Marriage Conversation

I may be wrong, but I have never considered marriage a subject that men are prone to joke around about, doing it I mean.

If a man is talking in more than general but less than specific terms do you think he is testing the waters? At what level do you involve yourself in the conversation without assuming they mean you and accidently using the words you and I?

I am not avoiding anything and would not be afraid to discuss it in concrete terms but just wondered if this is a way that men use to broach the subject to start a conversation.

I've never had it be in question. Weird that way, I guess.

My ex and I just always knew we were getting married and same for Jeremy and me. We both just kinda assumed that was going to be the next step.

Unfortunately, that results in a pretty anti-climatic engagement. We just went out and picked out a ring. I never was surprised with a proposal.

Now, saying "I love you" is a different matter.

But once that is settled, to me it's just a matter of fact that you intend to spend the rest of your lives together then.

christie,
This exact situation is happening in my relationship right now as well !!!
J brought up marriage first, about 6 months ago, in a totally hypothetical context. It kinda shocked me because I didn't think he was going to move in that direction at all, and I kind of blew it off:( Frankly, I was scared to entertain the idea because I wasn't ready at that point to BE married again.

Since then, he continues to talk about it...hypothetically, and I KNOW that in his case he IS feeling out the situation, saying things like: "guys say that when you get married, you can say goodbye to your chopper and regular sex..." AHEM!!! I just as hypothetically retort, "well that would not be my agenda as a wife..."
Really recently, he has been personalizing his marriage convo's a bit more, and even said that he's been thinking a lot about marrying me,etc....but it's taken about 6 months for him to be more straight forward. Interjection: we have talked about our "future" as being together, etc. for two years, but the "M" word only came up about 6 months ago, and he brought it up.

Here's the thing....my exhb and I just kind of flowed into talking about marriage, picked our rings together, etc. He never really proposed. I don't want to have it like that again (just me). I don't plan on having a wedding the second time around...maybe just a couple of friends and a brief ceremony at home or something. So, I'ld love to have a sweet proposal and great honeymoon instead! I guess I just don't want to make plans (in my heart or in real life) about a future with J unless I know HE is ready to make that permanent commitment. If he asks without any input from me, or initiation from me, then I feel really good about where he is... You know, like it was totally his idea and his initiation. Maybe it has something to do with the age gap, and wanting to be certain that marriage is HIS idea since he will have a whole set of different life-situations with an older partner.

Anyway, it sounds like your guy is where J was 6 months ago...slowly bringing up the subject hypothetically to kinda know what he'd be getting himself into:D I think he is definitely considering marrying you, and it's a matter of time before he feels comfortable to talk about it in personal terms. Be patient...keep it hypothetical as well, follow his lead there so that he never feels pressured, and it will happen. I think it's a way some guys come to terms with their own commitment level AND become confident to ask you knowing you'd say yes if they did (rejection of a marriage proposal would suck).

Its good to see this post, considering my latest post.......Where are we going.

My YM got the ring last year and made a promise that we would be wed by this time, however, he hasnt really made any plans nor does he mention marriage.
Last year he was full of "when we ger married", type conversations.
I was the quiet one. I really wasnt interested in changing the relationship, however, over this past year I've changed. I now want to be married. I look at our life and its like we're married. We're sharing our lives together just as any married couple would, he's even went far as changing his life insurance for me to benificiary . ...but yet no word of marriage.
I'm wearing the ring and not moving forward.

What do you do?

Say, "Okay, Hon, so when are we getting married? I need some time to buy a dress."

I am recently divorced. Probably because my YM heard mostly the downside of that relationship, he is in no hurry to jump into that comittment. He does get annoyed when I refer to my ex as my "husband". He reminds me that he is my "EX" and then jokes that I have a new husband now. He is the youngest of four children, and none of them have married. It just isn't part of the equation in relationships, so I think it makes marriage an even scarier step. Early in the relationship we talked more about marriage. Now we talk about being with each other lifelong, but less about matrimony. We basically feel married to each other and the thing we want more, is to be able to simply live together. Lately he teases a little more about marriage. It bothers him that I have kept my married name. He keeps trying his last name on me. I honestly think that there will come a time that we do marry, but it certainly is not something that will happen tomorrow, nor do I really care. I just want to be with him. :)

I remember mentioning marriage to the very first older woman I ever dated and she would always freak out about it.:confused:

It seems to me that a lot of men talk more openly about marriage as a topic than some women think. Not all...but more than we seem to think.

Christie, is he saying 'we' when he talks about marriage? If not and you don't want to use we/you and I then keep it general, as well.

Is he saying 'when I get married...'? If so, you can respond with
'when I get married...' statements, as well. Or 'I see marriage as...' Stuff like that.

christie,
I think it's a way some guys come to terms with their own commitment level AND become confident to ask you knowing you'd say yes if they did (rejection of a marriage proposal would suck).

I agree with, K, that some guys do the M-talk to bring themselves to a certain comfort level with being able to talk about about this type of commitment. I think that, yes, they want to feel out the situation to see if they can gauge what your response will be, and I think that it's also a way to prod you for your views/ideas about marriage and some of the details that you would like to see in your married life to gauge compatibility on the important stuff.

I'm petrified of the big "M" word.

I choose to avoid it as much as possible.

Do I love my fiance? Yes.
Do I want to be with my fiance forever? Yes.

So what's the problem?!?!?! I don't know!

He wants marriage. He pushes for a date at least 1x a month. He tried to arrange one when we were in California (gave me the shotgun wedding feelings).

I keep saying that I'm committed and invested in this relationship and don't need a paper to prove that. But as my friend pointed out that is a lie. If I were truly committed and invested then I would have no problem putting a paper between us. I hate friends sometimes.

But, a piece of me wishes he would just joke about it. For at least another 5 years. Don't think that's gonna happen though.

I think you're right Karen. They joke about it to see what you think. It's their way of initiating the conversation without making the committment. Very much like a man, lol! :D

We talked about it for a long time before ever getting around to doing it. Yeah, testing the waters would be a good description. . . We even lived together for years before tying the knot. In the end we did a wedding on the cheap that was just right. The joke was that we'd taken several honeymoons before getting married.

Taking your time isn't a bad thing. . .