Reality Check or Reality S*CKS!

Just when you think that your life is like that of a fairy tale, reality of the age gap and life slaps you in the face. In less than a month I will be in Beograd living a life I have been dreaming of and have could only have been in a book, but now with a totally different perspective. I have decided that when I return after these upcoming six months, they will be the last for Nikola and me and more than likely any more future trips to Serbia. Within a few months, I have begun to have some health issues that will not go away (and are far from being fatal...just deterioative to the body) which have been confirmed due to my age it seems. Even though I love Nikola with all of my heart, I feel like I will have to let him go as I do not want to become a burden to him in many ways. But I do not even know how/when to broach this subject as to be honest, I do not want to ruin our time together. BUT I am sure he will notice the change in my physical appearance and my health in regards to what I can and cannot do when we are together. I just do not know if I should "forewarn him" or see if he says anything or confess when the time comes when I am there.:( But besides all of this, I have been contemplating my life here and maybe what I need to do to "get my house in order" (literally and figuratively) after a dear friend of mine who was my age died last week. I need to begin to focus on living with the goals of getting my bills paid before I retire in four years so my children would not be saddled with my debt and have to sell the house to do so if something happened to me. Funny but up until a few months ago, before all of this happened, I had been thinking just like my students, that I would live forever and treated life in that manner. I guess no one knows what will happen around that corner! Sigh...

Just when you think that your life is like that of a fairy tale, reality of the age gap and life slaps you in the face. In less than a month I will be in Beograd living a life I have been dreaming of and have could only have been in a book, but now with a totally different perspective. I have decided that when I return after these upcoming six months, they will be the last for Nikola and me and more than likely any more future trips to Serbia. Within a few months, I have begun to have some health issues that will not go away (and are far from being fatal...just deterioative to the body) which have been confirmed due to my age it seems. Even though I love Nikola with all of my heart, I feel like I will have to let him go as I do not want to become a burden to him in many ways. But I do not even know how/when to broach this subject as to be honest, I do not want to ruin our time together. BUT I am sure he will notice the change in my physical appearance and my health in regards to what I can and cannot do when we are together. I just do not know if I should "forewarn him" or see if he says anything or confess when the time comes when I am there.:( But besides all of this, I have been contemplating my life here and maybe what I need to do to "get my house in order" (literally and figuratively) after a dear friend of mine who was my age died last week. I need to begin to focus on living with the goals of getting my bills paid before I retire in four years so my children would not be saddled with my debt and have to sell the house to do so if something happened to me. Funny but up until a few months ago, before all of this happened, I had been thinking just like my students, that I would live forever and treated life in that manner. I guess no one knows what will happen around that corner! Sigh...

I understand what you mean, as one who has often had to "get his house in order" (literally and figuratively) due to nearly dying on several counts. I can't for the life of me give the best advice, but if I were to approach it (and again, I'm not in your position), I would tell him the problem and see what HE wants to do. Sometimes, there's nothing us guys like better than to stick through it with the ones we love. If it were me, I wouldn't take no for an answer . . . I believe in sticking through thick and thin.

What health issues are you talking about exactly? And why would they be an impediment?

You don't have to answer the questions. Just thought I'd ask because I really do wish for the best.

Sincerely,
Derek

I'm 30 years old. For five years I have suffered from a chronic medical condition which causes severe pain, fatigue and infertility. I am sometimes bedridden and I often don't have the energy to do the things other people of my age can do.

I've often thought that I shouldn't be putting my 19 year old boyfriend through this, why would he want to be with someone who has so many health issues and restrictions, who sometimes needs looking after, and who will never give him children.

But he loves me, through thick and thin, and he would be so very hurt if I made the decision for him and pushed him away.

Illness and incapacity of any extent are not necessarily age related. I understand how you feel, at the moment everything that is going on is obviously hitting you very hard and it's entirely natural that you are feeling the way you feel now. Losing a friend your age can make you realise your own mortality and losing your health makes you realise that your body isn't so youthful any more.

You may want to talk this through with Nikola, but for him as well as you, don't make it a fait accompli. He may feel that he wants to be with you in sickness and in health and be terribly hurt that you are pushing him away at a time that he may wish to support you.

Love's supposed to be for better and for worse.


If he really loves you, he won't want to leave.


A partner of ANY age can get sick. Still, I don't believe that's enough reason to split.

i understand how suicide feels, i would feel the same and have felt these thoughts when i had may own health scare and i was married at the time.

fact is that ultimately all any of us have is today, there are no guarantee's and as much as i would not have left my husband if he had been injured or disfigured because of this war, i learned i had to give him the same right.

wishing you all good health, truly with our health we have it all!

suicideblonde... *H* now that given to you, you two discuss the issues, and you let him make his conclusion.

You just went through the pain of having a friend die. When that happens we think about our own mortality and frailty. I do not think that you should decide now if you are going to end the relationship.

I think I understood you will be spending 6 months in Serbia?

Like others have said, this should not be a unilateral decision, talk to him before deciding.

SB,

Your relationship with your man is a partnership and, as the others have said, the partners have to decide how they wish to proceed when something like health issues come up.

Don't shortchange him. Give him the chance to be there for you and with you, and live it one day at a time.

We are all going to age if we are lucky. Take your worries and fears and put that energy behind managing your health issues.

Best,
Bub

Suicideblonde,
HONEY, I'm with you on the not wanting to be a burden to my ym at sometime in the future...and in our 50's, as we are, the potential of that is so much more of an issue. Just today, as I kissed J goodbye after his lunchbreak, I pulled up that thing attached to his sweatshirt that covers his head...for the LIFE of me I couldn't think of the word "hood". He laughed; but I was thinking> I'm probably in the early stages of Alzheimers !!! Common occurence in your late 40's, 50's and beyond....that's when the reality of aging starts to present itself...darn.

But, I agree with everyone else...your bf needs to be a part of the decision to stay or go. I say, a week or so after you arrive in Serbia, tell him that you need to talk about some real important stuff that won't leave your head lately. Then, have that honest, heart-to-heart. Invite his input and questions, etc. Tell him not to make a decision for a while or tell you his decision until he feels confident it is the right one for him ( I would insist on a week or more, but that's just me). When he tells you his decision to be or not to be in your life in the future, you will have your answer, and feel better about how you two reached it together.

If he decides to let you go, it WILL suck....but you will feel that noble sense that you gave him the choice and the freedom rather than clinging/keeping him in the dark about your health issues, etc. just to trick him into being with you. Bless him and wish him well in his journey without you, knowing that the journey up to that point was enchanting and authentic.

If he decides to stay, you will feel more secure in his love for you, and know his character a bit better. Your relationship will only grow better as a result of his unconditional commitment in thick or thin

Neither decision is bad, or "less right"....but it will be his for his life where he is now.

Hard stuff...don't lose heart, hon....do let us know what the health issues are (we may be able to encourage you with personal knowledge of their "do-ability")...if you don't feel good divulging that publicly, pm me and let me know if you feel okay with that, ok?
Hugs,
Karen

No matter what the issue is he has a right to know and have a say in this relationship that you are both supposed to be "equally" invested in. In you making his decision for him you are mothering him and not treating him as your lover.

Now when you chose to tell him is up to you. I feel that telling him in person will allow you both to share a level of intimacy you may need to comfort each other that can't be had over the phone/internet.

But please give him credit for being able to decide what's too much for him. Sounds like he has a great and understanding woman and she should trust that she has a great and understanding guy.

Maybe during this 6 month visit, you can decide if the time has come to make a more serious commitment (due to the fact you may be unable to travel). Would him moving to the US be an option either of you would be willing to explore?

As women I don't know why, but medical issues really make us suddenly feel like burdens and no longer sexy. My sister became wheelchair bound at 43. It was like the minute she was in a wheelchair she lost all value of herself. As I said to her and I'm now saying to you, no matter what your medical issues are that does not devalue what a beautiful and vibrant woman you are. It just changes the way you do things. Change can be good, especially one that brings the value of life to the forefront. Don't stop enjoying life now that value of it has been brought to your attention.

Another thread said to the OW do not tell a YM that he can not love you. Summed up he felt that it was a selfish and hurtful thing to do. A YM can not control his age any more than you can control yours. And that it is the most painful hurt to want to love someone who won't let you love them. His words really touched me and I hope you can find some meaning in them too.

(((hugs))) This isn't the time to give up on your dream. It's just time for a bit of a revision!

Linda, first of all, I'm sorry you are having health issues. :(

Second, I wanted to say ditto to those who have said that you should discuss this with Nikola and make the decision together. Even though you have good intentions, you can't make a decision for him. Plus, I bet that you wouldn't like it if Nikola made decisions about your relationship without discussing it with you first.

So, consider discussing it with him first so that he doesn't feel left out of the decision making process at least.


(((( hugs ))))

Linda, first, I'm sorry that you're having health problems, and feeling the mortality bite.

Please don't make the decision for him. We preach that over and over. He's an adult, not a child. He has the right to decide what's best for him. Now if you want to break up with him because you don't feel like he's a lifetime commitment for you, that's a whole different thing.

Wait till you're there before you make any decision.

Best thoughts for you.

And yes, I can see that he needs to be a part of this decision...and yes we have said this before as it is not really being fair to him. However, I guess I was just thinking that my circumstances are a bit different from most who are in committed relationships since he lives SOOO far away and there is really no way he could come here to be with me. I then added into my thought process that I would not have medical insurance over there, as well as this country is not exactly up to date and as efficient as far as the medical profession and/or equipment is concerned compared to the USA, plus the fact of all the money it takes for me to go there! Hence the question that has become my mantra came to my head: "TO what purpose then" would it be to even try to remain a couple when I could not afford to return or even think of living there? Can you see what I mean? The odds are like 99% NOT in our favor! But...It is funny in a weird way, that over the summer a psychic had told me that Nikola and I had been together in a former life, however, we had some "unfinished business to do" and that is why we met up again now...but how long this "business" would take to complete she did not know; however, she did feel like this was not a "forever" match. I cannot go into details of course, but we have both helped each other out in so many ways since we have met (or reconnected?? :D ) that I am beginning to wonder if she is more right than not! It is almost uncanny. (and nooooo part of my problem is NOT that I am off my rocker! :D )But with all of that said, I will discuss all of this with him when I am there (hopefully now still in 3 weeks!) but more toward the end of my 6 month stay as I want to make as many memories as I possibly can. PLUS, who knows too... miracles DO happen!

But finally about my health, like I said, it is not life threatening at all at this point in time. Plus I need more tests so we shall see! I just may have jumped the gun abit here too, as up until now I have never been ill or had any aches and pains and with my friend dying, I may have FREAKED out abit! But thank you all for the kind words.

PS Karen... a study was done on women over 50 and their memories, and besides our minds being "overloaded" at this age, it was noted that we are not necessarily "losing our minds" nor even coming close to Alzheimer's when we forget words like hood. It was concluded that we just tend to forget NOUNS first! I'd say that was pretty interesting in itself... now where did I put those things ; you know, what opens car doors?? I need to go to the store!:p

HUGS to all!

I'm sorry about your health issues...whatever they may be...and about your friend's passing. But my question is this...what if your BF were the same age as you or older? Would you feel the need to "unburden" the same way you feel this with your much younger BF? Is it fair to assume that your BF will benefit emotionally and psychologically by you ending it because you assume you will be a burden to him? Of course there are practical issues to consider in any relationship whenever possible health issues come into play...but I agree with some of the other that this should not simply be your decision to end it.

I have a YM friend with whom I have recently begun getting re-acquainted due to an injury he sustained. He is 20 years younger than me...and while the injury was not fatal and he didn't lose any limbs...it had caused him to be immobile for a while and required surgery, recovery, and now physical therapy for several months. Right after the injury, he suddenly became very distant and practically stopped communicating with me. I was very hurt and upset by this. He had never been like that before and he seemed almost a different person overnight. He wouldn't talk to me about it so I thought it was me. People even advised me that he "just wasn't that into me" and so I believed it for a while. Eventually, I learned that he just did not want to burden his problems onto me. He has returned now that he has had his surgery and is mobile and getting his normal routine back in place. However, his "decision" to cut me off for about two months without any discussion with me...really, really hurt me. Is that what you want to do to your BF?

I feel you should discuss your health issues with your BF and share you concerns about how it will affect the relationship. But do not assume that breaking up is what is best for both of you. Isn't it a bit of a double-standard to assume you have a right to make this decision for the both of you? Would you feel that way if he weren't so much younger?

Rosebud, yes I will talk this over with Nikola, yet in my heart I still feel at a loss due to the distance. And to answer your question, I DO think I would have come to the same conclusion if he had been older due to that same factor. I mean, how can one even think of maintaining a LDR relationship if you will never be physically together again????? TO what purpose would that serve either of us??

thank God life does not go according to our expectations, as far as the fortune teller thingy, you are setting in motion the outcome of your relationship. you have already in a cellular way predicted the outcome.

the thing is that relationships dont have to go away, they can change but very infrequently do we meet people who change our minds and our hearts in a deep way.

i think of it like this, all of us are spiritual beings having earthly experiences, the soul does not have an age, i think there are no truer words than "what God brings together, let no man put asunder". kinda like saying God does not see age.

your health issue sounds very handleable, unless you tell us more this sounds like something you can handle, i have bouts of asthma that has nothing to do with age and it does effect my daily life sometimes.

knowing someone who dies is untimately traumatic, it only goes to show and tell us that today is what counts.

i will miss you when you leave but sincerely hope that you have a wonderful time. best best wishes.

I suspect SB you are in Serbia now and reading this thread did sadden me. I send you blessings and if anyone knows how she is doing, please share. Most likely she is having loads of fun & happiness!

Please tell/send her my best wishes. :D

God Bless. RaVen Mags...

Funny, I was just thinking about her.....hope she is doing well and is safe and healthy and happy.

and i also was just thinking/wondering how everything is...

That Nikola, he is one lucky dude!:D

I can't believe it, I was thinking about her today.... Wowowowowow ESP of some kind!

My dear if you read this, I hope you are having a great time and keeping WARM in more ways than one! :D