Its Over

I havent posted in a really long time so I will give you some backround, Im 35 he is 25, we have known each for a really long time years. We started a relationship 2yrs ago, and got engaged 6 months later, we get along great, havent had any major issues, or fights along the way.

He started going to night school about a year ago, its really stressful for him, he works fulltime, is a professional, and decided to get another degree, which I totally supported. We agreed to wait until 2007 to get married, as he should have been done with school, that should have been this August, but the workload was too much and it will be longer until he is done. We havent been able to connect well the past months, and although we spend time together the quality and quantity was not there, I didnt push the issue.

Out of the blue Sunday he tells me he is not ready to get married, that he said he wanted to finish school, when we got engaged and he feels to pressured. I told him it was fine we could postpone it, then the bomb drops, he doesnt know what he wants right now (mind you this is not your typical macho man, he is kind, sensitive, and very caring).

By now I am numb I cant believe I am hearing this and I go into panic mode, no tears, I cant talk, Then he says he doesnt think we are in love with each other anymore and that we arent connected. I admit things arent as passionate as they were, but we are two years into this (this is his first long term relationship)

I of course cant take it anymore, I get up take off my ring put it on my desk, and then tell him I have to leave (we were at my house) we both left I drove around for a few hours, and came home the ring was gone.

A brief txt msg told me he had it, and I havent heard from him since, he blocked my aim id, and the last thing he was that he needed to be alone right now.

I spoke to only 1 of our friends, who said nobody knows, and was shocked.

I am dying inside

I bet you are dying inside, and I'm sorry to hear he broke your engagement. We all take a risk with falling in love, don't we?

People will come on here and say he wasn't settled and blah, blah but at the end of the day, people get married when they aren't settled all the time. I got married at 19 to a man who was 23 and it lasted for over 30 years.

I'm really sorry for your loss. It wasn't your fault, ok?

I am really sorry to hear about this, and I really don't know what to think. I guess this loss of closeness over the past few months has made him fail to see the forest for all the trees, so to speak. He should be off school soon, so perhaps he should have waited until he had some time to spend with you on the evenings and weekends, but he did not. I wish you the best, and I really hope you can make it through this. I am sorry.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know the pain as many on here do. One wishes one could know what goes through the male mind. They don't communicate well, that's for sure. Let him be in his "cave" for a while without hearing from you. I know you have a "need" to talk, that's how we women work out things. But, men??? who knows what's going through their heads. It helps if you keep a journal. Then, you can edit, and re-edit things that are going through your head right now. Also, a good way to get the anger out. Then, when you do talk, you'll be a lot clearer about what you want to ask him and what you want to tell him. He, sounds like he's feeling a lot of pressure right now what with school and an approaching wedding. I'm betting he's just running scared and trying to find some breathing room. Give it to him. Be understanding. Let him know that considering the pressure he's under it probably wasn't a good time to be planning a wedding. First time marriage for a guy is probably one of the scariest things a guy faces. Be patient, at least until he's finished with school. I've kind of surprised myself writing this since I'm going through my own reassessment of my long-time relationship. Actually, I'm a little down on men right now and my real inclination is to ship them all to Antarctica where the weather matches their hearts.:mad:

I'm sorry too.

But don't wait around for him to finish school, if he's blocked your name on AIM, he's done with the relationship. Whether its for now or not, who knows...its not your responsibility anymore to hold it up. Its going to hurt like hell, but in the end you'll live and survive and know that you put into it the very best of yourself and in that he will never ever deny.

Now its time to start taking care of you. You accountable to yourself to get to a good place and prepare to find love again. Don't hang around moaning and whining about what you've lost...its gone, it may or may not come back, that's neither here nor there. Life goes on and the sun will still shine tomorrow and only you can decide how you want to face it.

He's going on his merry way...not wanting to think of you and making every effort to erase you from his mind and space. Do the same, fake it until its real. Grieve over this and then don't give it a second thought. As long as you know that you gave it all you had and you can walk away from this at peace.

Paris

His abrupt ending, and his subsequent blocking you on AIM (and taking the ring) tells me that he is completely over it, and that there may be someone else at night school. I don't mean to sound harsh...I KNOW all too well exactly how you feel right now (racing heart, nausea, confusion, deep deep sorrow), I went through it in 2003 and never want to go there again. That's why I mention this thought....it's NOT about you at all...you are a wonderful, valid woman; he has issues, or has been flirting with the idea of being with someone else he knows.

You mentioned that this was your guy's first LTR. That says loads to me. My 2003 breakup was with my ymbf (3+years together), and it was his first LTR also. That was part of what made it feel so bad as well...I had virtually laid the groundwork for him to know how to love, please, treat a woman, then he was gone. I think it is really rare (especially these days ) that a guy will actually marry the first woman he falls in love with, and stay with her for the duration.

I purposefully wouldn't date a ym after my breakup who had never been in a LTR before. I didn't need to be a "training ground" any longer, ya know?

I hope you can just focus on yourself right now...realize it is over, and start acting like it is. Fake it till you make it if you have to, but start to move forward from here. Find a hobby/class you want to pursue, change your hairstyle, get a massage...anything that kind of "changes up" your surroundings and yourself to remind you how much value you deserve.

Take care, hon...it really helps to come here and vent...keep doing that as long as you need....
Karen

His abrupt ending, and his subsequent blocking you on AIM (and taking the ring) tells me that he is completely over it, and that there may be someone else at night school.I agree with you special K.

I know you must be in total shock. I can understand how that can make you physically sick. Do what ever you can to grieve. Can you take time off from job or school? You need a couple of weeks just to process and feel the sadness and pain.

I would write in my journal everything I felt, from pain to rage. I never showed it to anyone or sent it to my X. It was just a way to get the feelings out and get through the trauma.

What an insensitive jerk to do this to you just before Christmas. If it is another person that he is into... remember he might come crawling back in 4 to 6 months. I have had that happen too. Don't call or write him. Don't grovel.... Remember who you were before you met him. You were okay then and you will be okay again, I promise.

Vent all you need to... HUGS!
Barbara

The thing that is weird is that our families are extremely close, I have known him for many many years, well you get my drift, we celebrate all holidays together since we were young, he hasnt told any of our friends, or family, I have only told one person who we both know, although he blocked my aim, our myspace pages, are still linked, and he was on yesterday.

I havent spoken to him, since sunday when this happened, we also share a cell plan and he hasnt shut off my phone, Im shocked, and I know the bill was due yesterday. He also didnt give me my keys back, to my house.

ITs like limbo for me, although I was able to eat today, without puking and I slept a little bit. I have been emersing myself in my son, and have made plans although Im not thrilled to go out with a few girlfriends from work on Sat PM, I usually dont see him during the week so its not too bad right now. but when my son is at his dads, I think it will start all over again.

I never thought we would get to this point. Honestly I highly doubt he met someone, he is majoring in a field that is mostly men, and was never ever the type to do that, Ive know him for many years before this, we were friends for a long time.

I am just giving him his space to sort out everything, but like you said, I wont wallow in my own self pity, I have a strong sense of self as I have been through worse, but its hard to feel complete when you are missing the person who made you feel so young, loved, and beautiful for so long.

Thanks for your support I appreciate it, I am not looking forward to the I told you so's from our families, and of course being the older one I am sure I will get the blame for the heartache....

And I am sure if this is the end that I will rethink the young man situation... not sure I will date for a long time.

His abrupt ending, and his subsequent blocking you on AIM (and taking the ring) tells me that he is completely over it, and that there may be someone else at night school.

I'm afraid this was also the first thing I thought, when I read how he was acting, totally blocking you out.

I really do feel for you, I know how bad it feels when a relationship ends, especially so abruptly and harshly - but for your own good, you do need to accept that it is over and move on, put yourself first.

It might feel like the end of the world now, but this is the first step towards getting your old self back again. It will happen, I promise.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I know you're hurting. You said that you have made plans but are not thrilled to go out with your girlfriends. Most people would tell you that this is the healthy thing to do. Me, I like to cocoon up for a bit. Key to this is unplugging the phone for a few days (and blocking him on AIM in your case). The reason is that you don't have to hear the phone "not ringing"-- for me, it makes me feel more in control of the situation. The cool thing is, while my "cocooning" usually starts with some wallowing under my favorite blanket, it always ends up with me getting involved in home projects and fun "time for myself" things that I usually neglect with my busy work schedule. I end up re-energized and it allows me to put things into perspective. Anyway, that's just me-- for some people it is very important to be around and be supported by other people during times like this.

We have to tell ourselves over and over again, even when we're hurting from something like this, that we deserve a partner who wants to be with us. We also deserve a partner who has no hesitation about it. Think carefully about that last part if he comes back around.

Hang in there.

Sounds like he took you for a ride. The problem with ow ym r's is that the men get put in the cakewalk seat, they rise in status and maturity and security and realize that and move on it.

I am pondering starting a ow ym rel but I am already thinking in terms of what might happen. I don;t mind putting him thru some school, but things better stay great or he's on his own.

Women can write their own rules. Why are you numb? remember the godd times. men don;t solve all problems or white out the future in a red velvet satin covered magical box.

What you need to do is decide if you are going to let this guy affect your relationship policy going forward. he is on a different road, and the relationship karma is a bizzle. It will come back on him and he will have nobody to blame but himself.

Actually, I'm a little down on men right now and my real inclination is to ship them all to Antarctica where the weather matches their hearts.:mad:

Ha! I laughed out loud at that one!

Men can be cruel and cutoff. The fact that he hasn't told the families about the break-up only suggests to me that he's a wimp and doesn't want a guilt trip during the holidays. Nice and selfish.

Do I think he's cheating? Not necessarily. But I do believe he has envisioned a life that doesn't involve you. And he wants some time to explore that.

Honestly, he's left you no choice but to fake it until you feel okay. But, when he comes crawling back (which he will), be sure to remember how selfish he was about his feelings and use great caution in deciding to take him back. It hurts even more to be made a fool over and over again.

I don;t mind putting him thru some school,

thinkinghard....I hope you don't mean by this that you are considering paying for schooling or in some other monetary way putting a ym through school unless you are married to him!!!! :eek: That is an absolute no-no in OW/YM relationships and will cause great heartache and resentment should the relationship end. Heck, it can LEAD to resentment and CAUSE a breakup. Best to let the ym make their own way and gain full autonomy in order to have a true adult-relationship.

just an interjection...didn't mean it to be a hijack.

I hope things are a bit better for you, lam25....