon,

I can relate to what your saying. I am currently 30 and my bf is 20 and we've been dating for two years but he lives 6 hour drive away. while I know i am not getting any younger, and if he is the ONE it will work out. I would have loved to been married by 26 but to tell the truth this is my first real boyfriend.....BUT i LOVE HIM .....

Hang in there.....................breathe and enjoy. I truly believe what is for you is for you.....and it alread has a time stamp on it when you are to receive it :-)

Rose

PS while walking in the mall two weeks ago he dragged me to get my finger sized...i almost peed my pants.....i am still trying to figure that out as we have already talked about not getting engaged until we are living in the same city.

Rose30-It sounds like he wants to get you a really nice X-mas gift!

Even though I don't have an engagement ring, my b/f has bought me rings. I have a really pretty diamond band he bought me for my b-day a few years back!

Sounds like you might be getting a "pretty" too! :)

Sorry I haven't been on to reply to your posts, been busy with work etc.

I truly appreciate all your input, a few of you hit my feelings right on the head! I will try to answer all of you, I hope I don't miss anyone:

<b>marcy ~</b> Yes it has come up in conversation. We have talked about it and he is definitely not ready for marriage "right now".

<b>DaBollocks ~</b> It has only been 2 years not 4 but yes that is still a long time.

<b>opal ~</b> That is one of my concerns also. I hope that I am wanting marriage for the right reasons. He is wonderful to me and my children. We are very happy. But, how much of this is "my clock ticking"??? ughh so confusing.

<b>special K ~</b> Yes he is 20. I do agree that he is still very young and as I said I don't want to push it. However, many of his freinds/family members that are his age are already married or at least engaged. It does seem to be the "norm" in the circles he is in. I do not want to rush into it either but I feel really odd living this way.

<b>econ ~</b> I think I would have agreed with you before I met my bf. He has given my children and I more stability then any other man I have dated. I guess I don't see him as a "typical" 20 year old man.

<b>Jo ~</b> I have actually noticed that we have the same AG before. :P And yes 6 years is a long time to wait... I think that is one thing I am scared of. This may sound a bit cruel (toward my bf) but I I don't want to waste 6 years on a relationship if it isn't going anywhere. I feel like I have wasted too many years on bad relationships that ended with me being a single mom. Now that I have found someone that actually makes me happy, I know that there ARE good men out there! I guess I just don't want to throw away anymore of my years, even if he is "one of the good ones".

If I knew in my heart that he would eventually ask me, I would wait for him for 6 years. But every day that passes were my kids see their mother living with someone, even someone they admire, not being married, well... It has to impress upon their moral definitions of what a "couple should be". Does that make sense?

<b>rosie ~</b> I don't want the big wedding thing either but I still want to feel like a princess and have some nice pictures to look back at when we are old and wrinkly.

<b>rosie30 ~</b> The time stamp comment helped some, thank you. And yay for your mall trip! lol I am soooo jealous!

May I be so bold as to say I agree with you, Lemonlime.
I think that it is best to be married to your man, instead of
just living together. I am in agreement with your desire
to officially tie the knot.

I believe our kids look to us FIRST to see how life is supposed to
"go down" so to speak...


I support your moral ...inclination ...to get married!

Bless you!

If I knew in my heart that he would eventually ask me, I would wait for him for 6 years. But every day that passes were my kids see their mother living with someone, even someone they admire, not being married, well... It has to impress upon their moral definitions of what a "couple should be". Does that make sense?

I completely understand your feelings there. I felt that way with my exhusband. I married someone who turned out to be a complete *hit. So while I instilled morals into my children about what a couple should be I didn't live it. We fought continuously about the most minute of details. I was 21 and he was 22. During the separation I found out that the pressure of getting married so young was too much for him. He was expected overnight to become a fulltime dad and husband and provider. Even though we had lived together and all this was also part of his daily life that little certificate brought reality home and aged him more than he wanted. Yes we talked about it. Yes he claimed he wanted it. And yes we ended up divorced.

Now I'm with a guy who's 19 and I'm 33 (18 and 32 seems to be a pretty popular age hookup :p ) and we have a child together. He wants marriage, I do not (I'm still convincing myself that I'm worthy to be married). Eventually I will want it, just not right now (while I'm still emotionally damaged). I got an engagement ring and that shows my kids I'm committed to being with him.

In the end teaching those morals to your kids isn't about just showing them how to "right" the live-in situation but teaching them that sometimes the timing of those relationships isn't right. Unless you want him to move out, letting them know it's okay to say no when the timing isn't right is a valuable lesson also.

So we are left back at feeling the next level of commitment with someone you live with. Is an engagement an option? This shows your children you intend to spend the rest of your life together when he is in a better situation to provide that future.

I think it is your clock ticking and coming to grips with now wanting what you see so many other people having.

Unfortunately, when we decide to live with such a younger man it becomes our responsibility to navigate the relationship. Our experience and wisdom warrants it and as mothers we must protect our children from becoming the victims of our desires.

So many times we know in our hearts (or are told) that someone isn't ready and we still push ahead and end up with a big mess that our kids are privy to. (My marriage should stand as living proof of that one!)

I've heard you speak often about your relationship and you two sound like a lovely couple who I believe will make the walk down the aisle, but let him be as wanting of it as you are when it does happen. And 40 is still young and beautiful!

Of course 40 is still young and beautiful, but there is nothing wrong with asking him to work towards being ready in a timeframe that works for you too! You want children and the whole enchilada and why shouldn't you have that?? I am not for pushing someone into something that they aren't ready for... but I usually translate that as... not ready to do that with me. 20 is young, but it really isn't too young. Lots of folks do marry at that age... and yea lots of marriages end... but heck most marriages end don't they? Its up to you and yours to make the difference and buck the odds. ;)

LemonLime,

If he's young, it would be important for HIM to be pushing you to marry. Phil has proposed to me so many times, I've lost count. He's 21. I've known him for almost three years now, but we've lived together only 1.5 of those years.

If you are getting uncomfortable with the current situation (because you aren't married), you always have the option of asking him to live on his own until and unless he's ready to get married. How would he react to that idea?

Bub

<b>VeracityRules ~</b> Thank you for your post. My children do see us a committed couple. I just worry that if they do not see us as a happily married couple at some point, that they will shy away from getting married themselves when they are older.

<b>AngelAngel ~</b> So we are left back at feeling the next level of commitment with someone you live with. Is an engagement an option? This shows your children you intend to spend the rest of your life together when he is in a better situation to provide that future.

I think it is your clock ticking and coming to grips with now wanting what you see so many other people having.You are very correct, my clock does feel like it is ticking. I also agree that making a decision to get married is not to be taken lightly, nor is it something you should do just for the sake "doing it". We are very happy together, and he is in every way, what I have been looking for in a man and a role model for my children. I do appreciate your comments about what happened when your husband had the "paper" in his hand and how it changed things. I wonder about that also. I mean, he and I are doing everything that a married couple does, would a piece of paper change that? Ughh I don't know. :(

<b>marcy ~</b> I already have children of my own. His mother and I both worry though that if he waits too long, I will be too old to give him a child of "his" own. She has told me before that she loves me but that is her only concern about our relationship. :( Which I guess puts even more pressure on me also.

<b>bubbleee ~</b> I don't think that is really an option for us for a few reasons. First, my children love this guy, they would truly be devastated if he were to move out at this point. My son even told me recently that he loves my bf and that he is "like a dad to him". We have already combined our incomes, with him providing more financially to the household then even I am, we have signed leases together, share vehicles etc. Also, if he moved out at this point (has been almost 2 years of living together now, we moved in together fairly quickly) we would be in an LDR and I have tried that before. LDRs work for some but they just do not work for me. My bf works 10 - 12 hours a day and we would basically just never see eachother if we didn't live together. Finally, I would feel like I was giving him an ultimatum. I wouldn't want him to marry me based on that. I love him and us too much to attempt to force him into marriage.

LemonLime,

I had to smile when I read the part about not wanting to walk down the aisle at 40. I will be walking down that aisle next May. To my fiance, I am the most beautiful woman he has ever known, and he is bursting with pride to have me at his side. I will be 52 this month, and yes, he is younger.

My granddaughter will be flower girl, my son will sing a song or two. It will be a lovely wedding, and at this stage of my life, I feel I have earned the right to a princess moment if that is what I want.

You are entitled to your princess moment, regardless of whether it happens at 31 or 41 or 52.

LemonLime,

I had to smile when I read the part about not wanting to walk down the aisle at 40. I will be walking down that aisle next May. To my fiance, I am the most beautiful woman he has ever known, and he is bursting with pride to have me at his side. I will be 52 this month, and yes, he is younger.

My granddaughter will be flower girl, my son will sing a song or two. It will be a lovely wedding, and at this stage of my life, I feel I have earned the right to a princess moment if that is what I want.

You are entitled to your princess moment, regardless of whether it happens at 31 or 41 or 52.

Thank you Ginger that is so beautiful. It warmed my heart. :)

Is this your first time down the aisle? Just curious. :P

You are entitled to your princess moment, regardless of whether it happens at 31 or 41 or 52.

/applaud

Exactly!

LemonLime,

No, it won't be my first trip down the aisle, but hopefully will be the last.