It's done and gone...

Hello, many of you may remember me, maybe especially from my first thread, "A World of Fantasy." First, I would like to wish everyone the best of luck in their relationships, because that's what this is about. I'm the YM at age 19, she was the OW at 47. November 17th, she awoke me in the morning, (I loved being awaken by her calls), that it was over. You see, at the time she had a biopsy scheduled because of suspected breast cancer.

Back in her marriage, she was a minister's wife, so being as christian as they could come, she saw it as a sign, that God had wanted us to part, or else he was going to take her away by force. Even to this day, I'm trying not to choke on my tears no matter where I am. I don't have internet, but I'm at a public library, with tears in my eyes as I write this. As far as the "Role Playing" thing, I stopped it when I said I did, and haven't done it since, so that was not an issure.

It made no sense to me, however, that she did this when we were at our closest. Inside of me, I can feel anger for her, because of her decision. More reasons that she did this was because she wanted for me to have a family, and have a career at my own pace, and not feel pressured about having to help her in her debt, that she wouldn't allow me to do, mind you, but I wanted to.

I thought I was doing well, I was recruiting for the Coast Guard to be station by over where she lives, and I would be helping her with her debt since I would have no bills. These were my plans, she didn't want me to help, but I did. Now, I find myself, typing on my computer at home, working on a story that is coming out exceedingly well, only because I am channeling my sorrow, using it as a tool that can cause my creativity to blossom.

One advice to all OW, please, if you are to break up with your YM's, do it for your own reasons, don't think of them. Because, thinking of them can only be more of a selfish act when you get down to the core of it. If they are happy with you, and want to be with you, let them. Because, I will tell you now, that nothing can hurt more than wanting to be with someone that isn't allowing you to be with you, and the reasons are BECAUSE of you. BECAUSE of your age, and where you are in life. Can they change? Not quickly. With time, yes, but by the time that time comes, there could be nothing left within their souls, nothing left for them to grasp any longer.

Do I think it's right that I'm angry at her? No, I think it's unfair. She wants me to start dating so I can "Help her get over me". If I'm not ready to get over her, why should I put myself through the torture of finding someone else? Of giving someone else false hope because I will not be anytime soon, emotionally available. If they aren't working and they are slacking off is one thing, but if they are moving forward for you, and you don't have the security you need, financially, well guess what? If you leave them, you still won't have it unless you throw yourself at someone your age with a nice big career or retirement fund.

This is what I can suggest you OW, if you have to leave them, don't do it "thinking of them", because it hurts so much more if it were things we could control. Good luck to you all...


~Moises Figueroa

You are right. Ending it for his sake is really unfair to the ym. It robs him of the essense of adulthood... the ability to make his own decisions. I'm sorry you are going through this. I remember you well. I'll tell you from the OW's perspective it is hard thing too. I tried to end it for my hubby's sake more than a few times too. It is a painful all around. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through and all the pain you are feeling. Thank you for the advice....we as OW do tend to try to push you away believing we are doing you a favor...but you are right...it's not fair of us to do....just our fear getting the best of us, and that we do care so much for you....we do the things we do....again...I'm so sorry....(((((PRRWriter))))))

I'm afraid I've been guilty of this kind of thinking myself. You know there is nothing more I'd like for my YM than for him to have a great life, a happy and successful one. Sometimes I'm afraid that a life with me might actually make that impossible, that he might be giving up too much if we were together and it worries me. :(

On the other hand, from his point of view, it looks like what he might be giving up would be a lot of playing Xbox by himself! :p

PRWriter, I remember you too...

I'm sorry that you are feeling such sadness right now over your breakup. Having your heart broken is never a good feeling, and I can relate. But, I do think that your OW was neither unfair nor selfish. To me she sounds like a genuine person who, in her mind, loves you enough to let you go on with your young life without "hindering" you with the burden of her debt and/or possible breast cancer. She sounds pretty selfless to me.

Right now you're angry and think it's unfair for an OW to steer a relationship with a vym away from -what she probably sees- as a potential environment to breed co-dependence. Perhaps in a couple of years you may actually be thankful that she gave you this space now (although you do not feel like you want it) to grow, explore life, learn more about yourself, and stretch your wings as an adult before assuming such big-time relationship responsibilities.

At this point she is facing some big personal obstacles... she sounds like she feels she needs to face them on her own right now. It doesn't have anything to do with your value in her life...it may have something to do with not wanting to feel obligated or responsible for the happiness of someone so very young-with his whole life ahead of him. She is 47, you are 19....you are very young, and you have a significant age gap..PLUS she is facing a possible breast cancer diagnosis AND debt. This, I can TOTALLY understand from her perspective, she feels can not be a scenario that offers either of you the best chance at the life and love you deserve down the road. Respect her decision, even though you may not like it right now at all.

She is your first love...first loves are intense...and when they end they can hurt like no other. But, be grateful she was in your life, for the time you had, allow yourself to grieve...and then move on when it gets easier. You will be okay with time. At 19 you really do have such a great many wonderful things in life, and love, to look forward to!:)

Hang in there, okay?
Best,
Karen

I haven't been around in quite a while either. I'm so sorry to hear that things didn't work out for you. I never tried to break off the relationship with my husband for any reason, but thanks for the advice.

The cancer scare may be a big part of her breaking it off with you. Her fears about mortality, not wanting you (or anyone she loves) to see her go through it.

I agree there is no reason for you to start dating until you are ready. Be well.

One advice to all OW, please, if you are to break up with your YM's, do it for your own reasons, don't think of them. Because, thinking of them can only be more of a selfish act when you get down to the core of it. If they are happy with you, and want to be with you, let them. Because, I will tell you now, that nothing can hurt more than wanting to be with someone that isn't allowing you to be with you, and the reasons are BECAUSE of you. BECAUSE of your age, and where you are in life. Can they change? Not quickly. With time, yes, but by the time that time comes, there could be nothing left within their souls, nothing left for them to grasp any longer.

Your words hit home very very hard here.

The statement that I would deny the one I love my love just because of things he can't control or need time to change (age, finances)

Your sorrow does have a purpose. ((((hugs)))

Thank you all for your support. Sorry I didn't reply sooner, but my inbox didn't get notified. Anyways, I am trying to old up the best I can, and sorry for the anger in my original post, I was just getting hit hard by all of it at that time. Sometimes I can keep things under control, but then I was literally, sitting in front of a computer at the public library, crying.

I'm going to give a tiny bit of advice as well, maybe it was just my OW, or maybe it most OW are this way too. Don't be afraid as to giving advice. Their is a difference between giving your advice, and telling the YM what to do. If they become dependant on your advice, however, list options so they could decide what to do. Giving your advice is not being motherly, if anything, it is opening the ym's mind to more options. You give advice to those your age as well, so how would it be motherly to give advice to someone younger and but if they were your age or older it wouldn't be so?

Just a little thing there that bugged me a little in the relationship that was never resolved before it ended. By the way, as a little treat, I'm going to leave a chapter of my story here, it's not the first chapter, so I will give a brief update on what's happened so far.

16 years ago a dark entity completely destroyed a city with crimson flames, leaving nothing but ashes in his search for a legendary weapon. However, one life form arose form the ashes, still alive, even though, before the explosion, the entity had penetrated him with a large sword. The life form was a 6 year-old child.

Present time, the child, now at 22 years of age, and going by the name of Gage, is living in a city of fiends, on an island where all the fiends have lived for many years. His heart has hardened much, and his soul has darkened, however a spark of light remains deep within the depth of his soul: what he still grasps of his humanity.

He has been having nightmares of the event in the city that the entity destroyed, reliving his haunting past. However, every so often since the last couple of days, his mirror would turn black, showing no reflection except for a pair of violet-blue eyes.

Gage, for some unknown reason, has been cursed with immortality, even though he was not a fiend, but a human. He has suffered the death of his foster parents, and the nurse that took care of him when he was analyzed by the goverment in hope that they would extract the gift of immortality from him. He last cried with tears coming out of his eyes in the explosion of the city, his heart last beat when the entity had pierced it.

The day of this next chapter, Gage had a dagger thrown to his throat, but he did not die. His best friend, the only human able to willingly turn into a balverine (A much darker and fiercer version of the werewolf with charcoal-colored fur and red eyes), had found a white sphere, that brings Gage warmth whenever it is in his presence. When Gage was healed by this sphere, he felt nothing but a distant feeling of ecstacy, of an intimacy so powerful, it was as if he could almost remember it from another life. Having the desire to die, Gage drinks rum with poison, and is emotionally unstable, being a human that is somehow still sane after his inability to die.

(I think that should give you somewhat a grasp on Gage. Now, the chapter. I shall remind you, this chapter was really powerful, it's a bit short, but it has a huge significance. It's what I feel in my current situation.)

Chapter 7
There was darkness all around, no matter in which direction, he was surrounded in a vast emptiness that was as cold and as empty as the loneliness that existed within him. Gage looked around, but to no avail. He could see nothing. It made no sense, for he saw himself as clear as day, as if there was a source of light that would not show itself. He looked down at his hands, and saw them just as they were. The only thing in this place of emptiness that existed, it seemed, was himself.
The air suddenly grew thinner, as if it were disappearing into the void around him. His breathing changed just as quickly as the air, it was now quick, short, and raspy. He looked around in panic as he ran off in front of him, hoping that the air would return.
“What’s… happening… to me?” He said between breaths before he sunk into the ground, into some nonexistent, living, thick slime that swallowed him in slowly, pulling him into the void. He tried to move to run back out, but it was as if the use of his body was an illusion as it disappeared into the void.
“Darkness is not the answer, you mustn’t give in!” The voice of a beautiful woman said from behind him.
Gage couldn’t turn around, but a woman in a sheer, red, silky nightgown walked around him. She had shoulder-length curly blonde hair, a very light tone of skin, and blue eyes. He extended his hand out to her, but she only stared at it, as if it were some foreign object. “Please… Help!” Gage said in between breaths as his breathing continued to quicken even still. He no longer felt his body as it sunk deeper into the void, as if what remained outside of it was the only thing real. “Help me… help!” he repeated, but she looked into his eyes with the pity that a human being would show a rodent that was run over, and had only a few seconds to live.
“Only you can help yourself, stay away from the darkness.” She calmly said, her eyes changing now from having pity to analyzing him.
It was the very same look that the scientists gave him as they opened him up as a child. Anger arose inside of him, growing from seeing the look he so despised even to this day.
“Why are you doing this?!” Gage exclaimed as he glared to the woman, her serious expression turning now to a concerned one.
“You are doing this to yourself.” These were her last words before she stood up and began to walk away, fading into the void.
“Don’t leave me here!” Gage exclaimed as the void reached his neck, and continued to arise. He screamed with all of his might, filled with rage and hatred, just before the void pulled the rest of him in, drowning his voice down to complete silence.



And that's the end, may you all enjoy a little bit of what I'm getting through this. My OW and a librarian here are both impressed with the story, and I'm impressed it's getting such good feedback. I guess it's one thing I can be happy with. Anyways, enjoy!

The chapter there was basically just my character feeling this feeling of loneliness that was very strong. It's a dream, but the woman in it represents my, I guess, ex-OW. But the reason for the chapter is strictly my interpretation of how I feel from all of this. How I'm feeling, and I know it really isn't that way, abondoned. I just need to cope with this for now.

One thing though, it's been almost a month, can't remember exactly, I said November 17 but it feels like 4 weeks, because we broke up 2 weeks before her biopsy which was 2 weeks ago. Or was it one week before the biopsy? I don't know, but it's been going on, and we're still talking on the phone. It's hard. Very hard. The only way we're going to get through this is if she either finds someone else, ignore my calls and ignore me for a while, or if I force myself to fall back into a relationship where the other person is in control. The last option is only because I can't be in a relationship, but I can only get over her if she gets over me. So with that in mind, and how much I love her, I could not willingly go into a relationship, because my heart would not be in it. I'm... devastated. I don't even know what to type anymore. I can barely think, and I'm. That's all I'm writing for now.