Why do men hate talking about relationships?

I know not all men are like that, so I am going to request we refrain from posts like, "But my man loves talking about that stuff" or whatever. Why do men typically dislike talking about relationships? Why do some men avoid it like the plague?

Enquiring minds want to know.

BTW, I'm putting this in this forum because I want both OW/YM and OM/YW couples to answer.

I'm particularly interested in what the dudes have to say.

I hope I am allowed to give it a shot even though I am not a guy ;)

Just guessing based on family and friends' relationships and my observation, but I think that many men often perceive relationship talk as a minefield where they can only lose. Like, it always leads from one bit to the other and sooner or later, g/f or wife is hearing something she didn't like and freaks out ...

Maybe I just have a pretty skewed view on relationships though ;)
Not to mention the fact that I am not the type of girl who talks too much about that either (I am more the silent, decisive type :p ).

I'm particularly interested in what the dudes have to say.

Me too! I want to hear what the men have to say. (But the problem is, they hate talking about it.)

Me too! I want to hear what the men have to say. (But the problem is, they hate talking about it.)

OMG, you are right...

Man. And they think women are hard to figure out. At least we talk about stuff!!

Carazy, I think you may be on the right track.

I just don't get it.

I have had my share of those who do talk and don't... Those who didn't want to talk about it from my experience were those who weren't serious about our relationship. I don't know .. maybe some just have a problem with dicussing their feelings... some people just can't be open about how they feel..

I have used the Margaret Mead approach to men for years, basically because to me they are such interesting, foreign creatures :) I think this question is best answered by the Mars/Venus approach, in that our perceptions are vastly different.

(Please remember that I'm not talking about ALL men...just every man I've ever dated!!! Heh)

Men are much more visually oriented than women. We accept that in terms of their sexuality, but I think it basically applies across the board. For most men, the ramblings of a woman closely resembles the wah-wah vocalizations of the adults in a Charlie Brown special. They tend not to listen too carefully to the things we say (unless there's something in it for them), but they DO watch very closely the things we do. Naturally, because this is how they think, they expect us to do the same. If a guy loves you, he doesn't really talk about it much, but he DOES show you, in various ways that can be picked up if you look for them. Alas we women think all men ought to talk like they do in the soaps or the romance novels...and honestly, what man talks like that in normal life?

In my slowly manifesting relationship with THE DUDE (which is what I call him because I'm not yet comfortable calling him my guy), he swears up and down he's made his feelings very clear to me. I replied to this, oh? You told me you were jealous...then you let me know you wanted to cuddle with me. You were extremely happy for me concerning events in my life recently, and from that I can determine you're interested...but you've never actually come out and SAID anything. He was all...oh...well...I MEANT to...and last night, after a stressful day, he asked me if he could call because he really needed to hear my voice. These are his cues, for letting me know how he feels. Notice he cleverly STILL hasn't came right out and said anything, yet :)

In closing, I'm reminded of Bill Sykes in Oliver!, when Nancy asked him if he loved her. His reply was, "Whaddya fink? I'm LIVIN with you, aren't I?" And yes, we all know how that turned out, but...in terms of this argument, that's not the point.

I have had my share of those who do talk and don't... Those who didn't want to talk about it from my experience were those who weren't serious about our relationship. I don't know .. maybe some just have a problem with dicussing their feelings... some people just can't be open about how they feel..

That's interesting, Mer, because in MY experience, the guys who seem incredibly at ease with discussing their feelings always seem to be the players. They have no problems in telling you how wonderful you are, sexy, interesting, all that nonsense, but it's merely a hunting technique. If you question them on it, they disappear pretty fast.

I've learned that still waters run deep, and the ones who are genuine are the ones who SHOW you, rather than TELL you.

What about the rest of you ladies, since the men are so reticent to give up trade secrets? :)

By Terrence Real

Called: I Dont Want To Talk About It ( Overcoming The Secret Legacy Of Male Depression ) It goes into several senerios of why men dont like to talk about stuff and also gives points about why some men seam angry and distant on certain subjects.

It was an easy read and kept me interested. I suggest it as a read for everyone. Man & women.

I read it several years ago when I was trying to understand what went wrong with the man I married and was with for 16 years. His anger and abuse was what did us in. I just couldnt take it any more......after reading that book I realized it would have taken a lot of therapy to fix what I tried to fix over and over, over many years we were tohether. I could have never fixed him, I just wish I had understood where he was coming from when we were together, I would have pushed the counselor issue more. He was not the one needing to be fixed, his words, and I only made suble suggestions over the last few years we were together.

Anyway it is a good read and brings to light things I am now more aware of the way I raise my son.



Wendy

That's interesting, Mer, because in MY experience, the guys who seem incredibly at ease with discussing their feelings always seem to be the players. They have no problems in telling you how wonderful you are, sexy, interesting, all that nonsense, but it's merely a hunting technique. If you question them on it, they disappear pretty fast.

I've learned that still waters run deep, and the ones who are genuine are the ones who SHOW you, rather than TELL you.

What about the rest of you ladies, since the men are so reticent to give up trade secrets? :)

I agree.. it is much better to show you then to tell you....The only two in my life that were so willing to discuss everything about our relationship also showed me..... they were my Late fiance and My Husband...

I have used the Margaret Mead approach to men for years

Wasn't she a researcher and observer of chimpanzees?:eek: :D

....I'm particularly interested in what the dudes have to say.

Hi, PinkCat...

2 hours gone by and no guys are biting, huh?? Oops! LADave beat me to it. :D


I will give it a crack. First of all, let's not assume a "universal" phenomenon, okay? Maybe it's an American cultural trait in particular. "North American" if we refer to the English-speakers of the USA and Canada.

Maybe it's true that -- just to choose a wild hypothetical example -- Arab men are more comfortable discussing feelings and therefore relationships than North American men. I have NO idea if this is true or not. I just know that:

* Arab men are comfortable openly kissing one another on both cheeks in ritual greeting.

* Saddam Hussein used to host an international Arabic poetry competition with a large First Place Prize. It may have been a $1 million prize -- but maybe not. Not sure of the figure.

Now I KNOW that a lot of American men, especially blue-collar types, would look at what I just mentioned above (regarding Arabs and Iraqis) and ask "HUH?? What the F is all this queered out Homo Bull****???" :D

Do we American males regard being expressive, analytical, self-reflective and eloquent as quintessentially feminine traits??? Or if males engage in them, as effeminate/homosexual characteristics?

Do we regard the silent taciturn "Marlboro Man" - embodied by Clint Eastwood's famous Western movie character - as the true symbol of masculinity?? Remember how "The Man with No Name" wouldn't really spend time talking with ladies about his feelings or theirs? He might just drag some sassy broad into a barn, throw her onto a pile of hay and.... :o

Of course NOT ALL 19th century gunmen/cowboys were like that. Some wrote eloquent love letters to their lady loves, but they would have been in the minority since most guys couldn't read or write back then. To be a man of letters was associated with being literate or a "gentlemen," and those folks were a definite minority.

Can you be articulate about your feelings if you don't read or write? If you hate to read? If you prefer to watch a football game or a NASCAR race or a porn movie over reading serious literature?

Personally, I doubt it. Just my hunch.

What's your take? What do other folks think??

Wasn't she a researcher and observer of chimpanzees?:eek: :D

No Dave, she was a socio-anthropologist who specialized in primitive cultures, particularly those of Polynesia and Samoa. Her main focus was sex and temperment, and trying to determine whether the difficult transition from adolescence into adulthood, for instance, was a human condition or a cultural one. She also wanted to determine whether male aggression and female passivity was also cultural or ingrained. Check her out in Wikipedia, very interesting findings.

Hi, PinkCat...

2 hours gone by and no guys are biting, huh?? Oops! LADave beat me to it. :D


I will give it a crack. First of all, let's not assume a "universal" phenomenon, okay? Maybe it's an American cultural trait in particular. "North American" if we refer to the English-speakers of the USA and Canada.

Maybe it's true that -- just to choose a wild hypothetical example -- Arab men are more comfortable discussing feelings and therefore relationships than North American men. I have NO idea if this is true or not. I just know that:

* Arab men are comfortable openly kissing one another on both cheeks in ritual greeting.

* Saddam Hussein used to host an international Arabic poetry competition with a large First Place Prize. It may have been a $1 million prize -- but maybe not. Not sure of the figure.

Now I KNOW that a lot of American men, especially blue-collar types, would look at what I just mentioned above (regarding Arabs and Iraqis) and ask "HUH?? What the F is all this queered out Homo Bull****???" :D

Do we American males regard being expressive, analytical, self-reflective and eloquent as quintessentially feminine traits??? Or if males engage in them, as effeminate/homosexual characteristics?

Do we regard the silent taciturn "Marlboro Man" - embodied by Clint Eastwood's famous Western movie character - as the true symbol of masculinity?? Remember how "The Man with No Name" wouldn't really spend time talking with ladies about his feelings or theirs? He might just drag some sassy broad into a barn, throw her onto a pile of hay and.... :o

Of course NOT ALL 19th century gunmen/cowboys were like that. Some wrote eloquent love letters to their lady loves, but they would have been in the minority since most guys couldn't read or write back then. To be a man of letters was associated with being literate or a "gentlemen," and those folks were a definite minority.

Can you be articulate about your feelings if you don't read or write? If you hate to read? If you prefer to watch a football game or a NASCAR race or a porn movie over reading serious literature?

Personally, I doubt it. Just my hunch.

What's your take? What do other folks think??


Well, Harrison, you're an articulate guy. Do you vocalize your emotions? Are you comfortable when your lady brings up "the talk"?

Well, Harrison, you're an articulate guy. Do you vocalize your emotions? Are you comfortable when your lady brings up "the talk"?

It depends on the context. We had a marital crisis that almost led to divorce and we spent months in couples counseling. I could talk about my feelings there just fine. A professional facilitator made a lot of difference.

At home, I'm not always comfortable because I don't see my spouse as a particularly skilled conversationalist nor do I see her as deeply analytical with respect to personality, society or politics.

*****
Example: We talk about a certain person she recently met.

Me: "Huh! Would you say he's a working-class or middle-class type.... or what?"

Wife: "(sigh) I don't know! I just don't know about this -class stuff. I didn't grow up talking about all that."

Me: feeling frustrated and thinking to myself "Oh brother!!"
*****

If a person can rigorously analyze his/her own faults as well as strengths, his/her place in society, his/her education level, and do so dispassionately, I think that's a great basis for having a quality talk about emotions and relationships.

Otherwise, a talk with no underlying foundation or structure to it is just a bull session, IMHO.

OMG, you are right...

Man. And they think women are hard to figure out. At least we talk about stuff!!

Carazy, I think you may be on the right track.

I just don't get it.

I do think Carazy IS on the right track, or one of the right tracks.

Ever met someone who takes constructive criticism as virtually an insult or a challenge? They respond with a counter-critique of YOU, as if the tit-for-tat exchange resolves the problem.

If a lady or a man has this reaction, then you can forget about a good relationship discussion because you know that inevitably hostility will arise. :eek:

There can be no dispassionate, adult discussion. :(

I do think Carazy IS on the right track, or one of the right tracks.

Ever met someone who takes constructive criticism as virtually an insult or a challenge? They respond with a counter-critique of YOU, as if the tit-for-tat exchange resolves the problem.

If a lady or a man has this reaction, then you can forget about a good relationship discussion because you know that inevitably hostility will arise. :eek:

There can be no dispassionate, adult discussion. :(

I agree, Harrison. That minefield can best be illustrated with the whole "do I look fat i this dress" example. Frankly, if a woman HAS to ask, she already knows the answer. People who would rather hear a lie than the honest truth drive me nuts. The truth may hurt, but you're always better off.

Shrug

I like to talk.

I know some guys that also like to, and some that don't.

But, we are men, and we're not supposed to be weak, we're supposed to look after you. I've seen many times on here that women like to have someone that makes them feel safe, etc.

For some men opening up is a sign of weakness. It's due to sociology more than anything else.


Edit: I don't buy into any of it.

Shrug

I like to talk.

I know some guys that also like to, and some that don't.

But, we are men, and we're not supposed to be weak, we're supposed to look after you. I've seen many times on here that women like to have someone that makes them feel safe, etc.

For some men opening up is a sign of weakness. It's due to sociology more than anything else.


Edit: I don't buy into any of it.

Which is so funny, because if a guy opens up to me, and allows himself to become vulnerable, I absolutely and totally melt. It is the sexiest, most wonderful thing a man could do. He does that, and I am his.

Shrug

I like to talk.

I know some guys that also like to, and some that don't.

But, we are men, and we're not supposed to be weak, we're supposed to look after you. I've seen many times on here that women like to have someone that makes them feel safe, etc.

For some men opening up is a sign of weakness......


Spot on, Rob!!

The movie I recently saw, Blood Diamond immediately came to mind

The hero, Archer (played by Leonardo DiCaprio) is a rugged, tough-as-nails South African warrior who saves himself and his companions from death many times in the backwoods of Africa.

Only at one point, and under the influence of alcohol, does he open up to Maddy, the beautiful American journalist who is starting to fall for him. He reveals to her that his parents were brutally murdered on their farm in Rhodesia when he was a boy. She responds with sweetness and sensitivity, gently taking his hand in hers.

But he could only do that after having saved her life and proving his worth as a man -- which is to protect the womenfolk in his care. He also does NOT cry. ;)


My own father, who was a good provider for our family, was also stern and reserved. I don't recall seeing him weep at either Grandma's funeral or Grandpa's. (In contrast, I was sobbing like a fool :o) He was raised as an old-fashioned Texas farm boy. Very masculine, very reserved with feelings...

No talk from him about sex or relationships whatsoever as I grew up.

For better or worse, these are the MEN who make us who we are.

If he doesn't like talking about that stuff, then the relationship isn't important to him, and he knows it. He knows you're not the one he really wants.

Sad, but true.

If he doesn't like talking about that stuff, then the relationship isn't important to him, and he knows it. He knows you're not the one he really wants.

Sad, but true.

Oh, I wouldn't jump to that conclusion. It may be, as I said earlier, that the lady is not a good communicator.

Just because you're a woman does NOT mean you can carry on a mature, intelligent, civil discussion. ;)

I just feel that if you're the right one for him, he will do anything in his power to communicate with you about relationship issues, even at the risk of appearing 'weak', and will actually enjoy it and look forward to it. If he doesn't put effort into that, well....you're not what he has in mind for a long-term relationship.

I'm going to post a probably controversial theory here (not totally related to my original post, but kind of going with the flow of the conversation)...

I notice a lot of women here are very eager to point out what a "healthy" relationship "should be" (which in my mind translates to an "ideal" relationship) and a lot of times people here are very quick to say stuff like, your man doesn't love you if... or big red flag if... etc.

And here's my controversial theory: I think it comes down to the fact that women are relentlessly competitive with each other, but do it subtly so as to be able to say, "But I ONLY said..." When these types of statements (like "this means your man doesn't love you" or "big red flag") often say to me, when they aren't about out-and-out abuse, are "My boyfriend's better than your boyfriend."

Discuss.

I'm totally hijacking my own thread, haha.

I just feel that if you're the right one for him, he will do anything in his power to communicate with you about relationship issues, even at the risk of appearing 'weak', and will actually enjoy it and look forward to it. If he doesn't put effort into that, well....you're not what he has in mind for a long-term relationship.

I truly think you are at risk of mis-reading the male psyche. What if the man has a learning disability (dyslexia) that makes it extremely difficult to read ?

What if he is functionally illiterate (widespread among American adults) ?

How does he develop the vocabulary to move beyond Junior High puppy-love-talk (Jill luvs Steve 4Ever!!) and communicate about relationships at an advanced, mature level?

How does he read a book on Relationships??

(I admit getting the book on tape would help -- but only if it's already available in that format)

I'm just trying to throw out examples to show why a man is not necessarily at fault because he is not communicating with his woman.

I have the answer!!!

Men THINK they can read our minds (which they don't have a clue :rolleyes: ) and they think we should be able to read theirs! :D

So, they THINK they don't HAVE to TALK about it (which is sooooooo wrong . . . because, of course, they read our minds wrong ;) )

.

I'm going to post a probably controversial theory here (not totally related to my original post, but kind of going with the flow of the conversation)...

I notice a lot of women here are very eager to point out what a "healthy" relationship "should be" (which in my mind translates to an "ideal" relationship) and a lot of times people here are very quick to say stuff like, your man doesn't love you if... or big red flag if... etc.

And here's my controversial theory: I think it comes down to the fact that women are relentlessly competitive with each other, but do it subtly so as to be able to say, "But I ONLY said..." When these types of statements (like "this means your man doesn't love you" or "big red flag") often say to me, when they aren't about out-and-out abuse, are "My boyfriend's better than your boyfriend."

Discuss.

LOL!! Nice, PinkCat! :D

That's possibly a VERY perceptive observation. I hadn't thought about it (being a man, of course) but it seems like a reasonable theory on the face of it.

I mean humans across the board are competitive in all aspects, and love one-ups-man-ship. I admit to doing it too when some fun-but-goofy thread about male member size pops up! :D I love to do the "Well *cough* *cough* I don't seem to have a problem in that regard " :) (Sort of brag without bragging, right??)

As I am CLEARLY doing right here -- but I digress. *GRIN*

LOL. Anyway, looking forward to seeing where this phase of the thread goes.

This is by far one of the more amusing threads I have found here. Men and communication. Have we graduated beyond the point of thinking that if it is food kill it, if it is cute drag it back to the cave by it's hair?:D

I just feel that if you're the right one for him, he will do anything in his power to communicate with you about relationship issues, even at the risk of appearing 'weak', and will actually enjoy it and look forward to it. If he doesn't put effort into that, well....you're not what he has in mind for a long-term relationship.

I have a fifteen year relationship and twelve year marriage going here. I hate discussing feelings. I was raised with the standard boys don't cry and a man's job is to make things right with his family. Do I discuss feelings with my wife? Only when she makes me. Marriage has been great and I love my wife to pieces, but this one thing will stop me from ever doing it again. Hope she outlives me.

The feelings talk always includes things that I try hard not to think about and I fail to see how forcing someone to dredge all that bad crap up and spew it forth helps anyone. I will always listen to my wife discuss here feelings, likes, cares, worries, loves and fears. I never criticize them and I am grateful she feels that she should share them with me. What I dislike, is when she wants me to do the same with her. Frankly, I don't share those with anyone. It was how I was raised and I kind of like it that way. I think I am rambling here, hope it helps with the thread though.

What do you want them to talk about and is it really necessary?

In my opinion, many women tend to over-anaylize and discuss ad-nauseum.

Are we asking why guys hold in being upset, scared or frustrated and won't vent to us?

Or why guys don't talk about everything they love/dislike about their woman TO their woman and/or each other in detail?

What do you want them to talk about and is it really necessary?

In my opinion, many women tend to over-anaylize and discuss ad-nauseum...

True! :D And yet the very best of them can get filthy rich doing it, ie. Oprah. :p

Can't we talk about cars instead?

LOL ....

just joking
George

LOL :D that was funny, George!

What do you want them to talk about and is it really necessary?

In my opinion, many women tend to over-anaylize and discuss ad-nauseum.

Are we asking why guys hold in being upset, scared or frustrated and won't vent to us?

Or why guys don't talk about everything they love/dislike about their woman TO their woman and/or each other in detail?

:)

Just why, with some guys, if you say, let's talk about where this is going, they flip. I'm just wondering in response to another thread here. I've heard of that happening lots before too.

I don't get it. In my experience, men tend to be VERY open to talking about it -- at the beginning. In fact, in almost every relationship I've been in, at the beginning the guy is like, what are we? Let's define this, are we boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. etc. before I'm even sure. But then a couple years later, it seems to be me who is more interested in seeing what's going where, etc. Just my personal experience.