His Mother announced Im way too old !

disgusted with board member reactions

I feel you sister, I’m going through the same. What a lousy thing to do. Depending on how long you two have been together, you know how close the relationship is between he and his mom. You can either ignore it or come back with a good response next time she tries to pull that mess. If it’s a funny come back …even better.

Have you discussed how you felt with your ym. My ym and I discuss things that are said. If so, what was his response.

I feel you sister, I’m going through the same. What a lousy thing to do. Depending on how long you two have been together, you know how close the relationship is between he and his mom. You can either ignore it or come back with a good response next time she tries to pull that mess. If it’s a funny come back …even better.

Have you discussed how you felt with your ym. My ym and I discuss things that are said. If so, what was his response.

He's Jewish and his Mother is his sounding blocking. His Alpha and Omega.
:(
We have only been together several months and are still in the fun stage.
What a damper this has thrown on everything.

That sucks. I can understand a parent wanting grandchildren (as young as I am, my mom is already hinting that she wants gran-babies to spoil!) but to outright bash a very personal situation, is just wrong.

The best thing to do is to let it go. Enjoy the relationship, and if it leads to marriage, YAY, if it doesnt, so be it. She'll get over it. And 36.....pfffft. My mom is 38 and still years from from having her clock run out. What is up with this woman? Even if you and he did not try for kids until after conception was difficult, there's still adoption, so what's she worried about.

As I said, ignor her, laugh it off. Easier said than done I know, but it helps if you know you're the better person for not letting it get to you.

Aw geez....what a self centered witch. Sadly you brought back memories of some nasty things my ex-mother-in-law said early in my relationship with my ex that I believe forshadowed the problems we would have as a couple. I think what will be important here is how he handles things with his mother. He needs to tell her in a loving but firm way that she was totally out of line and that when and whether he marries you is simply not her business.

I remember my ex telling me when I had cold feet that I was not marrying his mother, but him. Unfortunately, he never did anything to keep her out of our personal business. Would you believe she called us in our motel room on our wedding night? Cool off and then have a heart to heart talk with him explaining how painful this was for you. If he laughs it off or excuses his mothers behavior, the get ready to run!

Bah, she's full of it and is misinformed. IF you and your YM get married some day and IF you decide to have a baby, there are women MUCH older than you, my dear, who have certainly conceived. The next time she gives you grief about your "old eggs," fire back at her with the fact that it is well-documented that, while men do produce sperm throughout their lives, the sperm they produce as they age is faultier than the strong stuff they produce in their 20s! I mean, for heaven's sake, it's not like you and your YM are far apart - and it's certainly not like he's 22!

What do you do? The opposite of what you did - don't let her get to you, even if you feel like you've been sucker-punched. My husband is 25 and I am 41. We are happy - very happy. In the beginning, we had a LONG talk about the road ahead and the obstacles that we were sure to face. We made the decision then and there to face them head-on together. There have been times when one or the other of us has really struggled about age-gap related issues but the other one is always there to hang on tightly enough for two.

Look. No matter what relationship you're in, you're going to face issues. That's just life. You need to decide whether or not the guy you're with is your best buddy. If the answer is, "yes," then you hang on with everything you've got and don't let vultures (especially the overbearing Jewish Mother species) shake you down.

p.s. Never, never tell him you hate his mother, though!

Bah, she's full of it and is misinformed. IF you and your YM get married some day and IF you decide to have a baby, there are women MUCH older than you, my dear, who have certainly conceived.


I know , I know ! That's why Im so annoyed.
My grandmother had my mother at 40.
I went to Catholic school. And had a lot of friends who were ' blessed accidents' whose Moms were in their very late 30s to 47. :)

You and your YM have about the same age difference as my wife and I. My mother loved my wife from the first time she met her, had zero problem with the age difference (although she, and especially my father, had some problem with the fact that my wife didn't change her name when we got married), and as my mother slipped into Alzheimer's, my wife was already retired and could visit her every day, while I could only visit her on the weekends. Shortly before my mother's death, she had forgotten who I was, but remembered who my wife was and that I had some connection to my wife. Had my mother rejected my wife when we first began our relationship, she would not only have alienated me, she would have alienated the person who did essentially everything for her in her later years.

I've got a funny feeling that your YM's mother may have found some reason to object to virtually everybody he's ever dated, and doesn't think ANYBODY is good enough for her precious son, since your age difference really isn't all that great. This sounds much more like her objecting to somebody "taking her son away" than like any objection to you personally.

I've got a funny feeling that your YM's mother may have found some reason to object to virtually everybody he's ever dated, and doesn't think ANYBODY is good enough for her precious son, since your age difference really isn't all that great. This sounds much more like her objecting to somebody "taking her son away" than like any objection to you personally.

That was a wonderful relationship that your wife and your Mother were able to forge. Thank you for sharing that touching story. Appreciated.
You hit the nail on the head about my YM's Mother. I went out of my way to be gracious and show that I care for her son.
The only other long term relationship, I was so close with my exBF's Mother and Father that they constantly said they wished they could adopt me if he wouldnt marry me. I actually still miss them.
So this is a slap in the face after such a warm reception from the last Mother of a beau.
Im sorry that my YM has and comes from lots of money. I have somemoney of my own and dont need a guy for his bucks.

I think his Mother has attitude that because theyre multi millionaires that no one is good enough.
I guess I'm sad that my BF won't say one ill thing about his Mother.
Just that she is always looking out for him. But then he tried to joke that he's sure my 'eggs' are perky like the rest of me. And that in a few years he could see being a Dad.
Which I guess is comforting.

In the Jewish culture, children are very very important. It is also important to preserve the faith and women are the determining factor as to the faith of the child. That is, the faith is only transmitted from the mother. If a Jewish man marries a gentile, his children cannot be Jewish unless she converts.

So there you have a big minus.

Depending on what you want your relationship to be, you should talk to your YM and demand from him that he clarify his intentions regarding you to his mother, and after having done that, to tell his mom to stop being rude to you. Period.

In the Jewish culture, children are very very important. It is also important to preserve the faith and women are the determining factor as to the faith of the child. That is, the faith is only transmitted from the mother. If a Jewish man marries a gentile, his children cannot be Jewish unless she converts.

So there you have a big minus.

Depending on what you want your relationship to be, you should talk to your YM and demand from him that he clarify his intentions regarding you to his mother, and after having done that, to tell his mom to stop being rude to you. Period.


According to Jewish Law I am a Jew. My great grandmother on my mother's maternal line was Jewish. So thats not a problem.
Thats the only thing that made his mother happy btw. :rolleyes:

Does the mom get in bed with you?

Ask the ym who is making the decisions? You may have chosen a poor candidate and other girlfriends to be may be ruing the day years to come.

Find a guy who is liberated from mommy.

if his mother is his alpha and omega as you said, then why are you with him? if it were just a play on words then talk to him, find out where he stands and then tell him its up to him to set the guidelines on how his family is to behave around you.

i was terribly offended by my father in law, my husband took care of it and he would not dare say anything ugly about our relationship anymore.

i have a 20 year gap.

my husband is second to my alpha and omega, (God first) but we have boundries with people, if the relationship is too young to have this criteria now then talk to your boyfriend and see how he see the future.

communication is the key to every successful relationship, we dont know your man like you do, talk to the guy and see where he stands on his mother issue.

This is your ym's responsibility to handle, not yours. His Mom acts like that because she knows she can get away with it. The more you let people invade your boundaries, the more they'll do it. Tell your ym to grow a pair and tell his mom where to put it.

FYI, it's okay to tell him you hate his Mom.

Dang. She is very rude. And besides that, its none of her business:rolleyes: .

Don't personalize this, Selkie. This is who she is. If you were 26 instead of 36, she'd be criticizing you for other reasons. Accept her as she is. Change your expectations: expect her to be unpleasant, outspoken, devoid of any sense of propriety, respect for boundaries and, consideration for the feelings of others and then be pleasantly surprised when she doesn't meet your expectations.

If your YM is willing to try to convince her to change her basic self when talking to you, great. I hope it works. If not, he probably knows that that's the way his Mom is, always has been, and always will be. You will be sick with anger for all of your years together if you don't learn to let this go.

For your own well-being, let go of the hate. It will hurt you and it will hurt your relationship with your YM. At the very least, continuing to react to her in this way will make life unpleasant for both you and your YM.

It might help if you try to imagine her as the mother-in-law-from-hell in a comedy, like "Everybody Loves Raymond." I don't think your YM will be comfortable with you professing your hate for his Mom, but the two of you can shake your heads and laugh at her outrageous comments.

Chatter, you took the words right out of my mouth...and said it even better than I could.

My own mom drives me nuts, and can be really difficult to be around, and I'm her loving daughter. I know it has been tough for BF's of mine to be around her. Still, if my BF said he really doesn't like my mom, I'd be hurt and offended. Doesn't make sense, but that's the way it is.

BUT, that said, I can fully appreciate joking about her behaviour and words when we are alone together. I guess I just expect my partner to like my family because they are my family, regardless of their behaviour. The same goes for my BF's family. Regardless of what they think of me and what they might say, I do love them, because they are a part of him.

I guess what makes this situation seem like a gordian knot that can not be untied and solved, is that my bf works for his parents RE company.
He is around his Mother constantly.
The apron strings will not be untied any time soon.
We talked tonight and I sensed a distinct lack of enthusiasm in his voice.
He is usually so happy, gung ho and upbeat with me.
He told me that his Mother has specific criteria of whom she'd be happy with him dating and marrying.
A girl who is 23-27. Has a graduate degree or is working towards one. (phd or masters or j.d or med degrees)
A girl from a two parent family.

Since Im an entrepreneur, from a divorced family and over 30 she dislikes me.

I can be just as mercenary as his Mother is. Its very simple.
Although I love him and think he's the best, I will not idly stand by if he continues to let his Mother's attitude influence him one jot.

Im a savvy girl and I will break it off, if this pattern continues.

He told me that his Mother has specific criteria of whom she'd be happy with him dating and marrying.

Uh, oh, selkie....my exym's mom was EXACTLY like this (and he worked in his family business during the last year of our relationship too). The working together plus the constant negative input about my unsuitability eventually led to our demise...in the end he told me he was a "coward" and just couldn't stand up to his family's judgment any more (we had been together for 3+ years by then...but only the last year with constant negativity from mom, which proved too much).

He was from a family that was extremely cloistered in their "religion" and dictates of it's "prophets" which smile on marrying young and having tons of kids (for eternity, actually is what they believe). Well, that wasn't me:eek: . His mom "won" in the end, and I knew it was over when he started becoming distant, etc.

I sure hope that's not what's happening here with you and your ym...but a bond with family/mom/family values and dictates is very hard to fight against...especially if the ym is physically still linked (working in the company,etc.)

I wish you the best, honey...I know it feels crummy right now and confusing.

I can be just as mercenary as his Mother is. Its very simple.

That's the spirit!

He's Jewish and his Mother is his sounding blocking. His Alpha and Omega.
:(
We have only been together several months and are still in the fun stage.
What a damper this has thrown on everything.

Maybe Alpha and Omega needs to be keeping him warm at night.

If this is the "fun stage," then I want out!

if his mother is his alpha and omega as you said, then why are you with him? . . . (snippet cut out). . . its up to him to set the guidelines on how his family is to behave around you.

i was terribly offended by my father in law, my husband took care of it and he would not dare say anything ugly about our relationship anymore.

i have a 20 year gap.

my husband is second to my alpha and omega, (God first) but we have boundries with people, if the relationship is too young to have this criteria now then talk to your boyfriend and see how he see the future.

communication is the key to every successful relationship, we dont know your man like you do, talk to the guy and see where he stands on his mother issue.

Kittylane is (MUCH) more benevolent than I am. At this point I wouldn’t be willing to talk to him about "where he stands on his mother issue." I'd be asking who it is that he want's to sleep with at night. Actually, I wouldn't ask; I think he's answered that question.

Boundary establishment, as Kittylane alluded to, is a complex process. This is what separates the adult from the adolescent. Where parents are concerned, some people never achieve adulthood.

A girl who is 23-27. Has a graduate degree or is working towards one. (phd or masters or j.d or med degrees)
A girl from a two parent family.

Since Im an entrepreneur, from a divorced family and over 30 she dislikes me.

I can be just as mercenary as his Mother is. Its very simple.
Although I love him and think he's the best, I will not idly stand by if he continues to let his Mother's attitude influence him one jot.

Im a savvy girl and I will break it off, if this pattern continues.

If you were of an age between 23-27, had a J.D., AND an M.D. AND a Ph.D., and came from over 100 generations of two parent families, she would still have a problem with you. Why? This isn't about you; it's about him. If he's not ready to own his life (and you as a part of it), you can't make it happen. He has to cut the apron strings. You cannot do that for him.

What are his academic credentials, BTW? I haven't met many realtors with a "graduate degree." The profession is a good one, but it doesn't demand academic achievement. I have a master's degree - what does that get me? A fullfilling job that pays poorly, oh, and if I get tired of academia, Taco H3ll is always hiring.

This isn’t an issue between you and his mother. This is your young male's issue with his mother (definitely) and with both of his parents potentially.

Please don't reduce yourself to the level of his mother. You're better than that. If your young male doesn't want you that much, let HIM go. He doesn't deserve you.

As far as the baby issue goes, I say "Fertility, schmertility." My mother was 36 when I was born 42 YEARS AGO. My sister was 43 when she gave birth to her youngest - five years ago. The actress Adrienne Barbeau gave birth to twins at age 51 (in 1997). By these standards, you are still a prime spring chicken. Not that I am the least bit biased about such things. :D

Then again, does your young male even WANT children?

He could have drawn a line in the sand with his mother already, like Kittylane's hubby did with his father. The ball is in his court now.

If he hesitates, I wouldn't - I'd go.

Then again, does your young male even WANT children?




We both want 3 kids.

Im a tough cookie. Even if Im crying inside, I will bring this to a head and not let the situation get worse.
His Dad has been fawning over me, so perhaps that made his Mother hate me more.
His Dad waved away the age question and said I have a timeless beauty and will probably turn heads at 80. And then added that if my bf had nt brought it up first he wouldve never guessed otherwise.
And then his Dad let it slip that my BF's Mother thought I was 25-26 until my BF told her otherwise.
Dont know why he spilled the beans. Too early to do that.

I should be asleep now, but am pondering what to do.

The working-toward-a-jd thing reminded me of a joke/saying a close Jewish friend of mine told me once. He said it is a well-known saying that a Jewish parent believes of their child:

If your child is brilliant, he becomes a doctor.
If your child is of average intelligence, he becomes an attorney.
But if your child is mentally deficient, he must be an accountant!



Did I mention that before he became (gasp! horror!) Messianic, my friend was an accountant?

:p

This is not a wife that you can wrestle him away from and win the contest - this is his Mom. More importantly, whether it's a wife or a Mom, if you can force a man to choose between you and someone he loves, he's no prize so you ain't winnin' much.

Conversely, if you help him stand up to his Mother, you're making him a better person. Not that it's your role to be babysitter...just sayin'...

Let's face it, we've all known moms who are hags. She needs to be put in her place. If he won't do it, he gets what he deserves.

Conversely, if you help him stand up to his Mother, you're making him a better person. Not that it's your role to be babysitter...just sayin'...

Let's face it, we've all known moms who are hags. She needs to be put in her place. If he won't do it, he gets what he deserves.


I have no interest in trying to make someone a man, but if a woman can get a guy to do this to his Mom, I think she'll get what she deserves - a boy who couldn't stand up to his Mom until someone told him what to do, who becomes a boy who can't stand up to his girlfriend/wife. She could end up with a boy for the rest of her life or he could be easy pickins for the next woman who comes along to tell him what to do.

*Note: I use the term "boy" to mean someone who needs people to tell him what to do, as in a personality type, not a chronological age.

Edit add: You cannot make someone grow a backbone. You can only manipulate him/her to do what you want instead of what someone else wants. If that's what you want, fine, if not, be prepared because that's what you're going to get.

Edit add: You cannot make someone grow a backbone. You can only manipulate him/her to do what you want instead of what someone else wants. If that's what you want, fine, if not, be prepared because that's what you're going to get.


It's strange because my BF has such a strong personality otherwise. He has no problem being very firm and steady otherwise.
He tried to make me feel better by saying his Mother has picked up apart everyone he has ever dated and it is kind of embarassing.
He said he shouldnt have spit out my age to her and he is sorry for the discomfort it caused.
He said that if we do get engaged (eek what a word to bring up) or married that he wont let her upset me and she would ned to honor his caring for me.
Im just going to try and spend time with him, not his family or his Mother for a good while.

Of course you can't make someone grow a backbone. Here the OP is saying this guy is strong in everything else except for his Mom. With the proper support, he could be strong with Mom as well.

Sounds like a great family to get involved with!! This is how you find out the difference between a boy & a man. And Pops checkin' ye out!! NICE!! :eek:

He tried to make me feel better by saying his Mother has picked up apart everyone he has ever dated and it is kind of embarassing.

Maybe it's not just that he's trying to make you feel better. Several of us predicted this even before you told us it was the case. It sounds like he's at least intellectually aware of the game his mother is playing, and may have more of a backbone about her than many of us have assumed. Your question may come down to whether YOU want to be involved in a relationship with somebody whose mother doesn't approve of you because she won't approve of ANY woman her precious son chooses.

And by the way, I don't necessarily agree with DaBollocks about "Pops checkin' ye out." It sounds like this guy may be well aware of what a b***h his wife has been with everybody their son has ever dated, and that the son is NEVER going to find anybody who meets with his mother's approval, and that he's trying to give his son some encouragement to ignore his mother and make his own decisions.

The more I read about others reactions to the ow/ym relationship, the more I'm convinced that people are idiots. These so called well meaning people, make it worse for everyone with their attitudes. She's his mom, so you are going to have to deal with her. For heaven's sake, don't fight with her, it will just give her more ammunition to throw at you. I've had all kinds of cow dung hurled at me over my ow/ym romance (now currently over) and it's never easy. But as long as both of you take it with a few grains of salt and no one wants to leave over it, you should be okay. Just really frustrated. :(

Ali

BTW, I was 44 and my ym was 22 when we dated, so your six year age gap is negligible in my opinion.

Oh, for the love of god!! You guys only have a 7-ish year difference and you are still VERY young.

I could see if you were 50 and he was 18 (no offense to those with that AG, just a more dramatic example) having a hard time with it, but PLEEEZ! I know women your age who are just getting married and talking kids. (A lady in my office is 36 and has a 1 year old and is planning more.) I thought everyone knew that 36 is the new 26, LOL!

And 29 is no "BABY" on his part, either!! Most men I know (my age) were already married with kids by that age.

I'm 39 and just had a baby with my 26 year old fiance.

His Mom has to get over herself. :rolleyes:

It's strange because my BF has such a strong personality otherwise. He has no problem being very firm and steady otherwise.
He tried to make me feel better by saying his Mother has picked up apart everyone he has ever dated and it is kind of embarassing.
He said he shouldnt have spit out my age to her and he is sorry for the discomfort it caused.
He said that if we do get engaged (eek what a word to bring up) or married that he wont let her upset me and she would ned to honor his caring for me.
Im just going to try and spend time with him, not his family or his Mother for a good while.


He sees the two of you as a unit and he cares that his Mom hurt your feelings: that's good news!

Just to clarify, my comments about growing a backbone were in response to other posts. I don't think that a man who is tolerant of his mother's shortcomings is spineless. I think he loves her and accepts her as she is. I know that I am in the minority here, (*waves at CabinFever*) but if you love him, you'll do the same and he'll do the same for your family AND you! :)

Yes you heard me right Im older then my mans mother..He is 19 almost 20 and IM 41..When we first met it was strange and new to me..I have never in my life had so much in common with one man nor a person..we finish each others thoughts, love all the same things, you name it..its almost as if im looking in a mirror. Now mind you my family has accepted him ful force my kids age 20 and 21 love him!
His sister loves me to pieces and I her. However the other day his father mother and him got into a huge full fledge fight over me. He finally told them look I love her you may not understand this but I am with her she is moving her and Im going to go see her for 3 months next month. You may not think it is love but trust me I have had life experiances most dont go through at my age ( he has been through some serious hell..no details tis private of course) His father tried to say that he got married at 19 it failed..He then told his father I am not you nor do I wish to be you. I choose to be me..I wish you would respect this and get to know her before you choose to judge her. His father wanted to talk with me.
Kai (my sweetie) asked if i wanted to I said sure. I said hello sir he said wtf are your intentions with my son..I told him how i felt and what my intentions are. That i understand that this is confusing for him and he may not agree BUT love sees no color nor age we do not choose whom we love that love chooses for us. He was very cool then said okay I look forward to meeting you I said same here that Kai talks about you and says wonderful things...
HIS MOTHER HOWEVER...whom i am one year older is repulsed and i make her ill...He told her last night mom I love you..BUT this is my life if you think its a mistake so be it..BUT if it is a mistake it will be mine NOT yours..TO me she is NOT a mistake she is my soulmate and I am not willing to sacrifice anything to lose her...either you accept it or you dont..it wont change the fact that I plan on marrying her (BAM i fell over as I had no clue ..WOOT) as of today though she is dealing with it..and knows im moving asked him have i checked out the visa laws he said yes mom we did the research already she said good...and I was welcome to stay there till we are on our feet...We are working on getting our place...he has money works hard as well as i do... later on she was caught telling her friend only a ***** would sleep with someone like that..that i was taking advantage of her poor baby...He told her mom IM THE ONE WHO PURSUED HER..she had nothing to say after that...
I will hold my head high and one day maybe she will totally accept me..patience and if she does not then i will still respect her love her son and we will have a beautiful life:o :o

I am happy to report that my bf made a stand with his Mother last night and his Father helped back him up.
Maybe she hates me even more now, but I'm not going to stop being polite and cordial to her.
I have a steely will when I want to.
I will smile and feign warmness until the cows come home.
Damn I really like this man.
He has plenty of boyish charm left in him and I've got a girlish spirit, but we are both adults and evenly matched.
I've got that tight feeling in my chest and a lump in my throat.
I'm an independent girl, but I'm starting to fall.................... :o

I am happy to report that my bf made a stand with his Mother last night and his Father helped back him up.
Maybe she hates me even more now, but I'm not going to stop being polite and cordial to her.
I have a steely will when I want to.
I will smile and feign warmness until the cows come home.
Damn I really like this man.
He has plenty of boyish charm left in him and I've got a girlish spirit, but we are both adults and evenly matched.
I've got that tight feeling in my chest and a lump in my throat.
I'm an independent girl, but I'm starting to fall.................... :o

Mine has made a stand with his mom to..so I can relate 100% at this time I repluse her QUOTE UNQUOTE. He tried talking to her and she rips him..he told her mom you either deal with it or dont..your choice..however she is first in my life now and I love her...you dont except her fine..but you will NOT disrespect her in front of me again. SHE WAS SO MAD OMG!! I swear flames shot out...I was not there of course to witness this ..but i could hear the screaming and cussing...he was calm she however was a raging bullheaded person.

he had dated this one older gal whom treated him like dirt *per sisters convo and his* and his mom LOVED her..why cause she was rich materialistic and young.
Somedays i cry about it cause it does hurt. BUT im still kind to her have nothing rude to say about her...she and I have yet to talk as she refuses..but patience is what i have..she cant once say i was ever rude to her. His father is scared to talk to me again in fear he might really truly like me..My YM overheard his father tell his mom..dear she really is a sweet person and well spoken..nice manners..his mom said shut up your making me want to vomit.
I am as I said one year older then her..but all I want to do is love her son..is this such a crime..i think not

SO hold your head high girl IM ROOTING YOU ON!! one day maybe our YM moms will like us!