More thoughts on the biological clock and having babies and all that stuff

I've recently realized that there is actually a reason that at 33 I have yet to have any children... I'm not super-into the whole idea. I am in theory, but when it comes to the thought of cleaning up after a screaming baby or whatever, I feel enormously grateful that I don't have to deal with that.

This is nothing against those who choose to have children.

Are there any women here who have decided to never have kids, or who don't have kids and are not sure if they want any, or who never had any and can no longer have any?

Hi Pink,
I don't meet any of those categories, as I think you know, but I did want to ask you... are you receiving some kind of pressure to reproduce?

Hi Pink,
I don't meet any of those categories, as I think you know, but I did want to ask you... are you receiving some kind of pressure to reproduce?

Not particularly, other than some random comments from people (but you can't stop those, and I'm not really all that concerned about what they think)...

Although being 33 and unmarried always makes a gal feel pressured...

This is weird, but although I don't really wanna raise kids (but know that I could if I had to and that I'd probably love it and do a bang-up job), I do like the idea of passing on my genes.

So it sounds like your biological clock is ticking, but not loudly enough to make you answer it?

I do not think that everyone has to or should have children. It is a personal decision and doesn't make someone selfish or unfullfilled.

/edited to add: probably makes you richer with more free time to your self and a lot of traveling experiences and a really super cool aunt ;)

So it sounds like your biological clock is ticking, but not loudly enough to make you answer it?

I do not think that everyone has to or should have children. It is a personal decision and doesn't make someone selfish or unfullfilled.

/edited to add: probably makes you richer with more free time to your self and a lot of traveling experiences and a really super cool aunt ;)

Heehee! True. Although I'm an only child... sigh. ;) My boyfriend has a niece and I've been around since she was born 2.5 years ago so I'm sort of her faux-aunt, her "Auntie Em", hehe. That's been really nice, she's cute and fun, but she's one of the many reasons I don't feel super-jazzed about being a parent myself. Seriously, nothing against her or kids in general, but she's really exhausting.

I am the same age as you.

I wonder that as well. I see couple in the mall with kids running around like mad. Going to a friends house and watching them tend to a screaming newborn. Alot of women will look at that and see that is what they want.

Me on the other hand. I see it and think 'my god I am glad that isn't me'.

Many of my aunts remained unmarried with no children, and have felt that they didn't miss out on anything. They travel with all their other single friends all over the world. Even now in their older years.

Some of them regretted the choice, and said if they could do it over again that they would have had 12 children.

Even at this age I can say that I am completely undecided as to whether or not I want kids.

Then again if somebody told me tomorrow I could never have a child I would probobly freak right out.

Maybe the answer comes from knowing yourself and being confident in WHY you don't want children or WHY you do. I have also known alot of people that have had them for reasons that weren't quite 'right' for lack of a better word, and are not that happy with their lives.

For me I could say it is mostly still a selfish choice even at this age. I still want to do MY thing without restraint. Is there anything wrong with that? Hell no to me there isn't.

I HATE that biological clock thing. I wish I didn't feel like time was running out on that choice for me. That being said my mother had me at 42 years old.

I am an only child as well

I'm about to turn 37 in two weeks. I've never wanted kids and I don't want them now but I'm starting to freak out about two things.

1) Soon it will be beyond my control anyway and I will no longer have a choice in the matter.

2) I am afraid that my "golden years" will be lonely. I'm not talking about having kids around specifically, but the "branching process"-- kids, their spouses, friends, spouses families, grandkids, etc... I think about family gatherings and holidays and stuff that I have now-- I am the young one in all of that and eventually I will be the only one. Actually, I have a brother who is 3 years younger, but he has sworn off women and hasn't even had a date in about 8 years. He says that he intends to keep it that way. So, I guess it will just be me and him sittin' around a turkey for two in the future. :)

Nope, I never felt the need to have kids. I am very content with that realization. I don't think it makes me better or worse than anyone else, I just recognize that it's not for me. And I felt an enormous sense of relief when I allowed myself to accept that part of who I am and not feel that there was something wrong with me. I repsect and admire people who choose to have kids or adopt kids, but I also respect and admire people who chose not to...and then don't. There is nothing worse than compromising on such an important decision, one that will have repercussions on everyone invloved and will affect an intimate relationship as well as the children...for the rest of everyone's lives who are involved.

Anyhoo...I am very happy not having kids. I had a hysterectomy at age 34 and am quite happy not having periods either! :p

Pink, Jemma and others: You guys are totally okay to not want to have children!!!

I have two virtually grown sons, but...I waited a long time to get pregnant because I just didn't think I could (or wanted to ) handle parenting. Plus, I selfishly wanted time only for my husband and I, etc.

Kids changed everything, literally. The positives are the unconditional love you feel for them (I think that component expanded me in many ways), and the way they love you back when they are in their "adorable and sweet" eras. Also, the prospect of extended family in the future is nice: having grandkids, etc. when I'm old and gray.

The negatives? Kids can definitely have a HUGELY GINORMOUS negative effect on your relationship with a SO. It's no one's fault, it's just that motherly instinct thing that kicks in and makes you want to focus most (all??) your attention on meeting the needs/wants/desires of those babies...to the exclusion of almost anything else. Then, right when your kids seem to have made it through the tough terrible-twos, and have become "human"....they hit pre adolescence and you want to sell them on eBay !!!

Parenting is NOT for anyone who is not completely conviced that they want to give up 50% of who they are as a sexual, sleep-sufficed, career-oriented, partner-focused, traveling-for-enjoyment woman. Frankly, knowing how hard it is now that I've done it, I wouldn't want to do it again (get pregnant, adopt or whatever)...but that doesn't mean I'm not 100% IN LOVE with my sons, especially now that they have become humans again post-adolescence:D .

Parenting takes a toll. I think there is a lot of room for "healthy selfishness" when considering if you want kids of your own or whatever. Heck, if you ever get the "bug" after your past child bearing age, you can always become a foster parent or adopt an older child that needs love. Sometimes these adoptions breed the MOST grattitude in the child in the end, and they remain closer than biological children as they age into adulthood. And they absolutely offer the extended family perks to you when they marry, etc.

Now, I'm GLAD J doesn't want kids....we can focus on US 100% (and give our love to my grandkids when they come, or as CASA advocates/teachers, aunts, etc.)...we can travel, not worry about finances, play constantly if we want to, concentrate on getting his new career/business up and running, just really enjoy each other. That sounds really good to me now, having been in the other scenario as well. My sons didn't contribute to the breakup of my marriage...yet, in some transitive way, having them was impetus to less communication with my hb, more stress financially, less sex, losing myself as a woman in exchange for being "mom". Noble things to sacrifice for two adorable, dependent little beings that I cherish, yes...but sacrifices that added to the inherent issues that my hb and I faced anyway.

Anyway, I'm one to say:" Whatever makes you happy and you feel best about...be THAT!"

Best,
Karen

Thanks special K. That was reassuring!

Cheers,

j

I see nothing wrong with not wanting children.

I would prefer a woman who knows her limits and desires then one who gets knocked up 5 times by 5 different men because she doesn't know what she wants.

You have a level of maturity I wish could be bottled and sold. Don't let anyone's childish comments change that opinion of you (see if you can can slip them a bit of your maturity instead).

As far as the "clock ticking"....switch to a solar powered one. That'll get rid of that annoying tick.

We are now capable of safely having children into our 40's. There are oversea adoptions and seregate mothers too. Our options are now only limited by our resources. So don't buy into the hype that you couldn't change your mind in a few years.

As for aging alone that's all a matter of choice. My grandmother spent her last 15 years as a widow. Between her bowling league, volunteering, bingo trips, and the senior citizen center I'm sure she was thrilled to go home and get away from everyone. Her and her little dog lived life to the fullest and proved that aging doesn't mean becoming less active (dear goodness I don't think I'm that active now!).

And if for any reason should any of you be lonely I have no problem sending my children your way and reminding you quickly of why you didn't want any! :D

Feel free to continue to enjoy your life with no regrets.

Wow, some great feedback -- I've read all of your responses and taken something from each!

Something interesting... quite often when I say to people, "I am not sure that I want kids" or whatever, their first response is, "Don't worry, that's not selfish". And it leads me to wonder why selfishness enters the equation, why people always say that. To be honest, I'm not really concerned if it is selfish or not. If anything, whatever desires I have to have kids are the only selfish things in the picture for me... me not wanting to miss anything wondering if having kids would be something really great, "wanting it all" or whatever.

Thanks, all!! Keep your responses coming! :D

I had my son when I was 29 and I love being a mom, I crave another child and worry about the old eggs that are probably starting to spoil, the past week has made me think that if the lord intends me to have more children that it will happen and if it doesnt, then I was intended to have only 1 like my mother. It is scary though at 35, I have never been married, and all I ever wanted was to be married and have children, not that I was trying to rush into it with my ym marriage was his idea, but the thought of not having more is hard on me.

I have friends who completely enjoy their nieces and nephews and have no desire to have children of their, I think everyone is wired a certain way, and there is nothing wrong with wanting or not wanting children.

It's a very personal decision, really.

I reproduced without even making a decision. I was 18 and married, I got pregnant. It was what one did then. I can honestly say that having kids was the biggest stressor we had. Every time I got pregnant after the first, which I did in spite of contraception, he stopped speaking to me, and acted as though it was some form of immaculate conception I'd managed only to spite him. The sad thing is, for his second wife, she'd never been pregnant, had badly blocked tubes, and she got pregnant when she was 40. Turned out to be a tubal, and required surgery. The sad thing is, even though she was thrilled to be pregnant, he treated her the same way as he'd treated me. Some people just shouldn't parent for very obvious reasons.

Some people yearn for a child, some don't. Some people think they don't want a child, and are dumbfounded by the emotion when they have them. Some people think they want kids, and never manage to even bond. That's the absolute worst.

You do what's right for you.

I have a good friend who's a lesbian. She worked through this over the last couple of years. Her partner wanted a baby badly. They have good friends who have just had a baby, and asked them to be guardians if anything would happen to them. R had to really question whether she even would be ok with that, as B, her life partner, really talked hard to try to get her to ok it. R finally decided that if that would happen they would parent, but that she wouldn't be ok with actively persuing parenthood. That would be the hardest, when one partner really wants children, and one partner REALLY doesn't. They've decided to be the best darn godparents ever, and if ever needed, would come through. I have a feeling that B will be spoiling that baby to death. She'd have been a kick butt mama. But they have societal pressures to add to that decision.

Me, I'm a sucker for babies and kids, I love mine, I love my nieces and nephews, I love the kids I've done home care for. I'd take my grandbabies in a heartbeat if anything happened to their parents. But I'm also ready for my 12 year old to keep getting older. I mourned for my older kids as they grew up, wishing I had my babies, I think I'm finally past that. David absolutely doesn't want kids of his own. We, well I, discussed fostering, but he's not even for that. He loves my daughter, loves the grandbabies, but he's ready for them to go home when it's time. That's a lucky thing for our relationship, that he's so sure of that, since babies ain't happening here.

Something interesting... quite often when I say to people, "I am not sure that I want kids" or whatever, their first response is, "Don't worry, that's not selfish". And it leads me to wonder why selfishness enters the equation, why people always say that.

The reason I said it (can't answer for others) is because I have friends who have made a choice not to have children say that they were told not having children is selfish. I don't think it is a selfish choice at all... just a choice.

edited to add/
I would like to add that being a parent has been the most rewarding experience of my life. It has also been the most difficult experience of my life. It is maximum responsibility and often minimum appreciation.... never being alone and being all alone.

Hi Pink,

I have two daughters, both grown, and no granchildren. Neither one of my daughters is married and the oldest is 30 years old.

Both of my daughters were tremendously difficult as teenagers and did things (short of drugs, having babies and jail) that put a tremendous toll on my husband and myself. We had a marriage that was struggling to get by and the constant pressure they put on the family was a contributing factor to our divorce after 35 years of marriage. Of course they didn't cause the final split, but disagreements on how to handle things, continual problems, put more fuel on the fire than we could handle.

Both my ex husband and I feel that if we didn't have children that we would probably still be married today.

Things have settled down with the girls and they are in better places, thank goodness. But know that you can do all the right things with "kids" and do your best to coach them into being happy, self-reliant and successful and not always have a positive outcome.

Having children in this day and age is not for the faint of heart. You need to go into it with selfless expectations and know that anything you might get back from them (emotionally speaking) could very well be a bonus. There are more than a few of us that feel rather empty handed at times after doing a pretty bang up job of raising those kids.

Pink..
I just read this book called, Healthy Selfishness which defines two forms of caring for oneself first....the good kind of selfishness that is healthy because it respects your strengths/weaknesses, needs, etc. to make sure that you are authentic and filled up so that you CAN be happiest and able to give out more to others....and, well, the other kind that is what we usually think of when we hear the word "selfish".

I think a decision to be a parent or not is a decision to be made in the healthy selfishness realm. We know our strengths and weaknesses, we know what would most likely bring us happiness....our needs, wants and desires. The MOST giving, caring, altruistic friend I have is married, without children by choice. Her healthy selfishness in her decision was based on all things that would be best for HER and her hb. I wish more people would be so discerning. Goodness knows there are WAY too many mindless parents out there that deliver serial murderers and other convicts into our communities because they were not ready to parent or even gave it a second thought once the baby was born.

Look at Oprah....man, that woman has done so much for the world, for children and others. She has the time and resources, I believe, partly BECAUSE she doesn't have children. Love that woman...

Good book, you should pick it up...It's really good for those of us who have a hard time saying no in any realm.

Hi Em,

I'll add to the list of respondents here who was never interested in having kids. Neither my honey nor my ex-h are/were either. I always thought that it would make sense to have a partner who was as clear on the issue as I am.

I'm sure not an only myself...I am the oldest of six, but just like you, seeing kid stuff up close -- lots of it, for 17 years of my life, along with related financial adversity and abuse -- removed the possibility of idealizing anything about it.

(Heck, I barely ever played with "baby" dolls, no matter how many my mom gave me. It's kinda funny...the ONLY ones I ever liked at all had some kind of technological thing about them that made them interesting for a bit. But I digress.)

Since I have 5 other brothers and sisters, there will be plenty of grandkids for my mom anyway - there are 4 of them now. I too say that being alone/lonely in later life is a choice, and neither does having kids guarantee the opposite.

Whatever you choose, choose what's best for you!

The reason I said it (can't answer for others) is because I have friends who have made a choice not to have children say that they were told not having children is selfish. I don't think it is a selfish choice at all... just a choice.

Definitely, people do get told that. Which I find very mysterious... but a lot of things puzzle me in this world, so this feeling is nothing new, haha! :D


edited to add/
I would like to add that being a parent has been the most rewarding experience of my life. It has also been the most difficult experience of my life. It is maximum responsibility and often minimum appreciation.... never being alone and being all alone.

I believe it. And this feeling of the rewarding experience is what I'm afraid of missing... sigh. It's so complex...

:D

It sure is!

(Heck, I barely ever played with "baby" dolls, no matter how many my mom gave me. It's kinda funny...the ONLY ones I ever liked at all had some kind of technological thing about them that made them interesting for a bit. But I digress.)


I barely played with "baby" dolls either, although I thought it was neat when my friends had them with all the gear, the tiny baby bottles and the chair swing and the tiny diapers... but something about actually playing with them bored me super-quickly. I had Cabbage Patch Kids, as most girls (and some boys) of my generation did, and I liked them, but I didn't actually play with them much.

I did enjoy playing with Barbies and making them do naughty things with the Kens, though. That was fun.

PSST.......Pink...........

My Barbies cheated on Ken with my little brother's GI Joes. They were 12" tall then.

Don't tell anyone though.

My cousin and I knew "where" things went, but not "how". Cracks me up when I think of how we had the mechanics figured out.

I'm 30 and I've never been fussed about children. I was like that when I was younger, and everyone told me that I would "grow out of it". Surprise surprise, I haven't.

It's just as well, though, since it's more than likely that I medically can't have them anyway.

I can't deny that I hated that the choice was taken away from me, but I guess that I'd rather that happened to someone like me - who isn't overly maternal - than someone who dreamed of having children.

It's not an issue for Andrew yet but one day I guess it could be.

Pink ~ I am not in the same situation but sort of in the "opposite" situation... Hmmm let me explain.

I have 3 children and like Bella I had them very young, no planning involved, sadly. My bf has no children and his mother has made a few comments about this concerning our AG. She says that the only thing that she worries about is that her son won't be able to have children with me of his own. He tells her that he does not want children of his own but I have felt some pressure on her end. I tell her that I am still young enough to have children should he change his mind in the next 6 years.

I would have another child for my bf if he wanted it and we were married. But, I don't really want to do it all over again after 40 so there is a bit of a "timer" ticking in my head now as well.

I have a few friends that have opted to not have any children and they seem perfectly happy with their decisions. I think it is a very personal choice and one that you (and I) should be able to make without outside pressure/comments from others.

Best wishes, *hugz*

PSST.......Pink...........

My Barbies cheated on Ken with my little brother's GI Joes. They were 12" tall then.

Don't tell anyone though.

My cousin and I knew "where" things went, but not "how". Cracks me up when I think of how we had the mechanics figured out.

LOL!! Your Barbies were out of control. Too funny! Oh, I used to wonder how everything went where it did too. eek... it's a wonder I ever figured it out, I was so clueless. I remember the day someone explained erections to me, and that really cleared up a few questions. I kept having visions similar to shoving a wet noodle into an electrical socket...

I know I'm young (23), but I have made the decision not to have children someday. I have health conditions (thyroid disease, ADHD, anxiety problems, asthma, etc), will be six digits in dept come the yeear 2010 (good old student loans), and well I don't have the patience or desire to have kids.

I had a really hard time accepting my decision but the book: Why Don't You Have Kids ? by Leslie Lafayette really made me feel at peace with my decision.

My OM (39) has no children and does not want children either so if we get married someday everything will be ok in that department.

Mary Ann

Im just turning 36 and although I really want kids badly, Im not freaking out.
In my family there's been a history of getting pregnant around 40, so I hope that helps me out.
I'm more interested in being in a really good relationship with a guy who is open to having kids.
If I get pregnant at some point awesome, if it doesnt work out Ill adopt.
Not going to stress either way.

Hi Pink,

Believe it or not, in spite of recent events, I am NOT the "mommy" type.

Thought I was, but once I had kids, um....nope.

Definitely not into mini vans, soccer games or Baby Gap.

I was like Goldie with dolls - I liked them if they talked or ate or something - but always said I wanted to get married & have kids. I realized later that I just wanted to get married. HATED other people's children. I couldn't stand babysitting.

That all being said, I wouldn't change a thing & I don't regret having them. So my kids have a bit of an unconventional mother! No making crafts or Saturday baking cookies. But I enjoy spending time with them, teaching them to question the world and keep an open mind. Being painfully frank with them, LOL.

Heck, I just had another one! LOL!

I do love knowing that I won't be forgotten. That some part of me will go on.

I'm glad I got to be pregnant, give birth and nurse - something my body was MADE to do. I couldn't imagine never being able to experience a huge part of my physical being. I mean - a man would never even have that chance, you know? It'd be like going through life and never opening your eyes to use them.
Like having working legs but choosing never to use them....

Does that make sense?

Finally, EVERYTHING seems worth it - the crying, poopie diapers, sleepless nights, broken furniture, less nightlife - every time you walk in the room and your crying baby snuggles happily into the side of your neck or you see her face light up in a trusting smile, filled with love.

Or your 5 year old runs up to you after work, wraps her arms around your legs and says, "I missed you Mommy!"

Or you 13 year old son recalls how you used to say "Love you, lots & lots, for ever & ever, see you tomorrow!" every night and then sends you a text message from his bedroom that night saying, "love you lots and lots."

Or seeing your 16 year old son growing up to be 6' tall, staying with his dying grandfather, to help his grandmother care for him. Smiling as he sends you a text pic of his new girlfriend.

Makes something like sitting here typing with one hand, because I'm holding a sleeping baby with my other, seem like so little to ask.

Sure, I could be typing with two hands right now - it'd be a lot easier - if I didn't have a baby.

But I wouldn't have as much to talk about. And I wouldn't have this ridiculous smile on my face, thinking about all I have to look forward to with her.

It's a lot of work. But isn't anything worth anything a lot of work?

Anyhow, I guess my point is, you don't have to be a soccer mom-type to be a mother. You just be your self.

Maybe you won't have 2.5 kids and live a suburbian life.

Have one kid and live in a loft in the warehouse district! Your kid won't care, so long as she has you. Kids with unconventional parents seem to turn out pretty cool!

OTH - if you decide you don't want kids, like the others said - that is personal and no one should judge you for it! (I think the "selfish" point of view comes from out-dated views that a womam's place is in the home or religious views that god said we should pro-create. NOT my point of view, for cetain!)

Loved the post Kristin.

Well, I am the mommy type, and I do have children.

However, am I selfish to say I find this thread very reassuring? My b/f decided that he did not want biological children. I always wondered if down the line he will change his mind or regret it. And I guess he still might, but it is reassuring to me to see a group of people who decided not to have children of their own and are FINE with that decision later on down the line.

J didn't really forgo having children BECAUSE of me, but after helping raise my children for a while (they are 12 and 15 now), he just is not interested in having one of his own any longer.

Says a whole heck of a lot for my kids, huh? LOL