It was the age-gap!!!

I just received an e-mail from Robb. Indeed, it was the age-gap and that I am a grandmother. He says he loves me and always will, but he can't get over the age-gap. Apparently, the age difference became an issue about the time when I turned 60. He still wants to be best friends, but, he just can't be romantic with me anymore. That's it in a nutshell.

I would like to share Robb's letter to me with those who are interested in providing me some feedback to consider before I respond to him. However, I am sure you will understand if I don't display such a personal thing where thousands of strangers can see something so very personal to me. So, I am asking for those persons who truly wish to help me see or understand what I am too blinded (by the tears, I'm sure) to see for myself, by PMing me and I will PM his letter so you can provide some thoughts. Please understand that I will only do this with persons that I am familiar with.

AND to me, that IS our biggest fear. We just have never had anyone reach this age before on here before, I do not think. And that number (as Yellowrose has alluded to several times) seems to be the "boundary" of so many things. We have been told that 30 is the new 40; 40 is the new 50 and 50 is the new 60; but I think that may not quite be true as 60 well... 60 really does require a whole new mindset for that is when the aging process will happen faster the further we go into that decade, and THAT idea/concept, I think, will never go away. I brought it up in one thread about we women being our own worst enemies when I said: "will he still love me when I'm 65~ (and he is 30,35,40,45, 50) BUT what we really mean is will he still be sexually attracted to me when I am that age?!" I know that LADave will jump in here and maybe one or two more, but they are way out of the ordinary, we do have to admit.

I am so sorry this has happened... and like I said when I sent you a pm, we are here for you, and PLEASE take care of yourself!

AND to me, that IS our biggest fear.

You're right. It was always my biggest fear. And, indeed, it did happen.

... 60 really does require a whole new mindset for that is when the aging process will happen faster the further we go into that decade, and THAT idea/concept, I think, will never go away. I brought it up in one thread about we women being our own worst enemies when I said: "will he still love me when I'm 65~ (and he is 30,35,40,45, 50) BUT what we really mean is will he still be sexually attracted to me when I am that age?!"

Robb was around 29 when we met and now he's 43. You'd think that after all that time, the age difference would become irrelevant. Well, in my case, it's irrelevant if you're speaking about a friendship, but, if we're talking about physical attraction/sexual attraction, I guess it isn't.

I just received an e-mail from Robb. Indeed, it was the age-gap and that I am a grandmother. He says he loves me and always will, but he can't get over the age-gap. Apparently, the age difference became an issue about the time when I turned 60. He still wants to be best friends, but, he just can't be romantic with me anymore. That's it in a nutshell.....

Flyer, I'm sorry to hear that because, to my way of thinking, that's a terrible reason in and of itself.

You've described yourself as athletic, loving, very much interested in sex, and attractive. For me, sexiness is not defined by "What number are you?" and "Do you have grandkids?" but more "What can you do?" and "How well do you carry yourself?" ;)

Every man's different though. Many men are very visually-focused in an age-discriminatory way, perhaps more so than they will truthfully admit as time passes by. It's also possible that he has a child-craving that he's too ashamed to admit to, and he's planning to make babies with someone else.

There is NOTHING anyone can do about stuff like that except hope you've found someone who truly knows what he wants, and is not BSing you.

Sad,
you see, the woman I love is 73. I fell in love with her she was 60. Honestly, I was kind of afraid I'd find her old when she'd turn 70-75 (but I was much younger and maybe didn't see love the way I see it now), but she's still pretty and I love her more than ever.


Maybe this man didn't love you enough. Love is supposed to be for better or worse, but nowadays, people don't want the "worse" part.


What I mean by the "worst" part is when things aren't rosy, or some changes occur.

Funny thing is, there are women in their 30s and even 20s that are in no shape to do any of the activities that you describe. So that crap about the age is just that... BS. :mad:
I do not know what has made me so mad about your guy's actions. It may be the fact that this came out of nowhere... after 11 years!!! One could think that by year 2 you can figure out if you truly love somebody or not, and if you don't, move on, and do not make the person waste her/his time.

You've described yourself as athletic, loving, very much interested in sex, and attractive. For me, sexiness is not defined by "What number are you?" and "Do you have grandkids?" but more "What can you do?" and "How well do you carry yourself?" ;)

It's also possible that he has a child-craving that he's too ashamed to admit to, and he's planning to make babies with someone else.

As far as how I look, I have a personal body trainer so that should clue you in on my physical condition. Just yesterday there was a 46-year old man on our 4x4 offroad trip that was hitting on me and I know he had no idea how old I really am.

As far as Robb wanting children--I've known Robb for close to 15 years. Don't forget we were best friends first. Trust me, it's not that. Children would mean he would have less money for his expensive hobbies, and little time for himself. His assessment of what impact children would have also derives from the men who share his r/c building planes hobby who come to his garage to get away from wife and children and complain how they have little time or money for their hobby. I believe him when he says its the age gap and my being a grandmother. He's always had a problem with it I guess, even though I thought he had gotten over it since he hadn't mentioned it in several years.

Sad,
you see, the woman I love is 73. I fell in love with her she was 60. Honestly, I was kind of afraid I'd find her old when she'd turn 70-75 (but I was much younger and maybe didn't see love the way I see it now), but she's still pretty and I love her more than ever.


Maybe this man didn't love you enough. Love is supposed to be for better or worse, but nowadays, people don't want the "worse" part.


What I mean by the "worst" part is when things aren't rosy, or some changes occur.
May I ask how old you are?
Yes, I agree. He needs to do some growing in the area of what is important. He knows he's superficiial. He's not proud of that, but he doesn't know what to do to change the reality of that feeling. Your lady is very fortunate that she has found someone for whom love is truly blind.

Funny thing is, there are women in their 30s and even 20s that are in no shape to do any of the activities that you describe. So that crap about the age is just that... BS. :mad:
I do not know what has made me so mad about your guy's actions. It may be the fact that this came out of nowhere... after 11 years!!! One could think that by year 2 you can figure out if you truly love somebody or not, and if you don't, move on, and do not make the person waste her/his time.
You know, I don't think it's about how I look or what I can do. If I knew how to work my scanner and send a picture of me, I would send it. No one on this site knows what I look like. For what it's worth, my high school students tell me "I'm hot." :o No one believes me when I tell them my age. I look like I'm in my 40's. No, I think the issue is all in his head, at least for now. I know at some point I will definitely start look "old" then he'll really have a problem. BTW, in his e-mail to me, he did emphatically state that he loves me and always will. It must be such a shallow kind of love. I'm mad, too!

I brought it up in one thread about we women being our own worst enemies when I said: "will he still love me when I'm 65~ (and he is 30,35,40,45, 50) BUT what we really mean is will he still be sexually attracted to me when I am that age?!" I know that LADave will jump in here and maybe one or two more, but they are way out of the ordinary, we do have to admit.

IMHO, age is no impediment to sexiness! The key thing that makes a woman sexy, in my mind, is self-confidence and comfort with her body. Not being hung up on body issues and embracing the patina that comes with aging--now that's sexy!

Back in late June I put up a long post in the "Old Body Thing" thread about being just bowled over by a woman in her 70s I saw at Starbucks. This is in a town, mind you, that's full of aspiring actresses, models, starlets and other such conventional eye-candy. I don't even notice them--it's the 50+ women that have a way of catching my eye.

One of my best friends is a woman of 79, and I find her attractive.

That Robb just plain [fouled] up!

No one believes me when I tell them my age. I look like I'm in my 40's.

You sound like a friend of mine I was hanging out with yesterday afternoon. I had figured her to be 47, 48 or thereabouts. Well, guess what? She's 60! It's all in a woman's health, how she takes care of herself, and her attitude.

I know that there are men out there who would ignore that number (and that is all it really is in a way). I have a Serb friend who is 32 and wants a 55+ woman too, but they constantly reject him. I told him maybe I can "nose around" when I am there and find out some things and maybe even someone:D! I also had forgotten totally that there is a teacher at my school who is also 61 (but not a g'ma) and who is HOT and is often judged as being 50 tops by her students. She has been married to a man 20 years her junior for 15 years, I think, and it is still going strong. So it can work out, but it has to be with the right person??? But after 11 years, one would have thought.... grrrrrr.....

That Robb just plain [fouled] up!

Yes, he is

(By suicideblond) But after 11 years, one would have thought.... grrrrrr.....

Yes, one would have thought.

I'm really sorry to hear about your break up, and I will bear you in my thoughts. I hope that all goes well for you, and from what I hear about you, you must be pretty hot.

This leads me to have doubts about Robb's claim. It just doesn't make sense to me that after 11 years in a relationship, that this guy would split just because of the age gap. I mean, he had to have known your age all along, and to all of a sudden consider it a deal breaker just doesn't add up with me. In the other thread, some people mentioned the idea of another woman being involved, and that may be it, because this just sounds like a pretty lame cop out.

Admittedly, people aren't always logical, and I don't know Robb as well as you do, but that seems to make more sense to me.

I'm really sorry to hear about your break up, and I will bear you in my thoughts. I hope that all goes well for you, and from what I hear about you, you must be pretty hot.

This leads me to have doubts about Robb's claim. It just doesn't make sense to me that after 11 years in a relationship, that this guy would split just because of the age gap. I mean, he had to have known your age all along, and to all of a sudden consider it a deal breaker just doesn't add up with me. In the other thread, some people mentioned the idea of another woman being involved, and that may be it, because this just sounds like a pretty lame cop out.

Admittedly, people aren't always logical, and I don't know Robb as well as you do, but that seems to make more sense to me.
He never was comfortable with the age gap. He tried to break it off a couple of times in the past, but, when I started to walk out the door, he grabbed me back and said he couldn't let me go. I honestly don't think it's another woman, but, if it is, then our love was not meant to be. I accept that.

Sorry, but I don't buy the age thing and you being a grandmother. What nonsense. This is obviously just an excuse so he can turn it around on you. I know you are hurt, but frankly, you are lucky to be rid of a man this superficial and this "undevoted" to a relationship. He obviously just want to unload himself. And at 43, I hope he doesn't think he's still some sort of "stud" 'cause he'll need to get a serious reality check.

May I ask how old you are?
Yes, I agree. He needs to do some growing in the area of what is important. He knows he's superficiial. He's not proud of that, but he doesn't know what to do to change the reality of that feeling. Your lady is very fortunate that she has found someone for whom love is truly blind.


To answer your question, I am 37.


The sad thing is, we are not together. It's a very long story.:(


If you want to know more about my story, please check the topics of the last 75 days and look for a thread titled "In love with a woman twice my age".


In the meantime, I think it's really sad what he has done and I find the "it's not you, it's me" line to be common to all the people who make the break. It's just a tap dance around saying that they want something else in life.


I also noticed the other common line for people who break up either a marriage or a long relationship is "You know, I never REALLY loved you."


I find that very sad. If one person allegedly never really loved a partner, then why did they stick around?


:confused:

Robb was around 29 when we met and now he's 43.

Okay, Flyer, thanks for the clarification here. You know what? It sounds like classic "male mid-life crisis" behavior now that I know his age...kinda makes more sense in a way.

I'm sorry, hon....keep being your hot little self and move forward from here. There is a grand blessing right around the corner for you, I just know it!

I know you are hurt, but frankly, you are lucky to be rid of a man this superficial and this "undevoted" to a relationship. He obviously just want to unload himself. And at 43, I hope he doesn't think he's still some sort of "stud" 'cause he'll need to get a serious reality check
No argument here. However, I can unequivocally state that he does not suffer from the illusion of being a stud.

flyer, what was it about him that made you stay the 11 years, i know all this was started in friendship but if he had such issues as age all along and the fact of you being a grandmother, why did you not just hand him his assets and be assertive with the fact that you are who you are?

i became a grandmother at 38. i was a bit embarassed by it when it happened, daughter in highschool and all, (they since got married and are expecting baby #3)

when ever i am out with my grandbabies, everyone assumes they are mine. i am 47. i clarify immediately that i am their grandmother unless its someone i have no interest in having a deeper conversation with.

being a grandmother is not a character defect. maybe your guy has some good and great attributes but i think you left him to his own devices a bit too much. his thinking has gotten him in trouble, you have actually described someone as a bit selfish, yet you saw something good in him and thats great, its not so easy to replace a good relationship, he may end up regretting this move, then what are you going to do?

in the mean time you must take him at his word about his newest brainstorm and it sounds like you are shocked but very strong and moving forward.

i loved suicides deep thoughts regarding age, i have insecurities also, i am a bit bent on keeping young, i think i am attractive also and i am working on my health more and more, i want to enjoy life as much as possible.

my husband has NEVER had a thing about my age, never even a negative speck of a word has ever come from his lips, even TODAY i asked him what about tomorrow, always positive reinforcemnt, i am not sure i would be as strong as you are today if this had happened to me, my hat is off to you.

i have kind of a personal question, do you really want this guy? it seems like you had a bit of reservations yourself regarding his true personality traits, is it that you never really want to be married again? or was he nice enough to spend this time with over the years? what do you really want?

i want to be more like you, i have thought of your past posts regarding your athletic ability, i admire you and skatergirl, two people who WORK their bodies, we need more of women like you around and by gosh sakes get a picture of yourself, even ask dan shues on our site, he was an angel with getting ours on ageless.

in the meantime, keep venting until this makes sence or is at least more acceptable to you.

I tend to agree with Special K. It does sound like he is either on the verge, or middle of, a "mid-life crisis." If he had doubts over the years, then when you got to the age of 60, I bet his doubts increased even more.

He owed it to you to not broadside you with this. But, he still did it anyway. And he waited until right before the holidays, which is THE WORST time to break up with someone.

I know it's difficult to see it now, but you are much better off without a man who is not as committed to you as you are to him and who would treat you this way.

I am just so furious that he would treat you this way. :mad:

I'm really sorry to hear about this, flyer. Really sorry. It also opens up every warning and fear we as the OW have about age gap relationships. After eleven years, you would think that he had figured out his concerns and came to grips with them. It seems that he just buried them. Maybe he is just freaking out in a midlife crisis way. I don't know what else to say. Stay strong.

As far as how I look, I have a personal body trainer so that should clue you in on my physical condition. Just yesterday there was a 46-year old man on our 4x4 offroad trip that was hitting on me and I know he had no idea how old I really am.




First of all I am so very sorry for any pain you are experiencing right now.

Next looking at your above statement reinforces my sentiments that people imbue too much psychological power in a NUMBER.

You obviously look, act and give off a vibe of attractiveness & vibrance.

But you err towards honesty and since you were truthful about your age, you're getting kicked in the butt by a guy with a major middle age meltdown. :mad:

If things don't work out with my YM, from now on I am lying, evading, obfuscating my chronological age.
Totally naughty, but Im ticked off at all the women who are judged and treated unfairly when they reveal their actual ages.
I'm only 36, but still look like a baby. Guys constantly say I look 23-25.
When I admit my age, they treat me very differently. Joke Im an older woman.
Which annoys me no end. Treat me how I look and act. Not on some random number.

And I wish I could say it will change in my lifetime, but in this country and society it is still way patriarchaland slanted against women holding and owning their power.

And if I do start fudging my age, it'll be a long family tradition. Im an amateur genealogist and I found at least 3 women in my family who lied about thier ages their whole life because they were mrrid to men 3-9 years younger. Heheh. ;)

Anyway Flyer, keep taking awesome care of yourself and find a guy with better self esteem who wont be preoccupied with what age you are in public records.
Find one who sees your heart age and jibes with that.

Hugs

Flyer I don't know what to say except my thoughts are with you my heart goes out to you. Take care and keep thinking positive thoughts. Things will work out.
(((((Flyer))))

Flyer, you mentioned that you were aware that he was superficial. Men who are superficial are impossible to please. They'll ALWAYS find something wrong with you. It's their nature. If he has another woman, trust me, he'll find something wrong with her too! A man like that will bring nothing but unhappiness and low self-esteem. My ex-husband was superficial. I was a size 5, and I wasn't skinny enough. I had sex with him twice, three times a day and it wasn't enough. I looked like Stevie Nicks, but I wasn't pretty enough. We stated out as best friends too. We were in rock bands together. We were together a total of 13 years. I see him now, he's a total loser, miserable, hates life, and I think, "What in the world did I see in this person???" By him constantly pointing out my supposed shortcomings, forcing me to focus on myself and trying to be "perfect", I had no time to actually see HIS shortcomings! He was 8 years older than me, btw.

Robin is the opposite of superficial. I can tell you from experience, that being with someone who is not superficial is an amazing, wonderful thing. To actually be made to believe that you ARE beautiful, smart, sexy, funny, great in bed, etc. by the man who you are in love with, is such an incredible feeling, such an incredible way to LIVE, you permanently write off superficial men forever! Men who are not superficial do not judge you at all. They do not want to change you. They accept your age, your parental or grand-parental status and celebrate it. They think your little stomach "paunch" is cute. They like your ample butt. They simply don't even notice your wrinkles or vericose veins. They talk about the future, INCLUDING retirement, old age, health issues that may arise. Why don't they leave? Because they LOVE YOU and this is WHO YOU ARE! Robin is 28. He is gorgeous, energetic, honest, fun, and just a really wonderful person. He could have anyone. He knows I'm older. He knows I'm going to age more. He wants to be there for that, has said it many times.

I'm only saying all of this to say, yes, maybe Rob had an issue with your age, but that was just HIM. There are so many thousands of guys out there, same age or younger, that will accept your age just like your shoe size...it won't matter. Being a grandmother won't matter. My good friend is 43 and a grandmother, and she is HOT! She gets hit on all the time, even as she brags about being a grandmother.

I would wager that you're in better shape than most 20-somethings. I too, want to know why you stayed with such a superficial, condescending asshole when you could have been with any number of men who would have worshipped the ground you walked on. It sounds like married life with your ex-husband was really confining and stifling. Not all marriages are that way! You can be commited and still have some independence.

Lastly, please, PLEASE don't obssess over what Rob's doing and/or with whom. If he is with someone else, she isn't BETTER. She's different. That's all. As I said before, he'll soon find fault with her too. When Robin and I were broken up, he began seeing an ex friend of mine. By society's standards, she's attractive. At first, he was smitten, because she seemed to fulfill all the areas that I didn't (listening to him, for instance). He soon saw major flaws and red flags, and ended things. When we got back together, I questioned him about her. He prefers my ample body over her skinny one, says the sex we have is unmatched, that I'm the best person he's ever known, etc. All the time we were apart, I imagined he had found someone "better" but he didn't. There is no one better. There is no one like me. There is no one like you either. If Robin left me tomorrow, I wouldn't waste one minute agonizing over the why's or who-is-she's...I'd be strutting my sexy, 44-year-old self out into the world and making myself available to all the wonderful men who'd be ready to adore me! :)

Flyer can you handle a friendship with him after what he has told you, done to you? Wouldn't it be too painful?

Bottom line here, if he does not want you as the woman in his life, don't take the crumbs!

Walk away, with your head up high (even if it is just for show and inside you are torn) and keep walking forward. One step at a time, you will get there...

Keep up the good work and take care of yourself!

I wish you the best, dear.

I just want to say that I hope you can get through this, without thinking it is something about you. I too think his 'age gap fears & grandmother bit' is just crap. Typical middle age crazies is what it is to me anyway.

You are such a nice, decent person... I hate that it happened this way. Keep posting as much as you need to. HUGS...

By Kittylane-- i have kind of a personal question, do you really want this guy? it seems like you had a bit of reservations yourself regarding his true personality traits, is it that you never really want to be married again? or was he nice enough to spend this time with over the years? what do you really want?
Good question---Also, why would he want me? Neither of us wants to be married. He because he doesn't know any couples who remain happy after a few years together. Me, because I've been there, done that and it wasn't great.
We are both so darn independent. Both of us enjoy the freedom of having our own places and coming and going as we like. I always accepted our relationship on a one-day-at-a-time basis. I've lived long enough to know that nothing stays the same and people change. This world is temporal whether we like it or not. I knew he had reservations, but he seemed to be able to deal with it, and he hadn't brought it up in years and when he turned 40 and started referring to himself as middle-aged, I thought he was okay with it. My becoming a grandmother and my turning 60 apparently made a big difference. I wasn't thrilled about turning 60 either. I'm scared, too. I'm 8 1/2 years from 70. Everyone around that age that we know looks and acts old. Even people who were physically active in their younger days. His mother is 68 and she looks quite old. I think it makes us both wonder, is that going to happen to me? I don't think it will because I do take care of myself and she doesn't at all. But, the reality is that at some point I will begin to look "old." I hate this, really hate this. He is very torn and angry at himself for these feelings of his. I suspect they have a lot to do with his fear of losing me. He once shared with me a nightmare he had that I had died and he was totally distraught. He is an introvert and a very private person and I am the only person in the world he trusts 100%. I know he's in anguish right now. He has no spiritual beliefs that are able to help him through this period in which I believe he needs to start dealing with the reality of his and my mortality. My having turned 60 last year is a metaphorical glass of cold water in the face that his youth is gone and that I am at some point not too far away going to be "old."
So, back to what do I want from him? Love, physical affection, and companionship.
I don't want to ever be a burden to him. I would release him before I would ever let him be pushing me around in a wheelchair. We are both adventurers. We live a bit on the edge. Together we have scuba-dived with sharks and swam with dolphins, we have kayaked in sea caves, we have flown in gliders, we have flown planes over the Pacific dog-fighting with each other. We have flown in open helicopters over huge waterfalls and in tropical rainforest storms and over an erupting volcano in Hawaii. We are always taking our 4x4 modified trucks rockcrawling doing our best not to flip over. We have climbed cliffs and then repelled down. We have explored wild caves where we had to repell down into the cave. We're always running off into wilderness areas looking for trouble. I trust him with my life and he trusts me with his. As he says we still have new trouble that we haven't even thought of to get into. He says he still loves me and always will. He says he will always consider me to be his life partner, but he just can't be romantic with me. I don't think I can live without being touched.

Many of you are concerned about how my self-esteem is faring through this, and
I so appreciate your concern and support. I don't know how all this will turn out, but, I assure you, my self-esteem is intact. I've just mentioned the stuff I've done with Robb. I haven't told you the adventures I've had on my own. I am a strong willed, independent woman. When I was 50, a 25-year old young woman watched me climb a cliff and then repell down. She said, and I quote, "If she can do it, so can I." She couldn't. I had a slight fever that day. I have yet to meet the woman who is even interested in doing the things I do. Robb has never met her either. It played a big part of why we were attracted to each other. If he did meet such a woman, he'd have to share her with me; she'd be my new best friend. I need someone to do things with other than Robb. (This was meant to be a joke. This pretty much would be unbearable.)

Flyer reading your last post it seems like you are more concerned about him than about yourself. Think about that one please!

And yes, most all of us, fear turning old, becoming a burden to someone else, but until that moment comes, if it ever comes, we must live life to the fullest, and it seems you have done so, however nowadays your fears are taking over your whole being and is freezing you form moving forward...

Again dear, do not accept crumbs!

PS There are plenty more people out there that can be your friends, go and find them.

Flyer reading your last post it seems like you are more concerned about him than about yourself. Think about that one please!

And yes, most all of us, fear turning old, becoming a burden to someone else, but until that moment comes, if it ever comes, we must live life to the fullest, and it seems you have done so, however nowadays your fears are taking over your whole being and is freezing you form moving forward...

Again dear, do not accept crumbs!

PS There are plenty more people out there that can be your friends, go and find them.
No, I will not accept crumbs. I WANT the whole enchilada!

Then reconsider being his friend...

I couldn't! But we are not all alike.

Again, wishing you the best!

PS By the way I have an 18 month old grandaughter and I love it! I am 47 and I am looking forward to more grandkids!

PSS You should be so proud of having so much energy and great life. Do NOT let a man make you feel old!

I am fairly new here & you may not know me, but I wanted to say I am sorry for your pain & send you a big hug!

It is always a fear with us OW & I am ever so reluctant to continue with my ym sometimes because of this fear.

I pray that you find strength & answers. Do look on this relationship as something special & wonderful.

My best to you. I would like to read the letter, but understand as you are not familiar with me.

With love & prayers:
Lovaholic