Update on Justin and I

I've received several pm's lately asking me how things are going with Justin and I so I figured it must be time for an update. I wish I could tell you all he was back and we were living happily ever after but Im afraid thats not the case yet.

He has finally found an apartment of his own this past weekend, unfortunately he has moved to the town he works in. It is about 50 miles away and at this time he has not hooked up a phone yet, he's waiting to see if that fits into his budget. At this point I don't even have an address for him, but I don't really have the time to drive out to see him anyways.

About a week before he left I started taking Polly's advice and started playing by THE RULES and received some positive results. Strange how it works, the more I seem to act like I don't care the more interested he seems. At least with him not having a phone and me not having an address for him makes it alot easier now to give him his space. I must admit when he was here in Abbotsford near me it was a very hard thing for me to do, I was tempted many times to call him just to see how he was doing or to hear his voice. Now when we see him it will be because he has initiated it not us inviting him over. At first I was very devistated when I heard he was going to be a half hour drive away, but now that I have had time to think about it, it may be a good thing that he did go out there. Most of his friends are out here as well as the two he was living with for the past few months (the ones I refer to as dumb and dumber lol). So he can now start to experience the lonely feeling I have felt for the past 3 months. One day when I pointed that out to him he asked me if I thought that he had been out partying every night and I told him I didn't think that at all. What I meant was that since he has left and was living with his friends he always had someone around and it's always much easier to cope when you have others around to keep your mind occupied. When I have people pop by to visit it is much different for me too, time goes by much faster and I don't have the time to sit and dwell over him. When Im home alone with no one to talk to or hang out with time just drags and you end up sitting wondering what the other person is doing etc..... and then you begin to realize what it is actually like to be single and alone.

I talked with him for a few minutes yesterday and I asked him if he was getting settled in and he said yes kind of. Then I asked him if he was sleeping ok and he said yes kind of again in a sad voice. Maybe the reality of it all is starting to settle in now, who knows. I think I will be able to read alot out of his actions in the next few months and will be able to get a better idea on how he is feeling about us. I know he's beginning to realize that living on his own is not quite as cheap as he thought it would be and being broke all the time will be a hard thing for him to get use to.

Before he left this weekend I told him that I knew he told me that I didnt have to wait and to get on with my life and yes I have done that to a point but until he is able to tell me that Brenda I'm never coming back it will be impossible for me to move on 100%. I needed for him to make a decision soon on whether we are going to work on us or not. I made it clear that I wasn't looking for him to move back here imediately but I couldn't sit here for months and just wonder if there will ever be an us again or not. I told him that I would go crazy sitting there and wondering and if he did decide that he couldn't come back that yes it would be hard to accept but at least I could go ahead and start dealing with it. So he agreed and said he understood. I'll give it a month and see how things are going between us and if things are no different then I will give it one more month and by the end of March I will tell him that it is time for him to give me an answer.

Yes we still have the occasional booty call (I know Im breaking the rules but it's so hard not to) and when we do I must say it is pretty hot. Just from his performance Im sure he is not getting it else where so that is a relief. One day I played hard to get and told him I didn't know if it was right for us to keep doing this and he told me he would understand if I didn't but he confessed that I was the only one he felt comfortable being with and that it made him sick thinking about having sex with someone else.

Honestly I don't know if he will come back, sometimes I think he will, other times I think he won't. My mind tells me if he felt in his heart that it was over he wouldn't be having sex with me still (I know he could find it else where if he wanted) and he wouldn't come over to spend time with us like he does. You would think that he would stop being so involved with mine and the kids lives and cut the ties loose. Anyways thats how things are here and this post has gotten a lot longer then I intended it to be. Any advice or opinions would be appreciated, thanks for listening all.

Brenda

Thank you for the update, Brenda. I've been thinking about you, and wondering how things are going. I wish I had some wonderful insights or wisdom to share with you, but I sure don't. It sounds like you're doing the best you can with a sad situation. I hope everything works out for the best for both of you. I'll be wishing for a happy ending.

Hugz
Kye

Awww, Toasty, I've been thinking about you too! I was hoping he'd be back with you by now, but it seems he isn't ready. It seems he isn't ready to let go but doesn't want to commit either. I know how you are feeling. Sick, sad, confused, resentful, hopeful, hopeless...it's not a good place to be.

I don't think waiting around for HIM to make up his mind is the answer. I think you should make up YOUR mind, and ask yourself what YOU really want out of life. Since he's already done this once, if he did come back, would you wonder when he was going to do it again?

I think if you forced yourself to go out and date, or at least get out and do something different, spend some time with friends, find a new hobby (S.C.U.B.A. was mine, I met fascinating new people and had lots of fun) or join a singles group, you'd be seeing this in a little different light. Besides, when women do things like that, it seems to bring men around pretty quickly. Justin will see you moving on, and have to seriously make up his mind one way or another. I think waiting a month is way too long! It would wear on my nerves to do that!

(((HUGS))) and best of luck to one of the sweetest ladies here! :)

Toasty, I wish you will have the strength to move on, to show him you are worth more than eternal doubts on his side and that love means giving up on some things to get a thousand others...
Sometimes being patient with someone doesn't help him at all. You have been understanding, you didn't push, you didn't blame him, you've been there for him. Be there for you, now, and heal yourself with love. You deserve more. Who is really worrying about you? Okay, maybe he is, but if so, and he loves you, why would he keep going more and more away from you?
I would suffer if my boyfriend left, I would want to die, and I would probably be there where you are right now, taking whatever little time or little hope he would give me so that I didn't have to face the horrible truth- the ending of a love that still burns inside my heart. If that happens, I just wish that someone can be by my side and tell me to move on, and give me support so that I can do it.
It's the first time I talk to you about your problem, and I feel bad to be the pessimistic one here, especially because I don't know you at all, but I can't see a good woman hurting like you are.

Thanks Kye, Julie and Polly for replying. Polly you've hit the nail right on the head, he's not ready to let go but he's not ready to commit again either. Im also experiencing all the feelings you have mentioned which makes it hard to think this out logically.

I've tried to look into meeting new guys but unfortunately there doesn't seem to be much to choose from up here that are around my own age. I don't think I will even consider at this point getting involved with anyone under the age of 30. I want someone who has already found themselves and is ready to settle down and make a committment. To be honest Julie is right my heart is just not into it at this time. I've started making alot of new friends at school and that does help. When Justin and I were together pretty much all of our friends were people he knew before we got together or they were friends from his work, so it is understandable I guess that I don't see much of them anymore. It's like I have had to start my life all over again from scratch.

Polly is also right that I do have to make a decision too, I guess in my mind I wanted to give it a month or two more just because of the time he has been away now has not been time on his own and I think that his actions now are going to pretty much tell me without even asking him what he's going to do. I don't even think at this point it's that he doesn't want a relationship with me personally it's a question of whether he likes the independent living and wants a relationship with anyone period. Im going to sit it out a while longer and see how it goes and in the mean time if Mr. Right walks into my life then I will look at it as Justins loss not mine.

Brenda

Brenda,just remember whatever happens,happens for a reason.and the most important thing is to take good care of yourself during this time.sometimes when we are going through a bad time of it,we neglect ourself,please don't do that...be kind to YOU,and whatever is suppose to happen will.take care and I'm glad you posted.

MariaLux, I know what you are saying is right, I should move on and I have started to a great deal compared to what I was a few months ago. My heart is just not ready to throw in the towel 100% yet. I take it day by day and thats about all I can do for now. I won't let this go on for much longer as I agree it is not healthy for me to sit here forever and hope. He's been here through thick and thin for me for 5 years now and I know he still cares a great deal for me otherwise he wouldnt keep coming over to see me. I've have a lot of ups and downs in my life since I met Justin more then the normal person and I think I can manage to give him a couple of more months to figure out what he wants and needs. At the end of April it will have been 6 months and then I think it will have given him an ample amount of time to come to a decision. If not then I will make the decision for him and cut off all contact and get on with my life and that will be that.

Nafada it was your pm that encouraged me to post again, it was so nice to have someone tell me that they missed me on here. I have been good to myself. I haven't bought so many new cloths in a long time and Im actually having a lot of fun buying new stylish stuff. He's noticing the change and at least he knows Im not just sitting here every night waiting for him. If I could find someoone decent to date I would defnately do it but I haven't found anyone that interests me. I have met one very nice person off the net and we do get along very well but unfortunately I am just not attracted to him. He is crazy about me and has made it quite clear to me and I am a bit scared that I may hurt him because I can't return the same type of feelings for him. I have made it clear to him that I can offer him nothing more then friendship and he seems to accept it. He does make me feel very good about myself and it is nice to have a male friend to talk with. I have also been hanging out quite a bit with a guy from school and he has come over to my place several times and we have watched movies and played video games together. He is a really nice guy, he's around my age, not bad looking but he's the type of guy that is what I call a professional student. That is about the only thing that turns me off of him, it's a real shame. The boys quite like him which is a bonus and he is awesome with them but I need someone who has ambition and a future and I don't see this in him in the near future. I'll have to see if there's a singles club in our town and that may be a good thing for me to look into because I just don't have a clue where else to look for a nice eligble single guy here in Abbotsford.

Brenda

It was almost 11:00 pm and I was just starting to doze off on the couch and I heard a small knock at the front door. I jumped up and went to see who it was and it was Justin. He was on his way home from the gun club where he goes trap shooting every wed night and was passing through on his way home and he said he saw the kitchen light on and tried to find a pay phone but couldn't find one that you could use without a phonecard and thought he would stop to say Hi. When I saw him standing at the door we hugged like we hadn't seen each other in over a month. My heart was racing wildly and I swear I was shaking the whole time he was here.

He visited with Greg and I for about a half hour just catching up on what was happening with each other. He told me that he had to go fix JP's car tomorrow night and had to work at the gun club on Sat. as well as go help his Dad with something on Sunday. He said he would try to get by Friday night but couldn't promise for sure. We talked about spending Valentines evening together and it looks like a good possibility. If he doesn't get over this Fri night then at least I will have the 14th to look forward to.

He made a comment that the silence at his place is almost deafening lol so obviously the alone part is starting to settle in. When he first got the apartment I remember how excited he was and told me that the place was so big. Now tonight he said it doesn't look so big now that the furniture is in and he has also realized he does not own a broom.

The whole time he was here we both had grins from ear to ear and he kept asking why I was smiling so much and I said it was just such a nice suprise to see him. These are the moments that keep me hoping.

Hmmmm something funny just happened while I was writing this post. A 31 yr old guy from my town just messaged me and he is not looking for cyber sex (interesting) and he loves fishing (even better) and is very cute to boot. When it rains it pours. I think I will run and check him out a little more lol. Please excuse the grammer mistakes as I got no time to proof read it now HEHEHE, got to take care of myself.

Brenda

P.S. I forgot to mention something funny. Justin and I went into the bedroom to have a few minutes to visit alone and guess who called. The guy that I have mentioned that I met off the net thats crazy about me and Im not attracted to him. My son Greg answered and I guess he asked who it was and he shouted out Mom phone and I said to tell them I was unable to come to the phone at the moment and then Greg said it's Eric lol. So I took the call for just a minute and when I got off Justin asked me if that was the guy I had been talking to off the internet lol so I couldn't have asked for better timing.

GREAT:) :)

see,everything is working out just fine.keep buying those new clothes and taking good care of yourself. PLEEEEAZE keep us posted. nafadda

:D

I was sitting at home bored this morning, no kids, no errands and no plans period. After long hard thought and changing my mind several times I decided to drive out to Langley to see Justin at the gun club. He often works out there on Saturdays now and had mentioned to me earlier in the week that he was doing so this weekend. He had a big smile on his face when he seen me pull into the parking lot WHEWWW. He was just finishing up so it was good timing. He mentioned to me that he wish he would have brought the shot gun with him so he could get some practice in. I suggested... why don't you run home and get it and I would wait here and watch him for a while when he got back. I watched him shoot a few rounds and after he was done he said that he had been thinking of coming over tonight but had a couple of things to do at home first. After a bit more talk he said out of the blue " Im going to go out on the limb here". "Would you like to come over to my place but I just want to make sure that since I dont have a phone yet that you not make a habit of just dropping by and that I respect his privacy". I couldn't believe it, I said I was fine with that and thanked him for showing me that trust. We drove down to his place and it's actually a cute little suite and shockingly enough he has it pretty neat and tidy. After visiting for awhile he asked me if Greg(my son) was home and I said not as far as I know that he had talked about going to a party. He then asked me if I would just rather like to stay over at his place for the evening and he would take me out for dinner. He had to go do some grocery shoppping so I went with him and he was amazed with some of the suggestions I gave him to save money on the grocery bill. He treated me to a nice dinner and then we went back to his place and watched some TV for a while. It didn't take long for us to get all cuddly and romantic and I teased him that I was honored to know I was the first woman he made love to in his first apartment of his own. All in all it turned out to be a nice day. He suggested that I make some reservations at our favorite restaurant for Valentines Day, which I thought was a nice idea since we have always traditionally went there every year. I see alot of good things happening between us lately, respect, communication but the most important I think is the trust. It's something we both have been struggling with since the breakup and I can see it slowly getting stronger again between us. The wall between us doesn't seem to be so high now I just hope we can both keep kocking down the pieces of it and meet some where in the middle eventually. We are both obviously very much in love with each other still. I guess we will see if love does concur all

Brenda

WOOOHOOOOOO!!!!:D

SWEET.....:) :) :) :) ,I like that story Brenda !!!

Oh Brenda!!!!! *hughughug* I just knew that it was going to get better when you both stepped back a bit.....He obviously misses you....Im so happy you had a good time....Things are surely looking up.

Just thought I would let you all know that we had a wonderful Valentine's day. I went out that morning and bought a nice new sexy skirt, new shoes, new makeup and a very sexy nighty for later. We went out for dinner and after we had ordered the waiter came over and asked us if we knew they were having a draw for a free dinner for all the couples that made reservations. I said yes it had been mentioned when I called and then all of a sudden the owner jumped out and snapped a picture of us and the waiter said congratulations you two are our winners. It was so cool lol, it's a Valentines suprise we won't forget for a long time. We went back to my place and watched a movie, and about an hour into the movie we ended up cuddling on the couch. He decided to spend the night (thank goodness the new nighty wasn't a waste) and we ended up having a nice romantic night and the new nighty ended up on the floor quite quickly. It was so nice spending the night in his arms, I so hated for morning to come, at least I got some morning loving too HEHE. He spent the day with us and ended up getting his little car through the emissions test so I think that is a big load off of his mind because he is having to give back his Mom's car at the end of the month. We had some good heart to heart talks this weekend and I still continue to feel things are getting better between us but we still have a long journey ahead of us and I don't see him moving back for sometime still. He did mention again that he has not closed the door on the idea of us getting back together. He told me that he feels that we have been getting along much better the last few months and has been much happier and relaxed with me. I think he is holding back a lot of his emotions right now because he wants to see if these changes are going to last before he lets himself give me any more of a committment again. Im ok with that and totally understand and am willing to do what ever it takes to gain back his trust. I pray he will realise I will never hurt him like that again. I've learned a lot in these past month about myself, Justin and our relationship I just hope Im not learning to late and we can eventually overcome this. Hope you all had a wonderful Valentines Day too.


Joannalee I also wanted to say that I loved your story about your Grandmothers jewelry box. I agree with you it was her way of showing her approval. I think things like this happen for a reason. Not too long ago (about a month ago) I took all of my pictures of Justin down because it broke my heart to look at them and at the time I felt I needed to let go a bit. One of my favorites of Justin and the boys fishing that was sitting on my dresser I had not taken down but just had turned it around backwards. One night about a week and a half ago when Justin was over we were sitting on the edge of my bed and I looked up and noticed the picture was turned around facing the right way. I said to Justin that I knew I hadn't turned it back around and when I asked both the boys they said they had not done it either. I think it was gods way of telling me that everything was going to be ok eventually and not to give up. I have since then put all of my pictures of Justin back up again and I now let them bring me happiness instead of unhappiness. I don't know if Im right about all of this or not or if Im just looking for reasons to not give up. I guess I will find out when the time is right.

Brenda

Brenda, that is wonderful news. I am so happy for you. I have been really glad to hear that things are going better for you :-)

Hey Brenda! Sounds like a great Valentines Day, and I am really happy that it turned out that way. :) Sounds like things are staying just right on course for you and Justin, and that you are both doing so well at adapting to being apart and yet still "dating" per se....so that you can both have what you need at this time. There obviously are still a lot of feelings brewing between the two of you! *smiles*
And thank you for the comment on my necklace story. The music box has not played since, but I am sure keeping an eye on it... !!!
Have a wonderful week.

I´m happy for you!!!!!:) :) :) :) :) :) :) and i´ll pray for that everything gets better and better (I love happy endings!!).
Good girls always gets good things!!! (even trough has to cry sometimes)

God Bless both of you.

LOVE


MIM

Toasty, I really enjoyed reading about your week. You are doing all the right things... I am very happy for you. I will keep my fingers crossed for you!

Brenda,
I am really really happy for you.
But......you know me I say what I think:)
This has got me a tad worried
Justins quote:"Would you like to come over to my place but I just want to make sure that since I dont have a phone yet that you not make a habit of just dropping by and that I respect his privacy".

Especially the "that you not make a habit of just dropping by ".

It would make me feel a tad uncomfortable that somebody made a statement like this to me.
I dunno, just asking, and caring for u Brenda
~Tammy

Whisper, Joannalee, Mimosita, Yellowrose and Blondie

Thanks for the good wishes and supportive words, they are much appreciated right now.

Snowprincess,

I worried a bit at first myself about that statement but after thinking about it and knowing Justin as well as I do I don't think it means what our first impresion would be. I honestly feel that it's not because he's hiding anything, I think he wants to see if I can respect his space. Since we have still been sleeping with each other we both have agreed for both of our sakes and safety that if we started to see another that we would be open and honest about it and would not continue having a sexual relationship together. I asked him the other day if anyone has shown him interest since we split up and he had told me no and that if anyone did he would not be rude but would politley tell them he was not interested in seing anyone at this time. I trust his word and I know he would never put my life in danger like that just for the sake of a new roll in the hay. He knows the boys have only me to rely on and he would never jepardize that. Thank you for your concern and not knowing who Justin is I can totally understand why it would set off red flags to you. Thanks so much for caring.

Anyways on to the good news of my day. This afternoon Justin called and asked me if I could get a sitter and come out to his place for a visit. I told him I wasn't sure about the sitter and would do my best but if I wasn't there by 7:30 he would know I wasn't able to find one. He then told me if I had to bring Mark with me that was fine and not to cancel just because of that. I finally managed to get a friend to come over to sit so hopefully we will have some good talks tonight. At first when he told me to try and get a sitter I wondered to myself if he was just feeling a little frisky but when he told me to still come even if I didn't I started to think about whether maybe he wanted to talk about something or possibly was just missing me. Guess I will find out in a couple of hours. If it is talking , I'm wondering if I should express that I would like for our relationship to progress a bit by having a boyfriend/girlfriend committment again. I really worry though if I bring it up he will feel that I'm pressuring him. I guess I will play it by ear and will post and let you all know how it turns out.

Brenda

Hi Benda,

I'm glad things seem to be smoothing out for you two. I admit that you have far more patience that I would have. I am a do or do not kind of person. Which means I occasionally shoot myself in the foot with my impatience. :)

I do think it's wise to continue to insist on being exclusive if you are going to make love. It is just too risky these days to share your partner with someone else. You seem to be doing all the right things. I hope that this all turns out well for you and Justin. I know you are both trying your best to make it happen.

Peace,
BA

Brenda,
Great!! I feel better now, I kinda feel like your a sister I have to look out for and ask you tough things sometimes, It's just that I care.
Oh please let us know how your night turned out, we are here for you. I am thinking things will only get better and this space is only going to make the garden grow :)

Remember the "If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you it's your, if it doesn't, it never was"?

Geesh I think we all grew up with that saying!!
I also remember and still constantly hear Lynryd Skynrd, from the kids, "free Bird" "Simple man" Geesh, now I am in memory lane!!
Hugss to you Brenda!!!!!!!!!
~Love, Tammy

Well we had an enjoyable evening and again sat down and had some serious talks. We have come to the conclusion that for now we are going to continue things the way they are. Since we are both now gaining our independence we are both changing in many ways and we need to take some time to develope this within ourselves and get to know one another again. We have both agreed to take it day by day for the time being and if we are still apart by July we will make a decision on whether we are going to continue this relationship or not and then we will either end it or commit in some way to one another again. At this point he will have had 6 months to experience what it's like to be on his own and I'm quite satisfied with what we have agreed upon.

BA I honestly don't have a lot of patience myself, I never have but Justin is important enough for me to learn to be patient as hard as it is at times. I've realized with him being only 22 it is really important that he do this and it's better that it happen now rather then down the road. As long as we are being honest and faithful to one another(which I truly think is happening) then I think this is the best way to go. He needs to be sure of himself and his decisions for us to last and if this is the way he feels he needs to do it then I have to be understanding.

The way I look at it is it's already been 3 1/2 months so waiting another 5 1/2 for a chance of being with someone I love so much is not too much to ask. Compared to the first 2 months of being depressed, crying, mistrust and arguing. The next 5 1/2 should be a piece of cake since we are getting along and communicating better then we ever have before.

Brenda

Good!

I support everything you just said, Brenda.

Makes ALOT of sense to me.

Hugz.......

Brenda,I just LOVE hearing about whats going on with you and Justin and you guys are one couple I am REALLY rooting for.

it shows how secure you are to let him go and find what it is he's looking for without telling him what he can and can't do,or trying to make it tough for him or telling him he can't do something.

I Love hearing about the good stuff when it happens with you two.I really wish both of you the best and truly admire you for letting him make his own choices in life,no matter how much it hurts.It shows you really care and are not looking to control someone.you are GREAT:)

Brenda I'm so happy for you both. Glad it's all working out. Wishing you two the best! Terry

Thanks for the support and listening DS, Nafadda and Morficarts. Terry I hope you are doing ok and was glad to see in your thread that you are dealing with your grief so well. You are an amazingly strong woman.

A few things have happened since my last update. We had a bit of an upset a few weekends ago. I won't get into big details as this would grow to be a pretty long post. To make a long story short we miscommunicated and I had some doubt put into my mind (not at all about another girl). It had more to do with me not feeling important to him and feeling he was falsely canceling some plans we had previously had. We had a short confrontation about it that night and then both agreed we would meet up the next day to talk about it instead of saying things we didn’t mean in the heat of the moment.

The next morning I was still madder then a hornet and actually packed up the rest of his cloths that were still in my closet and was seriously thinking of just telling him I didn't want to see him any more for awhile, period. Luckily for both of us he went out fishing for most of the day (he does most of his best thinking when he's fishing) and didn't get here until the early evening, which gave me time to finally cool down.

When he got here I know he noticed the garbage bags packed in the bedroom but he didn't say anything. I told him that at this point I didn't know what I wanted to do. I asked him what he felt he wanted and he said that he wasn’t ready to make a decision of not getting back together. So we decided to keep going with our original plan of giving it some time and coming to a decision in July.

Last week I did see a sign of jealousy and it was actually quite funny. The guy that I have met on the net was trying to get me a job interview where he works and I had mentioned to him how Justin reacted last time when he called and he asked me well when will he be over again and I’ll call while he is there. I told him I expected him to drop by that night around 11:00, so he said ok I’ll call you then. About 10 minutes after Justin arrived Eric phoned right on cue. We talked about me going to apply for the job the next day and Eric had me laughing and giggling on the phone. In the mean time I could tell that Justin was listening to every word I said. Eric then said to me why don’t you have lunch with me while you’re down here. I said to him in front of Justin, Oh I’d love to have lunch with you but I have to head straight to school right after, but I’d love to do it on another day. I then said to him well I hate to cut this short but I have some company over and better go. As soon as I got off the phone Justin asked me who it was and I said Oh just a friend. He said a guy Friend? I said well yes. Then Justin said well you sure sounded all happy and giggly with him and I said he’s a nice guy and is trying to get me a job where he works. It was really nice to see him get jealous for a change, I think it made him think a bit.

We ended up spending a good part of last weekend together and had a great time. I went out for a girl’s night last Sat and left him at my place to spend some time with my middle son Greg. When I got home he was sitting on the couch playing video games and I was talking away too him and he said to me “Hold that thought for a minute BABY. We both looked at each other in shock lol and he said I’m sorry I guess I slipped. I told him there was no need to apologize and that it felt good to hear it and that it was nice to know those feelings where still in there some where.

He also came out last night to see Mark’s (my youngest son) school play and we had a nice family evening. I’m not absolutely sure if he’s coming out this weekend or not, it’s very hard to get him to commit to anything ahead of time anymore. We talked about the possibility of him coming over Sat night to watch a movie and him staying out here the night so he could get an early start on fishing Sun morning. I’ll just keep taking it day by day, I just find him so hard to read at times. He can be so distant at times and other times he can be so warm and caring. It’s so hard to know how I should act towards him when he changes from day to day.

Well I see this has grown into a long post anyways but this will give you all an idea of how things have been going the last few weeks.

Brenda

I know you aren't asking for advice right now but I just read over your thread and I'm having trouble keeping my big mouth shut.

First of all, let me tell you that my boyfriend, Greg is a fisherman too. I mean he is a complete addict. He may love his fishing more than he loves me. Sometimes it's hard to tell. Greg mostly does ocean fishing. He's got a 22' and he goes out tuna, halibut and salmon fishing. He loves to fish and I love to eat what he brings home. I don't usually go with him though. He's got a little beach house and the kids and I go there while he goes out and gets all stinky.

But anyway here I go: You seem to be awfully sweet, understanding, nice, gentle, etc to this man. I mean to me, you seem to be making most of the sacrifice. You gotta shake him up a little bit. And I know he can't let go but he can't commit either. That's clear. But I think you need to help the guy figure it out. One way is to kick him in his butt and tell him so. Since guys don't like that way, it may be best for plan 2. Here is plan 2: It sounds like you have been starting to live again what with school and now looking for a job. Let's make it more real. Go out every chance you get with anyone and stop being so available for him. I know you have children and that is the most difficult part because they are close to him, right? So still avail that part of the relationship but I would cut off the other stuff.

But he needs to truly FEEL the loss of you. He needs to truly BELIEVE that you are getting on and moving on. You can even tell him that you have decided you can't continue like this. Hell cry your eyes out when you tell him, but DO it. Cry your little eyes out and tell him it's the thing you don't want to do but that you must because the other way is just tearing you apart.

Then, buck up, suck it up, and start getting out. I believe in my heart that he won't be able to take it; that he will buckle. Of course since you have children who are close to him, you will still see him, but I would try to minimize it- maybe not be there when he comes over etc.

Whatever you do, I wish you all the best. I admire your strength and courage thus far.

Cindy

Hi Cindy, any advice I get is always welcomed. I know your 100% right with what your saying. I have been slowly weaning myself off of him I guess is the best way to put it. I don't make myself as available as I use to. Last weekend I invited him over and he couldn't give me a definate answer so I did go with my Plan B and went out with the girls. When he found out that he could come over I still went with my Plan B even though I really was preferring to spend the evening with him. He offered to be my designated driver and spent the evening with my middle son Greg hanging out at my house. I've done the same thing for this weekend, he won't comfirm it with me so I'm going ahead and if anything else comes up I will do that and have told him so.

I know I need to do more then that and just plain old stop inviting him over period but I'm just not ready to let go that much yet. I do feel it coming though, since he has moved on his own I have adapted to not knowing his every move, not talking with him everyday and it is getting easier every week. I don't think it will be long until I do get use to not seeing him at least once a week.

If I was to tell him to make a choice now I know it wouldn't be the one I want him to make, he has made that quite clear, if he's pushed to decide now then he will not be coming back. So I'm not even going to go there yet. Once I am able to let go of him a little more and he does start to come around, I think that would be the better time to give him the ultimatum if I decide I can't do this anymore.

I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Brenda

Your pain is also somehow my pain. I pray for you, too, Brenda.

Hi Brenda I'm doing pretty well. After having that dream of my YM telling me I need to stop greiving and instead celebrate our love, I felt I had to do what he wished. This is how I'm coping, that and keeping busy. Thanks for the compliment. :)

I feel you are just as strong in dealing with your complications with Justin. I don't know if I could be so pateint. I wish you only the best! Since things are kind of hard right now, take good care of yourself Brenda! You should pamper yourself. I truely hope you can get the answers you want from all of this. Hang in there girl! Huge Hugs Terry

Everyone's kind thoughts and words are so appreciated, it sure makes it easier to get through a rough day.

This weekend went really well suprisingly. Our local paper out here is having a scavenger hunt which they call Searching for Gold. A gift certificate for $5000 is hidden some where in a public place here in town. They publish clues 3 times a week in the paper, and at this point(which is very early in the game) I'm about 99% sure I've narrowed down the location. So about midnight on Friday night the kids and I started talking about going up there and doing some searching. For some reason I was really pokey getting myself going. At 1:00 AM I finally said ok if we're going to go we better start getting ready. Then we heard a really quiet knock at the door. Chris opened the door just a little bit and all of a sudden an arm came flying through the opening of the door and grabbed Chris. He slammed the door mean while my heart was in my throat as there has been a lot of home invasions out here lately. As Chris slammed the door he realized it was Justin. I could have smacked him lol, almost gave me a heart attack.

He came in and said he had a change of plans and that he had to work on Sun so he was going fishing on Sat. I asked him if he was staying the night at Brads and he hesitated and then yes I guess. His hesitation made me wonder if he was wanting to stay here, so I waited a couple of minutes and then asked him if he was wanting to stay here and he said sure. So it was nice to have a suprise visit.

He went fishing for the day and I went out and did what I needed to do for the day and met back up at my house later in the day. It started to snow so I was a little worried that he may want to leave early but he ended up spending the night and left the next day at noon.

If he doesn't have to work next week he's promised to try and get over to do a few chores that I need done around here and to have dinner. Which I'm sure will turn into an over night for his fishing trip on Sun. It's funny because now that he lives farther away from me I see more of him then I did when he was living 5 minutes away. He seems much more comfortable about staying over night now but I still have no clue what he's going to decide, I just hope these next 4 months and 22 day's(yes I'm counting down lol) go by quickly.

Brenda

:D But Brenda, how about the 5000 dollars search? I am dying of curiosity, have you got it? ;)

You sound great Toasty. I wish you so much joy and positive outcome for your story.

Plus I have this affection for any guy who fishes as much as your Justin and my Greg. Greg just bought a $1600 GPS. He's absolutely nuts for fishing.

Cindy