Can this work ?Or am i kidding myself?

Hello to everyone. Ive been reading your posts with avid interest, Im so delighted
to come across this site where finally there are people with the same worries and issues I have. Got to admit, there are times when I feel like Im going out of my mind with questions! Id appriciate any little words of wisdom or advice from anyone really, Ill tell you a bit about my situation , Ill try not to ramble on too much ! Ok, Ive just turned 35 last week, have three lovely kids ,got out of a bad marriage around 8 months ago, currently going through the first stages of divorce, but the marriage had been bad for many years, I just didnt have the courage to get out of it, so its a huge relief finally. I met this guy on the internet around 18 months or so ago, we were just friends, but always got on well, had a real good laugh and joke everytime we talked but nothing more. Hes in Holland, im in the UK by the way. Gradually though, we found ourselves becoming closer, my marriage was finishing, he was a huge support and so easy to talk to. Hes 19, but has such an old head on his shoulders I could have been talking to someone of my own age or older, just didnt even notice the gap whatsoever. But I didnt see him as anything more than just a really good friend (although he told me later he always wanted us to be more than that). Anyway, as we got closer I felt myself becoming more attracted to him. But that little alarm in my head was ringing about the huge age gap between us and how this couldnt possibly be and couldnt be. I fought against it for a while, even told him we couldnt talk anymore.
He was hugely upset, so was I. That didnt work out as we missed each other too much, by now we are talking on the webcam for hours every day. He told me what feelings he had for me, the fact that I had three kids didnt put him off one tiny bit, that really suprised me. I talked about the "yeah but what would a lovely looking young guy see in me "? He wouldnt have it, told me age didnt matter one tiny bit and thought I was blooming amazing!he thought the world of me .

OK, fast forward a bit now.... as it stands , we have met twice, Ive gone over to Holland to spend the weekend with him. We had the most amazing time. I truly feel there is no gap between us, we kind of fit together. Hes the most gorgeous, thoughtful ,kind , caring and intellegent guy Ive ever met. Hes consistant, always there for me, always picking me up when Im down and telling me how lovely and what an amazing mommie I am. I think Im in love with him, and him me, weve known each other quite a while and were friends first, I think that makes a huge difference.

The huge worry I have is, ...and this sounds lame, is other peoples reactions to us. Im wondering if im strong enough to deal with it. My own parents were shocked, at his age. My mother thought Im insane, but dont say too much about it just dont mention it and I think they are hoping it will go away. His own mother (shes only a few years older than I am) just cannot see what a 35 year old would want to be with a 19 year old for....Im a mother myself , I can see her concern. But I felt like some pervert or something, like we were doing something wrong.
We see each other as much as we can, which is every few months at the moment. I miss him horribly when we are apart, without meaning to sound soppy, I feel like I found my other half...but other people will make it difficult for us. I feel like theres this huge HUGE mountain to get over...any advice would be appriciated, can this work? or am I kidding myself? I cant imagine life without him now.

Do not worry about what other people may think about you two. You will find that it is not so bad. My bf and I have a 21 yr gap and we do not get stares when we go out ;and my family has accepted him (reluctantly at first) and his family has accepted me (very openly from the start).

This can work, but it will take work. A relationship with a vym is a big responsibility, but if you can hang in there, it can work. I am 38 and married to a 21 year old. We will be married for 2 years in Feb and have been together since he was 18. I am American and he is Canadian. We had distance, age gap, International LDR, and a very young partner all to deal with and still managed to make it. We do have some powerful things going for us though...

1) We have the support and acceptance of our families and friends

This is no minor achievement. For some reason this seems to be a biggie. It can take time, but I believe it is a pretty important thing to have. If everyone who loves you hates this idea and they are constantly working on your heads... well love isn't going to overcome that.

2) We have a lot in common.

We are from similiar socio-economic backgrounds and families with similiar ideals. We share the same goals and even have the same hobbies/past times. Lots of folks will say this doesn't matter much and different things compliment each other, but I say nothing beats enjoying the thing you love most to do with those you love most!

3) We have realistic, clear, communicated expectations.

He's my best friend and we discuss everything. Before he came to America, we discussed in complete details what we needed our relationship to be like... down to who would do the laundry and who would work, how much and when. It is essential that all members of a family are fully functioning and contributing. In my house even the smallest child has always made some kind of a contribution. This doesn't mean money necessarily. If I needed a partner who was going to bring in the same income I was then I definately had no business with an 18 year old. He has no degree and is capable of bringing only very limited financial contributions. I've seen plenty of relationships end here because the ym couldn't provide $$ and was a serious drain to the family. I have a good income and also have young kids. Our arrangement has my husband staying home and taking care of the kids. He also goes to college full-time. I got my college degree (masters too) and if Devon had stayed home he would have gotten one too on his parents. He's an adult in an adult relationship. It is our responsibility to provide that now.

You will receive LOTS of posts that will tell you it is the rare, rare relationship with a vym that will work. You might even (probably) will receive posts that tell you that my relationship is some kind of exception. It is not. There are folks active right here on AL in happy relationships with partners who were teenagers when the relationship started... in fact one of the Admins here! You will be told that these relationships almost always end in heart ache for you. I say be as careful as you can be in any relationship because guess what? Nearly all relationships end and when they do... you have heart ache. Every single romantic relationship I've ever had, with the exception of the current one, has ended... and I've always been sad. None of those were with vym either. You will be told that he's too young and you should back off and let him live his life... grow up so to speak. You aren't stealing his youth dear... it can't be stolen. Remind yourself and just be prepared to read ;)

I am with the previous poster. Your life is what you make it, whether it is in love, in work, or just in passtimes. If one couple made it, and many have, you can too. There are super challenges, sure. The hardest for me has been to let him have his process -- not trying to make the rough spots smooth for him all the time, giving him space to learn the things I learned at his age. We have a 26 year age gap, and so far a two year kinda rocky history. My guy was not the ultra-mature 21 year old when we met, but has his own inner wisdom. Like 23 going on 40. but in the end, for me, to go ahead and sound sappy, I do feel connected to him, like we are meant to be together.

My adorable 9 year old last night said it sweetly. We were talking about an ex couple I just met who are obviously still in love, suffering from their separation... they had just been in my office together. My daughter said matter-of-factly, yes, probably they are soulmates, like you and K. I said, you think we are soulmates? She said almost impatiently, of course,mom. come on, it's obvious. You are stuck to each other like superglue. You could never leave each other. I said, you saw that when we were together last? She replied, I can even see it right now. I was surprised at her comment, but of course it is exactly the way i feel. We are together even when we are not together. And we also live in two different countries.

But I disagree with the last poster on only one count: I think that a real love can overcome even the opposition of family. Fortunately, it seems that the opposition that you encounter at this point is mostly benign. I am sure that as the relationship witstands the test of time, they will change their tune.

Congratulations on finding a satisfying relationship! As you know, they are so rare. Enjoy!

Funnily enough, I was going to tell you that Marcy would be the perfect person to answer your question, as she dealt with both issues, the age gap AND the distance.

And yes, it can definitely work. If the only thing that is giving you doubts is what other people might think, then you have a really good relationship going for you!

You know, your family and friends may say things. I don't think they mean to be mean or rude, I truly think it comes from caring for you and not wanting you to get hurt. And you know, it is an unconventional relationship, and they are going to be surprised and react like shocked/surprised people do.

I, myself, was shocked when I came to the realization that I had fallen in love with someone who was 18 years old, and I tried to talk MYSELF out of it. So, it didn't come as a shock to me when others reacted in the same manner. In time, when people close to you have a while to adapt and get comfortable with the situation, a lot of times they change their tune. At least in my case they did.

As I was telling someone who asked for advice in PM the other day, no-one knows your relationship like you do. No-one. And the two of you are the ones who know what you share, if it's worth overcoming the distance, etc. No-one could know that better.

So, my advice would be to follow your heart, but keep a clear head. Don't let other people's opinions ruin what could be a most wonderful experience for you both.

And in answer to your original question, yes it can work. I started dating my b/f when he was 18 and I was 32, and we are now 38 and 24. :)

Your age gap really isn't that big compared to several couples on this board who have been together for a number of years. More than the age gap, I'd be cautious because of his very young age, but it sounds as though he may be very mature for his age. And there are a number of successful, long-term relationships on this board that began when they guy was still in the 18-21 age range. Just be aware that he will probably change more over the next few years than you will

Everything you're feeling is quite normal and everyone overcomes their fears at their own pace. Some have none going in and some of us are still overcoming them!

One day at a time. You are not nuts and Marcy did a beautiful job summing it up.

Thank you for your replys! really appreciate them,coming from people with experience they help put my head in some kind of order. Im naturally the kind of person that questions everything, and I suppose low on confidence too. My YM or VYM is more confident and positive than I am, hes always sure everything is going to work out beautifully. I love his confident manner. Hes always tells me not to worry and as long as we are happy with each other he does give a damn what anyone else thinks, he loves me and thats all that matters. As one poster commented, he is very mature ,in fact sometimes he looks at me with raised eyebrows and smiles at some silly thing ive done ! makes me feel like the younger one !

I think one of the things in my mind too is how much he will change in the next few years. Its only natural, what he wants now might not be what he wants say next year, ive spoken to him about this. But I think one day at a time, who knows what the future will bring? its hard to stop myself from gallopping ahead with the "what ifs" and the "yes buts". He tells me he loves me, he thinks im amazing(the first time I heard that , coudnt belive it, no one ever told me that, and i have to stop myself saying ...no im not) We are very comfortable together, from the first time we met and hugged it felt right. I adore him, maybe I should relax and bit more and enjoy being loved so much?

gosh, thanks for listening to me rambling on guys! xxx

Do not worry about what other people may think about you two. You will find that it is not so bad. My bf and I have a 21 yr gap and we do not get stares when we go out ;and my family has accepted him (reluctantly at first) and his family has accepted me (very openly from the start).

Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! I could have written these exact words except that our gap is 25 years.

Hon, you have a life to live . . . we each have a life to live . . . you can't live someone else's life so why would you let someone else try to live your life for you?

Yes, there may be some rude people out there who will make remarks (we haven't encountered any of them tho) and there may be those who give you looks (we don't notice any of those either), but the bottom line is the way the two of you feel about each other. Nothing else should matter.

If you want a relationship with him and he wants one with you, then you should pursue that the same way you would pursue a relationship with a same-age partner. Take it slow and easy and see what develops.

Live your life with no regrets!

Good luck :)

Yes, "one day at a time" is the best way to go in a relationship with a very young man, still in his teens. Oh, and add: GO SLOW to that mix. If you ARE meant to be and he really IS mature beyond his years (what we all think our ym are:) ), then taking your time to make huge relationship decisions will not alter his desire and commitment to be with you. As he ages into his full=adulthood in the next few years, he will change a lot....let him. Support, encourage, love...but avoid anything that could breed co-dependence in you both. Be the role of lover and friend, avoid the ones that scream "care-taker" (giving him money, "gifts" that he couldn't afford himself, providing housing/loans/cosigning for anything while he is just bf-status, etc...marriage is different).

Enjoy your time together now, and walk forward from here. Dating a vym can be absolutely enchanting, so don't lose your head with your heart right now, okay? Don't worry about what other, "generic-public" people think. But familial support is a HUGE glue in these kinds of relationships because it does offset the societal scrutiny they usually face, and it girds you up as a couple with a support structure that feels strong. Work toward acceptance on both sides of your families, if you can...sometimes that can take a while.

Your gap is totally manageable (mine with my exvym was huge), just give him time to get a few years of adulthood under his belt, and see where everything is at that point. You could be in for a lovely short term journey that you will never forget....or a long term one with joy immeasurable. Yes, there are some long term (5+ years) relationships here that began when the guys were teenagers
(and I for one think these are exceptional, wonderful, yet unique) ; but there are unfortunately, many more that have ended...I for one believe that is due primarily to the fact that men generally reach that "age of autonomy" later than we women do. An 18-19 or 20 year old has a ways to journey (remember yourself at 19 and how much you've grown since then?), and a completely autonomous/actualized adult is better able to make life-long commitments. Everyone reaches that place in life at different ages (and some of the vym here in LTR's for years have obviously reached it at a younger age), but generally it seems to hover around age 25 or so.

All I'm saying is that rather than "throwing caution to the wind", you need to draw on the wisdom you've gained through the years and use caution to your ADVANTAGE to give this relationship the best chance at flourishing:D It can work, and I hope it does for you and your guy.

Go slow, and one day at a time.:)
Best,
Karen

My husband and I were in a long distance relationship as well before we got married. We met on the internet on a Forum like this one (only for metal lovers) and we started to talk and before we knew it we were in love. I was 32 and he was 19... he lived in Washington State and I in Norway.
I as so many others questioned myself and my sanity when I realized that I was in love with a guy only 5 years older than my daughter... but with the help of the many wonderful stories here on ageless I found that love has nothing to do with age.
It took a while before my kids came to terms with me marrying him, but I do think that they would have had the same problem with any other guy... but the age was a good thing to blame everything on.

About a month ago I was on one of thouse reunion thingies, and everyone there was cool about the fact that Joel is 13 years younger than me. As the matter of fact I had that reaction from both genders.. the guys were like thats cool and the girls were like:more power to ya, if it is cool for a guy it is cool for a woman as well!

When it comes to parents, I think that they usually come around and accept the age gap relationships, and if they don't who's to say that the real reason is the gap? Not every parent accepts the choices their child makes when it comes to their life partner... and the reasons are many and often not very valid.

Joel and I came to learn that the worst problem we had was the distance gap of 6000 miles... and how little money we both had to make the travels back and forth... so after one visit we decided on closing the miles.
Little did we know then that we had to get married in order to do so... :p

Joel and I got married on the 22nd of July, 2005, in WA and we now live together in Norway...

I guess what I'm saying is that things are possible even if they may seem almost impossible....

Go into this with your eyes open; he is still young and may well have a lot of changing and growing to do - but that's not to say that he won't grow closer to you rather than away from you!

I met my vym online, playing an online game. We lived 700 miles apart - he was right on the north coast of Scotland and I was right on the south coast of England. He was just turned 18 when we met, and I was 29.

At first I thought I was mad when I started thinking how close I felt to him and how much I missed him when I went away for a few days and couldn't get online. But he admitted that he missed me too and it soon became clear that we had grown to care for one another.

We met in April this year, the spark was there immediately, we have now been living together for four months.

Okay, he's having real trouble getting a job and at first it was an issue, but we talked it through and now I see that he's trying as hard as he can, he's getting out and about doing voluntary work to gain experience and knowledge, and I know that he is doing all he can to contribute. When he is at home, he cleans the house and cooks my dinner, as that way he still feels that he is contributing.

Sometimes I get insecure and worry that he will "grow out" of me, but to be honest this is the most secure I have been within a loving relationship and he makes me feel adored and cherished. He's a genuine, wonderful man and I know even if he does grow and change and want different things that he will be honest with me and not lie or cheat or mess me about. Of course I hope this doesn't happen, but I'm sure as hell not going to leave the best relationship I've ever had out of concern about what might happen in the future!

You're not mad to want this, though, and there's no reason that something good can't happen.