The Strength of Two

I'm not a pretty woman.

Most of my life I've known that I'm not, though I've often longed to be. I've been blessed with friends who have beauty of features as well as intelligence and wit and I've occasionally envied their physical attributes. I'm not unkempt or diseased. My features just seem to not really fit together smoothly. My face is too round, my eyes too large, but I have skin that is without blemish and the softest you will ever touch.

Life is easier in many ways for pretty people. That's very well documented. Being what is politely termed 'plain' I never have had the experience of getting off with a warning instead of a traffic ticket or being waved to the head of a line. On the flip side I've also never really worried about how age will affect my looks.

I've never lacked for romantic partners over the years, but I have known that I've been automatically excluded from consideration by many because of my appearance.

One wonder of the Internet is that people can get to know you without the preconception of visual cues. If you let them, they can see who and what you really are inside without all the baggage attached of your appearance. If you are brave enough they can see your soul.

Society puts a premium on beauty and here at Ageless I see many times how important it is for the women here to be thought of as sexy and beautiful. The rest of the world is certainly much kinder to those in age gap relationships where the older partner is very attractive. It seems as if that is much more understandable how they could happen.

I'm sure that Demi Moore is a very smart woman. She may be warm hearted, generous and a humanitarian. But to most of society it's understandable that Ashton fell for her because she's hot.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate beauty as much as the next person. I just don't happen to feel it should be the defining criteria.

This all comes up as an issue for me because of something that happened over the weekend.

A friend was visiting from out of town. His estranged mother lives in the same city I do and he decided to try to make peace with her and come to visit. He is the one who introduced me to my current love. My guy is his best friend. My guy is 25 and his friend is 27.

At one point he invited me to come to the mall to see him and meet his mother. The meeting went pleasantly enough but I found out later that his mother said a lot of horrid things after I left. She apparently thought my friend was interested in me and spent a lot of time criticizing my age and especially my looks. My friend ended up fighting with his mother over this and I ended up feeling bad after I found out about it.

Yes, I know his mother was not nice for what she did. I know that much of it probably stemmed from the fact that I know her son better than she does and he was obviously at ease with me. But that aside, I know my guy will have to put up with a lot of stuff. I believe in the end all that 'stuff' is part of what destroyed my relationship with my previous younger partner. I love the man I am with now and any things others may say to hurt him, hurts me.

I am keenly aware that I need to stop caring. If I let it eat away at me it will eventually damage my relationship.

But I never want to cause him pain because of me. Especially about something I cannot change.

Eventually the only way to last in any relationship is to be stronger together than you are separately. I'm lucky that my guy is incredible and he makes me feel I can tackle anything. I try to make sure he feels the same. I just have to trust that he loves me for me and although I'm sure he would like it if I were a bit of eye candy, I fell in love with his soul and I trust that is the part of me he finds beautiful.

Eventually the only way to last in any relationship is to be stronger together than you are separately. I'm lucky that my guy is incredible and he makes me feel I can tackle anything. I try to make sure he feels the same. I just have to trust that he loves me for me and although I'm sure he would like it if I were a bit of eye candy, I fell in love with his soul and I trust that is the part of me he finds beautiful.

This is the most important part of your post. I too fell in love on online and I thought of it in a very similar way. Our souls met and fell in love. Our physical appearances did not stand in the way though I'm fairly sure they would have if we had not met the way we did. I'm no beauty either and I'm morbidly obese as an extra bonus. My husband is on the edge of normal weight for a man at just 140 pounds. We could not be more of an odd couple if we set out on purpose to be one. I'm 38. He's 21. I'm 288 (but thats down from an all time high of 318 just 4 weeks ago :)) and he's 140. I don't doubt that we look odd as hell together. When our relationship was new, I did dwell on that a lot, but I have to say that I hardly ever think on it anymore. We love each other and our relationship works for us. Anyone that matters loves us, accepts us, and supports us. There is enough negativity in the world without embracing it in our own lives.

Cinnamon beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and like I always say, there is not an ugly woman out there, that can not work with what she got to enhance her beauty, the right hair cut/color, the right make up, the right clothes, but above all, the right smile.

But, having said that, please do not think that women that are "hot" as you have put it, have an easier time finding a partner. I believe I am presentable, educated, and with a good personality but then I think I intimidate the h**l out of men.

You sound like you got a great personality, but you are lacking a bit on self-esteem, so I suggest that you work on that. You are as beautiful as you believe you are, and remember beauty is not just physical appearance!

Please repeat after me, I AM A GODDESS, I AM A GODDESS, I AM A GODDESS, and then start to believe it. I went to a seminar years ago, where the facilitator told us, we were all women, that any time we enter a place, as we are going through the door, we need to repeat the above statement. Thus, I have and I believe I am a GODDESS! :D

Believe in yourself dear and do not let anyone bring you down.

You are beautiful, it shows in your writing! ;)

PS You may enjoy reading the following:

http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?t=29123

Cinnamon, the question is, do you want to be eye candy? Because, as ALTA said, you can be if you want to. One of my best friends is 53, looks 53, is overweight but she is one of the sexiest women I know because of the way she smiles and walks, her make-up and dresses.

Now if you do not want to be eye candy on general principles, that is ok too. The most important thing is to be true to yourself, and as ALTA says, smile, and be your Goddess.

what wonderful posts ladies!!

cinnamon... be the best you can be! that is all any of us can do...and from your post, we all can tell you shine girl!!!!

I'm good enough!! I'm smart enough!! & gosh darn it, people like me!! HONK!!:p :D

"You are beautiful in every single way, WORDS can't bring you down!" - song by Christina A.

:-) You are eye candy to your sweetie. Yes, you are!

Repeat after me:
* I deserve to be happy and successful
* I have the power to change myself
* I can choose happiness whenever I wish no matter what my circumstances
* I am flexible and open to change in every aspect of my life
* I act with confidence having a general plan and accept plans are open to
alteration
* It is enough to have done my best
* I deserve to be loved

Eventually the only way to last in any relationship is to be stronger together than you are separately. I'm lucky that my guy is incredible and he makes me feel I can tackle anything. I try to make sure he feels the same. I just have to trust that he loves me for me and although I'm sure he would like it if I were a bit of eye candy, I fell in love with his soul and I trust that is the part of me he finds beautiful

Well, Cinnamon...this is absolutely one of the most BEAUTIFUL paragraphs that I have ever read here on ageless. It is articulate, and it is true.

In the end, we all hope we are loved for our soul because it is the only component in us that remains stable (and beautiful) in spite of aging, disfiguring accidents, etc.

Your friend's mom sounds like a negative, person burdened with self-hate...perhaps the reason she and your friend were estranged for years, I'd bet.

You are a gem, and you are loved by one as well. I wish you both the best:)

I'm not a pretty woman.
My features just seem to not really fit together smoothly. My face is too round, my eyes too large, but I have skin that is without blemish and the softest you will ever touch.



if you have big eyes and skin without blemish (i should be so lucky! ;)) then you are pretty!!

my features don't fit together either but...that's what i like about myself! who needs perfect symmetry anyway...boring!!! :D

i don't believe in ugly and I'm sure if i saw you I'd think you were pretty.

I've had guys be embarrassed of me, not walk next to me when we were out, not take me out because they were embarrassed of me...i know where you're coming from.

you know what, f*** anyone who rejects you on the basis of your appearance. i am not talking about a discussion of "you can't help who you're attracted to etc., and attraction is an important part of a relationship etc.," I'm talking about the jerks that dismiss anyone because they're not pretty enough. believe me, I've had my share of rejection and then some!

what is pretty? what is beautiful? i don't think it's what the media or even the Greek ideal tells us it is.

i was in love in my 20's with a guy who had a club foot and was balding in his early 20's. (he was a little younger than I)
he will always be one of the most gorgeous guys i have ever dated, although society might have called him less than beautiful.

you are beautiful and if anyone is giving you attitude about your appearance you don't need them!
((hugs))

When I was in my 20's I had a friend who wasn't very pretty and wore orthopedic shoes. She had clubbed feet and walked with an extreme limp. She'd always comment about how fortunate I was because I was pretty and how the guys always seemed attracted to me. I remember telling her one night that I would trade places with her any day. The truth is....I never really knew then if a guy wanted to go out with me because of how I looked (ie..wanted a trophy by his side...or was just looking to see if he could score). She was more fortunate than I because she had real friendships with guys who really liked her for who she was on the inside and who usually didn't have ulterior motives.

Sounds to me like your guy is really blessed to have such a classy and respectable woman by his side. I'm sure the two of you will rise above the negativity. All relationships go thru tests ....and this may just be one of many for the two of you...The sacredness and surety of what you share together will likely endure and grow. This is what real relationships are made of...good times and not so good times...And as my mama used to say..."What doesn't destroy your relationship will only make it STRONGER!!" Keep your head up...and keep posting.

DEE

Very, very interesting post. Insightful.

Cinammon, thankyou for a very poignant and thought provoking post. The last paragraph of your post truly nails the essence of a good relationship. I'm not sure that together you are really any stronger, but together makes it so much easier to tolerate the bad stuff that life dishes out.

Bravo for your friend standing up for you! What is it with mothers that they feel they must pass judgement on the woman who makes their son happy. I realize your friend's mother made the assumption that you were the object of her son's affection, but she was still WAY out of line.

I to met my fiancee online he is 19 im 41 Im not no skinny mini (210 5 foot 9) he is 184 6 ft 2 we have soo much in common emotional intellect and communication WOW..we fell hard in love...he made the comment is it not better to have the emotional all of that before the physical..i had to agree if you dont have communication and things in common it wont work..we not fought one time...lugh hard omg funnnn and cryign love times you name it...now he is coming to see me for 3 months and im moving with him...
I must say it was the smartest comments i have heard anyone make in a long time..to many people base physical over the other...if we had more of the other it would not matter and less problems with love and staying together! :p

that was/is one of the most insightful and beautiful posts i've seen in quite a while....you echoed how i've felt most of my life so eloquently, thank you. reading it made me feel better.
my best to you. may your blessings be too numerous to count. :)

Tracy

I really want to thank everyone for their kind replies.

I know that beautiful women have an entire different set of problems. I'm a great admirer of beauty and I have known a number of women who although not classically beautiful still make you turn your head and stare.

I once had a friend who had been very overweight and rather frumpy. Her husband cheated on her and she blamed those factors. She worked very hard, lost weight and turned herself into a stunningly gorgeous woman.

She ended up being cheated on again.

I will never forget her sitting there and telling me that "it's no different". She had worked hard to change herself physically and she still had the same problems. Watching her heartache taught me there is no magic cure.

We all have our own insecurities and personal demons.

Cinnamon....


Beauty (true, real and deep) comes from within. From only reading your post, I can tell you are a drop dead gorgeous person. Any man should be so lucky to have an insightful, thoughtful, beautiful woman such as yourself on his arm.

Beauty on the outside, though in a lot of ways can make life easier, isn't what is the most important. Sounds like you have beauty on the outside too...blemish free skin? I've been trying to accomplish that feat for 38 years. Now, without the help of plastic surgery, just not happening for me.

I've been through some pretty rough times in my life, and I could post some pics of me that would make your jaw drop when you compare them to my avatar. I'm NOT the same person on the outside at all. What made those changes? The way I project myself. My confidence has changed, and I have some self esteem now. You would be amazed at how your inside can change your outside. Sounds to me like you don't need to do any changing at all though.

Having a great personality and joie de vivre truly enhances a woman's physical appearance. If I were given a bunch of photographs of women, none of whom I knew, or knew anything of them, and asked to rate them in order of attractiveness, I'd probably largely follow the classical standards of beauty. On the other hand, I've been attracted to plenty of women in real life who wouldn't be considered beauties in the classical (or hey, this is LA, Hollywood) sense. I first notice a woman's demeanor, carriage, manners, interests and so on. If she's great in these regards, even if she would look "plain" in a photo, I'd find her attractive and sexy.

When he tells me I'm beautiful, I believe him. Why? Because I know he believes me when I tell him that he is beautiful, and that he makes me happy. We can hear a hundred compliments but we always remember the single unkind word. If someone says he loves you, and shows you his love in a thousand little ways everyday, then forget the one unkind comment from someone who may not know what it means to be loved.

I once had a friend who had been very overweight and rather frumpy. Her husband cheated on her and she blamed those factors. She worked very hard, lost weight and turned herself into a stunningly gorgeous woman.

She ended up being cheated on again.
This is the point when you dump the guy and, taking advantage of your new looks, get yourself a gorgeous man who really appreciates you.

Your friend's mother needs a knock upside the head. You sound like a beautiful, intelligent, articulate, caring woman.

All-in-all: a wonderful catch. And apparently your guy thinks so...and you yourself said that you've never lacked for romantic partners so apparently there are loads of men out there that are/would be attracted to you.


I know that beautiful women have an entire different set of problems. ...

I once had a friend who had been very overweight and rather frumpy. Her husband cheated on her and she blamed those factors. She worked very hard, lost weight and turned herself into a stunningly gorgeous woman.

She ended up being cheated on again.


Beautiful women may have a few unique 'problems' but as you have pointed out with this story, most relationship problems are universal.

I'm totally aware of how trite this sounds but looks ain't everything, and you know it, girl.

Most of us have heard/seen the following joke. There's a poster up in a local bar of this beautiful Amazon woman in a jungle woman dress looking all powerful and hot, and the caption reads:

No matter how good she looks, some guy, somewhere, is sick of putting up with her sh*t.

On the way to a real relationship, for people with any depth, looks do not make up for a lack of substance.

I love people watching and I enjoy witnessing the beauty in all of the different women that go by. And I marvel at how narrow the definition of beauty is in some people's eyes.

Phenomenal Woman
Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Science Goddess, that is wonderful! Thank you so much for posting that.