Hurt and confused...

Note: this is a long post.

I'm back posting after a couple of years - I need a place to vent and start soothing my broken heart. The "condensed" background.....I'm 53, he's 32...we had been a couple for 6 years, but didn't live together. I had a better connection with him that I did with my ex-husband (who I was with for almost 25 years). We truly loved each other (or so I/we thought), enjoyed each other's company, had a surprising number of common interests.

In late September he decided he didn't know what he wanted....he felt envious that both his siblings were married and one had children. He loved me but wasn't sure he could close the door on a family of his own. So we split....of course he gave me the "but I still love you and want to be friends" speech....which seemed ok at the time, but it soon became apparent that being friends was going to be WAY too hard for me.

My heart was shattered....I had all the joy sucked right out of my life. I know it sounds pathetic to allow a man to have that power, but I truly loved this man and losing him was like losing any other loved one...it hurt, and it hurt badly. All those physical symptoms of loss expressed by others in this forum applied to me....I cried incessantly, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't even brush my teeth without gagging, lost 20 pounds in two months (which would have been a positive thing, except I didn't need to lose weight). To compound the stress, my mom has health issues and a limited life expectancy.

Then the story gets complicated. We had some limited contact and each of us was having huge problems getting over the other. He was second guessing himself....had he made a mistake, why couldn't he be happy having someone who he loved, who was his rock, his best friend, even if it meant he wouldn't have children of his own (btw, I had never said I was not open to children, either through adoption, surrogacy, or IVF). Anyway, he agreed to try a joint counselling session to find a way for us to emotionally distance ourselves and help us separate.

I received a call (before the counselling session was set up) on a Monday that he needed to see me....so we met and to my absolute shock (and I have to admit, to my absolute delight), he poured out his soul and told me he'd made a decision. He loved me and, in spite of the fact that we wouldn't have children, I was the one he wanted.....he wanted us to get back together, he wanted us to move in together, and if that went well, he wanted to marry me. He wanted to wake up with me every morning, he wanted us to share our lives together. Well, what woman in her right mind wouldn't be ecstatic? I sure was, since I had not expected this turn of events at all.

Coincidentally, the counsellor telephoned to set up the appointment as I was on my way to meet my ex-bf. I told him that the counsellor had phoned and that an appointment was set up, and he agreed that we would go, but that the intent might be different than we had originally planned.

My joy lasted exactly 5 days. We met again on Friday to decide how to approach the conselling session, and that's when my world fell apart for the second time in 2 months. He was having anxiety attacks and was terrified about his decision. He was back to not knowing what he wanted. While I'd like to say he has commitment issues (I think that does play a part in it though, because he has previously exhibited indecisiveness in other areas of his life), I suspect he's still wrestling with the whole age-gap aspect of the relationship, and the "family of his own" issue. We did attend the counselling session, and he now has a time limit set to make a final decision so we're not stuck in limbo. The counsellor advised each of us to seek individual counselling.....for him to determine what it is he really wants out of life and why he can't make a decision.....for me to determine whether I want to continue the relationship if he decides that's what he wants.

I am seeing a counsellor. Since he and I have not had contact since the joint counselling session, I don't know whether or not he is working on his issues or not. My counsellor, after hearing my side of our story, thinks that I may have to be the one who decides the fate of this relationship...i.e. how many times am I willing to put myself through this pain before I say enough is enough, and I also have to decide whether he is really worth all this pain and anxiety. So I'm working on my issues....and waiting for New Year's Day (the deadline for his decision).

I alternate between hope and despair....between wanting him back and wanting him to drop off the face of the earth. I'm managing much better than I was in September and October, but his unexpected declaration of love in November, followed so quickly by his indecisiveness, has hurt and confused me. Has anyone else experienced anything like this??? If so, what did you do...how did you cope?

Sorry for the long post, but I really, really, really needed to vent.

GoldDust...wow, I am so sorry that you are going through this terrible indecision-period and the pain of it all. I was there in 2003, at almost this exact time of the year (many women here and I have speculated that there seems to be something about fall/early winter with men and wanting to walk away from relationships:( ).

I cried non stop, I lost the weight, I couldn't sleep.

In July 2003 my ym and I went to Paris together. When we returned to the states, he said he loved me more than ever, wanted to marry me as soon as possible, etc. (we'd been together for 3.5 years at that point...but known each other well for about 8...he was ENGRAINED in my life to say the least).

In August, he was "confused". He had outside pressure from his family, and it was getting to him after all that time. He started distancing behavior, and my gut told me things were going down hill.

At the very beginning of September, he decided that he had just gone through a "decision making phase" and apologized for being distant, reiterating that he adored me and wanted me to be his wife! Three weeks later, he told me he just couldn't really see us together down the road (age difference and all)...after all that time "KNOWING" I was the one for him, now he didn't.

We made an appt. to see a counselor exactly for the same reasons you did: to ease the breakup for us. We both showed up separately and he handed me a peach smoothie he'd picked up for me on the way (he always got me peach smoothies as a suprise:( ) During the session K said he wanted to remain friends...I said I couldn't do that emotionally. Then he said, "Karen, you will have to help me stay away from you because I know I'll want to come back."

The counselor said, "That is not her job, K, that's yours if you are sure about leaving her life." He cried, I cried...he said he wasn't sure...

We left broken hearted...in the parking lot I patted him on the back and said "Have a nice life". It seemed flip, but I couldn't come up with anything else. I felt like I'd invested SO MUCH OF MY LOVE AND HEART into this young man, and now he was walking away.

It all sucked...it took me 10+ months to be able to breathe again, to sleep through the night without my heart racing and waking me up, to be able to even think about dating for real. I coped by redirecting/reworking my entire life since he was in every aspect of my past life. I changed my physical appearance (cut and colored my hair, bought new outfits -hey, I was skinny now because of this!); I enrolled in a book-writing class (and subsequently wrote a 300+ page book about our entire relationship as therapy for me to help understand the "why" of it all); I had to fire him (he worked as an independent-contractor for me, teaching at the dance studio I owned...I couldn't bear to see him every day without throwing up. My therapist told me I needed to fire him to allow myself to heal); I went out whether I wanted to or not: put my profile up on a dating site, and got a lot of emails/dates from men of all ages (helped a bit with the squashed ego that told me daily I wasn't desirable any more); I pampered myself with everything from bubble baths to manicures trying to rekindle healthy doses of self-love/value; I saw a therapist for 6 months...she helped me walk through all the stages of abandonment to totally heal; I had no contact with him after we didn't work together any more (except for a couple of meetings to sign-off on a safety deposit box we shared, etc...VERY TENSE MEETINGS...that's why I warn others not to intertwine yourself legally with your ym <co signing, sharing legal decisions on paper, owning things together, etc.> UNLESS HE MARRIES YOU); I apologized to all my girlfriends for virtually ignoring them for 3 years while my ym and I were together, and then hung out with them like crazy..."Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love." Jane Austin); I came here and vented!

After 6 months, my therapist said, "You're done!" I was starting to feel whole again.

I met my current ymbf 11 months after the breakup....and I'm so glad I did.

Amazingly, my exym has re-entered my life as a friend by emailing me. We have met up (and he actually works for me again part time!) and there is real closure now....but it all sucked for a long time.

I wish you the best, and if you want to pm me, please do.. . I totally know where you are coming from. You will make it.

Best,
Karen

Thank you special K and allyheart....I appreciate that you took the time to help. This is a tough time for me....just when I was starting to make progress without him, he decided to spring his declaration of love on me, and then basically rescind it....my emotions are all over the map. Some days I'm fine and think I'd never want him back, other days I miss him so desperately that it physically hurts.

special K...thanks for your words of sympathy and encouragement. Your response means a lot to me, and gives me some measure of hope that I will emerge from this relatively unscathed.

allyheart...thanks for sharing your perspective. You're so lucky that you'll be with the one you love.

GoldDust --

Break ups like that just suck. I met my wife several months after one of the worst break ups I'd ever experienced. :eek: She was in a similar spot and neither one of us wanted anything to do with dating. That excess caution let us really take our time and the rest is history. :D Sometime bad splits do lead to good things, so keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other. . . Lots of us rooting for you!;)

scott

With a guy 43 to my 31. This is not age gap IMHO! He's commitment shy, and if it weren't you, it would someone else, any age. Do NC and take care of YOU! He may be out of your life neway, except to wrangle thru guilt over leaving you. Don't stick around for that! It's not fair to you.
Ali

i am sorry for your pain, i have a similiar age gap marriage and i dont want more children, my youngest grandson is sleeping in my bed at the moment, it truly is a shame when a person gives up what they have for an expectation on something in the future that is uncertain and unknown.

children are wonderful, but tremendous work and responsibility, i hope he made the right choice by him.

in the mean time, i feel for you and i wish you the best.

It all sucked...it took me 10+ months to be able to breathe again, to sleep through the night without my heart racing and waking me up, to be able to even think about dating for real. I coped by redirecting/reworking my entire life since he was in every aspect of my past life. I changed my physical appearance (cut and colored my hair, bought new outfits -hey, I was skinny now because of this!); I enrolled in a book-writing class (and subsequently wrote a 300+ page book about our entire relationship as therapy for me to help understand the "why" of it all); I had to fire him (he worked as an independent-contractor for me, teaching at the dance studio I owned...I couldn't bear to see him every day without throwing up. My therapist told me I needed to fire him to allow myself to heal); I went out whether I wanted to or not: put my profile up on a dating site, and got a lot of emails/dates from men of all ages (helped a bit with the squashed ego that told me daily I wasn't desirable any more); I pampered myself with everything from bubble baths to manicures trying to rekindle healthy doses of self-love/value; I saw a therapist for 6 months...she helped me walk through all the stages of abandonment to totally heal; I had no contact with him after we didn't work together any more (except for a couple of meetings to sign-off on a safety deposit box we shared, etc...VERY TENSE MEETINGS...that's why I warn others not to intertwine yourself legally with your ym <co signing, sharing legal decisions on paper, owning things together, etc.> UNLESS HE MARRIES YOU); I apologized to all my girlfriends for virtually ignoring them for 3 years while my ym and I were together, and then hung out with them like crazy..."Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love." Jane Austin); I came here and vented!



Karen you are one smart chick !
Im saving that list in case I need it.
:o

If you do see him again make sure to let him know that it was a cheap cop-out to assume that you wouldn't want any more children.

So sorry that you are going through this.

This is not age gap IMHO! He's commitment shy, and if it weren't you, it would someone else, any age. Do NC and take care of YOU! He may be out of your life neway, except to wrangle thru guilt over leaving you. Don't stick around for that! It's not fair to you.
Ali

Ali is right on.

No one needs that cr*p.

Thanks to all of you who took the time to reply to my post (it was so long I'm surprised anyone took the time to read it ;) )

I'm trying to go on, one day at a time. The Christmas season is hard ... when I'm doing my shopping, I keep seeing things I think he'd like, and then remind myself that he's not with me anymore. I went to my company's Christmas party alone this year. I had wonderful people at my table, but it just wasn't the same as it would have been if he'd been with me.

I'm overcompensating to convince everyone that I'm fine, that I'm moving on, that it's over. None of that is true....I'm counting down the minutes until my next counselling session. I can't tell anyone about the night that he declared that I was the one he wanted...I'm too embarrassed because I truly believed him and that makes me look pathetic, and if I did tell anyone about that night, it would make him look like a total jerk (ok, ok...I can hear the collective shouts "SO WHAT IF THEY THINK HE'S A JERK").

I'm trying to put one foot in front of the other, put my cheerful mask on, and move forward, but it is SOOO hard to do. I know that time heals all wounds, and that a broken heart isn't fatal, but when you're in the thick of it, it's hard to believe.

Thanks again to all of you!!

I can't tell anyone about the night that he declared that I was the one he wanted...I'm too embarrassed because I truly believed him and that makes me look patheticVery few people in life have escaped without rejection. People who are supportive and care about you, would know that this is about HIM and not about WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON. They have gone through times like this also.

The day before you two became a couple, you were a wonderful, loving, attractive, smart woman. Nothing that you have done has changed that. Remember that woman you were when everything was OKAY. She is still inside you. Don't let her down, by putting her down.

Take as long as you need to regroup and recover. But don't let HIM or his behavior, determine your opinion of yourself. Agree? :)

GD-- give yourself a big hug from all of us. It's all right. Eventually it will be like, "it's all goooooood." Time to dive into that hobby or work you've always wanted to do. Time for a change for a little while. It's not like you're alone here.

Thanks yellowrose and econ. I'm trying to take care of myself. I've rejoined the gym, spend time with friends, am concentrating on Christmas preparations, and have plans for New Years Eve. It's tough to do, but I'm trying to put on my happy face and take one day at a time. Some days are awful, some days are ok. As much as I miss him, he's the one turning his back on a vibrant, dynamic, smart woman for a shot at the great unknown. I just have to keep reminding myself that he's the one who has the issues. His loss.

I just have to keep reminding myself that he's the one who has the issues. His loss.

/agree

100%

The day before you two became a couple, you were a wonderful, loving, attractive, smart woman. Nothing that you have done has changed that. Remember that woman you were when everything was OKAY. She is still inside you. Don't let her down, by putting her down.


Very powerful advice, indeed.

Originally Posted by yellowrose
The day before you two became a couple, you were a wonderful, loving, attractive, smart woman. Nothing that you have done has changed that. Remember that woman you were when everything was OKAY. She is still inside you. Don't let her down, by putting her down.

That is powerful advice!!