LadyLazarus
02-09-2003, 08:11 PM
I'm relieved that I found this message board because I have some serious issues with my almost 6-year-old YW/OM relationship, and I hope to receive some helpful suggestions and advice. So, let me begin my story...
To give you some history about our relationship, we met in a local chatroom during the summer of '97. This transformed from lengthy and interesting chats to several nightly e-mails until we decided to finally talk on the phone and meet the very next day.
Initially, we met in the beginning of summer (on the rebound of a break-up with my ex-YM of six months), and I didn't work up the nerve to actually meet him (even for coffee) until September. Why? At the time, he was 47 years old, and I was barely 21. Plus, I still lived at home while attending college full-time, and I knew my parents would disapprove, especially my dad.
By mid-October, I moved in with my OM after he offered to let me stay because I had told him how I couldn't go on living with my alcoholic parents. He fully understood my situation as his own father let alcohol destroy his life and hurt everyone around him.
But I knew if my dad ever found out about any of this, he would probably try to kill my OM and disown me as he has done with his own siblings and mother over disagreements in the past. So, I didn't want to jeopardize my relationship with my parents because then I wouldn't be able to see my little brother.
To protect my OM, myself, & my parents,I lied to them about my new residence. I told them I lived alone in the apartment above my OM's business because the rent was cheap, and they knew I couldn't afford much at the time. I also told them that I worked for him as his secretary, which I did at times after quitting my part-time job and college.
I could no longer focus on anything then. In hindsight, I know that I was very physically ill from '97 to '01. That illness was responsible for me feeling fatigued, depressed, etc. My OM sensed something was wrong with me, but I was too depressed to see a doctor. And he didn't push the issue. He just took care of me.
After nine months in our relationship, I discovered that my OM lied about three things. First, he wasn't divorced. He just hadn't lived with his estranged wife since '92 or '93. He didn't pursue a divorce because he was too afraid that she would take him to the cleaners and force him to close his business. Plus, he has five kids with her. For some reason, he told me he only had four. But he rarely ever sees his kids except for maybe a glimpse on Saturdays when she periodically brings them along when picking up her weekly "child support" check. He really doesn't have a relationship with any of his children, especially now that they are mostly grown. Their ages are--22, 21, 20, 17 and 16. I have never met them, but I suspect that they know about me through their mother who found out about us in a curious way.
He also lied about his age. He said he was two years younger.
I don't understand why he fibbed by a few years on his age and one child less, which didn't upset me as much as the "not being divorced yet" part.
In the meantime, we secretly lived together in the apartment above his business for about a year and a half or so. Then, we moved into a rental house, where we still remain. During that course of time, my 22-year-old sister came to live with us because she could no longer live with our alcoholic parents. Like me, she was quickly losing her sanity at home. My boyfriend felt bad for her as well, and he agreed to let her stay with us. Sometimes I think it's added more strain on our relationship.
Fast forward to present day, and my OM is still not divorced yet. Even after years of persuasion and threats to leave, he still will not get a divorce. Why? For the same reasons as six years ago. He is afraid she will clean him out. She will take his business away. She will cost him extra money that he doesn't have (like she hasn't already). In the beginning of our relationship, he used to give her $700 per week, then reduced it to $600, and finally $500 in the last year or so. In the last few months, the business hasn't being doing so well due to the bad economy and winter season, so she has only been averaging around $1300 per month. Plus, she works full-time and earns $300-350 per week. Her two daughters no longer live at home; they live away at school. Her son works full-time while going to school part-time. So, essentially, she really only has two "children" to care for.
However, he still refuses to get a divorce or even discuss his situation with a divorce attorney. I suggested that he do so because he found out that his estranged wife ran up her credit cards to $30K so he decided to refinance the house she lives in and clean up her debts. These are not joint accounts either. Two and a half years later, he discovered that she ran up those same accounts again. This time she has maxed them out to approx. $50K or more. Again, he still hasn't made a move to get a divorce.
I don't understand why he lets this stupid woman financially ruin him. She has brainwashed the kids to hate him so he doesn't have a relationship with them. Whenever she comes around, his mood turns sour. Clearly, he hasn't loved her in years. So, I don't understand why he allows this marriage to survive on paper because that's all it has become. Just a legal binding document.
He also doesn't understand why I am disturbed by his so-called marriage. I told him we can't have a future together if he doesn't get a divorce from her. He said she probably already ruined his credit, and that it wouldn't be smart for us to get married even if he was divorced. That they would combine our income and he would actually be forced to pay more child support in the end.
I told him I don't think he loves me enough because if he did, he would've been frantically working on divorcing her in a heartbeat.
Instead, I'm left to wonder how I'll manage to get myself out of this relationship. I don't think I can go on like this. My parents still don't know about us. I'm too ashamed to tell them, especially after all these years of lying. I can't come clean now. My dad will certainly disown us. My sister has kept everything a secret, too.
But mostly I'm ashamed because I feel like such a fool for clinging onto the hope of him getting a divorce and making our relationship feel more legitimate, more serious.
All I can think of is how I'll turn 27, and with every passing year, it will become increasingly difficult to find that one special man whom I want to spend the rest of my life with... After six years, I think I deserve more. I want a husband. Not just some woman's estranged husband. To hide our relationship like the dirty little secret that it is. I want to free myself of the lies. I'm tired of the lies upon lies upon lies. It interferes with every aspect of my life. As a result, I've lost contact with several friends, even relatives (my aunt & uncle). I just don't know what to do because I'm not in a position where I can afford to live on my own, even with my sister. I work full-time as a manager, but I have a lot of debts to pay off (car loan, credit cards, student loans, etc.), and my sister doesn't seem to be motivated enough to get a better paying job that's full-time. Also, I've been struggling to finish my degree by going to school off and on due to being sick for four years or so.
It's just so hard to make a decision because it's not only financially stressful but emotionally and psychologically as well. I've become so attached and dependent on my boyfriend. He is practically the only man I've been involved with besides one other guy. I love him to death, but this whole situation is just tearing me apart. It's the only thing I focus on now. It has only left me to wonder if he really loves me. Or if this relationship was built on convenience and deception, and now it's crumbling because there never was a solid foundation to begin with.
I'm so torn between staying and waiting if he'll ever get a divorce (when the last kid turns 22 perhaps?) or somehow, some way leaving.
God, my life is such a mess! I feel like a total failure. All suggestions and feedback would be appreciated.
Thank you so much for reading.
Linda
To give you some history about our relationship, we met in a local chatroom during the summer of '97. This transformed from lengthy and interesting chats to several nightly e-mails until we decided to finally talk on the phone and meet the very next day.
Initially, we met in the beginning of summer (on the rebound of a break-up with my ex-YM of six months), and I didn't work up the nerve to actually meet him (even for coffee) until September. Why? At the time, he was 47 years old, and I was barely 21. Plus, I still lived at home while attending college full-time, and I knew my parents would disapprove, especially my dad.
By mid-October, I moved in with my OM after he offered to let me stay because I had told him how I couldn't go on living with my alcoholic parents. He fully understood my situation as his own father let alcohol destroy his life and hurt everyone around him.
But I knew if my dad ever found out about any of this, he would probably try to kill my OM and disown me as he has done with his own siblings and mother over disagreements in the past. So, I didn't want to jeopardize my relationship with my parents because then I wouldn't be able to see my little brother.
To protect my OM, myself, & my parents,I lied to them about my new residence. I told them I lived alone in the apartment above my OM's business because the rent was cheap, and they knew I couldn't afford much at the time. I also told them that I worked for him as his secretary, which I did at times after quitting my part-time job and college.
I could no longer focus on anything then. In hindsight, I know that I was very physically ill from '97 to '01. That illness was responsible for me feeling fatigued, depressed, etc. My OM sensed something was wrong with me, but I was too depressed to see a doctor. And he didn't push the issue. He just took care of me.
After nine months in our relationship, I discovered that my OM lied about three things. First, he wasn't divorced. He just hadn't lived with his estranged wife since '92 or '93. He didn't pursue a divorce because he was too afraid that she would take him to the cleaners and force him to close his business. Plus, he has five kids with her. For some reason, he told me he only had four. But he rarely ever sees his kids except for maybe a glimpse on Saturdays when she periodically brings them along when picking up her weekly "child support" check. He really doesn't have a relationship with any of his children, especially now that they are mostly grown. Their ages are--22, 21, 20, 17 and 16. I have never met them, but I suspect that they know about me through their mother who found out about us in a curious way.
He also lied about his age. He said he was two years younger.
I don't understand why he fibbed by a few years on his age and one child less, which didn't upset me as much as the "not being divorced yet" part.
In the meantime, we secretly lived together in the apartment above his business for about a year and a half or so. Then, we moved into a rental house, where we still remain. During that course of time, my 22-year-old sister came to live with us because she could no longer live with our alcoholic parents. Like me, she was quickly losing her sanity at home. My boyfriend felt bad for her as well, and he agreed to let her stay with us. Sometimes I think it's added more strain on our relationship.
Fast forward to present day, and my OM is still not divorced yet. Even after years of persuasion and threats to leave, he still will not get a divorce. Why? For the same reasons as six years ago. He is afraid she will clean him out. She will take his business away. She will cost him extra money that he doesn't have (like she hasn't already). In the beginning of our relationship, he used to give her $700 per week, then reduced it to $600, and finally $500 in the last year or so. In the last few months, the business hasn't being doing so well due to the bad economy and winter season, so she has only been averaging around $1300 per month. Plus, she works full-time and earns $300-350 per week. Her two daughters no longer live at home; they live away at school. Her son works full-time while going to school part-time. So, essentially, she really only has two "children" to care for.
However, he still refuses to get a divorce or even discuss his situation with a divorce attorney. I suggested that he do so because he found out that his estranged wife ran up her credit cards to $30K so he decided to refinance the house she lives in and clean up her debts. These are not joint accounts either. Two and a half years later, he discovered that she ran up those same accounts again. This time she has maxed them out to approx. $50K or more. Again, he still hasn't made a move to get a divorce.
I don't understand why he lets this stupid woman financially ruin him. She has brainwashed the kids to hate him so he doesn't have a relationship with them. Whenever she comes around, his mood turns sour. Clearly, he hasn't loved her in years. So, I don't understand why he allows this marriage to survive on paper because that's all it has become. Just a legal binding document.
He also doesn't understand why I am disturbed by his so-called marriage. I told him we can't have a future together if he doesn't get a divorce from her. He said she probably already ruined his credit, and that it wouldn't be smart for us to get married even if he was divorced. That they would combine our income and he would actually be forced to pay more child support in the end.
I told him I don't think he loves me enough because if he did, he would've been frantically working on divorcing her in a heartbeat.
Instead, I'm left to wonder how I'll manage to get myself out of this relationship. I don't think I can go on like this. My parents still don't know about us. I'm too ashamed to tell them, especially after all these years of lying. I can't come clean now. My dad will certainly disown us. My sister has kept everything a secret, too.
But mostly I'm ashamed because I feel like such a fool for clinging onto the hope of him getting a divorce and making our relationship feel more legitimate, more serious.
All I can think of is how I'll turn 27, and with every passing year, it will become increasingly difficult to find that one special man whom I want to spend the rest of my life with... After six years, I think I deserve more. I want a husband. Not just some woman's estranged husband. To hide our relationship like the dirty little secret that it is. I want to free myself of the lies. I'm tired of the lies upon lies upon lies. It interferes with every aspect of my life. As a result, I've lost contact with several friends, even relatives (my aunt & uncle). I just don't know what to do because I'm not in a position where I can afford to live on my own, even with my sister. I work full-time as a manager, but I have a lot of debts to pay off (car loan, credit cards, student loans, etc.), and my sister doesn't seem to be motivated enough to get a better paying job that's full-time. Also, I've been struggling to finish my degree by going to school off and on due to being sick for four years or so.
It's just so hard to make a decision because it's not only financially stressful but emotionally and psychologically as well. I've become so attached and dependent on my boyfriend. He is practically the only man I've been involved with besides one other guy. I love him to death, but this whole situation is just tearing me apart. It's the only thing I focus on now. It has only left me to wonder if he really loves me. Or if this relationship was built on convenience and deception, and now it's crumbling because there never was a solid foundation to begin with.
I'm so torn between staying and waiting if he'll ever get a divorce (when the last kid turns 22 perhaps?) or somehow, some way leaving.
God, my life is such a mess! I feel like a total failure. All suggestions and feedback would be appreciated.
Thank you so much for reading.
Linda