How do you handle friends his age? A (rare for me) Vent!

A little background:

My husband and I love doing things with friends of all ages. I have one, very dear girlfriend who is 27. She is hysterical and occasionally teases me about being as old as dirt - I give it right back to her about being young and dumb but the reality is she respects my knowledge I've earned over the years and I respect the fact that she has *really* got it together (much more so than I did when I was her age). It's a good friendship.

HOWEVER...

I've noticed that several of our friends who are in my husband's age group have a habit that drives me INSANE. They tend to forget that I am 12 - 17 years older and they give me advice that I, frankly, find irritating.

Example: One couple we know are parents of a three year old. A three year old, mind you. And they give me unsolicited parenting advice. Often. I've patiently reminded them that I've been parenting a long time and I'm pretty happy with the routine the kids and I have developed. But the advice keeps coming. I try to be gracious about it and just smile & nod. But some days, I want to scream, "Do you not REALIZE I've been parenting since you were in diapers???"

Another couple we know gives us unsolicited advice on financial wisdom or breast feeding (what?? I'm 41, for pete's sake and I have FIVE KIDS! I'm pretty sure I've got the whole breastfeeding thing down by now and anyway, I'm not even pregnant!!)

And yet another one gives me dieting tips even though I've tried to explain to her on several occasions that dieting in your 40s is a whole different ballgame than dieting in your 20s.

This happens all the time on a variety of topics and there are days when I want to bang my head against a wall. I suppose I should be flattered that they forget I'm so much older but Heaven help me if I haven't learned an extra thing or two in the extra 15 years I've been around and I'm really not interested in hearing the same old advice I learned when I was in my 20s!

Okay, okay... I know I'm being a little touchy. Just, somebody please tell me that I'm not the only one who experiences this and gets a little crabby about it!

Be grateful his friends talk to you and do not ignore you like they ignore me. :mad:

I personally have never gone through any of that yet.

I don't think you're insane and I think it's kinda funny that you could've been their babysitter and they're telling you how to do things!

What you have proved is that to this day you are still learning.

What you've learned though is just when we thought teenages knew it all we find out 20-somethings are 10x worse! They all have their degrees in B.S. (and here I thought a B.S. was just a coincidence)!

How cute overall. Maybe you girls can have a sleepover next and act boy crazy, lol! :D

I think it's awesome that they forget that you've got 10+ years on them. If it's okay with you, I'm gonna pray for that problem! ;) :p

Be grateful his friends talk to you and do not ignore you like they ignore me. :mad:

I'm sorry to hear this Shiela. People can really just be jerks sometimes. You think his happiness would be good enough for them. Not too good of friends if you ask me.

I think it's awesome that they forget that you've got 10+ years on them. If it's okay with you, I'm gonna pray for that problem! ;) :p
<--Ditto :)

The one I hate is people with no kids who give parenting advise:)

i am one not to give advice unless its my family. i think they are a riding the fact that they are experts at somethings and in your 20's you think everything is a big deal.

i am actually in person a person who will gladly help out and be supportive but on the rare occasion that someone said something unsolicited about my family, i ate them for lunch. its just me, its a character defect i am sure.

usually my face must get beet red and i snarl and use my standard remark.

my family is OFF limits.

regarding breast feeding comments, just dont get that one, regarding finances, very personal and i dont think to be open discussion, regarding children, walk a mile in my shoes first.

i am friendly here at ageless but have a bit of stand-off-ish-ness in real person, i bit of a stiff upper lip and hopefully an open heart to all people, but as for unsolicited advice, i find that very rude.

just my two cents.

Doesn't everyone have family and friends who give unsolicited advice? I'm a doctor and my mom is just loaded with medical misinformation that she thinks I may be unaware of. I'm not sure this is an age thing at all. People just like to hear their own voices and feel they have one leg up on you. Don't take it so personally! :cool:

What you've learned though is just when we thought teenages knew it all we find out 20-somethings are 10x worse! They all have their degrees in B.S. (and here I thought a B.S. was just a coincidence)!

I love it - and you are so right!!

The one I hate is people with no kids who give parenting advise

It feels VERY much like that and, when I originally wrote my post, I made that exact same comparison (I just deleted the observation in one of my never-ending - and, once again, unsuccessful - attempts to pare down my rambling post)!

I'm a doctor and my mom is just loaded with medical misinformation that she thinks I may be unaware of. I'm not sure this is an age thing at all. People just like to hear their own voices and feel they have one leg up on you.

That little blurb about your own mom made me laugh out loud - thanks, rozie! And yes, of course, I know you're right but sometimes, on my worst PMS days, my crabbiness takes control... usually, though, I have enough self-control to keep my bad attitude to myself! :D

Tonight my hubby and I went out with the friend I mentioned in my original post. We had an AWESOME time and I'm now feeling a little sheepish for having been so negative earlier. The regular Kelley is back ;)

I don't spend time with his friends. I didn't sign on for that and almost none of them make sense for me to be around. My goal is for us to make new friends together. I want him to see the "new world".

In high school i always was fighting the friends and I got fed up with it. They feel like they own him. I am not up for a turf battle.

Our time together is about us. If his family and friends life was so fulfilling he wouldn't have time for me in the beginning. That's the way life works.

I don't take him to foriegn films with all the Ph.Ds I know, he keep me away from the electrician's night out parties of beer and poker.

I don't spend time with his friends. I didn't sign on for that and almost none of them make sense for me to be around. My goal is for us to make new friends together. I want him to see the "new world".

*chuckle* These aren't "his" friends. These are new friends that we've met together that happen to be his age. :)

If the advice is sound, I really don't mind whom it comes from. I'm surrounded with younger people lately and my ex-vym's brother (nearly 22) keeps giving me advice about how to handle his sibling. It's most welcome as even as a friend he can be a handful!

We sometimes go out the four of us - aged 19... to 38 - and I only feel older when I can't keep up and that's not often. I have great conversations with the fiancee, we get along great but I must admit she's not "over-advising" type. I'm more annoyed with the snappy comments from 'acquaintances' or stupid girls who graviate around me. They manage to make me feel old sometimes.

Just a thought that popped into my head as I was reading your post.... I wonder if they are doing this because they may feel intimidated by the fact that you are older? In other words, maybe they are trying to prove that they are as intelligent as you are about worldly matters? Maybe they are jealous of your wisdom and knowledge that you have experienced as an older person? Does that make sense?

Hmmmm...I seem to remember being that age many, many moons ago! LOL!

Anyhoo, Personally, I would find stuff out as I went along and I wanted to share my new-found knowledge & experience with all of my friends!

Not showing off, not lecturing...just a "Hey! Looky what I found!" to anyone and everyone. I felt proud and/or a sense of accomplishment, too, I suppose, with certain things.

Maybe look at it that way and it'll seem cute in an "Awww, look-she's-taking-her-first-steps" kinda way and not so annoying! :D

Just be scary and scare them all off, that's what I did with his friends. LOL No really, I'm not scary, but I have apparently scared them all away, as they never come around. ;-) Hey....works for me.

children and puppies need to understand boundries, unfortunately this too goes for adults, even the twenty something crowd.

its great to feel smart and have knowledge but i think its important to know a person's place, maybe this is a stickler for me, but rude behavior is rude behavior, you dont have to slam a person over the head to let them know they have crossed the line, but i think its best to clear and air and validate how they are making you feel.

at least then, the air is cleared, hopefully understanding is met or at least they think twice before commenting.

also, i am careful in what i do divulge regarding my family, i dont complain to just anyone if i have a bug up my butt about something, i dont solicite advice from people i would not take the advice from in the first place.

maybe premise a vent with just that, i need to vent!!! and not get advice on fixing the universe.

people feel the need to fix and sometimes take sides, thats always bad, we need a rubber room sometimes to go it, blow our tops, kick the walls and then come out and love everyone as usual.

LOL! At first I thought you were talking about my initiating this thread... and then I reread your post, Kitty.

For more clarification, these are people from my church. Good people, mind you, but they just forget that I've already been where they are and, no matter how old they get, I will always be 12 - 15 years older. I don't vent about my family. I save my venting sessions for what I call my 'mirror-monologues' - I lock myself in the bathroom and have entire "pretend" conversations with my mirror :p

The advice usually comes out of left field! We can be chatting away about so-and-so's adorable two year old and the fact that she loves to watch Dora the Explorer when suddenly, someone will start a whole new conversation with something like, "And, if I were you, I would NOT allow my children to use electronic devices!" (Our computer is in the kitchen where everyone can see what everyone's doing. My 16 year old does have an iPod and the little girls do go to kid-friendly sites on the - dare I say it? - internet. horrors.)

I usually give them the "are you a psycho?" smile and say the long, drawn out, "hoo-kay! Thanks!"

As whiterose said, it's almost like they're trying to prove they're as grown up as I am or something. Crazy whippersnappers...

Just popping in to snap my whip...

Maybe they just feel comfortable enough around you to share their day to day experiences and these are them. I think it is great that they have gotten to comfort level with you that they do not think in terms of age.

If it really bugs you, in specific situations, just shut them down by telling them directly. Otherwise, I would consider it a compliment that they rattle on as if you were one of the gang.

I only really have one friend of my YM who talks incessantly about things she doesn't understand. I have a couple of women in their twenties who do the same in my workplace and it is quite annoying. Recently all the talk has been about pregnancy (two of them having been pregnant of late). It drives me nuts when they bring up myths about pregnancy and present them as facts. Even though I have not managed to give birth I have tried for almost ten years over two relationships to become a mum and have read up on all subjects relating to conception and birth so I am much more informed than the average woman who just falls pregnant without giving it much thought. Since becoming a step mum I have had women question our parenting style.... for instance saying something like "a three year old has to have a sleep every afternoon" when we have found that doesn't work for us... she'd be up til midnight and then up again at 6am if she slept during the day. When you say this you still get a "well I don't agree with it".

It's easy to handle the women at work. As soon as they start talking rubbish, I just google the subject and read the fact out. It shuts them up instantly. For the friend it's a little harder. I tend to just listen and nod my head and say I'll keep that in mind.

The sooner that these people realise that our experiences are all different in life and that generally someone who's been on this earth for 40 or 50 years has picked up more lot knowledge and life experience than someone who's only been here 24 years the better for us all.

I found myself grinning and nodding throughout your post, satya - yes, it's very much like what you said. With the friends, I tend to smile and say the "I'll keep that in mind" line while giving them the "I'm really not listening" glazed over gaze.

What you've learned though is just when we thought teenages knew it all we find out 20-somethings are 10x worse!


I work with a young lady who is about 27. She's opinionated and a little bit of a know-it-all. She states her opinion as fact. She talks over me. Irritating since I'm trying to 'train' her. I ask her to do things in a very specific way and she still feels compelled to try it another way - even though I explain to her why we're doing it 'this' way and that I've done 'this' a million times.

I get quite irritated sometimes.

I recently decided to take a step back and take a different perspective. (Granted, at work, she should be better at following direction but that's not what I'm focusing on here.) She's educated and bright - and she really thinks that she's 'all that and a bag o' fries'. And she's just coming into her own. Even though at her age, she probably thinks she's there already.

As AngelAngel said, 20-somethings are 10x worse than teenagers.

I was. :rolleyes: I was opinionated and thought that I knew it all. One of my best friends is 10 years older than I am, and I'm sure that I gave her all KINDS of advice, etc. when we first met about 18 years ago. Just the nature of a lot of 20-somethings.

Since I changed MY perspective, our working relationship has lost most of it's tension (there wasn't a ton but there was some).

Kel, I know it's irritating but these younger folks are sharing information with you that is relatively new to them.

There are topics about which I'm sure I do this to my same-age friends, as they do to me sometimes - because even though we're the same age, we've learned different things at different times.

As for the difference between fighting the scale at 20 vs. 40, they're in denial. I was. Some things we just don't learn until we get there ourselves. ;)

I think the nodding and "I'll keep that in mind" line is a great way to respond. Like Christie said, above, if you're really not in the mood, just politely shut them down with a 'been there, done that' line instead.