Parent Woes

hi all,

this is actually my first post to the forum, but ive been enjoying all that im reading. i was hoping to solicit some feedback about an issue im having. ive been dating my partner (18 yrs older) for a year and a half. i told my parents about our relationship 10 months ago. they refuse to acknowledge it exists. they feel uncomfortable because she is older and has children from a previous marriage. its a long story and i dont want to get into all the details, but basically, they say they want to have a relationship with me but never see having a relationship with her. this is VERY difficult for me. and i am hoping this is just their initial reaction...and perhaps they will come around over time. so my question is have any of you experienced this before? and if so, did they come around? how did you handle it? how did you handle how it affected your partner? would love some advice or hearing about your experiences....

lt

i moved your thread to the relationship support forum of our ow/ym section in the hopes of gaining you the max amount of positive feedback from the members here.

parents may or may not come around, ya know. you have to decide, if they don't, is your relationship worth that. some say 'yes' some say 'no'.

and what are your ages? 18 years older but older than what? lol

it'll give the members more to work with the more info you can give us.

good luck!

Tracy
Moderator

Sorry I didnt put it there before. I am a YW and she is an OW so I didnt feel comfortable limiting myself to one group. I am 26 and she is 44. We have known each other for 4 yrs total. Hope this helps!

Hi Super and welcome!

Is your parent's opposition around her age and children?

That is what they say. But I have a feeling it has to do with my choice in gender. Ive tried to broach that subject with them in of itself, but they state they will not support me in that while i am dating her....and that if it was someone my own age they wouldnt have this problem. i dont think this is the case at all. but this is what they are saying. So over time, as they get more comfortable with who I am, perhaps they will be more understanding. Our relationship also began before she was legally divorced, so that have issues with that. Its alot I realize for them to wrap their minds around. But at the same time, this is my life and my choices, and I would like for them to respect them....I realize they wouldnt do things the same way. But again, it is my life, and I really want them to be a part of it.

I don't know your folks at all :D so whatever you think is probably true, but I will tell you that it is *not* uncommon around here to find the parents (particularly the parents of the younger partner) to be less than enthusiastic (*cough* I'm putting that mildly).

I like the way you are couching your feelings above about your relationship and your desire to have your parents acceptance and support. We all want this for our age gap relationships and it is often elusive in the beginning. I must admit 10 months for them to live with this is getting on in time. I assume you have told them, as eloquently as you have put it here, how you feel and that they aren't warming up. I would continue to reach out to them as long as they are polite to you and insist on their including and being polite to your OW as well.

Ultimately their stand is their loss... you have to live your life for you... not for them.

Ok, so you are gay and they won't support you being in a gay relationship because you are not dating someone your own age?

It is an interesting point of view, to be sure. I would suspect your parents say that because with your partner being older, she is somehow influencing your "choice" to be gay. You are too young to know what you might want and blah blah.

Some parents can never wrap their mind around the fact that being gay is not a choice and just choose not to accept that their child is gay. I know my daughter's girlfriends parents refuse to accept that she is gay. Wait till they find out that their daughter believes she is transgendered!

Do they really know/accept that you are gay? Or are they using your SO as the excuse for the reason you have become gay all of a sudden so to speak?

You bring up some good points. I had talked about questioning my sexuality in college, but this is my first full blown relationship. So I think that has alot to do with it. But it is sort of couched in the "she's older, children, etc" bit. So its alot of issues rolled into one. I appreciate you sharing with me about your daughter's experience. It really feels good knowing I can talk here, given that I dont fit the mold exactly. So thanks...

It really feels good knowing I can talk here, given that I dont fit the mold exactly

superteetlig...ya wanna know what's really great about this community???? None of us fits the mold, if conventionality is the measurment !!:D
Soooooo, welcome to the family, honey!

It sounds like your parents may just have alot to juggle mentally (your sexuality, dating with a large age dif., dating someone with kids, etc.) right now, and I have a feeling that they will come around with time, if your relationship continues long term. I'm SURE that they love you and just want you -at your young age- to be as happy as possible; in their minds, the may think that can only happen with someone closer in age or whatever. Give it time. Continue to talk about your OW with respect and love to them. I would say to plug along...rather than demand they accept her, or give up too soon.

In my case, it was my eldest son (19 now) who had the hard time with me loving someone who was not in my age range. He was cordial to my bf, but that's about it. It took him about 2.5 years to see that J wasn't going away in my life, and that he truly was a genuine, kind man with good intentions with me. Now, my son jokes with J, has real conversations with him, and seems fine with it all.

I wish you the best! And once again, welcome!
Karen

I have two daughters, both are bi-sexual although married to males. My sister is gay as are three of my nieces. I was in an 18-year age gap so I believe I can speak to both of your issues. First, the parents dealing with having a gay daughter: It took my mother several years to accept that my baby sister was gay. She of course blamed it on her lover who was just a few years older, but, she had been my sister's teacher in an all-girls' Catholic high school. She never did accept her. That relationship lasted a couple of years. The following relationship has turned out to be a life-long relationship and it took my mother probably another couple of years to accept my sister's partner, but, she finally did. Now, my mother is totally supportive of my sister and expresses sorrow when she hears about parents who cannot accept that their children are gay. You need to educate your mom. Hopefully, she'll be willing to listen and understand. As far as the 18-year gap goes, that takes time, too. In my own situation, the mother and sister of my ym were very upset. His father, bless his heart, welcomed me immediately. My ym made it clear to his mother that although he would visit her without me individually, he would not attend family-get-togethers without my being invited. His mother did not hesitate to invite me. I knew she wasn't thrilled about me, but she was very gracious and I couldn't pick up on any hostility, although I could with his sister. It took his sister about 5 years before I felt her acceptance. Now, I think she genuinely likes me. It just takes time sometimes. Parents do not want their children to be subject to any kind of social abuse that occurs from an alternative lifestyle. Be understanding that your mom loves you and is afraid of you getting hurt by those who do not accept who you are. Reassure her. Let her see that your partner is good for you and that you are happier than you have ever been. You might try inviting your mom out to a restaurant for dinner with just her, you and your partner. Giver her a chance to get to know her without anyone else around. I'm bettin' that your father will have less of a problem with accepting the situation, so, when mom comes around, so will dad. When your mom objects to something, always validate that you understand how she feels, but then ask her to understand how you feel. Of course, your partner should try to reach out to her as well. Best wishes,

You know, I guess I never thought about this, but we do not have a same-sex AG forum. I am sure there are plenty of other people in your shoes. It might be nice to add a forum for this. The same way we added LDR etc.

I'm sorry your parents are not supporting your choices but I do wonder if they are using the AG as an excuse also as bubblebee suggested. My mother accepted my AG but I know that she is a devout republican and has strong views opposing same-sex relationships. I think if I had approached her with both at the same time, she may have objected to the AG as an "easy way out" rather then addressing my sexual preference.

I wish I had more advice but my thoughts and prayers are with you. Hopefully, they will come around and accept your relationship. It isn't fair that anyone should lose family when attempting to complete their own families. Hang in there though, many AG/SS relationships face scrutiny in the beginning, things do have a way of working out in the end though. Stay strong and do what is right for yourself, your partner and her children.

*hugz*

:D Im going through the same thing ..my man is 19 im 41..im older then his mom by one year... he came out told his parents about us..his mom had a fit..but he told her basically this is his life and she will be a part of it..either you accept it or you dont..but i am going to marry her ..of course i was floored i heard it all over skype..talked to his dad..his dad is cool with us but mom will be tough..PATIENCE HUN they need to realize this about your life not theirs..either they love you and accept her to or you dont come around ..eventually they will want to see you and will accept her...gl keep us posted ..and if you really love her..stand up for what you believe its yours and her life no one elses...HUGS

My fiance's father was not at all interested in getting to know me when we first got together. We have a 17 year age gap (me 40 him 23). Only after he could see how successful we were in our life together did he bother to actually get to know me. It took him about a year to come to the conclusion that we were really serious about each other. I think he thought I was just another phase his son was going through. Family gatherings were really difficult until his attitude changed and now we have a great time whenever we all get together.

The age gap plus the gender thing is a double whammy for your parents. They are maybe focusing on the lesser of two evils (age) before they try to deal with the big one (same sex).
My aunt was with her wife for more than 40 years. They were parted by death. I challenge any het couple to beat these numbers :) . They had an age gap of 15 years, they lived in a small "hick" town, but they made it work. It can be done, with love and devotion and courage.
Your family will always be your family, but sometimes it takes extraordinary measures to keep connected to them.
Good luck to you, and stay strong.