Where Do I Go From Here

Hi all. I've been lurking around for some time now and am at a loss for words in respect of the similarities and advice that is given out on this forum. Congratulations to you all.

I have recently (4 weeks ago) been diagnosed with cervical cancer. Originally I was advised I was stage 2/3 and was told I would require chemo etc. etc. to rid myself of the cancer. I advised my YM of the diagnosis and he was very supportive and assured me he would be there for me no matter what... that I could rely on him to be there.

2 weeks ago, he became distant (we have been together nearly 12 months), wanting to spend time with his mates (and I have never had a problem with this, I like my time with my girlfriends as well) and last weekend we fell out after we had both had a lot to drink (we were both having a bit of trouble dealing with the situation). I walked away from the situation calmly but the next morning he said that I had "walked out on him and I should go my own way".

He switched off his phone for 3 days straight (you can imagine I was quite upset and concerned)..... and then I went to his house to try and calmly discuss how he was feeling about things etc... as you do. He became very aggressive and said he "couldn't deal with it" and asked me to leave, which I did, although I was very upset and angry.

Over the next couple of days he reiterated to me that he would be there for me if I needed him, but that he couldn't "be my boyfriend". I came to the conclusion that there was no point in trying to discuss the matter further, that he had made up his mind about our relationship. However, after getting a second opinion on my health problem I have been advised that (and I have already had laser treatment) I am not Stage 2/3 but was only Stage 1 and that the laser has cleared me of the cancerous cells and that I am to go for a check up in 3 months time to have another pap smear to see if things are all clear. So in that respect, things are a lot brighter than they seemed a couple of weeks ago.

I have advised my YM of this and he now wants to be a part of my life. I feel like I have been put "through the ringer" so to speak and feel like I was deserted by him at a time when I needed to express my feelings, my fears etc.

In addition to this, he spoke with his parents about the situation (prior to him knowing things aren't as bad as originally diagnosed) and they advised him to get out while he could.

My head is spinning around in circles and although I know he loves me a great deal I don't know if I can rely on him to be there in times of crisis. I know that it takes time for emotions to settle and to be able to think clearly in this sort of situation but I can't help but think that if he really did want to be a part of my life that he wouldn't have simply cut me off, leaving me quite tormented by the whole situation.

I apologise for the HUGE post, but I really need some advice. :eek:

What do you all think?

Thanks in advance.

AW

My head is spinning around in circles and although I know he loves me a great deal I don't know if I can rely on him to be there in times of crisis.

I am sorry to say this, but actually I think you do know whether or not you can rely on him to be there in times of crisis. You had a time of crisis and not only was he not there, but he created much drama and angst that you really didn't need at that time. He was unable to put your needs before his insecurities at a time when you needed him most. I think he's already proven his reliability and I'd *definately* move on. I include people in my life that uplift me and bring me positive energy and avoid those that don't like the plague.

Yes, I agree. He really did make things harder for me than they had to be. Life is hard enough without the people you care about and believe care about you "deserting" you when you need it the most and creating more stress when things are stressful enough.

I should know how to handle this.... but as you can imagine I have not been in this situation before.

Thanks for your comments. Does anyone else have any comments/suggestions or experience in this type of situation?

Cheers.

I have recently (4 weeks ago) been diagnosed with cervical cancer. Originally I was advised I was stage 2/3 and was told I would require chemo etc. etc. to rid myself of the cancer. I advised my YM of the diagnosis and he was very supportive and assured me he would be there for me no matter what... that I could rely on him to be there.

2 weeks ago, he became distant (we have been together nearly 12 months), wanting to spend time with his mates (and I have never had a problem with this, I like my time with my girlfriends as well) and last weekend we fell out after we had both had a lot to drink (we were both having a bit of trouble dealing with the situation). I walked away from the situation calmly but the next morning he said that I had "walked out on him and I should go my own way".

He switched off his phone for 3 days straight (you can imagine I was quite upset and concerned)..... and then I went to his house to try and calmly discuss how he was feeling about things etc... as you do. He became very aggressive and said he "couldn't deal with it" and asked me to leave, which I did, although I was very upset and angry.

Over the next couple of days he reiterated to me that he would be there for me if I needed him, but that he couldn't "be my boyfriend". I came to the conclusion that there was no point in trying to discuss the matter further, that he had made up his mind about our relationship. However, after getting a second opinion on my health problem I have been advised that (and I have already had laser treatment) I am not Stage 2/3 but was only Stage 1 and that the laser has cleared me of the cancerous cells and that I am to go for a check up in 3 months time to have another pap smear to see if things are all clear. So in that respect, things are a lot brighter than they seemed a couple of weeks ago.

I have advised my YM of this and he now wants to be a part of my life. I feel like I have been put "through the ringer" so to speak and feel like I was deserted by him at a time when I needed to express my feelings, my fears etc.

In addition to this, he spoke with his parents about the situation (prior to him knowing things aren't as bad as originally diagnosed) and they advised him to get out while he could.

My head is spinning around in circles and although I know he loves me a great deal I don't know if I can rely on him to be there in times of crisis. I know that it takes time for emotions to settle and to be able to think clearly in this sort of situation but I can't help but think that if he really did want to be a part of my life that he wouldn't have simply cut me off, leaving me quite tormented by the whole situation.

I apologise for the HUGE post, but I really need some advice. :eek:

What do you all think?

Thanks in advance.

AW

My stomach was in knots after I read your post. I cannot BELIEVE another person could be so insensitive, much less a significant other....my story is a bit different, but -

When I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, my significant other (still one of my best friends, but my ex for other reasons) was supportive, I mean, he IS human :rolleyes:. He held me when I cried, fearing somehow the cancer would spread and that I would be one of the samll percentage of women that dies from that form of cancer (I can be a bit over-reactive, but still, when you have cancer, you react how you react. The people who care about you are THERE for you and everyone else can f**k off...), he spent countless hours comforting both me and my parents, he brought me sushi in my hospital room :p and he drove so slowly, wincing when I did as we drove home, down our bumpy dirt road after my hysterectomy. Did he do anything special - you bet. But did he do anything anyone else wouldn't have done for their loved one if they were in crisis - nope.

I cannot BELIEVE your YM's parents acted the way they did - and you can bet I would be inquiring about it to their face, and then letting them know they did a good job raising an insensitve, selfish kid, with values only THEY could be proud of....and THEN - I would seize my new perspective on life (which I believe happens to almost everyone who has been through cancer) and I would set my IMMATURE YM free, telling him I hoped he NEVER had to face a serious health scare in the fashion that you just had to, due to his complete lack of empathy, sympathy, concern....and I would start enjoying the hell out of life. Because you never know when some disease, or accident or crime will take away what precious little time we have.

An aside...I had 3 cervical dysplasia and cancer episodes. My very first pap smear, done before I was sexually active, was abnormal. My initial "cancer" diagnosis was stage 1, but due to my history and to the fact that I did not want children, I chose to have a hysterectomy. After the surgery, histpoath found my cancer to be invasive squamous cell carcinoma....just PLEASE get repeat pap smears every six months. I went 5 years in between my second and third episodes, I had 7 normal paps during that time period...you just have to remember that it can be difficult to get every cell involved. I just got tired of the emotional turmoil and negativity surrounding my cervix. I LOVE not having a cervix or uterus anymore!!!

You have already gotten great advice here...not too much more i can add.

I do feel that everyone deals with things differently. You need your S/O to be there to support you at least, whether they can be strong or not. Some people dont deal well with stressful, crisis times (me being one of them).

When my father died, my S/O at the time chose to deal with it with a drug binge (he was very close to my father also). Obviously, not only did this not help me, it hurt me worse because i had him to worry about also, at a time when i needed someone to comfort me. All relationships sure arent perfect.

I agree with Eponavet that your guy's parents show where he got his feelings (or lack of them) from. I say that this is a person you dont need in your life. Or if you choose to be with him, just know that sadly you wont have comfort when you need it.

I agree with everyone else. No one deserves to feel deserted by the man that claims to love them.

It really bothered me too Epona. I couldn't believe someone would treat another person they claimed to love like this. :(

You deserve much more than that Aussie.

I agree with what everone else has already said. We all hope that our SO will be there to support us when we need them. Sometimes a crisis will only show us we've chosen the wrong SO.

I'd say, unfortunately, that he proved what kind of man he is. And with parents like that, no wonder why.

It's really disappointing when someone you care about lets you down with the kind of person he really is, when you need them to be something else.

Let's just hope for his sake, that nothing horrible in his life ever happens, so nobody ever dumps on him like that.

and that's sad but part of the reason why we're here on Ageless: our loves are younger than we are and it's sometimes a bear to deal with! If it were me I'd just do NO CONTACT for a while. He can't expect you to be jerked and pulled around by him at a time like this in your life. Cancer is a devastating illness when you have it because you don't know until farther down the road what's going to happen. My dad had skin cancer first, and then he had bladder cancer, and now he has skin cancer again, and it's all been over a period of 12 or so years. Are you in a position to remove all your plumbing? I am HAPPY!!! that your news is better this time around with your cells gone.

Peace. Don't worry about him, think about YOU!

Ali

I agree with eponavet about the parents, but you have to also remember that their only priority is HIM. He's all they are going to think about, and being someone who's had an illness and dealt with money issues because of it, I can tell you it's a rare human being who wants to be stuck with someone else's bills, or responsibility for your wellbeing. They have to really love you. I don't think there's anything left to say to him now.