Found out he's breaking up with me

I snooped... I feel really bad about it-- I am not proud to admit it. I think the urge came from leftover anxiety from my last relationship. (My boyfriend of 4 years was cheating on me and actually got married to her while still living with me.)

Anyway, I snooped in my YMs e-mail yesterday when I was just bored and curious. Again, I feel HORRIBLE about doing that, but the damage is done. We've been together for about a year. Everything seems nice and still in the "honeymoon stage". However, from his e-mails he apparently has told all of his friends that he is breaking up with me. He didn't mention exactly why, just that he's "tired" of me. It's weird because we still have all of those cool begining of a relationship things-- setting up little surprises, candlelight dinners for each other, etc... Just today he drove an hour round-trip from his office to mine on his lunch hour just to surprise me with my favorite coffee shop drink and a sandwich because he knows I'm really busy this week dealing with some important deadlines and, consequently, I'm eating out of vending machines.

I'm stuck between having to admit that I snooped and having to just act like there's nothing wrong. I'm going to feel weird hanging out with his friends who know that he doesn't want to be with me any more. I guess I should just leave him with some vague reason like "I think we should move on." and let him get on with his life. I don't want to be so mysterious, but I don't know if I can admit what I've done either.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

:(

Confess your snoopage and talk to him right away. It is possible that he is receiving some pressure from his friends and that he lied to them to relieve that pressure. My thoughts are either way its not a good thing. I'd talk with him and get it straight.

It's so weird.


If I had the absolute privilege of being with the woman that I love, I would care what others would think.


Plus, if I'd grow tired of her, which I don't quite see, I'd respect her enough to tell her without doing anything behind her back.

Hi shinya,

I think Marcy's right. Admitting to the snooping may be really hard, and may even damage the relationship, but keeping quiet about about what you've seen will eat you up inside and will definitely damage the relationship so I think you have to do something which may involve admitting it. Do you know any of his friends? Maybe you can rediscover this information somehow in a different way and then confront him about it.

Regarding the snooping, if it is truly a one time thing for you and you can resolve your concerns about the relationship in a different way (without admitting it), I might try that. However, since you saw something you didn't expect to see, it's going to be difficult to not snoop again. I've been there-- it becomes a compulsion-- all trust is eroded and major damage is done. So, keep it in check and put it behind you or admit all to clear the air and then put it behind both of you.

Good luck!

-jemma

Shinya:

Ugh. I've tried to write a response, like, four times. It's been difficult because my philosophy is that a guy can open any drawer that he wants to in my house, but if he doesn't like what he finds, that's HIS problem for snooping. And I guess you could replace the word 'drawer' with email, cell phone, glove box, etc.

But, like you said, that snooping is already done. So:

If you confess to the snooping, the pro is that perhaps you two can address what has been going on with him. Maybe it's pressure, like Marcy suggested could be a possibility. Maybe he meant what he wrote.

One of the cons is that if everything has been going, mostly peachy, like you wrote, then his trust in you is likely to be damaged. My boyfriend has been very patient and understanding of my trust issues that grew out of my last relationship experience. However, I don't think that he would be very understanding of me breaking into his email (or snooping into his personal things in any way). So, if you're going to tell him that you snooped, be prepared and willing to accept some legitimate negative reaction on his part.

Of course, if it's true - that he's been planning on breaking things off with you - then there's no reason to care if he doesn't trust you.

Instead of confessing to the snooping right off the bat, you could try checking in with him in other ways. Perhaps there's a way to start a conversation about the status of the relationship without it looking obvious that you 'found something out.' I don't have a lot of suggestions on the details of this approach right now - my brain is fried like an egg from work.

Either way, clearly a conversation needs to be had - and the sooner the better - otherwise what you know is going to come out in some other way and the pressure is going to begin to build.

I suggest that if things have been going really well and you were snooping because of your past experience(s), that you STOP snooping. You're going to create a whole scenario in your head with only partial information. And reading things like what he's writing is only going to hurt YOU.

Good luck, Shinya.

If I were you I would just break up, for some silly reason or other. Do not tell him you were snooping. No need for things to get ugly.

On the other hand, is it possible that he suspects that you are snooping and he is doing this to test you?

Thanks so much everyone for your responses. My general feeling is that I should just break up with him first, get out, and not make things ugly as sheila4pd said by opening up the snooping can of worms (that I've already opened for myself). This is easier said than done though-- I am in love and sad about this whole situation. Things seemed to be going so well, so I'm inclined to agree with Marcy that he's not exactly being straight with his friends... though maybe that's denial on my part. I also thought that he might be testing me as sheila4pd said, but I'm pretty sure that idea is even more denial on my part because I've never done anything like this before-- this is a first breach of trust and it was totally out of nowhere for me-- I've never even thought about looking into his things like that before. Why would he happen to plant something at this point in time?

Ug, I feel crummy on so many levels. Now, as I'm writing this post, I feel like admitting what I've done to (a) clear my conscience and (b) open the dialogue with the hope of fixing things. Still, it's easier said than done... harrummpphh...

By the way, thanks science, for your particularly thoughtful response.

things happen for a reason, i would not admitt snooping, i would however have a serious sit down talk.

point blank, ask him questions and listen to his answers.

1. How do you really feel about me and our relationship?

2. Do you feel fulfilled and this is where you want to be?

3. Where do you see this going down the road?

4. How important is your friends opinion of us?

dont let him wiggle, eyeball him and dont let him off the hook.

if he cant do this then politely tell him this is not working out the way that you would like and YOU want to cut your losses.

ladies be strong, stop handing overy your power to dumb guys.

i am pms-ing this week, so sorry if i am rough around the edges.

i have snooped too and thank goodness i did, because i found out (12 years ago) that the father of my child had a complete double life, girlfriend, sex tapes, vacations together, etc., etc..
so what did i do?
i BAILED!!!!!

i don't think he's testing you. and if he is that's very weird don't you think?

why are you feeling guilty? aren't you glad you found out that at the very least he's talking behind your back? he's not writing to his friends saying how in love with you he is. in my opinion it's good that you found out and very liberating.

i would end it too. that would be a major turn off for me. you have to ask yourself do you really still want him after this?

if i were you i'd now feel free to get on with my life and look forward to meeting someone new and exciting!

if he was paying lip service to his buddies because they don't like you or he is embarrassed...do you really want to work around that issue? perhaps some would but i wouldn't. maybe i'm too sensitive and hot headed who knows.

i don't think you did anything wrong. now you know something's up and you can make some decisions. i know you feel that you're in love with him but look at him objectively and take a deep breath...maybe you're just emotionally involved and once you look at him soberly and clearly you won't be as smitten.

Just to get some perspective here, how exactly did you snoop? I think that actually makes a difference...

Like, if he left his email open on your computer and then he left your home, it would take a very strong person indeed to resist looking.

But if you sat for 3 days trying different combinations to crack his password, that'd be a lot less understandable, you see what I mean?

Just to get an idea of what the situation is regarding the effectiveness of confronting him, etc. etc.

Yep, I'd spin it & tell him like "I'm just not into you anymore!!" HONK!! Shoot, ye already know what he thinks!! So why not!! :D

Note to Flipper: SEX TAPES?!! :eek: Oh my!! ;)

Note to Flipper: SEX TAPES?!! :eek: Oh my!! ;)

it was pretty nauseating!!! :eek:

Oh ye mean of him & the bimbo?!! :eek: HOLY HONKERS!!:eek:

pinkcat, We use the same computer and same web based mail server. I typed in his login name and the stored password automatically came up. See, I'm not THAT evil! ;)

pinkcat, We use the same computer and same web based mail server. I typed in his login name and the stored password automatically came up. See, I'm not THAT evil! ;)

you're not evil at all. and if you suspect anything, snoop if u can get away with it!!! :D

edit: i don't condone random snooping in my personal life, but i did when i was very suspicious of infidelity as i mentioned before and i'm glad i did. i also know that if a man suspected anything of me, he might look in my drawers (as SG mentioned) too...

i also know that if a man suspected anything of me, he might look in my drawers (as SG mentioned) too...

Sure, a guy might go through your stuff if he thinks you're up to something. But I also think that people often open, say, a nightstand drawer out of curiosity. Sort of like opening a medicine cabinet door. It's one of those weird curiosity things. It's hard not to do these things sometimes but in my opinion, it's still an invasion of privacy.

pinkcat, We use the same computer and same web based mail server. I typed in his login name and the stored password automatically came up. See, I'm not THAT evil! ;)

I'm sorry, I don't see a big difference between typing in his personal login name, in hopes that his password would pop up, and breaking into his email.

My password for my personal email is stored in that particular program - the login box with my ID and password pop-up when you open the program. All you have to do is hit Enter. If my boyfriend opened that program and read my email without my knowledge and consent, I would consider that a huge breach of trust.


But, again, that part is done.

I don't completely disagree with the posters who've suggested that you just end it. I wouldn't want to be with someone who is telling his friends that he's tired of me. How sh*tty is that? It would take an awful lot on his part to re-create a sense of security in the relationship.

If you're going to have a conversation with him instead, I think that Kittylane gave you some good guidance in her post, above.

Just a comment on the snooping... yeah, it's wrong, yeah it's an invasion of privacy, yeah I don't condone it, but I agree with PinkCat that it makes a difference (to me at least) how it was done (ie: major hacking which seems to have a lot of "intent" and premeditation behind it versus what you did). What you did seems to me to be more like the medicine cabinet example, but that's just my opinion. (Still maybe wrong, but it's about shades of grey!)

On the other topic, you deserve to have someone who loves you and who will shout it to the world!

On the other topic, you deserve to have someone who loves you and who will shout it to the world!

From the rooftops.

There's also the thought...did he say these things right after a fight with you? I've suffered from foot-in-mouth syndrome. I unintentionally have said things to friends, venting and saying maybe I should end it when upset. Of course it was unexcusable and I've matured since then but to dump him without being honest about it is no more honorable than him threatening to leave you behind your back.

Come clean.

And for future reference...sometimes ignorance is bliss.

There's also the thought...did he say these things right after a fight with you? I've suffered from foot-in-mouth syndrome. I unintentionally have said things to friends, venting and saying maybe I should end it when upset. Of course it was unexcusable and I've matured since then but to dump him without being honest about it is no more honorable than him threatening to leave you behind your back.

Come clean.

And for future reference...sometimes ignorance is bliss.


Agreed on all counts.

Had you just had a fight? I once told my girlfriend that I was totally about to dump my boyfriend, and i was serious, because I was mad at him over a fight... but we cleared up a misunderstanding and made up and were just fine after that.

I've only ever snooped when there was cause to snoop....gut instinct, things felt a little askew, etc....even though things "seemed" on the outside to be going along fine as usual, something underneath was brewing and I could sense it.

When you snoop, and find what you feared (or worse), I think it's totally justified !! Sheesh...they've been lying and sneaking or whatever, why does snooping get the bad wrap in that scenario??? I don't call it snooping, I call it resourceful action toward self preservation!

If I had snooped (because of some gut feeling) and found out that there was nothing to worry about at all...THEN I would have felt ashamed and been obligated to confess/ask forgiveness, and promise to not do it again (and make good on the promise).

Too many women (men too I'm sure), live in denial and in a fantasy for years telling themselves everything is okay, when their guy is a rat in hiding:mad: . If they would just do a little savy searching, they would save years of their lives being played.

If my guy came to me and admitted he snooped (and found nothing), I would forgive him, and then give him permission to snoop all he wanted since there's nothing to hide !! Someone who gets mad because you snooped and found out they were faking their intentions, or cheating or whatever are just trying to deflect the blame away from them.

I agree with Kitty...ask him pointed questions to determine his commitment level. If he hems and haws at all, break up right there. If he seems sincere in wanting your forever, then call him on what you found and let him explain himself. Then, go from there.

I've only ever snooped when there was cause to snoop....gut instinct, things felt a little askew, etc....even though things "seemed" on the outside to be going along fine as usual, something underneath was brewing and I could sense it.

When you snoop, and find what you feared (or worse), I think it's totally justified !! Sheesh...they've been lying and sneaking or whatever, why does snooping get the bad wrap in that scenario??? I don't call it snooping, I call it resourceful action toward self preservation!

If I had snooped (because of some gut feeling) and found out that there was nothing to worry about at all...THEN I would have felt ashamed and been obligated to confess/ask forgiveness, and promise to not do it again (and make good on the promise).

Too many women (men too I'm sure), live in denial and in a fantasy for years telling themselves everything is okay, when their guy is a rat in hiding:mad: . If they would just do a little savy searching, they would save years of their lives being played.

If my guy came to me and admitted he snooped (and found nothing), I would forgive him, and then give him permission to snoop all he wanted since there's nothing to hide !! Someone who gets mad because you snooped and found out they were faking their intentions, or cheating or whatever are just trying to deflect the blame away from them.



i totally agree. i wouldn't be mad if a guy snooped on me either. i think it's smart to do it if you sense something is wrong. i have rarely been wrong when my intuition was telling me something was amiss. and they do try to make it your fault for snooping, but i wouldn't care because at least i knew the truth and could get the heck out of there.

gee thanks guys for the thumbs up. i am not for together for total honesty at this point in how she got her information. the fact is she got it. i believe in gut instinct and i know when i have snooped in the past, i was very late in finding out things that were going on in my own marriage.

namely strippers and extramaritial sex from my EX husband.

devastated was an understatement but the experience changed me to my core, my tolerance for BS went completely out the window, i just am not equipped to hang around or put up with what i call the "weird" stuff anymore. cant do it.

i dont feel guilty that i finally figured out how to check my exhusbands emails, in fact i feel now that i was protecting myself, a bit late, but still glad that i did, although i could not believe the stuff i was reading, i had never even heard him talk like how he portrayed himself in emails, it was creepy, the guy could live two different lives.

i very honest, i feel guilty over little white lies and tell adam when i do committ them, just so if he finds out, its from me, not anyone else. i dont feel the need to check his cell phone or his computer, cause he came to me with wemon who crossed boundries these last few years also, adam is very cute and very nice, wemon like him, he didnt have to tell me but he did for the same reason i tell him, when any weird stuff happens, better to hear from each other first. do i get pissed? yes, relationships are fragile enough without outsiders interfering and if you let them in.

we dont let them in, its what works for us, if you are not for us then you are against us, we are a couple, a unit and a marriage, a package deal.

if the poster does not see a future with this guy, then level the playing field and find someone who see's her worth.

otherwise, its all just a waste of valubable life and time.

I've only ever snooped when there was cause to snoop....gut instinct, things felt a little askew, etc....even though things "seemed" on the outside to be going along fine as usual, something underneath was brewing and I could sense it.

When you snoop, and find what you feared (or worse), I think it's totally justified !! Sheesh...they've been lying and sneaking or whatever, why does snooping get the bad wrap in that scenario??? I don't call it snooping, I call it resourceful action toward self preservation!

If I had snooped (because of some gut feeling) and found out that there was nothing to worry about at all...THEN I would have felt ashamed and been obligated to confess/ask forgiveness, and promise to not do it again (and make good on the promise).

Exactly!!

The only times in my life I've ever been prompted to snoop have been when my gut told me there was something going on. Think about it....in those first throes of love, when everything is great....do you ever feel the need to pry? Don't you just take him at his word, knowing that everything is on the up and up? You just "know" in your gut that all is well. But when things start to go awry, you begin to get that gnawing feeling. You try to put it off as your own insecurity, but his actions prove otherwise. He tells you all is well, but your KNOW it's not...and you snoop in an effort to justify your feelings. I see nothing wrong with your "snooping" under these circumstances, because you actually found evidence of his wrongdoing. Tell him you found it with no apologies. The snooping is a minor violation considering what he is doing.

Just a question...

what happened to judging a man by his actions and not his words. I see this mentioned ALL the time.

The OP mentioned him going out of his way to do stuff for her when she was busy at work, etc. Do these sound like the actions of someone who's about to break up???

And about snooping... I know D's passwords for pretty much everything because she's told me! (and I 'think' she knows mine) I could check on her email whenever the hell I feel like it. When I'm at hers and on her computer I can do it automatically without putting in her email address and sometimes without putting in a password anyway. It's STILL snooping

...what happened to judging a man by his actions and not his words. I see this mentioned ALL the time.

The OP mentioned him going out of his way to do stuff for her when she was busy at work, etc. Do these sound like the actions of someone who's about to break up???

And about snooping... I know D's passwords for pretty much everything because she's told me! (and I 'think' she knows mine) I could check on her email whenever the hell I feel like it. When I'm at hers and on her computer I can do it automatically without putting in her email address and sometimes without putting in a password anyway. It's STILL snooping
I agree with Rob on both accounts. He does not seem to be somebody that wants to break up. And I, like Ally, think that snooping is wrong. But if it is wrong, confessing will not make it right.

Often these are the very same women who trail the man to work, nag him if he comes home late and eventually drives the man to cheat because his home is no longer a haven; then when he finally cheats they say see, I knew it. It is a self fulfilling prophesy. You believe any man is going to cheat and so you do things to drive a wedge between you and your man until his resolve to the other women he encounters daily is broken and he finally gives in because there is no support system at home; snooping is destructive.


allyheart,

I couldn't disagree with you more. IMOHO, no one is driven to cheat. Cheating is a choice made for any number of reasons, but it is always a choice, and I would say, most often, a poor one.

Even in the scenerio you present, there are other options. There are always other options.

To explain, my own husband cheated. I trusted him completly. I never snooped. We worked opposite shifts, and he often went out at night with his friends...and even my own girlfriends. I always trusted him, and even encouraged him in these friendships. He was from England, a long way from home and his lifelong social circle. I wanted him to be comfortable here; his life complete.

A few months after buying our first home, he left me for the next door neighbor's wife. It was his choice. This choice destroyed 2 families, many friendships, ended any stability the neighbor's children had known, and nearly destroyed the good man that had been our neighbor. Still, it was my husband's choice.

Ironically enough, this woman played both men, her husband and mine, getting what each offered her, until she chose to became pregnant with the child I had always wanted, and never been able to have. This was when her husband finally gave up, and so did I.

It has been a struggle in so many ways. Even today. What I know beyond any doubt, is that he made a choice. A lousy one I believe, and very selfish. While I know I am not blameless in the eventual ending of my marriage, I do know that I divorced with my integrity intact. Despite numerous opportunities, I never cheated. I chose to remain faithful to the end. To this day, it's a choice I am pleased with. I have no regrets.

because even people with the highest moral standings sometimes break under the pressure.

Indeed, but a partner should never be blamed for one's infidelities! Lame excuses in my eyes!

Shirl love, I empathize with your situation and I am by no means advocating cheating! I agree with you 100% cheating is a choice. What I was trying to bring across is that for many women snooping is a destructive habit! It creates problems in the relationship and lead to other problems, because even people with the highest moral standings sometimes break under the pressure.



allyheart darling -- thank you for clarifying. I guess it is just that they are such completly different things...cheating/snooping. I agree, that snooping can be distructive, and I would think, often a behavior stemming from poor self esteem and insecurities.Sometimes, as others have mentioned, it is basic self-preservation.

Cheating is a whole different action, and I guess my point would be that I don't reallybelieve for a moment that it is ever the other persons fault. Their behavior may contribute to it...but ultimately, it is the person who chooses to do it that is at fault for making that choice. No matter how badly I treat you, or how miserable you may be in a relationship, there are always other options to cheating. :)

Frankly, if its come to the point where you suspect infidelity, that in itself is the death knell for the relationship. Either you are right, and the problem originated with the cheater, or you are wrong and have insecurity issues to work through.

What happens after that depends on how much you trust your inner voice vs how much you trust your partner.

In my marriage, my ex would accuse me of thoughts of infidelity all the time, if not actual situations. Where he thought I had the time or the energy is beyond me. It could have been projection and he was actually the one doing the cheating, but ultimately it didn't matter. His insecurity and trust issues drove a huge chasm between us, and it didn't matter that I was faithful...he thought what he thought, and he thought he was right. You can't argue with that, so I ended the relationship.

So yes, insecurity can end a relationship. You could be right, or wrong. The fact that you're where you are says everything. It's all a learning process. I've learned to spot the signs of both insecurity and cheating from that relationship, and know that if I start wondering about it, then he's not the right one for me.

Confess your snoopage and talk to him right away. It is possible that he is receiving some pressure from his friends and that he lied to them to relieve that pressure. My thoughts are either way its not a good thing. I'd talk with him and get it straight.

i agree and he may be in conflict. I think you have got a break because you can continue in the realtionship knowing he is carving a way out and so won't be putting pressure on you. face it, he's got an exit strategy.

Guys (no matter what age) burden the girl with the "domestic" chores. Would you rather he have brokenup with you after starting a fight or provoking you and really blindsiding you?

Sounds like he enjoys the benefits but can't live up to the changing norms that allow him to have a special relationship with you. And friends are always jealous because you ar reaping the benefit of time spent with this person versus them.

One question: how did you finding out about him wanting to break up come down as something for you to be guilty about? Sounds like you followed an instinct.

Wow, thanks for all of the responses.

I had a lot of insecurity at the beginining of this relationship because my last guy lead a double life. He was constantly snooping on me though because he has never been faithful to anyone and so I guess he didn't believe that people could be faithful in general. (I was and am!) He actually did a major hack job into my company's server just to get to my e-mail. He had me followed all the time by people I didn't know which started to make me really paranoid-- people looking at me from around the end of the aisle at the grocery store, people following me by car-- some of them really were his people, some weren't...

This current guy knew that I had these leftover issues and he worked really hard to reassure me, etc... We are both open with our stuff. For example, he usually checks his e-mail when we are sitting side by side on the couch with one laptop across both of our laps. I always look away to give him some privacy and he laughs at me for that and says that there's no reason to look away.

Anyway, I've come a long way from previous "rotten guy" and have never doubted my current boyfriend's sincerity. I didn't snoop because of a gut instinct, I didn't snoop because I decided to be sneaky and find things out. It was just a spur of the moment thing-- I just looked because it was there and I did it with no agenda. I wasn't expecting to see anything. I wasn't expecting to not see anything. I just did it...

...and I found something bad.
At this point I still haven't approached him with a conversation. Things are just rolling along and seem fine just like they seemed before. I know something will have to be said though. I don't want to be building up resentment over what I've read.

Anyway, thanks again for all of the input!

I snooped... I feel really bad about it-- I am not proud to admit it. I think the urge came from leftover anxiety from my last relationship. (My boyfriend of 4 years was cheating on me and actually got married to her while still living with me.)

Anyway, I snooped in my YMs e-mail yesterday when I was just bored and curious. Again, I feel HORRIBLE about doing that, but the damage is done. We've been together for about a year. Everything seems nice and still in the "honeymoon stage". However, from his e-mails he apparently has told all of his friends that he is breaking up with me. He didn't mention exactly why, just that he's "tired" of me. It's weird because we still have all of those cool begining of a relationship things-- setting up little surprises, candlelight dinners for each other, etc... Just today he drove an hour round-trip from his office to mine on his lunch hour just to surprise me with my favorite coffee shop drink and a sandwich because he knows I'm really busy this week dealing with some important deadlines and, consequently, I'm eating out of vending machines.

I'm stuck between having to admit that I snooped and having to just act like there's nothing wrong. I'm going to feel weird hanging out with his friends who know that he doesn't want to be with me any more. I guess I should just leave him with some vague reason like "I think we should move on." and let him get on with his life. I don't want to be so mysterious, but I don't know if I can admit what I've done either.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

:(

Don't feel too bad about snooping. I've had the chance, and NOT taken it, and never found out information that I needed to know. Information that could have changed the course of my life over two years or so. I'm with you on the snooping, sometimes it's FORGIVABLE. Now, what to do? Nothing. Get your heart ready for a chat with him, just a little "see where it's going and what we're doing" chat. Then respond to what he says to you. I don't know how big your age gap is, but a vym, could so definitely say he's breaking up with you because of presssure from peers or family, but not really feel it. Have that talk: today.

Ali

I agree basically with everyone. Sit down and talk. You don't necessarily have to tell him you've snoop. Good grief...why do we feel we have to tell men everything.

Ask him if you're both ok and if he has any issues he wants to get off his chest. tell him you're getting bad vibes or something to that effect and you want to know where this relationship is going. And work from there.

It doesn't have to be this "fess fes", does it...if snooping is your only crime, and you found your information, I say let it go and now concentrate on finding out where you stand. You're spending too much time and energy on how you acquire the information instead of what's to become of your relationship at the end of the day.

And your hoping its in a good place.

Paris

Hi Shins

I think snooping 'does' feel wrong, ....just in my own personal view, because I would feel bad doing it...

However, reading what everyone else has said, and especially Skates....there does seem to be a 'need' sometimes, and perhaps Snooping has its place for some people....

A lot of people mentioned their 'gut' instinct.....perception....We 'all' have it. I think that if we try and develop 'this' side a bit more, there may not be a need to actually snoop.....If we acted on these instincts, perhaps we would be rewarded with a stronger insight the next time around....

I agree with Iparis......you got a bad vibe, and want to know whats happening, thats all.....forget the snooping...

Shins, good luck with everything.....I hope its just a case of him being a youngster with his mates, and not really thinking about what he was saying :)

Sometimes, like AngelAngel said:


And for future reference...sometimes ignorance is bliss.

No, I'm not advocating sticking one's head in the sand and ignoring signals. Heck, like Ali said, if I'd snooped more in my last relationship, I could have saved myself a lot of time and heartache. But hindsight is often 20/20 and I don't want to go into future relationships snooping without cause.

And sometimes we dig up stuff that should be left buried.

I wrote a couple of things in emails to a couple of close girlfriends when I first started dating my new boyfriend. No doubt, if he read those things, his feelings would be hurt. But I wrote those things before I even had a chance to get to know him. I am embarrassed and occasionally 'lightly traumatized' :rolleyes: that I even wrote those things. I would be devastated if he read those things because NONE of them is 'true'.


Shinya:

I strongly agree with the second paragraph below of Paris' post:

Ask him if you're both ok and if he has any issues he wants to get off his chest. tell him you're getting bad vibes or something to that effect and you want to know where this relationship is going. And work from there.

It doesn't have to be this "fess fes", does it...if snooping is your only crime, and you found your information, I say let it go and now concentrate on finding out where you stand. You're spending too much time and energy on how you acquire the information instead of what's to become of your relationship at the end of the day.



But, I completely agree with the suggestion that perhaps you can work on trying to find out where you stand without 'busting' the relationship because of your indiscretion.

Don't spill your guts just to or mainly to relieve yourself of any guilt (if you have any.

Girl, I don't know how you're avoiding having SOME type of conversation about the relationship's status.

Every time I hold in something that I'm hesitant to bring up with my boyfriend, I start acting like a snotty twit, and then it all comes out in a really asinine way - in part because I KNOW that I've worked myself up even more by holding it in.

Hope you're not doing this. It's a great way to sabotage a relationship, indirectly.

There is no way I would admit to snooping! And I agree with Sheila's point on self-preservation. You must have felt something was "off" or you wouldn't have even gone there. Why should we feel the need to tell our men or anyone else, for that matter, everything we do, think or feel??

Let's get real here: do you think men don't do their own snooping on us?

My vote is to put some emotional distance between the 2 of you and see how he responds. If the distance doesn't bother him, it's over. Then you can be the one to end it and save your self-respect. If the distance bothers him and he complains, then sit down and ask him what he wants from this relationship and go from there. I think having the dreaded "heart-to-heart" off the bat may make you look needy and cause him to have suspicions that maybe you did snoop. As others have said here: look at his behavior not just his words: seeing how he behaves by your emotional distance will show you how he really feels!

I think having the dreaded "heart-to-heart" off the bat may make you look needy...

Wow, did you hit the nail on the head for me! I didn't even realize that this was how I felt until I read it in your post! This is exactly why I haven't been able to have the conversation as of yet!!!

My vote is to put some emotional distance between the 2 of you and see how he responds. If the distance doesn't bother him, it's over. Then you can be the one to end it and save your self-respect. If the distance bothers him and he complains, then sit down and ask him what he wants from this relationship and go from there.

Ya know, there's been so much really good advice in this thread. As healthy as just talking to him about everything seems to be, your advice here feels a lot more like "me" and I think this is what I am going to do.

Several days have gone by since my original post with my problem. Science Goddess said:

Every time I hold in something that I'm hesitant to bring up with my boyfriend, I start acting like a snotty twit, and then it all comes out in a really asinine way... ...It's a great way to sabotage a relationship, indirectly.

and I agree, this is also definitely me. I have been working really really hard over the last week to keep my snottiness in check so that this entire thread doesn't become a moot point (i.e. regardless of whether he was gonna break up with me or not, the relationship might crash and burn over my snottiness)-- it's a full time job!

I have experience with snooping and cheating from both sides and with two types of men - a rotten one and a wonderful one.

Rotten guy thought I was cheating and hacked into everything; my email, message forums, IM convos, even my pen and paper journal. Everything! Anything he found that indicated (in his mind) that I was cheating, he'd angrily confront me with. He had no shame whatsoever about violating my privacy. He truly believed he was justified. The one time I was curious and snooped in his files on the computer, I found pictures of another woman in her underwear. By that point our relationship was over and I hadn't really cared about him being unfaithful for a long time, but I did find it amusing and pathetic.

Wonderful guy knows my email password (I gave it to him) and could read my messages if he wanted to. But why would he? I've got nothing to hide from him, and he has no reason to not trust me. All he'd end up finding would be a million chatty notes from my mom, and that would be distressing enough that he'd never go there again :).

Like some other people have already said, there is something wrong underneath that raised a red flag and led to the prying in the first place. It's hard to face up to painful relationship problems, but the uneasiness and insecurity must feel a lot worse.