finally broke my heart

Everyone, especially Kat, it finally happened. J had enough and we had a fight two weeks ago (over drugs I think, not even sure it happened so fast). I didn't want him to go and I tried to stop him. He's furious and even changed his phone number. I am devistated. Not that I thought it would last forever, but I thought it would end in a kinder, more civilized way. I feel so betrayed, so taken, I can't eat, I don't want to get out of bed. This hurt more than my marriage ending, I think.

Sounds crazy and sick, but I almost hope he comes back for drugs so I can get my closure. I have never had anyone shut the door on me so horribly. I just want to say my goodbyes, but I don't think I'll have the chance. Please help me. I remember believing and living that all men do surface again at some point, but right now this is awful. I am seeing a counselor and I'm on Cymbalta. Still, I blame myself for everthing, why? I was so good to him. On so many levels, and now he's gone. Four years it lasted.

Please help me! I don't want to never speak to him again. Do you think there is a chance he could resurface? I don't want a relationship back, but I do need to say goodbye in my way.

Intime, I am so sorry that you are in a lot of pain. Unfortunately, relationships with drug addicts always involves pain I have learned.

There is a saying that: "pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional". I know there will be ups and downs in my life. But when I stay in a dysfunctional situation, I am only going to suffer.

I don't think even if you had time to talk to your guy, that you would get closure. Closure is a PROCESS not an event. I hope you can heal from this relationship and have enough of a life that you are not waiting for the next five years for him to contact you. That would be the real loss. :(

Not all reationships achieve closure. The most important thing is that you achieve closure with yourself.

For example: Did you make any mistakes that you can avoid in the future? Was there a way to have forseen the outcome of this relationship so I could prepare myself for the end?

You can keep asking yourself questions about him, your love and your relationship and draw lessons for the future but closure will be when you can say "NEXT", not necessarily the next man but the next stage in your life.

I wish you strength and please do not wish for his return. The pain of seeing him again is not worth it.

I'm sorry you're hurting...but you've got to let go for your own emotional health.

He's a drug addict
He doesn't love you
He was furious and walked out...even changed his phone number

Let these facts be enough for your closure...and be thankful that the co-dependence he created in your life has been stripped away. It hurts, but it is absolutely the best to have no further contact in light of his actions above. When you try to finagle reconnection/contact by calling, email, begging, etc...it just makes everything WORSE and sets you BACK rather than send you forward with closure.

It will only get uglier if you reconnect. Let him be, let him go, and take the next step for yourself. Cry, grieve, but get out, take baths, join a gym, go for walks with your dog, play happy music, watch comedys, take a class, call your girlfriends and go out. Distraction and focus on yourself help speed the process....reconnection DOES NOT.
:grouphug:

Closure is definitly not a event but a process. And that process can be accelerated by avoiding contacts. In some ways, I think that a gentle and kind breakup can even be harder than a harsh one. In my book, developing anger towards an ex, as long as you dont act on it, speeds the detachment process.
If it is a kind and civilized "closure" it will be easy to fall into denial and hope of getting together again.

I am so sorry for what you are going thru. Try to feel anger instead of sadness. are'nt you a bit upset at him? If so, feed that part of you instead of the desperate one. I swear it help...:o

:bighug: .

Tracy,

I'm glad you are on an antidepressant, and I'm glad you are finally seeing a counselor. There's not much I can say, except that there will be light of day, some day.

This man never really loved you, he used you. He tolerated your dysfunction for drugs and favors, and you tolerated his for sex, affection and what you thought was love. It wasn't. It was sickness.

Just take it day by day, that's all you can do. I hope, as someone above said, that you can get angry. It took me finally seeing what a jerk P was to know that I needed to say goodbye. And the day I did say goodbye as I walked out the door, was the best thing I've done for myself in a long, long time. I said goodbye to pain, dysfunction and being used with my own permission. No more. Done. So long.

Do I still miss P? Of course! Do I want to be back with him? No way. I deserve and desire so much more in my life than the crumbs he was feeding me. The day you can feel an inkling of happiness again, you'll know you do too. Leave J alone. He did you a huge favor. Focus on your life and your son's life. You both deserve to enjoy life now.

I just want to let you know how sorry I am that this happened to you, but I think the comment that Chouchoute made was exactly correct. Closure is a process and it doesn't even have to involve him at this point. He had HIS closure, when he abruptly walked out on you and changed his phone number. The rest of the closure is yours to make, and we are here to listen. Hang in there and know that we really do care. :(

and Tracy, yes, I agree with others here, that you don't need to talk to J again to have closure...it IS a process. if it's any consolation, i feel i'm still in it, but i have a lot of tools in my toolbox to deal...

i don't expect to be ready for anything substantial until the fall of this year...just my gut instinct. be kind to yourself right now. be your own best friend. do what you would have done for J for yourself...and rally your friends to do things you haven't done for a long time.

have compassion for yourself.

the only way through it, is through it, but you will make it!

Don't hold out for closure - it's over and you will be far better without him. Life with an addict is an out of control roller coaster ride that never ends until they are no longer in your life.

He may resurface again, but I hope for your sake he doesn't. Your best hope for getting over this guy is to have no contact with him which will give you a chance to get your life back again.

Nothing more to add, except love and hugs to you.

You deserve wa-ay better than this heart ache....

Thanks everyone, it's gonna be a tough road. You get used to them really quickly. I just wish the whole in my stomach and the sadness would go away.

Nothing more to add, except love and hugs to you.

You deserve wa-ay better than this heart ache....

Ditto.

Angel

Angel, I love your location "you get what you settle for". Isn't that so true for all of us? I guess the question is how much or little are we willing to settle for, isn't it?

Intime, you don't need closure. You need to stop settling for the crumbs this guy threw you. He walked out and did you a huge favor, although it doesn't feel like much of one now.

I'm sorry that you are hurting. There have been far too many women here hurt and sad lately. Focus on your son and yourself and get through this. You can do it, I'm sure.

Thanks everyone, it's gonna be a tough road. You get used to them really quickly. I just wish the whole in my stomach and the sadness would go away.

It's only going to be a tough road if you decide it will be. Continue in therapy, for the answers lie within you, and are irrelevant to this dysfunctional relationship you had with J.

Children thrive when they have parents who are wholely and truly present. Your son deserves a mother who is 100% there for him. He hasn't had that for a long time now. Focus on that, and planning your own future...

And keep working in therapy to figure out why you would settle for a drug addict in your life, and why you have your own addiction/codependency issues. Your life won't improve until you get to the bottom of these issues.

Hang in...

if you haven't read Faith's "breakup ground rules" stickied at the top of Relationship Support OW/YM, then you should. it's excellent advice and may help.

if you haven't read Faith's "breakup ground rules" stickied at the top of Relationship Support OW/YM, then you should. it's excellent advice and may help.

And I just added a new list further on in that same thread...

http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?t=29858

I am sorry that you're going through pain right now. You did do the right thing in ending it. I'm glad that you got angry enough to do so. Life with an addict is pure hell. You would never ever be happy with one. Count your blessings that he is no longer a part of your life. Now you can focus on YOU. What kinds of people do you want in your life? It would be a good idea to seek counseling for yourself.:bighug:

intime, check out this link on "Leaving Strong" stickied on the other side of the boards...when you feel strength will help in the process:
http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?t=30041

I wish you peace in this,
K