Hard Times

Were you a "Hard Times Kid"?

By that, I just mean someone who grew up seeing his/her parents struggle to keep it all together.

Theres a small club of us on Agelesslove.

No heavy-duty discussion or anything is planned. I was thinking about the topic of incredible love from Mom and Dad, and the sacrifices they made for us...


The movie "In Pursuit of Happyness," is an incredible story that deals with this. If you wondered how your folks ever made it, or why, you should see this film. Really amazing and uplifting. All about determination, faith and the drive to succeed. :)

You might feel like you are watching a story about your own Dad. Some of you parents might feel like you're watching yourself on the big screen.

Will Smith is the star, by the way...

The theme is: Never Ever Quit!! Which is also something to remember for those of us who are still looking for that magical YM or OW. Or YW or OM.

Keep trying, and trying, and trying. Eventually you will succeed. :)

Happy New Year to you all!! :)

I didn't vote because I guess I fall somewhere between Average Time and Easy Street.

We were not into money by any means. My dad was a blue-collar, oil-refinery worker, but (having grown up through very hard times during the depression) he knew how to manage his money. And my mom didn't work. But they didn't try to live beyond their means either. They bought a house they could afford in the '50's and lived in it until they died. And we only had one car and a black and white tv until way after most of our neighbors. But the neighbors were in debt and my dad never used a credit card for anything. His philosophy was if you can't pay cash for it, you don't buy it. He always bought a new car, but kept it for 10 years before buying another one and paid cash for it. I certainly didn't get everything I wanted, but I was secure and happy and we always had what we needed. I guess, thinking back, I had the "Leave it to Beaver" childhood.

My parents didn't have financial worries because they knew how to save and stay out of debt. The problem I see today, is that everyone wants instant gratification and buys everything right now (on credit) instead of saving up for it. Everyone wants the biggest house, the newest car, the latest computer and the most fashionable clothes. It's really sad if you think about it.

And, as for hard times, I know there are those who do struggle from day to day just to live. But I also know that there are those that don't put forth much effort.

When we were transferred to the Chicago area (northwest Indiana) it was during the time that most of the steel mills had just closed up and there were loads of people out of work and struggling to feed their families. BUT they wouldn't leave the area. A lot of them could have found jobs and made a living in other parts of the country, but they refused to leave northwest Indiana. (Certainly not the garden spot of the world!)

I had a really hard time understanding that. I would go where I had to go and do whatever work I had to do in order to provide for my family.

I know I'm rambling here, so I will close with one final thought. I read recently that the next generation is the first generation in this country that will not live better than their parents. If this turns out to be a case, they will be in for a real shocker, because they are certainly the most pampered generation ever and I do hope they are up for the task ahead of them. Unfortunately tho, I believe if that does come to pass, crime will be like we have never seen in this country too. :(

One more note: There is a great interview with Will Smith in the December issue of Reader's Digest. I liked him before reading it, but after reading his views on life and marriage, my respect for that man has risen 10-fold.

I do not know how to answer.

My mom was single, my dad absent, my grandparents had tiny salaries, yet I attended the best Catholic private school with students from the wealthiest families. (This school, surprisingly, was not expensive, but academically it was the best.) Luckily, the nuns there would not favor the rich but those who excelled so I was always on the nun's cool side.

Although money was always only enough to cover the basic needs, and my school's tuition. We were extremely rich. My mom and I had to live with my grandparents (3 families in the same house) and they taught me to be thrifty, to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, to not worry if the girls at school had the newest, and biggest (whatever), so I never felt deprived, never felt unloved, and definitely never felt that life was hard due to lack of money.

_________
P.S. My only serious problem growing up was that I was fat and girls were always teasing me. I had only one friend, until I got thin, that is.

I voted Easy Street. For the most part, I always had all the material things any kid would want. We traveled, ate out at the finest places ...drove the finest cars...blah, blah. We always had plenty and more except for maybe one or two very short period of times when new ventures started. But, I am talking VERY short periods of time. However, other areas of the "family life" were seriously lacking.:( So, if having less things and money could have made us closer, I would have definately chose that lifestyle if I could have. It's very sad...

Some may wonder why I am so frugal since I was raised in this atmosphere. Well, that's why. ;) Brownbear and I have chosen to live a simpler lifestlye. We do not do the credit (card) thing. And we DO NOT WASTE. We recycle many things and try to instill in our children our same values. We believe it is better to teach them how to make it in this life with what you have. We live comfortable but we have no debt. Plus-taking time to teach our children these values gives us all more quality time together. Something that was missing in my family growing up. Having all you want and all the money in the world can not replace "family". The only REAL "family time" I experienced was with my grandparents who were poor farming folks. Thanks be to God that I was left with them quite often growing up. It was there that I learned how to live. They were 100's of times happier than my folks. And I was very happy at their home running barefoot chasing the baby chicks and playing in the mudholes with grandmas pots and pans.:D

Well, we weren't rich, but we weren't poor, I suppose.

When my parents were married, until I was 13 or 14, I never much thought about money. We didn't have a lot of fancy things, but we never worried about how to pay the bills. Like Peachy said, we lived within our means, and money wasn't really an issue. But like Kinda, we were seriously lacking in other more important areas of family life...and that was were the going got rough.

Interesting responses....

I grew up with white-collar parents.

Good work ethic on both their parts, although my Mom was the very strongest. I can never remember her NOT working.

Unlike Peachy's parents though, they were not always savvy with money management skills. Not enough savings and way too much spent on new cars and gadgets and renting a home instead of owning.

That got us in trouble once. We got evicted from a nice house that we rented. Why? The landlord wanted to sell it. So we didn't have a backup plan and were homeless for a while, staying with relatives until we could get back up on our own feet. That was embarassing. :eek:

For that reason I voted "hard times" -- although not everyone would agree with that. I understand the feeling of not having your own roof over your head. Another reason I voted that way is not having money for school. I found it embarassing to stand in line for Financial Aid from the government, although I definitely had plenty of company!!

On the positive side:

We never went hungry, or without clothes, nor did we ever have to wait for the government to feed us. No going to Salvation Army for clothes. :eek: I would HATE that.

I got to see both parents bust *** to make a dollar, and I never thought there was any other way to go.

My parents were fairly average, money-wise, when I was a child, but when I turned 13 a series of very unfortunate events happened... including an accident at my dad's work and my mom being in a very serious car accident.

So money was tight, but looking back, that is not the real problem for me. The real problem was that my parents seemed to think that I was fine and they sort of forgot about me. I've never had any encouragement or positivity from anyone, to be perfectly honest, since the time I was 13, with the exception of boyfriends/my ex-husband. Boy, that sounds pathetic.

My parents aren't alcoholics. They are well-educated. I was taken to operas/musicals/symphonies as a kid, given violin lessons, we travelled a fair bit. But then at 13 that was it, I was emotionally on my own... they didn't even notice when, at 17, I just stopped going to school due to a severe depression. No one said anything to help or encourage. That was much harder than having to deal with the lack of "stuff" caused by the short money.

My parents were fairly average, money-wise, when I was a child, but when I turned 13 a series of very unfortunate events happened... including an accident at my dad's work and my mom being in a very serious car accident.

So money was tight, but looking back, that is not the real problem for me. The real problem was that my parents seemed to think that I was fine and they sort of forgot about me....

I can relate, Pink.

One reason I never told my Dad how upset I was about being teased at school (about being funny-looking) is that I knew he'd come back with "Oh you look fine!" :D

Which, actually was true, in a relative sense. But kids don't need to hear a snappy dismissal of their concerns as if that'll fix things...

Hope that makes sense

Well, based on other responses, I guess I'd have to say "hard times" but I feel like it was "off and on."

My dad was disabled and spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital. When he wasn't sick and was able to work, we did pretty well. They both finished college in their 30's, when we were pre-teens. When I was 12, we rented in an affluent part town. Because of the numerous rental possibilities, this square-mile community had mansions along the lake and affordable flats further from the lake.

It was a huge disparity of wealth - the "have everythings" and the "have a little bits." LOL. We were "have a little bits" and I always felt like a bit of a loser because I never had the right fashions or latest "toys", couldn't get a driver's license (parents couldn't afford the insurance) let alone a fancy car like other kids in my school, etc.

But there were times that Mom had to go to the food pantry or use food stamps - usually if Dad lost his job because he'd get sick. We crammed into some crappy little places a few times. We were never on wellfare though.

So, we didn't live in poverty by any stretch, but there were hard times. My parents were finally able to buy a house in that community a couple of years after moving there. (They stretched every dollar to live there, because the public school there was better than most private schools.)

Jeremy and I live there now. I moved back here when I was married. We got in just before the real estate market boomed and we were able to afford a house. I got it all fixed up and then my husband got sick and lost his job. I held on to the house as long as I could, but lost it last year. Jeremy and I got a townhouse a few blocks away. (In many ways it's nicer than my house was, LOL!)

My life now is very similar to my parents when I was growing up. We stretch to live here so our kids can have the best schools, but wonder how we are going to pay the bills sometimes. Our kids have much more than the poor kids living across the river, but less than their schoolmates that have lawyers and doctors for parents and live on the lake. Because of my independent contractor status, I applied for state assistance for medical insurance.

So, it's hard to say where I fit into the poll. I mean, I look at how Jeremy grew up - the tough school, dingy little house in a crime-ridden area and his parents working like crazy to pay for it - and I think we had it pretty good. But I also can't discount the struggles my parents had.

I guess it's all in the perspective.

I'm not exactly sure how to answer this....

My dad was in the army till I was about 13...so of course we were taken care of when he was in the army. I remember never worrying about anything.

When my dad got out...my parents started their own businesses...this started the hard times. Needless to say their business' failed and they had to find other jobs. My dad did everything from deliver pizzas to sell used cars to deliver newspapers...I was old enough to see them struggle and I knew exactly what was going on.

On a day when I was supposed to go to the mall with my friends...our car was reposessed. My parents eventually had to file for bankruptcy. (sp?) On top of this was the added responsibillity my parents had taken on. We had two cousin's living with us (one slightly older than me...one slightly younger)...plus my grandma and grandpa. It was rough.

But my parents fought...they fought hard and they stuck together. I never heard them complain and I never saw them give up.

I might have had to wear clothes from walmart...my pants may have been highwaters cuz I was growing too fast...and my sneakers might not have been Nike....but I always knew I was loved. My parents are extremely affectionate and have always shown so much love to me and my sister and most importantly...each other.

I consider myself extremely blessed to have the family that I do.

Harrison....I saw that movie...it was a bit of a downer...but I thought it was great.

Nadine.

....I might have had to wear clothes from walmart...my pants may have been highwaters cuz I was growing too fast...and my sneakers might not have been Nike....but I always knew I was loved. My parents are extremely affectionate and have always shown so much love to me and my sister and most importantly...each other.

I consider myself extremely blessed to have the family that I do.

Harrison....I saw that movie...it was a bit of a downer...but I thought it was great.

Nadine.

Great post, Nadine.....

You know what I'm talking about when I say "Hard Times." When I saw Will Smith, I liked how he refused to give up.

He didn't turn his kid in to adoption, he didn't start drinking or doing dope. He just kept fighting, fighting and fighting... and refused to give up.

I LOVED it.

Never quit!!!! :cool:

Why was it a downer? :confused:

Why was it a downer? :confused:

Hi, Yellowrose....

Nadine's not here, but I assume she's talking about how the parents were not able to stick together, not to mention watching the downward spiral of our hero's life before he actually hit the big time, and started turning things around.

I mean there were some heartbreaking moments in the movie.

My parents were well-off. My father was a physician and my mother was a nurse a lonnnnnng time ago. Doesn't mean you don't have hard times...

I was pregnant as a teenager and became distanced from my family. I had 2 kids by the time I was 19 and hadn't graduated from high school yet. My marriage ended and I was on my own with 2 little kids. I really struggled. We were homeless a few times and on welfare for some of that time too. I have done some pretty unimaginable things to put some dollars in my pocket and feed my kids. It was no way to live that is for sure!

In my early 20s my father said to me, if you don't want to be a victim and you want to be one of the people who gets to make decisions instead of being the one who is affected by them... then get yourself an education. I got my GED and went to school. It was no small effort, but I managed a degree at OSU and even did the honors program! I was lucky to have parents who believed in me and once I showed determination to improve my situation, they stood by me every step of the way.

Uffffffffffffff I could write a book on the subject, but instead I will share the highlights, but I have a feeling by the time I reach the end of this post, it will have plenty of paragraphs! jajajajaja

Nevertheless I will start with the conclusion, my parents did the best they knew how!

My mother became a housemaker at the age of 9 since her mother died and my mom had to stay home to raise her one year old sister and take care of her siblings (two older brothers by 5 and 3 yrs, and 1 younger sister by two years, but the younger brother and sister were sent to live with a maternal aunt, it was the post civil war in Spain and my grandfather was just a bricklayer) and her father. My mother became her baby's sister's mother and to this day she calls her mom!

My dad was a bread baker, and his whole family was, his father and his 4 older brothers worked in the same large bakery. To this day, I do not know at what age my father stopped going to school but he claims he was 14 yrs old. I think he was much younger when he went to work.

We struggled but I never noticed it. We lived in a huge house that contained 4 families (the kitchen held 4 different stoves and tables and chairs, one set for each family) and we had one bathroom for 25 people. Each family had a large efficiency that contained living area and beds. My bed was a folding one that got open and closed daily. I slept in a room with my parents, my brother, my maternal aunt and grandfather. Believe it or not, living in that house for 7 years in that part of the city, rather poor, was one of my best memories growing up.

Nevertheless, I went to private schools and I always had nice, mostly home made by my mother, clothes and a few toys, a new fancy doll each year. And yes, my dad was the only one in that house that had a nice (foreign) used vehicle. We always had a fancy car that was the envy of the neighborhood!

We came to the USA when I was 14 yrs old, we lived in an apartment and I got to share my bedroom with my brother, until I left home to go to college, but I had to go to the dorms. It was not until I was 20 years old, after I graduated from college, that I finally got to have my own bedroom in a house I shared with roommates.

When I first got to this country, I even worked in the fields, picking strawberries, after school. I have come a long way since then, 33 years ago. I have fulfilled the American dream. I became a Spanish TV news anchor, I married a surgeon, widower, raised his daughters (3 of them, plus I adopted the little one and had my own child with him) went to law school and I have been practicing for 18 years.

Since my divorce 10 years ago I bought my own 2,500 sq ft house, my (foreign) car and I have no debts. I learned about debts early on. My dad was the type that if you did not have the cash then you did not buy it. He got his first credit card at age 54 (20 years ago) but I had to consign for him because even though he owned his house free and clear (my name was also on the mortgage) he had not had any established credit on his name. Nowadays he can have all the credit he wants, and even if he has few credit cards, he still believes in the cash policy. He now pays his charges at the end of each month. He also has no debts.

We were never on public assistance nor did anyone ever had to help us out economically.

My parents were very old fashioned and raised me in such a manner. I could not date, (no prom for me) I could not wear make up, not even mini skirts. I could not keep the monies I made when I worked, all had to be turned in to my parents. I never rebelled but I became a very strong woman.

My parents believed in a college education for me, even though they thought I would end up a home maker. Wrong! :D I was allowed to go away to college, at age 18, because I had already completed my 2 yrs junior college in the town I lived in with them and I wanted to further my education. They allowed me to go 90 miles north and live in the dorms. I had to come home almost every weekend. I had a used vehicle they had bought me, fancy indeed, a '73 mustang II that I got when I graduated from high school at 16. I needed the car to drive to school but I also ended up being the family's chauffeur and running everybody's errands, even doing the supermarket for my parents, which I used to do when I was 12 yrs old and lived back home, but now I had a vehicle and I did not have to walk to the market!

It was not until I graduated from college that I was finally independent (I got grants, scholarship, I worked and my parents helped pay a little bit for my education) and not so much under my parents' pull. It had nothing to do with money but with my respect (and maybe fears) to my parents. I was extremely controlled by them. To them, that was the way they knew how to show their love.

Today, they admit that they did not know any better, since I was female that was the way I needed to be raised. My younger (by almost 2 yrs) brother, in the other hand, got all the liberty and freedom in the world. He dropped out of high school in 11th grade and has not done much with his life. My family of origin believed women had to be subservient to men. I am a long way from that!

There are a lots of things that I appreciate from my up bringing but there are many things that I do different from the way I was raised, but I am who I am (and very happy/proud of me) as a result of my parents and the way I grew up.

I thank them for the sacrifices they did, of leaving all they knew in their early 40's to give my brother and I a better life! Coming to America was the best thing that could have happen to me! I was able to reach and obtain goals that I do not know if I would have been able to because of the conditions I lived in back home!

And like I said at the beginning of this writing, these highlights sure got to be loooong! jajajaja And that is life! :D

La vita e bella!

PS I voted "Average Times. Not Awful.. Not Fantastic"

WOW!! :eek:

I think Altarubiaguapa just might win the prize for "Most Hard-Core American Dream Story" :D That was amazing!!


Nadine,

When I said that we dodged the Repo man, what I was thinking of was this:

One day I got home to our little apartment after school. Dad was home (unemployed) and I said "Where's the car?"

I didn't see it parked outside like I normally did.

He said "Oh I parked it a couple blocks down and around the corner."

He didn't want the Repo man to get it. LOL I guess the trick worked and he took care of things. It didn't get repoed. It was a luxury-everything edition that he'd bought brand new. Power this and power that. I think he might've cried if they took it back. ;)

I laugh when I think about those days, but actually I was kinda depressed back then. It was not a happy-go-lucky time of life.

Well, I voted for "Average Times. Not Awful.. Not Fantastic " but I guess it really depends on what angle you look at it.

My parents always struggled financially, but also always managed to get by because they were all in all very economical in their spendings. They had to migrate to the west of Germany by the end of the war and had pretty much nothing but the clothes on their back and two baby daughters (my sisters).

So they had to start from scratch with basically no family support; my dad was a blue-collar worker with limited formal education but a really smart guy who taught himself a lot and which helped him to gain continuous work till he retired in the 1980s; my mom never had much of an education or a career, she was basically a stay-at home mom.

Money has always been a major issue though because they only ever managed to make ends meet. I mean I never went hungry, I had "average" clothes (nothing too fancy but nothing too old and worn) because my mom was always big on "appearances", i.e. she would have died of embarrassement if I had worn stitched or old clothes or stuff like that. But there was a lot of parental tension mostly centering around finances, so I figured from an early age that I better find a way to be self-sufficient in that way, via education and getting a good job (at least you don't really have to pay for education in Germany, for university I was mostly on grants and worked during vacations).

So in that sense, life was average I guess; still that does not mean that I would claim a happy childhood, far from it :p My parents/family has always been pretty dysfunctional, with enough mental problems especially on my mom's side to not having overly fond memories (basically, I don't remember much of my childhood at all), but they felt they have to stick it out because independently they would have not survived (financially, socially, etc.).

During my teenage years I was just keeping my head down to plough through and to get out as soon as I could - which I did when I went to university ... Since then life has been good, no complaints at all from this side .... :D I hope it stays like that ;) But then, if harder times came to pass, I am pretty sure I could still draw on my "survival skills" from my earlier years which is good to know (makes for a certain resilience to hardship, if you know what I mean ^-^ ).

WOW!! :eek:

I think Altarubiaguapa just might win the prize for "Most Hard-Core American Dream Story" :D That was amazing!!




Thank you Harrison!

I love all of my life, the ups and the downs, it has made me who I am! And I love being me! ;)

I grew up with white collar parents. We lived in upper middle class suburbia. I went to good schools. We traveled extensively, year round. My parents thought nothing of taking us out of school to travel, thankfully.

But, as they say, money don't mean squat if you ain't happy. And I grew up with one of the most emotionally devoid households I know of...not to mention the dysfunction of alcoholism and depression.

So the latter were my "hard times" not the economic ones.

And some of my happier times were when my husband and I were struggling financially to make it, but now, I'm fairly well off and I have to say, even though I'm alone, this is better.

I voted for "hard times." I didn't learn until much later that we were apparently always struggling to stay afloat. In fact, my maternal grandmother lived with us and her income helped pay some of the bills.

My dad was a blue collar worker at General Electric. And Mom was a stay at home mom. My grandmother waited tables or cooked for a living.

There were 5 of us children, and my grandmother and my parents living in a 3 bedroom home. All 4 boys in one room. Me and my grandmother in another and of course my parents had their room.

I didn't learn until much later in life that we wouldn't have had Christmas or new clothes/supplies for school if it weren't for my grandmother's income.

We lived what I considered as a child to be a very comfortable life. Mom was president of the PTA and was a cub scout den mother. Dad was the Troop Leader of the Boy Scouts. I was in girl scouts. And Mom taught Sunday School at church.

While we didn't get to go on vacations together as a family, we always had food on the table and clean clothes to wear. Our house was immaculate because my mom was a stay at home mom.

We lived what seemed to be an idyllic life. Living modestly, and wanting for nothing.. or so it seemed to us as children.

But, things took a serious turn when I turned 14. My grandmother (the same one who lived with us) became ill with terminal cancer. And my parents' marriage fell apart. My father moved out and began paying my mother a paltry amount of child support and alimony. And when I say paltry, I DO mean paltry.

My mother, who had dropped out of high school and married my father at age 18, and had never worked outside the home, suddenly needed to find an income. Jobs were very scarce and she had no transportation.

This stress worsened her already horrible illness -- systemic lupus erythematosus. And, on top of all that, she began drinking and hanging out with "no goods," some of which were ex-cons.

For the next few years we lived off commodities (this was prior to the food stamp program). And, frequently our phone or other utilities were shut off for lack of funds to pay them. All the while, my father was living comfortable with his soon to be 2nd wife. :rolleyes:

Time went by and my mother sunk more deeply into an alcoholic, depressed state. Many nights I had to go with her to the parking lots of local taverns to find her partial plate that she had puked up the night before.

I went away to stay with my aunt and uncle while my mother was in the hospital that summer (my little brothers stayed with my dad) and came home to a vermin and insect infested home. Our home had always been SPARKLING clean before all this chaos began. But, we had fleas, roaches, mice and rats everywhere.

And then the riff raff started slowly destroying our home. Items started turning up missing, or were damaged. One night, my brother was assaulted by one of them. Charges were never pressed because my mother was in another state drinking somewhere. The rest of us kids, ages 15, 12 and 11 were still living there unattended until word got out to my father and he came and took us to live with him.

Oh yeah, we had much better living conditions then, but, I hated that time in my life. I had to endure 2 years of emotional abuse at the hands of my stepmother while my brother suffered physical and emotional abuse. My father did nothing to stop it.

My life changed when I went away to college and never returned there. But, I spent summers helping my alcoholic mother get caught up on her debts.

And that was that. So, yeah, I had a period of time you could say were hard times for sure. But, I am so glad to have had a period of time before that that I can look back on with fond memories.

I'm really sorry you had to endure that during your adolescent years. It's hard enough being a teenager, but to go through that is awful, just awful. :(

I've met a lot of nurses who have endured similar things. We're a compassionate but tough lot, aren't we?

Hard Times!! We Had it Pretty Rough

If you call sharing a bedroom with 3 brothers and going hunting for your next meal "Hard Times" than I guess we had it rough. There were 6 kids (2 girls and 4 boys) in my family and we didn't have much but we had so much fun it was unreal. I spent many a week (in the summer) camping on the river fishing and have lots of fun. Mom and Dad worked all the time so we pretty much raised ourselves. Things are much different now my kids have so much stuff that they want for nothing and we try to take several vacations every year to give them fond memory's of their childhood.

As I have read the posts on this thread, as each one of us has been sharing, there is only one conclusion. One way or another, we all have had it pretty rough. Whether it was the issue of no money, no love from the family, psychological/drinking problems or a little of all of them, it is what we made with our upbringing that, like I said, has made us who we are, and we have gone on with our lives the best way we know how, and it seems that we all made it, (maybe a little dented, or scratched) to give a better life to ourselves and to our kids!

Bravo and kudos to each of you. Keep up the good work! ;)

I'm really sorry you had to endure that during your adolescent years. It's hard enough being a teenager, but to go through that is awful, just awful. :( .......


:eek: Ditto what Kat7 said! I'm a little embarassed to have chosen "Hard Times" for my own vote.

The positive thing about that experience -- I imagine -- is that it has helped shape Whiterose into the sweet, compassionate person that we know today. If you have been through Hard Times and remember where you come from, I believe it leaves an indelible mark.

Whiterose, if you are reading this, I definitely recommend seeing the movie mentioned earlier, "The Pursuit of Happyness." I think parts of it will resonate strongly with you. :)

I don't really know how to answer this question because I've never met anybody with a screwier upbringing than the one I've had.

Biological father was a large animal trainer - most notably, he was an elephant herdmaster - and a sexual predator; I lost my virginity at age 3. My mother left him (and me) to join a pot farm in Washington state. When she later moved to the midwest, she sent for me and I went from living three months on a ranch, three months in a shanty on the beach, etc. to living a very privileged life. She met my dad (who adopted me at age 11) and I never wanted for anything financially throughout the rest of my childhood. Did I feel more financially privileged in my new home? Ya know, I really didn't. But it was nice having "stuff," I guess. The "stuff" was also dangled in front of my nose as a carrot. And it was used as a tool to punish as well. Very confusing upbringing. And the extreme emotional abuse that my mother blames on a) me being a difficult child and b) pms ran rampant in my home - it was nothing for her to go several days without speaking to me when she was angry and to conclude the exile with a 7-hour-long speech (not an exaggeration) about how she tried and tried and tried to be a good parent but I made it very difficult.

I, like others here, became a mom as a teenager - in part, I think, to escape that life and in part because I was just a dumb teen who was looking for someone - anyone! - to be content with me, flaws and all.

My entire 20s and 30s have been about trying to learn how to become a strong, nurturing parent who believes in her kids without being naiive (don't laugh - my role models I studied diligently were The Cosbys. And I went to counseling to learn some effective tools, too).

I've also been spending the past several years learning about myself. What do I really want to do with my life? Where do I fit into this big world? Why am I here, really?

And here I am. 41 years old - I finally found it: my passion, my desire to achieve something specific, and the determination to make it happen. I launched my business this past weekend and I am absolutely exhilerated. And determined to succeed. It's not a matter of "will I?" but "How?"

Okay, so I'm not sure where I fit into this poll. I don't really think there is an option for people like me besides the standard "other - I will explain" slot but that's okay. The important thing is I'm finally making it.

Hard Times.

Mom was an abusive bipolar. Dad was a depressed abusive alcoholic. I am the product of their affair (dad was married to another woman). I think one can draw pretty much paint the picture there.

Love in my house equated to daily variety of negative comments. The highlight...I should've been an abortion. I'm not sure how a child develops good self-esteem with comments like that. Now that's some good ole fashioned dysfunctional loving at it's best. :rolleyes:

On the other hand, financially we were pretty well off. Like Kat said. Money don't mean squat in an emotionally dead house. Well technically mine wasn't dead. It was brimming to the edges with negativity. Surprised the foundation didn't spring leaks!

Needless to say I moved out at 15 and had a dysfunctional relationship with both of them until they died.

We all have our baggage that we bring to the table. None better or worse than the next. Just different.

But I have to say that I love this post. It's nice to hear other stories and know that I'm not alone.

We went to CA this summer to meet my fiance's family. While we were there they showed me boxes of pictures. It hurt to see all these boxes of fond memories because I didn't have a box of my own happy memories. So that is this year's mission for me. For Xmas I got one heck of a nice camera and a big sweater box. I plan on filling that box.

My New Year's wish is that every one of us fills a box with great memories to reflect back on. :)

Needless to say I moved out at 15 and had a dysfunctional relationship with both of them until they died.

Insert the age "17" in there, and that's me. But aren't you glad they're dead? I know I am! What a relief! Especially the negative, critical, depressed mother of mine. I like her a lot better in the spirit world.

Insert the age "17" in there, and that's me. But aren't you glad they're dead? I know I am! What a relief! Especially the negative, critical, depressed mother of mine. I like her a lot better in the spirit world.

Kat, I'm so glad someone else put in print what I've secretly felt in my mind.

I am relieved. When each of them died I mourned more the fact that they never realized what they did to me. I was angry they didn't love me enough to try to fix things.

So each of their deaths brought closure to my need to make them validate me and allowed me to move on.

And yes...my mom is much better now that she can't put me down.

I'm really sorry you had to endure that during your adolescent years. It's hard enough being a teenager, but to go through that is awful, just awful. :(

I've met a lot of nurses who have endured similar things. We're a compassionate but tough lot, aren't we?

Thanks, Kat. I always say, "that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger."



The positive thing about that experience -- I imagine -- is that it has helped shape Whiterose into the sweet, compassionate person that we know today. If you have been through Hard Times and remember where you come from, I believe it leaves an indelible mark.


Aww, that's very sweet Harrison, but I'm not sure it made me sweet and compassionate because I was that before that whole mess. But, it did make me tougher around the edges. I had to fight to survive and therefore, something positive did grow from the experience.

And yeah, I definitely want to see that movie. I remember seeing a dateline type episode about the real life character this movie is modeled after and thinking to myself "WOW, now that is a strong human spirit."

I agree with Alta -- I think we all have had our own share of hard times... it's all relative. And if we don't go through severe hard times in this life, we probably will in the next, so that our souls can continue to grow.

Oh yes, my family was very dysfunctional as well... My father had plenty of affairs, mom's attitude was "soap that always last" as long as she got to go out with dad once a week, she was happy. I guess sex must have been great. I was laughed at by my family for any thing, such as my big toes/feet, my horrible singing voice, for being a cry baby, even for my funny looking bowel movement. I got plenty of spankings and punishments, many times for rather insignificant stuff, like not eating my meals. When I went out my only brother had to be my chaperon. I also had to make his bed, his meals and do his homework, mom made me do it. Men wore the pants in our family. My brother liked to boss me around. To this day, he still tries, and of course, we never have had a good relationship. I think he resents the fact that I did something with my life and he has not. But if you were to ask him, he would tell you that the story is, that I have not gotten over that he was the favorite of the family!

I remember a story, my brother was 16 yrs old and getting ready to go out and party, I was 18 and could not go out. I recall my father telling my brother that he hoped for him to go out and get into as many girls' panties as my brother could, but then he turned around and he told me looking at me fierily into my eyes , if a man ever got to my panties he would kill the SOB even if it meant going to jail for the rest of his life! Sex was a big no no for a decent woman, otherwise you be known as a wh***! But then my dad and brother watched porno movies together. Talk about double standards!

Gosh I do not know how I did not end up a basket case! Maybe I did! ;)

PS Hey maybe I should have voted for hard times instead! jajajajaja

ALTA!!! :eek: Oh my God!!!

I got the same thing ... but from my mother. I don't know how I feel about this thread - nothing personal at all - it's just that, for me, reading this and remembering things I know I won't forget but that I would prefer stay in the darker corners behind the file cabinets in my brain, is like surviving a bad car wreck and then picking at the scabs from the injuries.

Kelley, I know a lot of people who feel the way you do.

Me? I like a little blood-letting every day.

Mrs. H for me its just a matter of fact, just sharing! It is a thing of the past and there I have it, in the past. I am living now and grateful for the life I had, regardless how it was, because it made me who I am, and like I say, I am happy how I turned out!

I love life, and like you I am trying to give my kids all that I did not have, and not the materialistic things, even though they have a lot more than I ever had, but giving them the unconditional love I never got from my parents.

I just like to think that my parents did not know any better how to give it to me. But, because I know better, I am giving it to my daughters! God help me to do the best I can, the best I know how and I hope I am giving my children a great legacy to pass it on to their kids!

The unconditional love that all children deserve.

Economically, it was hard times. My father was a laborer going to school nights to become an electronic technician. He died at 44 years of age when I was 16. My mother was a homemaker. She never graduated from high school. There were four children. Money was scarce, but we were fed and clothed and had a roof over our heads. What we lacked in material goods, we made up in much love in our home. My clothes were either handmade by my mother or they were given to us. I didn't eat my first steak until I went out on a date at 18 years of age. Our daily dinner was beans, rice, a vegetable and tortillas, but, I loved it. My father's dream was that I go to college. So, of course, I did. It all depends on your definition here. Financially, it was rough. But, my parents had solid values and they passed those on to us kids. So, with regards to love, it was easy street.

Well I grew up with two loving parents still married... My grandparents married for 53 years or so .....

I never knew the state we were in... My parents always kept that a secret... We didn't have a lot of money... We lived in some bad areas until I was 3 and my dad worked 3 jobs to save money as my mom was raising twins.... They worked very hard to get out of the projects and we did..... Back then it wasn't that bad actually now the city I grew up in is a slum :( but we just worked hard but even then we lived paycheck to paycheck barely making the payments... but like Kat You'd never know it :)

Hard Times!! We Had it Pretty Rough

If you call sharing a bedroom with 3 brothers and going hunting for your next meal "Hard Times" than I guess we had it rough. There were 6 kids (2 girls and 4 boys) in my family and we didn't have much but we had so much fun it was unreal. I spent many a week (in the summer) camping on the river fishing and have lots of fun. Mom and Dad worked all the time so we pretty much raised ourselves. Things are much different now my kids have so much stuff that they want for nothing and we try to take several vacations every year to give them fond memory's of their childhood.

First, I wanted to give a shout out to Kindanice's man BROWNBEAR!! :D I can tell you are a tough hombre, and just as importantly, a great Dad.

Looks like you survived well and did real good in life -- after all Kindanice is your woman! :cool:

Man, I'm proud of you and everyone else who posted.

****


To ALL of you folks: WOW! Look at us... We are some survivors!! I feel like I know all of you a little better, and where you come from, and I'm proud to be friends with folks that know how to struggle and fight to survive.

Y'all are GREAT!! :)

It wasn't the lack of money that really bothers me... it was the total lack of support from anyone. I'm still working through a lot of stuff. I had no aunts/uncles to help, my mother was injured and depressed, my dad was working in a different city, we didn't have a homecare nurse or anything to help my mother (who for 3 months was actually paralyzed and I had to take care of her, but no one was there to take care of me). I felt so alone. :(

It wasn't the lack of money that really bothers me... it was the total lack of support from anyone. I'm still working through a lot of stuff. I had no aunts/uncles to help, my mother was injured and depressed, my dad was working in a different city, we didn't have a homecare nurse or anything to help my mother (who for 3 months was actually paralyzed and I had to take care of her, but no one was there to take care of me). I felt so alone. :(

I'm sorry PinkCat. :( In a situation like that, extended kin are critical. We've always sheltered relatives in a jam, or been the ones needing shelter.

In our case we DID have uncles and aunts to lean on. They are still there. Once back in '97 I needed some emergency financing for a vehicle I was trying to buy. I called up my Aunt, and she came through for me.... $1,000 just like that.

AFTER my parents declined to help. ;)

You can't choose your relatives, can you?

(((HUGS)))

I think I'd change my vote from "hard times" but the other choices don't fit.

I mean, it depends on certain periods and whether or not you're talking financially or emotionally.

Financially, we were up and down, but only lived in true poverty-like conditions once, and for a short time.

We never went hungry.

Family support-wise, I was incredibly blessed. I had two loving parents who were together for 40 years. My mother had a very diffuicult life as the oldest of 8, with a cold mother and a father who sexually abused her and her sisters. He was the pillar of the community on the outside, but a true *****-up in private. She suffers from depression and almost killed herself once (on Prozac) but tried very hard to hide it from us kids. She worked very hard to support us and tried to give my father everything he wanted, because we didn't know how long he'd last. We spent many a holiday visiting him in the hospital.

Dad was a stay-at-home and made sure we had clean clothes and food in our bellies.

Compared to our peers, we were financial hillbillies, but we had a loving home!

I was molested as a child by a babysitter and that screwed me up through my formative years regarding relationships, which made those years hard for me.

But I would hardly call it "average." Maybe that's why I didn't make it my initial vote - the choice of words.

My choice would be more like "hard times and good times."

Maybe its a "grass is greener" thing. When you are growing up, it seems like everyone else is "normal" and has it better than you, but when you talk to those people now, I'm sure you'd find all sorts of things out that would surprise you.

...We never went hungry.

Family support-wise, I was incredibly blessed. I had two loving parents who were together for 40 years.....

Kristin,

I enjoyed reading your post. These two snippets are what unite us.

My parents always, always found a way to stick together, despite their fights and mutual frustrations. They always made sure that my Sis and I were provided for.

Family is like GOLD!! :)

I'm sorry PinkCat. :( In a situation like that, extended kin are critical. We've always sheltered relatives in a jam, or been the ones needing shelter.

In our case we DID have uncles and aunts to lean on. They are still there. Once back in '97 I needed some emergency financing for a vehicle I was trying to buy. I called up my Aunt, and she came through for me.... $1,000 just like that.

AFTER my parents declined to help. ;)

You can't choose your relatives, can you?

(((HUGS)))

Thanks, Harrison, I appreciate that. I'm all bummed out now, thinking about it, heehee. If I'd even had one person telling me, "It's okay, you will get through this, it won't always be like this, just go to school and I'm here for you" it would have been totally different. I ended up going back and finishing high school at 19 and going on to finish university by 23, but seriously... no thanks to anyone but myself! :D Oh well.

Thanks, Harrison, I appreciate that I'm all bummed out now, thinking about it, heehee. If I'd even had one person telling me, "It's okay, you will get through this, it won't always be like this, just go to school and I'm here for you" it would have been totally different. I ended up going back and finishing high school at 19 and going on to finish university by 23, but seriously... no thanks to anyone but myself! :D Oh well.

There you go! ;) As I was saying, we are some survivors here!!

That adversity isn't for nothing.

Harrison no all families are like GOLD!! Even though I say family is thicker than blood except when it comes to money (primarily when it comes to inheritance, I have seen so many families fight over the mula) but yes families for one reason or another, stick together, even when there has been physical/sexual abuse among family members.

I guess it has to do with the logical reasoning that we do not choose our family, like we choose our friends. Our amigos are our choices, our family is not. So we learn to accept it and live with it. Very few people get away from it all, but if we did, then we would not have family!

Hopefully there will always be friends there for us... :D

I must admit, I am very close to my children but not to my parents nor my brother and that is life, but they are still family and for that reason I love them, but conditionally, as a result of the love I got from them as I was growing up.

I no longer get sad nor upset when I think about some events of my childhood and my family, because as I say, my parents did not know any better, but I am glad I do know better!

Can we live without our familias, our families of origin that is? ;)

PS Again, I would not change a thing about my upbringing. It was what it was and that is all it was.

Harrison no all families are like GOLD!! Even though I say family is thicker than blood except when it comes to money (primarily when it comes to inheritance, I have seen so many families fight over the mula) but yes families for one reason or another, stick together, even when there has been physical/sexual abuse among family members.

I guess it has to do with the logical reasoning that we do not choose our family, like we choose our friends. Our amigos are our choices, our family is not. So we learn to accept it and live with it. Very few people get away from it all, but if we did, then we would not have family!

Hopefully there will always be friends there for us... :D...

Yes, Alta... I know not ALL familes are like gold, believe me. :D

I am referring to the ideal situation, you know? My Dad is one of the kindest people I know. It would be unthinkable for him to molest us, or abuse us, or give us up for adoption, or do drugs in front of us... or those horrible things you hear about parents doing.

We were only two kids: brother and sister. So it was easy to get lots of love and affection. :)

When I go to a family reunion and meet my extended kin whom I barely know, I am in awe of some of them, amazed at how beautiful some of them are, or how smart others are... and I think "Wow!! We are all the same blood!"

That's what I was thinking of when I said they are like "GOLD"

My parents weren't necessarily poor, but poor budget planners. My father was also an alcholic, so a lot of money went to that habit. I grew up in a trailor, sitting in a trailor park on a rented lot. Not exactly the thing that makes you part of the "in" crowd at school.

When I was young I wore a lot of hand-me-downs from cousins and even from my older brother who is 7 years older than I. No big deal until I got to middle school, and then not so dang cool.

My Mother tried harder in middle school and high school to buy me cooler clothes, but that only led to more budget issues as she used credit. I remember being on a 1st name basis (still remember it) with the credit collector from Sears that called our home looking for my Mom. I always got to answer the phone and lie for her (she's not here).

I won't say I didn't take from this situation though...I learned how to be a much more responsible adult, and although I do use credit, I also pay it back in full monthly, and I know when I can't afford something to just walk away from it, no matter how tempted I am to do otherwise.

My parents weren't necessarily poor, but poor budget planners. My father was also an alcholic, so a lot of money went to that habit. I grew up in a trailor, sitting in a trailor park on a rented lot. Not exactly the thing that makes you part of the "in" crowd at school.....

Yep! We did not have trailers in the town I grew up in. However we did have some tore-up apartments and I lived in one of them all throughout high-school. It was one of those buildings where a wino or vagrant would feel comfortable just plunking his butt down to relax on the front steps for 3 or 4 hours. :rolleyes:

Sheesh! There's nothing worse than going home to a place that you are ashamed of every single day. That's another reason I voted for "Hard Times."

If your friends at school invite you to a nice weekend get-together at their place on the nice side of town, and you see what nice digs they have...

it's HORRIBLE to feel too embarassed to invite them over to your place.

That's what really torqued me when I was a kid. I vowed that my own children would NEVER live in a place where they were ashamed to have company over. :o

My father was a struggling jazz musician. But after ten years of marriage and one child, things were finally beginning to look up, with lots of bright prospects on the horizon. So my parents took the plunge... bought a new house, took on mortgage payments, and had a second child... me.

The bright prospects failed to materialize. After two more years of struggle and despair, he finally gave up. According to his obituary: "after carefully checking to see that his dues in two AFM locals were paid up (to insure death benefits) and the premium on another insurance policy also up to date, he drove into a canyon back of Hollywood and ended his life by carbon monoxide poisoning in his car. Friends said his problems were mainly financial and stemmed from the fact that despite his unusual creative ability he was unable to build an adequate income."

He was 33 years old, my sister was 8, I was 2.

The small death compensation didn't carry us far. Within 5 months we were destitute, and my mother felt forced to remarry at the first opportunity. She made a tragic choice. Our stepfather was the classic "Mr. Wonderful to the world, but Mr. Monster behind closed doors." In other words, a violent brute. Our home was a perpetual battleground.

The new husband had lied about two key things: (1) after the first month of marriage, he told my mother he didn't really love her, he had only married her because he felt sorry for her; and (2) his teaching salary was actually half of what he had claimed when he proposed... not enough to support a family of four. My mother started to take in ironing to make ends meet (barely). When I turned 3 and was big enough to toddle along with her, she got a job as an Avon Lady. As we went door to door, I was supposed to hide in the shrubbery so her customers wouldn't see that she had a little kid in tow. It was a game for me... I was rewarded with miniature samples of lipstick and perfume for being quiet and staying hidden.

Eventually my mother taught herself how to refinish furniture, which she did partly for trade to one of the best antiques dealers in the LA area. By careful trading up, she created a beautiful home for us, filled with nice things. Meanwhile, she also managed a small after-hours business for my stepfather... he cleaned swimming pools on the weekends. We all brought in extra income... my sister took over the ironing business for my mom... I started babysitting at age 10... by age 16 I was tutoring trigonometry (I was a honors student in math). We all worked, and eventually we had a comfortable middle class life.

My sister and I grew up being told that our real father had died in an auto accident. I didn't learn the truth until I was 35. Then my own dark period began, while I tried to come to an understanding of what had driven him to suicide. I went down into darkness, but some power pulled me back from the brink. To paraphrase E. M. Forster, I was not in the abyss, but I could see it.

I don't want to get too much into my adulthood, except to say that I've seen many ups and downs. That perspective gets me through the bad times... and the good! ;)

I never understood why my mother stayed in a loveless marriage with my stepfather... that is, I didn't understand until she died and I began the sad task of going through her belongings. Under her bed I found an old shoebox stuffed with yellowing newspaper clippings of Dear Abby and Ann Landers... all with the basic theme of "How to save your marriage." I guess having seen her first marriage end in the worst possible tragedy, she was determined to hang onto the second marriage, whether it was worth saving or not. I won't judge whether it was worth it for her... only she knows that... and she's not telling.

My admiration for all of us who've been through hard times and yet made our lives shine, somehow or other.

xo Faith