time off?

I recently discovered this site and am so thankful for all the collective wisdom shared here.

I wonder if anyone has experience in taking "time off" from a relationship to allow the younger man time to develop more autonomy, maturity, etc.?

I have/had been in a relationship with my partner for nearly 4 years, since he was 18 and I was 32. Despite the age differences and distance (he attends college in another state), we had a very strong, solid relationship. Recently he told me that for the first time since we started dating, he felt like he needed some time alone, to figure out who he is outside the relationship, and to focus on school.

Although he tells me he wants our separation to be temporary, I am having a lot of difficulty with it. I understand his needs, appreciate that he could communicate them to me, and trust that he is not interested in someone else...but...there is so much uncertainty now and no way of knowing how things will turn out.

I knew when I got involved with an 18 year old guy that I was taking a HUGE risk. Lots of people warned me that I was just in for a heartbreak. I knew that was a possibility, but because we had such a strong and unique connection, I felt it was worth it. We eventually convinced all the doubters that we were good together when they saw how happy we made each other and how compatible we were. I thought we were over the bumpy part, but now it seems that the age/maturity issue has come back to bite me. I worry that I made a mistake getting involved to begin with...

I would appreciate any thoughts, words of wisdom, etc.

I'm having a really tough time. We love each other very much.

Thanks.

Personally, despite your pain, I think he's making an even more mature move by requesting some time to be alone and find himself....without you. This may signal the beginning of the end for you two, but it may also mean he will come back to you in a more meaningful and dedicated way. You won't know until it happens.

I dated a YM (larger age gap than yours) who had just graduated from college.....for five years. At about the three year mark he said he realized he couldn't give me what I wanted and he asked to be free. Our connection was very strong also, and we spent another couple of years being tortured...on again, off again. I would hate for that to happen to you. It is painful and heartbreaking.

Each couple is different of course, but I say if he wants to be free, he is making a step towards his own autonomy, and you should support that, no matter how painful it is for you. You can't keep him if he doesn't want to be there anyway. Let him go, focus on your own life, and see what happens.

Good advice Kat. I would say the same thing. Time off is not a bad thing in my opinion. Trust me, I've done it enough in my relationship....it always seems to bring us back together because we've been missing each other and when we date others, it's painfully obvious that the connection we have is VERY hard to find.
I think it's rather healthy to take time off and be by yourself. It allows time for you, and the absence makes the heart grow fond.

I agree with Kat7. There is not much to do beside let him experience for himself that "need of being alone". I lurned the hard way that no matter how strong love is between 2 people, it is not always enough to make a relationship works...
Compatibillities, commun goals, desire to built something together are also needed. It look like you share most of theses points with your YM but for now he need to find for himself the desire to built something together. No one can force him and I believe that the fact that he needs to reflect shows maturity on his side.
Good luck, I wish you strenght.

Yes, I have been through this...TWICE. :eek:

My b/f was also 18 when we started dating, and I was 32. I can't remember exactly when it was that it happened (I must be blocking the memory..lol), but it was after we had been together a significant amount of time, it was initiated by him, and there were two other ladies here on the site going through the exact same thing with me.

The first break was a couple months, if I remember correctly. The second one was a bit longer, and I actually did end up dating someone else for a bit. I want to say it was 3 or 4 months.

Anyhow, the end of my rather vague story is he came to me, told me that he loved me, and was never ever going to ask for a break again, and he very much regretted the time we had lost. And, he has never asked for a break again, although I would surely want him to take on if he needed one.

We have been together over 6 years now...I do remember how hard it was to let him go when he needed the space, but really, what can you do, you know? I wanted to be with someone who was certain he wanted to be with me, and he needed some time to figure that out.

((hugs)) I know it's hard.

With a caveat.

If you're taking a break, you're both taking a break. And he understands that.

When David tried his break thingie, his idea was, that he'd go do his thing, I'd be available if he wanted me, and then when he was ready we'd be getting back together.

Horsehockey to that.

I told him if he wanted a break, we were breaking totally, I wasn't going to sit around wasting time waiting, I was also going to be actively living my life, and if he decided he wanted to come back, if "I" was so inclined at the time, we'd see what happened. Suddenly the thought of a "break" wasn't nearly so attractive anymore and we went through couples counselling at his request.

Young doesn't give you the right to bail on a commitment without consequences. And I'm not emotionally strong enough to sit around hoping maybe he'll realize how much he loves me. And he's never done it again either, and admits it was just because he wanted to see what else was out there, and he wasn't thinking with the brain that was in his head. Over 6 years now too.

Always ask yourself what a girl his age would expect from a relationship and don't accept anything less. If you think a 22 year old would say, it's ok, go date, get it out of your system, I'll be here when you get back, HA!!

My biggest gripe is when the OW act like they deserve to be treated "less" than a same age person would be treated.

With a caveat.

If you're taking a break, you're both taking a break. And he understands that.

When David tried his break thingie, his idea was, that he'd go do his thing, I'd be available if he wanted me, and then when he was ready we'd be getting back together.

Horsehockey to that.

Oh...I TOTALLY agree. This is SUCH a good point. Men...especially...I believe do this. They think you're going to be around in some sort of plastic bubble while they go off and "see the world"...when in reality...99% of the time...they just have more time to click channels on the remote control and eat cold pizza with their equally adventurous buddies.

That's why whenever I am in a relationship or dating a guy...I give them more "space" and time to themselves than they could ever imagine they needed....so I've never had an Ex-BF ask for space or time-off...EVER. It helps that I'm a rather independent type and like to have "me" time. In fact, most of my Ex's usually still want to hang out with me and have contact.

When I lived with my Ex for several years...it was usually HIM who would ask me on Sunday mornings..."Where are you going NOW!!???" You see, I like to get up early, have breakfast, run errands, go to antique shopping, workout, etc....while he used to want to sleep till noon, get up and sit in front of the TV, etc., etc., until it was like 3pm and the day was gone. Instead of complaining, I just went off and did my own thing...he eventually would join me periodically...I think to keep tabs on me, actually...lol. After a while, he realized I wasn't having secret trysts with hot men...so he wouldn't come as often...but I think he started enjoying it too. So he got his time and I got mine and it worked out very nice.:D

So...the best strategy in dealing with a man who needs "Time-off"...give him more than he bargained for and YOU enjoy it!!!

I have nothing to add to the excellent advice you've received except, essentially, to say that Kat and Bella are extremely wise and should always be listened to.

This must be painful and risky, but I don't think you can do anything but let him take the time he needs. If it does mean the end, then it probably would have come anyway and this way you get to have dignity and some control, which may not feel like much now, but will later be a comfort.

But it isn't inevitably the end and could mean a stronger relationship and certainty for both of you that you're where you want to be.

And I think you have to admire his integrity in telling you this is how he feels and see it as a measure of the respect he feels for you that he isn't hiding his feelings or acting deceitfully.

Best of luck.

With a caveat.

If you're taking a break, you're both taking a break. And he understands that.

When David tried his break thingie, his idea was, that he'd go do his thing, I'd be available if he wanted me, and then when he was ready we'd be getting back together.

Horsehockey to that.

I told him if he wanted a break, we were breaking totally, I wasn't going to sit around wasting time waiting, I was also going to be actively living my life, and if he decided he wanted to come back, if "I" was so inclined at the time, we'd see what happened. Suddenly the thought of a "break" wasn't nearly so attractive anymore and we went through couples counselling at his request.

Young doesn't give you the right to bail on a commitment without consequences. And I'm not emotionally strong enough to sit around hoping maybe he'll realize how much he loves me. And he's never done it again either, and admits it was just because he wanted to see what else was out there, and he wasn't thinking with the brain that was in his head. Over 6 years now too.

Always ask yourself what a girl his age would expect from a relationship and don't accept anything less. If you think a 22 year old would say, it's ok, go date, get it out of your system, I'll be here when you get back, HA!!

My biggest gripe is when the OW act like they deserve to be treated "less" than a same age person would be treated.

I adore ya Bella. You know I do. :)

You say exactly what I'm thinking in a way that I feel I can't convey.

But, yes, I would never sit my life on hold for someone to say they need a break.

Just so they can 'find themself'. Feel free to explore that option while I explore the option of 'finding someone else'.

I agree with everyone else...if he wants a break, it is a break for BOTH of you, not just him. Go out and live your life too!

If he comes back after his break, then it was meant to be and you can move forward in your relationship.

If the break is the end, then this is an amazing place to begin your road to recovery.

First, thanks for all the thoughtful responses. I've found them very helpful.

In reading some of the things that were written, I realize that maybe I should clarify a few things.

We broke up nearly a month ago and haven't been in contact since. When he told me he wanted to "take time off" I mustered all the dignity, compassion, and strength I had and said, "ok." As painful as it was/is for me, I know that I could not hold him back from doing this, nor did I want to.

I trust him when he says that he is not doing this because he wants to be involved with someone else. We've been together since he was 18...he's 22 now and a different person. I think he needs to look around and figure out who he is aside from me/us. I also believe him when he says that he wants to use this time to focus on completing the very intensive and demanding degree program he is in.

I've always been very independent in the relationship, pursued my own goals and interests, and had my own life, basically. I am not particularly needy or demanding. So, I think his desire is not so much for "space" as it is for time, which I think is slightly different. In fact, I think some of the issue may be that I know what I want (out of life) and he isn't so sure what he wants for himself.

Now, all those things said, let me clarify what the real issue is for me: the uncertainty of it all. Yes, this could be the end of the relationship. Or it could be a really valuable pause before we continue on. Or it could be something else entirely.

It would probably simplify my life if I were just able to grieve and move on. However, I know that if I went through all that pain (some of which I've only begun to experience), I would not want to see him again. Ever. The book would be closed for me...permanently. And that is not the outcome that I want.

On the other hand, there is the option of waiting, hoping, not knowing. That's not very appealing either. For one, there's the possibility of him deciding at the end of some period of time that he doesn't want to reunite...and that would be devastating for me. There's also the fact that it puts the ball entirely in his court--and that's not a fair situation for me.

I generally fluctuate between the two: grieving as if it was over for good and hoping that we will be able to get back together. But the two can't co-exist. It's either one or the other. And in the end, I just feel really stuck.

In the meantime, I've been living my life as I usually do, focusing on work, friends, my goals, etc. I'm not interested in dating anyone else right now. My life is full without him--that's not the problem. I think it's really that I feel such a lack of control over the situation.

Again, I'd appreciate further thoughts. And thank you all who responded.

Gosh, Sophie. You sound just like me :rolleyes:

(I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing for you).

Just to briefly recap - we met at 35 and 19 almost eight years ago. I had been widowed at 31, four years earlier. We fell head over heels, moved in together 10 months after we met, had a really long and glorious honeymoon period for close to four years (even during the bad times - he always admitted it was incredibly wonderful) - and spent the next four years having some serious ups and downs, which began with him admitting a "desire" to move out for a while, and escalated to me dumping him twice, him dumping me once. He never actually moved out, but we both felt a decided loss of intimacy and grieved for the relationship we seemingly didn't "have" any more.

There's more (we had an unfortunate scenario of 2 cross-country moves, and some job dislocation on my part that dragged on for a while), but he also has been in a demanding grad school program for five years (2 more to go).

I was also consumed with a bunch of ambivalent feelings: loss of control, hating the feeling of being an abandoned damsel in distress (NOT my self-image), yet being too able to put my feet in his shoes, understand his point of view, and admit that I might feel this way too had I been him. It's really hard to feel for someone, still love them and respect them, be sorry for myself, and be incredibly angry at him all at the same time!

I'm not kidding when I always point out the roller coaster that these relationships can be.

What finally happened with us is that it came to a head. I asked him point blank where we were, he stuck to the party line about needing some space but not wanting to hurt me, I tried to be civil, and finally realized I couldn't - and told him to take his stuff (well, I threw some it out of the bedroom to help) and get out if he was too much of a coward to talk to me honestly.

I went to bed, he cried, and in the morning I had an e-mail with his thoughts (basically a dear john letter). Like a lot of smart people, he is both incredibly articulate and more than a bit introverted, so his letter was both wonderful and heartbreaking and more communication than I'd seen in a while.

I sat with it for an afternoon, trying to figure out how to respond, and as I began
(intending for all the world to be dignified and classy), it somehow changed into fighting for the relationship. I knew he was still in love with me (as he did, to be honest), so it was all about what went wrong, and what you do when the communication starts to fail, what's important, and about how you don't let fear rob you of the best thing you ever had. And about how relationships have to grow and stretch to accomodate the people in them, whatever that means. And if you
"love" someone, you have to have enough faith in them to tell the truth about what you want and what you need, and believe that the two of you can work out the solutions together.

He was supposed to be gone that evening, but wasn't and we talked for a million hours and made love and when I left in the morning, I told him the game was up and he was either gone or in it for real. Tough day, that, but he was there when I came home. Which is not to say that we've solved "everything", but we're committed to doing it together, whatever it is.

What it comes down too is that I couldn't be powerless, not in my own relationship and my own life. As much as I understood what he was going through, and I did and do, my understanding can only go as far as an honest partnership where we deal with things TOGETHER. Otherwise, his problems aren't my problems and I need to get on with my life.

His needing space is sure, partially about you, but its alot about him too - although it can be convenient to make it all about the relationship. The question is how does he "grow", "find himself", "explore new things" and "change" within the confines of a committed relationship? What does that look like? What kinds of things does he want to do? (And honestly you may not want to hear all of this, but try to listen). What parts of the relationship make him feel like he "can't". ?

Is it about the schoolwork? Is the relationship draining energy from that? Does he feel frustrated by the lack of a social life? Does he want/need to travel?

If you don't know the answers to these questions, you should and he owes you that. You gave him four years of your life, after all.

Of course, there's nothing you can do if it's really over for him, but maybe better to know that now, rather than sitting on tenterhooks. And if it isn't, then there is a better way than the wait and see crap - better for you and better for the future relationship, if there is to be one.

By all means, put the ball in his court, but do it for real. Find out WHAT he needs to make it work or what YOU need to end it and move on to the next thing....

That was an excellent post! Thanks for sharing.

Thanks DesertSpring....that was an excellent post. It got me thinking.

Yup, what she said much better than I.

There is absolutely no reason all the growing needed can't be done inside your relationship, without torturing you, unless the relationship itself is the problem.

And part of growing up, is facing that when you make a commitment, you don't waffle and weave on it. It either is, or isn't there. I've used my son and his wife before as examples. She's been the mother of a medically complex child since she was 18. He met her when they were 20, and married her a year later. They can't take "time out" and they survive quite nicely. IMHO, time out is simply a euphamism for "I'm too chicken to break up, and I really want to keep you as a back up plan".

And if you've had no contact in a month, I'd hate to say it, but I think that you probably know the answer.

I think if you want answers, or closure, you're well within your rights to ask for it.

I think bella's right, when she says this:

There is absolutely no reason all the growing needed can't be done inside your relationship, without torturing you, unless the relationship itself is the problem.


and that follows on from this:

The question is how does he "grow", "find himself", "explore new things" and "change" within the confines of a committed relationship? What does that look like? What kinds of things does he want to do? (And honestly you may not want to hear all of this, but try to listen). What parts of the relationship make him feel like he "can't". ?

Is it about the schoolwork? Is the relationship draining energy from that? Does he feel frustrated by the lack of a social life? Does he want/need to travel?


I've never understood why people feel that they need to be out of a relationship in order to grow as a person. What exactly is it about being in a relationship that prevents them from understanding who they are? What is it about a beach in Thailand, on your own, that makes it possible to do that?

I never really followed that whole idea of going away travelling in order to 'find myself' because finding yourself is all in your headand you can do it anywhere.

What I do agree with, though, is that relationships do take time and effort (and are difficult to maintain) when you are in certain situations. Like studying at college.

When me and Donna met she was going through big changes in her life... getting a divorce, having to find a new job and house. She needed to go through that and come out the other end feeling like she'd done it herself and not relied on me or anyone else, which she has done. That's why a LDR worked for us... until the last year when it became a drag! On the other side of things I was entering my final year at university when our relationship started and I needed to be able to concentrate on that as and when required. So a LDR worked all round for us.

Part of my point here is that whilst we needed to go through things on our own, we were still in a 'relationship' with each other, albeit a LDR.


Edit: I'd like to add... we never stop growing as people, do we?

The fact that you've added information and told us there's been no contact for a month is significant. What you don't really tell us is how it was left when you stopped communicating.

I do think that your concern/complaint of having no power in the situation means he has made a decision independent of you about his own life. His own life was the priority, not the relationship. As such, I think your answer is: the handwriting is on the wall, unless you had some kind of arrangement with a limited time period.

I disagree with you a little bit Rob......I think you can grow in ways within a relationship that you can't alone, and I think you can grow alone in ways that you can't do within the context of a relationship. But I always appreciate what you say.

Again, thank you for the posts, especially Desertspring...I appreciated hearing your story.

I think that the approach of saying, "Work this out within the relationship" isn't something I've thought through fully. I think that the issues he's having (not being able to identify/know his own needs) might not necessarily improve apart from me...but perhaps they will. I don't know. I do know that if we get back together that they will STILL be issues, but we could work on them as a couple.

I do know that a lot of the difficulty he was having was trying to be sensitive to me and my needs while being in a program that basically demands everything of him. Very few of his friends at school are able to maintain any initimate relationships because the program is so intense. He said that basically, he didn't think he'd be a good partner during this time--and I know that would be true.

We have been apart for close to a month, but we did make plans to talk again mid-March to evaluate where things stand. Hopefully by then I'll have a clearer idea of what I want to say/do.

Thanks again for your words of wisdom.

The fact that you've added information and told us there's been no contact for a month is significant. What you don't really tell us is how it was left when you stopped communicating.

I do think that your concern/complaint of having no power in the situation means he has made a decision independent of you about his own life. His own life was the priority, not the relationship. As such, I think your answer is: the handwriting is on the wall, unless you had some kind of arrangement with a limited time period.



Initially what happened was that he said he wanted a temporary time apart and that he thought it would strengthen our relationship (because he often has trouble setting his own priorities, knowing his needs, etc). I said, "Good, go have your time off, but I won't be here when you're done." I was PISSED that he would just basically say, "I need to do this for me and I hope you're still there when I'm done." So, he said, "I'm sorry if this means it's over for you, but if that's how you have to handle it, ok." At first, I really pushed things towards a permanent breakup. And he thought that would be easier/healthier for me, even though he planned on an eventual reconciliation.

Then, when we spoke again, I told him that if I went through the grieving process that it was really, permanently over. I told him that's not what I wanted. He said he never wanted it to be permanent either...that he wanted to separate until he finished school. He wanted to develop more autonomy (through making decisions on his own), clarify his needs, and focus exclusively on his schoolwork.

So, I said, "Ok, take your time off. I hope you find what you need." Then we agreed to talk in mid-March.

That's how we left things.

Sophie, I kind of cringed when I heard his response to you. That sounded SO much like my ex....

Of course you lashed out, out of hurt, but he responded in a very self-centered manner, but basically saying "I want to have my cake and eat it too, and oh, by the way, if you choose to cut me out of your life, too bad, so sad for you."

I know these things are complex, but if you can wade through the B.S. and figure out what's really going on, it'll save you gobs of grief.

I agree with Kat and also with Rob, even though Kat seems to disagree a bit with Rob.

Anyway, in light of the more detailed history you added, I would say that this is either about your YM wanting to end the relationship but not wanting to do it so blatantly because he doesn't want a big scene or have to deal with what he may see as being "drama". And/or he is simply mega stressed out, feeling pressured and overwhelmed with his studies and having to make decisions about his life....who knows maybe he's been having late night rap sessions with friends who are instilling him with rebellious ideas. That happens at that age. And his answer is to say, "I need a break" rather than express his confusion, doubts, stress or other issues he may have that he may mistakenly think you would never understand and would further pressure him about the relationship and your needs that he feels he can't fulfill right now.

Bottomline, I think this boils down to NOT your desirability but HIS insecurity about being able to handle everything, keep you happy, succeed in his academic program and do whatever else that it is he is doing or needs to be doing.

I think the excuse of needing to focus exclusively on his studies is baloney. There are plenty of people who meet and develop relationships with their future SO or spouse while in college or while working on an advanced degree or starting their careers...which is usually a time when people are very, very busy. My brother is a doctor and most all of his male doctor buddies met their future wife during the most stressful time of their lives...medical residency. Those who claim they need to "exclusively" focus on their job or their studies or some family crisis...will be doing just that whether they are 22, 32, 42, 52 or 92.

I happen to teach music lessons part-time and I have and have had many adult students who are VERY busy with a high-pressured career and might even take class or travel, etc., but they make time for their music lesson. If a person feels something adds to your life....they make time. That says everything right there.

My thinking is that you can't really take these sort of statements..."I need a break because I must focus on my studies, job, whatever," literally. They mean something else. They are usually afraid you will either not understand, they see you as an added "obligation" for some reason, or they want out and they don't want to be blunt.

What you have done makes a lot of sense...you've said...."Great...go and do what you need to." Because you have agreed to talk at some point, does not mean YOU are obligated to take him back, either, you know. Think hard...before you feel you will absolutely take him back. You may want to just tell him that perhaps friendship (without benefits) would be the best situation if he feels unable to fully be present in the relationship while he goes through his program.

Thanks again for your thoughtful replies...

Some additional thoughts:

My best female friend, who is now 38, became pregnant and married at 18. Her child was born with a disability. She, her husband, and her child lived in his native country for the next few years before moving back to the U.S. She eventually did go on to obtain a college degree and two masters degrees. Her son is now in college and doing well. Her other child is in high school. She has a good job, making as much or equal to her husband.

She knows all about my situation and has cautioned me all along about my involvement with a young man. When recent events happened, her response was to say, "He has to do this now or he'll later regret it and resent you." She feels that her entering into a serious relationship at such a young age robbed her of developing a sense of autonomy or self-reliance on her own. Even though she has accomplished so much in her life, she said she still feels dependent on her husband.

I appreciate all the suggestions, but I am wary to think of this as if I was dating someone my own age. There is the fact that he is in a life stage when he does need to develop more autonomy--and being in a relationship with someone (especially someone older) makes that more difficult--it's easier to rely on the other person. I know that when I was 21 and in a relationship with a guy who was 3 years older, I leaned on him alot...I wouldn't develop confidence in my own ability to make decisions until that relationship had ended.

I wouldn't tolerate this from someone 25 or 30 or 36. But he's 22 and developing into an adult. I'm not trying to excuse bad behavior, but I feel that the life stage issue just can't be ignored or dismissed. It's very possible that he needs to be apart to develop more autonomy and can't do this while in a relationship.

In the meantime, I need to figure out where this leaves me...

I think your assessment is 100% accurate. I do feel the life stage your YM is in requires nurturance of his own agenda to find out who he is and what makes him tick.....in order to insure his own fulfillment over his lifetime. Some people are happy to be followers and in a relationship that guides them during that time. Others, who are more independent, need automomy to find themselves. I know I did.

When I was 18 I was involved with an older man who adored me. He wanted to marry me when I was 22, but I said no, I needed to experience more life. My life would be a cake walk right now I think, had I chosen that route (as he ended up being very wealthy) but I would have been resentful and unhappy.

I agree....it's figuring out what you want to do out of all this that's important. My heart goes out to you.

Sophie,

I have to admit that I don't even know you and I kind've want to give you a big hug right now. Well, that's the the good in this board, I guess -

Here's my thoughts FWIW and fully admitting that our situations, while they have some similarities, also have some differences:

Firstly: I'm not sure the parallel between the friend with the marriage and the disabled baby and your YM is entirely helpful, although I can certainly see why it's come up. You're NOT married to each other, there's no third life in the picture - you're actually pretty free as adults to do whatever you want. You can love each other in whatever way works for the two of you. I don't think comparing YOU to the straitjacket of having to care for a disabled baby is quite fair :>

Secondly: Are you making all the decisions in the relationship? Really, are you? Is he just along for the ride? Is that your fault or is it his? Is he feeling like it's easier to depend on you than to run his own life and the only way he can avoid this problem is to get away from you? Isn't true adulthood the ability to take care of yourself, make your own decisions and run your own life in the context of caring relationships with others?

Anybody can be autonomous on an island. It takes character to be autonomous within a full, rich life. That does take clarifying your needs and focusing where you need to focus. That he "can't" do that because of you does sound like baloney to me.

I think what's he's saying is that he doesn't want to when you're around, or doesn't know how to. And that's basically kicking you in the head because of his own dependency needs and unresolved issues. He can do that, sure, lots of young people do, but he shouldn't characterize it as anything other than what it is: the inability to accept love.

I understand (all too well) your desire to give him a break. Growing up IS hard. And when you still love someone you absolutely put yourself in their shoes, sometimes to your own detriment. There is also an OW/YM guilt that is always a little there: "Did you steal his youth? Should he really have been with a woman his own age" and they can be good at twisting that when they want to run away.

Sure it's important to understand the truth of the situation. But it's also important to make sure that you're not falling for garbage.

His desires are natural: be they to monastically study, have adventures with his friends, run off to Fji for six months, whatever .... Hey, thirty year olds have them too. That never goes away. And you're not (I hope) stopping him from doing any of those things. He's stopping himself because he feels he "can't" because he's with you and its an either/or. I suppose if he wants to sleep with 26 women that you ARE stopping him. but I suspect that's probably not the heart of it. And hey, he's had his month :>

In the end, don't cut him too many breaks. He "can" work on these issues while loving and being loved by you. It will take communication and paying attention, but that is the work of life and growing up. To realize that a relationship can and should make life better: not chop it off at the knees: is an important realization.

Some people never figure it out, at 22, 25, 30, 40 or 50. It's not all about age. You say you wouldn't accept this from him at 25. Hey, I've just been through it with someone 27 - who was so vastly in love with me at 22 that he couldn't even see this forest and shelved it until it came popping out a bit later. And I've heard my friends going through the same struggles with guys in their thirties and forties, although we call it "committment issues" instead of "life stages".

I dunno. A month w/o contact is a long time and maybe it already has ended. We never got that far. But I do know that the desire to "get away" is sometimes an admission that we can't figure out how to clarify our needs and wants within a relationship and don't know what to do about it except end the relationship.

If there is still love, that is a misunderstanding of the situation.

C'mon Ds, it wasn't my daughter in law I was talking about, it was my son, who was not her father when he took on that commitment. Is now.

The whole point is, you either "man up" and take your relationship seriously, or you "man up" and end it. This whole time off thing is a chicken ca-ca way of trying to have your cake and eat it too. It's nothing but a torture trap for the one who's left behind waiting for the other one to make up his mind and it's a rotten thing to do to someone.

Bella,

The reference was to Sophie's friend who had told her the story of her life - see above. It wasn't in response to anything you said :>

Ah,
mea culpa!

Maybe, you could grieve for the fact that you cannot feel certain right now. Does that make sense?

Thanks again for your thoughts, support, and suggestions...

I spoke with him today and we agreed on some things which I can live with. (Basically established parameters for the separation, including a time frame that I think is reasonable, what I could and could not tolerate).

Bella, I hear your point about the "time off" thing being crap, but given the circumstances (too detailed to go into here), I believe it is necessary for him and us.

We did talk about how/if we could work through this together, but the issues he's facing (that impact our relationship) require a separation.

I realize that I may be making a mistake in many people's eyes. But I trust that this is the right thing to do.

Thanks again everyone. I really appreciate your help.

You know what...it's threads like this and the amazing stories shared and advice given and bonding through similar situations, etc, etc, etc, that really is the core of why this site is amazing. There are some really good posts in this thread.

You have to know your own heart, I just hope for his, as well as your sake, you are able to develop some trust for him again if he decides at the end of his break to stay with you.

I think bella's right, when she says this:



and that follows on from this:



I've never understood why people feel that they need to be out of a relationship in order to grow as a person. What exactly is it about being in a relationship that prevents them from understanding who they are? What is it about a beach in Thailand, on your own, that makes it possible to do that?

I never really followed that whole idea of going away travelling in order to 'find myself' because finding yourself is all in your headand you can do it anywhere.

Edit: I'd like to add... we never stop growing as people, do we?


And if we do stop growing as a person in a relationship, then I proport that we are in the wrong relationship to begin with.

And Bella, I love your plain speaking speaking style and agree with your point of view completely. You, my dear, should run for president :)

I realize that I may be making a mistake in many people's eyes. But I trust that this is the right thing to do.
Not in my eyes, Sophie....I for one think you are acting in dignity and respect toward your ym...and he will ALWAYS love you for that whether or not you two stay together after his time "away".


My exvym and I fell in love when he was 18...we had a bigger age gap than you two, but were together and in love for about the same amount of time. He was about to turn 22 when he decided he needed space... he was confused about us/our long term future, etc.

He was 18 when we got together....SOOOOOO young, and still forming his ideas about the world, love, relationships, etc. How COULD he be expected to make a commitment and never change his mind?? He couldn't....and I personally don't believe the majority of 18 year olds can be expected to. Some change their minds, but come back; some change their minds and don't. K needed space and to find autonomy and didn't come back....as my love. BUT...he DID come back into my life 3 years after our breakup as a great friend once again. It took 3 years of no contact (the best way to heal, by the way); but our reconnection this past Fall has been nothing short of great closure.

In our talks over the past few months, he has given me huge insight into what he "went through" emotionally and decision-wise back when he was 21. He admits that he truly, genuinely loved me, but that what had seemed like that forever-love at 18 transformed into something different at almost 22. All of the promises and commitments he'd genuinely made to me over the years (wanting to marry me, be with me forever, etc.), morphed as he grew up and although he always wanted me in his life and would always love me, he needed to experience other relationships, grow and mature on his own. Hey, after all, I was the only adult relationship he'd had up to that point....I'd had the luxury of having several to help define myself as a "partner" before I got married the first time, and he deserved the same experiences if he realized he wanted them.

He and I are both in love with different people now, and realize how much we learned and grew from our time together. He is a different, I must say, a better man for having found his autonomy separate from me. I never thought I'd say that, but he NEEDED that time and freedom to truly grow up. Now, at 25, he is a wise soul...focused and sure.

Sophie...you did the right thing in honorably giving your ym his space...releasing him without drama, etc. And no contact is excruciating at first (i know) but gets easier with time. Keep doing what you are doing and stay busy with friends, work and doing things you love. Pamper yourself. Don't date if you don't want to...but if the pain eases a bit, consider dating just to go through the motions if you need to for a while...it really helps.

If he comes back, he will be a stronger, more independent, older, more mature man who will have an autonomous assurance that being with you is what he wants. If he doesn't, you will have moved on and be able one day to look back and be grateful for your time. HE will always be grateful for you and the input/love you gave to him...that is a precious thing and will always have a corner of his heart forever, believe me.

I wish you peace during this time of confusion and hurt. It will get better.

K

I have not been through this yet, not even a hint of it. BUT... my 21 yo husband KNOWS without a shadow of a doubt... that if he were to become suddenly "confused" and need a "break" to "find himself" he would be gone so freaking fast from my life that the woosh of wind alone from me running to the phone for the divorce lawyer would knock his sorry azz over. There are things that I will tolerate and things I won't. Oh he'd so get his time to find himself, but he'd never again be welcome in my life as anything more than a casual dinner guest. A marriage or long term relationship is a commitment. We find ourselves and work through our "confusions" (which frankly I think is so much b/s anyways...) together and when we can no longer do that or no longer desire to do that then the relationship is over.

We did talk about how/if we could work through this together, but the issues he's facing (that impact our relationship) require a separation.

Make sure you're not the only one "working through this". If he needs time off to begin with to exclusively focus on his own thing and not have to worry about the pressures of being in a relationship with you, then how can you realistically believe he's going to be working through this with you? Then, it wouldn't be a real "break" would it?

Also, the danger here is that YOU are focused on the "issues he's facing", during a time when he wants a break...not you. It seems to me that by trying to compromise with him somehow, what you are doing is desperately trying to keep him in your life without a "break" (in your mind). As hard as it may be for you, if you agree that a separation is necessary, then, that's what it should be--a complete separation. If you're "working through this together", it's not a separation. And you can't work this through FOR him.

If you REALLY want him to learn how to be autonomous, then I suggest you leave it COMPLETELY to this YM to deal with his own issues BY HIMSELF, which is what he seems to want, and you stay out of it COMPLETELY.

One more point I'd like to make...your attitude about his "life stage" is actually a bit patronizing in my opinion...as you are giving him "special treatment" for being 22. You say you would not accept this behavior if he were 25. Could it be that this "attitude" you have about him being "young" is what he has been feeling that makes him feel like he needs to develop his autonomy and gain a sense of independence and freedom? Could it be that the behavior you see as being an "understanding older girlfriend" is actually sending him vibes that say you don't quite see him as an "adult man" and you only see him as a boy who needs coddling and "special treatment"...when actually he wants you to see him as adult man.

In every other aspect of society (school, work, sports, etc.), a man his age would be expected to rise to the occasion, so why should the standards be lowered for a relationship with a woman?

It's so interesting to see the different approaches and attitudes that people have to this issue!

I have to say, it's been helpful because it helped me define where I did and did not stand.

Rosebud--I hear your concerns. But what I meant was that the problem he's having is that he can't distinguish between his own issues, wounds, baggage, projections, etc. and what I'm doing and/or how we are interacting. He says that in already the short amount of time we've been apart, he's been able to see what things he does himself (to himself) that have nothing to do with me. I think this is important knowledge and not something he could figure out (although he tried) while we were together.

I'm not taking responsibility for his issues. But I am recognizing that for him, having the space to distinguish his own issues from me is valuable and necessary. And I think that's good.

He has said that he is committed to our relationship, that he does not want to be with anyone else, that he wants to use this knowledge (from the separation) to come back together (with counseling) and make our relationship stronger. I trust that AND that's something I can live with.

Special K--thank you for the support.

And thank you everyone again for sharing your thoughts and experiences.