It happened

If you remember my last post, you'll remember I was having a hard time letting go. I didnt want to. I wanted to believe what he was saying because I love him.

These past 2 weeks have been "good". Not wonderful but working towards some resolutions. He stated he thought about alot of things and couldn't imagine his life without me. We had a past, and he couldn't imagine not having a future.

Then last night he didn't come home. I had a "gut" feeling, and I find him, out with someone else. He looks right at me and tells me that he's with someone else now. He looks at her and says, this is the one I was telling you about. I ask him to come outside and talk to me (making a complete fool out of myself obviously), he does only to tell me that it's over, he doesn't want me. she then comes out and he tells me how wonderful she is ........I make a bigger fool of myself asking why he didn't just move, why he was telling me how much he loved me for the past 2 weeks .........SHE starts laughing and says "Because he was using you" .........he then starts laughing and says "she's right" he told her he didn't live with me, that I was making that up also ........who is so cold like that?

I left, I was mortified. But not before saying "Well, since you don't live with me, you don't need my house key, let me have it back?" He tried to ignore me, so I said it to her, you don't believe me, you believe him .......then ask him to give back my house key. If he doesn't live there, he doesn't need it. He actually handed it to her.

His jeep has a flat tire and was supposed to be fixed 2 days ago, I went home, jeep in the driveway, tire off waiting to be fixed .....and I loaded up EVERYTHING he owns in the jeep. Saw he never took the tire from the garage as he said he did, so I sat that out there for him also. Never slept, had to be at work by 7:00.

My sister said he would call. She said he'll call and want to come ......eventually, I just hope you're strong enough to say no. However, I don't believe he will ..........he was pretty decisive and final in not wanting me. He was pretty adamant that he had only used me.

Well, he did call today, to ask how he was going to get in the house to get his stuff. I let him know he didn't need to get in the house to get his stuff, it was outside packed in his jeep. He asked about his tools and his "boxes" of stuff in the garage, I said Yep, there packed in there to. He said he would still need to get in the garage to get his tire to get it fixed, I told him not to worry I sat that outside also. I was being so stong, so emotionless and then I broke ......I said After 3 years don't you think I deserved something a little more civil than what you did to me. To sit there and tell me that you used me, that you never loved me and never said the things to me these past 2 weeks that you did .......it was uncalled for and horribly painful. I was crying ...........he said .........I'll be there later to get my jeep and he hung up.

He didn't deserve to have his things packed in his jeep!

Ugh... hearing this makes me so angry, I can't even think of words!

Sorry you had to go through this, but wow.... so clear that you are better off with him!

(((HUGS)))

Thesedays,

I am sorry for what's going on, he sounds like a total a-hole. How he could do that to you after 3 years is just cold.
Just know that you're not alone in feeling pain.
Sending you lots of hugs ((((()))))):o

He sounds like a 100% gold plated asshole. Sorry about the language, but really. You are so much better off without him.

I think you handled it amazingly well..with grace and dignity, and so what if you cried? You're human, and DID care for him. Do not beat yourself up. There is no way I could have handled it as well, I don't think, never mind better.

Something to consider:
He thinks he's trading up...with a woman who delights in being the "other woman", who enjoys other people's pain and embarassment as much as he does. Frankly, I think it's a match made in Hell, and they're perfect for each other.

What goes around comes around, hon. Your side of the street is clean. Now that you've seen what he's really capable of, you know never to let him near you again.

If it was me, I would have the Jeep towed from my yard. It would be worth the expense. And please block all contact. There is nothing he could ever say or do to make up for the cruel way he has treated you.

I'm sorry that you've been hurt. Definitely don't beat yourself up for anything you've said or done. I can't imagine how I would handle walking into the situation you did. :(

What goes around comes around, hon. Your side of the street is clean.

So true. :)

I didn't really pack the things in his jeep as a favor or doing something for him. She had him give me back the key to our house and he had to. What was he going to say? That he lied and lived there? So he gave me the key back. I was afraid he'd break in to my house to get his things. I went around last night and checked all the windows, low and behold, my bedroom window was unlocked, which it NEVER is. He had to have known something was coming, that he'd get caught, the locks would be changed soon, etc. So I locked it, I looked for something to place in the track of the glass sliding doors, and could only find a golf club, so I shoved that down there, to keep the door tight. Then I loaded up the jeep, so he'd have no reason to try and break in my house while I'm at work.

I don't think I have to worry about him wanting and/or trying to come back to me. He made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want me and that he wants her.

I know you didn't do it as a favor for him...

I just thought if it had been me, I would have been inclined to just throw the stuff out of the house in a pile and let him pick it up and pack it himself!

I wonder what could have been the red flag of his personality that you could learn from this now... so you don't end up with such a cold, heartless jerk in the future.

(((MORE HUGS)))

What an absolute pr1ck. I'm sorry, but that's just awful. And his new woman is a stupid effing idiot, I can't believe any woman will start dating a man when he just so cruelly tossed another woman aside like she was toilet paper. Like, hello, the stupid moron woman just got a glimpse into the future as to how much respect he'll show her in a couple years but still probably thinks she's won some big prize or something.

I ask him to come outside and talk to me (making a complete fool out of myself obviously This was a perfectly normal request. He is the fool, not you.

How shallow his soul must be to say those things to you.

Don't let his treatment of you be the yardstick for your self esteem. He is a nut case and jerk.

Grieve and say good riddance. Someone much better will come along, I am sure of it.

Yes, what a prick. That's why I say have his Jeep towed off your property. Or set it on fire. :yes: I don't blame you for getting everything of his out of your house, but throwing it all out at the edge of the street would have been better. You don't have to be revengeful necessarily, but he deserves some payback. Karma is a *****. :rollingpin:


Like, hello, the stupid moron woman just got a glimpse into the future as to how much respect he'll show her in a couple years but still probably thinks she's won some big prize or something.

Seriously. :rolleyes:

That girl was loving every minute of it. She was actually smiling and laughing. I finally said "Do you think this is funny or something" and she said "As a matter of fact I do" .....I said "You have no idea what's going on here. This is 3 years of my life, he's lying to both of us and you find it funny, why don't you leave so I can talk to him" .....he spoke up and said "I have nothing to hide from her, she can stay here" ..........I do believe I made a complete fool out of myself.

When he called to see how he was going to get his stuff since he doesn't have a key and I told him he didn't need a key, I loaded it in his jeep for him. He said he'd be there after work to pick up his tire, go get it fixed and would then be back to get his stuff. He gets off work at 2:30 and of course has not been there to even get the tire to get fixed. I find that strange. If he wants to be with her so bad and be away from me, why isn't he being a little quicker about things. I assume it's because nothing about ME is a priority as usual with him.

I swear, it shouldn't bother me ......but if he brings HER to my house to get his things, I don't believe I'll be able to be as calm as I was last night.

I'm sure I'm much better off .........but (it's always a but, isn't it) ......I just don't get it. Why couldn't he love me ? We had a life together, working on a future, buying a house, saving, etc. Why would he pick some white trash woman that barely works, looks like she doesn't shower and lives in an efficiency over what we had together .........or over me in general.

It really hurts.

Stop wondering why. It's probably because he is on drugs. He doesn't care about his life right now, so he sure doesn't care about you.

You didn't make a fool of yourself. He and that girl made fools of themselves.

Have his Jeep towed to one of his friends/relatives houses. That will be the end of it. And no chance of him bringing her around. If he does come there, call the cops and say you want him out of your yard because you feel threatened by him. Let him be humiliated this time. You need to take some power back in this situation. It's obvious in your words that he has mentally beaten you down. That is NOT fair. You are too good for this and don't stop telling yourself that. :)

.........SHE starts laughing and says "Because he was using you" .........

:fight: :dummy!: It would have been highly likely I would've punched that b**ch at that point.

I give you credit. I'm reading what you did and while I'm sure you feel like you did everything wrong, you have to know you honestly did everything right.

Hold strong and feel free to vent or complain or just cry as needed. No one deserves to be treated so carelessly.

I'm sorry. I'll be thinking about you and hoping all is well.

No, you didn't make a fool of yourself. They were the ones being highly foolish. You were behaving like a human being.

How can you look foolish to a couple of fools??

OMG, thesedays, I'm soooo sorry that you're being put through this. My heart is just breaking for you.

They definitely deserve each other. I truly believe they will get their comuppance. I can't believe how cruel....

(((thesedays))) :(

I do believe, if it were me, there would be a mysterious jeep fire. And I'm NOT kidding in the least.

Tides have turned and HE's the one that is obsessively jealous and overbearing. I'm suffocating and can not breathe. He's constantly invading my "privacy", going through my purse, checking my cell phone, call log and voice mails. And has even gone so far to call numbers from my phone that he does not recognize. Most of which happen to be people I work with. Try explaining that your boyfriend is obsessively jealous .....huh?


From a previous thread of yours. A CLASSIC sign of someone who is cheating - to distrust the one being cheated on. Oh, if only 20/20 vision wasn't only in hindsight.

Around 1:00 he calls again, and when I ask why he is still at home, he admits he didn't go to work .............his exact words were "I was just kidding with you earlier, I didn't go to work today" ..........Okay, to me, lying is not kidding ..........it's lying. I sat there for a minute and I said "So, you lied" .........first he said he was afraid of telling me he didn't go to work because he thought I'd be upset (HUH?) then excuse number 2 was he had some things he wanted to do today and was going to surprise me by showing up at my work for lunch ............then excuse number 3 was that he had done some stuff to surprise me.


I'm having a panic attach and being mean when I don't want to be.

To sum up his response ..........after I droned on for about 30 minutes, he basically said "I'll stand by you whatever you decide"

That's it. And that really p-s me off.


I'm finding myself having a HARD time with trust all of a sudden.

Also ......I'm finding myself being WAY more critical of myself. I look in the mirror and think "God, look at all these wrinkles I'm getting" .......I've been buying wrinking cream like crazy and using it religously ............I've never been insecure in a relationship and now I'm almost frantic about it !!

I'm totally driving myself crazy. I think he's lying ........I'm almost positive he's lying ...........but in his own words "Why would he lie about something so trivial" .......Yeah ......why would he? But I think he is.

If you remember .......during part three of the saga ....(ha ha), I told him I would no longer put forth effort and I was tired of his lies that he deemed "miscommunications".

The fact that I pay every bill in the house and therefore have very little money left over ...........while he spends $100 a week, while at work, on .........ummmm...........what? yeah that ..........nothing

I'm not trying to be mean here, but these are just a very small amount of the posts you have made regarding this relationship.

With as many warning signs as you had........

I think it is terrible what he did to you, and there is no excuse for treating another human being so poorly.

Your asking how could he do this? Look at his past behaviors. These were only just a very small amount of things that you said that pointed at a relationship that was not very healthy for you.

Even just reading your thread titles made me feel bad.

It sounds like you had a relationship riddled with doubts and mistrust. Those two things can make people think they are going crazy!!!!

Be glad this guy is gone....he seemed like he was very poor in character.

I do believe, if it were me, there would be a mysterious jeep fire. And I'm NOT kidding in the least.




Agreed! I guess I'm a person of action and have to DO something, too.

Thesedays, all I can say is wow, how painful it is to read this thread and the details. Get yourself all the help and support you need. I can't imagine how I would move forward without it if I were in your place.

Sounds like it's about time for an AL posse to form and do some damage on some of these creeps....if only....:fryingpan:

This may sound like a weird question, but did you pack his stuff neatly and put it into his jeep in an organized way?

If so... I seriously think you should go out there (assuming it's all still parked in your driveway) and undo the bags or whatever and just dump everything in there willy-nilly.

THEN -- you should call a towing company and tell them a vehicle is on your property that you want removed. Get them to take his crap away so he'll have to pay to get his truck out. I am totally serious.

That bastard deserves that slap in the face. I don't even know you and I'm furious on your behalf.

Thesedays, Wary just posted a bunch of excerpts from previous posts. I was going over all of your old posts too and (taking a different spin on it) realized that this guy has been making you miserable since January 2005!! :eek:

You even had a thread called "Letting him go..." from 2 years ago - almost to the DAY.

Be so glad you have him OUT OF YOUR LIFE. He had been treating you horribly - stealing your savings account money, always making you pay for bills and entertainment, being a pig in your house, not working, doing drugs. Lord only knows how he treated you when your pregnancy ended!! :mad:

Please, girl, you deserve to be HAPPY. This man was sucking the life out of you. Now that he's out of the way you are free to find a GOOD MAN. And trust me - they are out there.

I say - let HER deal with his bottom-sucking self. Maybe you'll have enough money now to treat YOURSELF. Take a vacation. Go to a spa. Do something special with your kid. Focus on YOU and spoiling YOU. Because, lord knows, this idiot didn't treat you as you deserved!! He doesn't know how good he had it!

I have to say, "I'M HAPPY FOR YOU!!" because this sleezebag is out of your life!!

(PS. BURN THE JEEP OR PUT HIS SH IT ON THE CURB FOR PEOPLE TO START TAKING.)

Agreed! I guess I'm a person of action and have to DO something, too.

Thesedays, all I can say is wow, how painful it is to read this thread and the details. Get yourself all the help and support you need. I can't imagine how I would move forward without it if I were in your place.

Sounds like it's about time for an AL posse to form and do some damage on some of these creeps....if only....:fryingpan:

No kidding! This guy makes Jeremy look like a saint. Makes me appreciate him all the more and feel quite silly about our little tiff the other day! :o

That guy is not worth her tears!! I'd be mad as hell!!

Thesesdays, sorry you are going to this pain. I can only imagine how you feel.
Most of the good advices already has been given.
I just wanted send you strenght and hughs..

Maybe one advice. BE ANGRY, BE VERY ANGRY don't act on it, but let it come out . Write on these bords about how mad you are. It will help you to detach, I promess. I know that this is what gave me the most help dealing with a hard breakup years ago. After the angry times were over , I really had a sense of relief, self love and detachment.
good luck.

Thesedays:

You did well for asking him for his key and for taking steps so that he does not come into your house again. Now if you would only tow his jeep somewhere else, and send him the key by mail or through a friend, that would be lovely.

Did you make a fool of yourself?
You were only human. When all is said and done, you will realize that your life is way better without him.

Be strong.
:bighug:

Oh my! Girl, my heart bleeds for you! I can't believe how cold and immature this guy is!!! Everyone else is right. Don't worry about him. He'll get his. Karma. Just don't make sure you're the one doing the payback. (((((HUGS))))))) I have panic attacks too, though I can control them for the most part, and I know it is not fun!!!

I agree with everyone else.

Stop beating yourself up, this wasn't a relationship made in heaven.

You didn't make a fool of yourself except to stay with this piece of trash for so long. Get angry, cry alot, but then snap out of it, he's not worth your tears. I would most definitely set his jeep on fire, but then again, if he has insurance it will only make him get a brand new car to sport Miss Cheapola around. Let her give up the money to get his tire fix.

You...take care of yourself. This is about you now and the best revenge is to live well.

Paris

thesedays...my heart also broke when I read your post. I can't believe anyone could treat someone they'd been with for 3 years as badly as he did!!!!! :jaw: As everyone else has said, you haven't lost much if he treats you like this. As for his new woman...what goes around, comes around. I loved celtish's reply:


He thinks he's trading up...with a woman who delights in being the "other woman", who enjoys other people's pain and embarassment as much as he does. Frankly, I think it's a match made in Hell, and they're perfect for each other.

What goes around comes around, hon. Your side of the street is clean. Now that you've seen what he's really capable of, you know never to let him near you again.

You've taken the high road and have nothing to feel foolish about. Please take care of yourself. Vent here, invest in some counselling, treat yourself to something enjoyable. And above all, do not have ANY contact with him. He doesn't sound stable, and you certainly don't need any more pain than he's already inflicted.

As for his stuff...either I would have dumped it all on the street, or there would be a "mysterious jeep fire" as Kristen put it.

Take care. You're WAAAAAAYYYYYYY better off without this loser!!!!!!! However much it hurts right now, with some time to heal, you'll see how incredibly lucky you are to be out of that relationship.

:bighug: :grouphug: :bighug:

Nah...a Jeep fire could possibly land her in prison...for HIM, and getting it towed, while totally and completely justifiable, would feel really good for about 2 seconds. Then you'll realize it was retaliation and let him know you're angry. That's a language he understands.

You did it exactly right. With grace and dignity you treated him the way you always have...and he'll never get that. But you do. And so do we. And that's all that matters. People like him think kindness is a weakness.

We know it's a strength.

That's all that matters.

Thesedays....wow, this is all just awful....Im so sorry you are having to deal with this. I am kind of confused about something though. I remember way back you posting about finding out you were pregnant and not being sure as to what to do because the relationship was shakey..but eventually the two of you decided to keep the baby and stay together...

I see no mention of a baby...did I miss something? I apologize ..as I have been absent for awhile as well and am not up on everything, but If you have a child with this creep, then your decisions on how to handle him may need adjusted...I am assuming there is no baby...possibly a miscarriage....or you decided to end the pregnancy...I apologize again if you arent comfortable sharing that info, but I was curious.

At any rate....Hang in there sweetie...again, my heart goes out to you for having to deal with this, *big hugs to you*

. Lord only knows how he treated you when your pregnancy ended!! :mad:


OOPS I shouldve read the replies before I posted. Sorry to hear about this, and my apologies thesedays for bringing this up, I am sure it is painful...I shouldve looked in the archived posts! sooo sorry. :(

You have been in an abusive relationship for a long time. You can get help. I'm sure there are resources in your community.

((big hug))
listen girl, first, do not put yourself down for showing emotion...it's only natural in such an utterly horrendous situation.

i need you to think about something: it does not matter if he loved you or not, because he was never your destiny. a man who could do this, is not someone to mourn over. his evil actions should free you as they so clearly elucidate the fact that he is not who God wants you to be with. you are free of him. you do not need or want his love. it is only the illusion of what you thought you had with him that you mourn.

from this day forward, never speak to him again. never let him see you again. completely vanish from his life.
be careful to not resent him, that is to say: resenting him will tie you to him emotionally.

get back in touch with your youthful, happy independent side that doesn't need anyone. but also, get excited about the new guy you will meet soon!! sweetie, you don't need him. don't you dare beg after him or anything like that. he will figure out what a major d*** he is and then his karma will be right there waiting. for every action there's a reaction.

you will find your strength in completely separating from him. work out a lot, get a facial, be the most beautiful you you can be. it's time to create your new life.

I do believe I made a complete fool out of myself.

AGAIN, you have been brainwashed into no self-esteem! DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP!!!

Think about this... is 'using someone', something to BRAG ABOUT? If someone were to tell me that they used me, it would make me sad FOR THEM, not me.

I am in relationships because I want to share myself. If they use that, then 'God bless 'em'. I hope they got what they needed because it is obvious that, they are in more need, than I am.

There is no communication with someone that is as 'out to lunch' as he is. Think of them as two little 6 year olds, laughing and taunting someone. It is about their age, maturity wise.

They do not deserve any real estate in your brain! You don't get your dignity and esteem from people like this. Think of times in your life when you felt good about your self. That person is still in there. She has been through a lot but you will overcome this, I promise.

Keep posting/writing/grieving. It just takes some time... HUGS>> :prayer:

Thanks everyone. Im trying to find strength and hopefully will be able to find it soon. I'm still not even at the angry stage yet which I find strange.

He never came to get his jeep w/all his stuff in it last night. But I did notice the tire was gone. If you remember the jeep had a flat tire, he took the tire off it and left the jeep on jacks, well, he never went to get the tire fixed and the tire was in my garage, so I set it out in the driveway by his truck. Maybe he came and got the tire to get fixed and never came back for the jeep? I hope someone didn't steel it, would I be responsible for that?

Anyway, he called this morning to let me know he couldn't get a ride out there yesterday but would be by tonight to get it. He sounded tired and I could tell he wanted me to say "can we talk" but I did not. He said he had been sleeping on a "FRIENDS" couch and would probably be staying in his jeep ...BAH HA HA HA HA .....yeah right. He's staying with her or hoping him saying that would make me do what I always do and take care of everything ....."just come home until you find something" ........uhhh........can't do it.

I'm trying to keep what little self respect I have left. Which isn't much as you can tell by my posts.

Hun: I think that the tire most likely got stolen. You have to be prepared for his *****ing if that was the case. Tell him that you told him to come pick his stuff and that if it got stolen it is his own fault for not coming sooner.

Sounds like to me he is putting off coming to get his jeep and his stuff, hoping you will ask him back in. Please be strong and DO NOT let him back. I have been in a situation like this and it drug on for years. I finally had enough and it got ugly, but I got my life back. Give him a definite time to coem get his stuff. Tell him if he does not show up by a certain date you are going to have it towed and he can worry about it then. He is trying to get you back. He does not want you really, he just wants to use you like he has been doing. He will not change. The embarassment he caused you with the other woman should be enough for you to Step up and send him to the curb. My heart goes out to you. You acted very good. I could not have kept my composier in that situation. :fight: Find your strength. You and your child deserve so much more.

What a bastard!!!!

And she's going to get it from him too, or give it to him. It doesn't matter which.
I had steam coming out of my ears when I read your post. If it were me, I'd take that jeep and have it towed to the nearest convienient spot, like the icty impound. Tell the police your bf scares you, he should at this point, btw, and that you don't want him at your house for his things.

You could always call your local force to see how you can get the jeep lawfully off of your property, and I would do just that.

Don't EVER speak with this young man again, no matter how much he's hurt you. Your need for closure is a weakness he can exploit and he will do just that!

Remember, the power play here is to put yourself into Peachy mode "I'll be damned if I'd let someone like that control me!" and just move on with your life.

Ali

But I just reread all the posts in the thread and I'd missed the fact there were so many negative posts about this ym from as far back as 2005.

I don't mean to upset you, but I think you totally need THERAPY to understand why you let this young man treat you the way he did! I know some can think that's harsh, but I've been there and it left me feeling just awful about myself afterward. Not that I broke up with him, but that I didn't break up with him sooner. Was I so danged needy that I would put up with any guy?

My mom and I have reached the conclusion that at a certain age there are so few available men that tons of women just suck up and deal with bad behaviors in order to say they have a man in their lives. Sometimes it's not that bad, but when it reaches a certain level you simply have to let go and move on.

Stand By Your Man is only a song, not a credo to live by!

Ali

I'm glad you guys posted those old posts. I totally forgot about those. When things like this happen it's so easy to only focus on what was "good" in your relationship and not remember the "bad"

I need to go back and read ALL of those.

I think the "play" is about to happen. Just the fact that he told me he wasn't staying with her and they were "Just friends", as if I didn't watch them kissing and holding hands. As if he didn't tell me he was with her and only used me. I think he either (and I could be wrong) is going to ask me to work this out, because he either needs a place to stay or is going to try to make me feel sorry for him so I'll ask him if he wants to stay just so he can have the please of saying no and hurting me some more.

but I've been there and it left me feeling just awful about myself afterward. Not that I broke up with him, but that I didn't break up with him sooner. Was I so danged needy that I would put up with any guy? Yes, I too have the t-shirt on this one. :)

It wasn't until I truly loved myself and was no longer needing/wanting the dysfunctional guy's "love", that I became strong enough to say 'no' to relationships like this.

Trouble is, it is a vicious cycle. The more you need, the more your self esteem goes down the tube. It takes a lot to pull one's self up out of the cycle.

I could only do it with tons of therapy and support groups (like CODA). I hope you get the help you need to begin to love yourself again. :)

I'm glad you guys posted those old posts. I totally forgot about those. When things like this happen it's so easy to only focus on what was "good" in your relationship and not remember the "bad"

I need to go back and read ALL of those.

I think the "play" is about to happen. Just the fact that he told me he wasn't staying with her and they were "Just friends", as if I didn't watch them kissing and holding hands. As if he didn't tell me he was with her and only used me. I think he either (and I could be wrong) is going to ask me to work this out, because he either needs a place to stay or is going to try to make me feel sorry for him so I'll ask him if he wants to stay just so he can have the please of saying no and hurting me some more.

While I'm the first to admit I'm no shrink, having gone through the fire myself with this kind of behaviour I would have to think that the guy is a narcissist. They remember only what's convenient, and don't consider their past treatment of you as negative because it's simply their due. I called my ex on some of the crap he pulled while we were together and his off hand remark was, oh...yeah...I was angry. As if that justifies anything. They REALLY don't think what they're doing is wrong, because they don't think they live by the same rules everyone else does.

If this is the case and he is a narcissist, ANY kind of attention is good enough for them. The worst thing you can do to them is cut them cold, without explanation, without closure, and not give them their attention fix. Any attention at all can be twisted around in their minds as positive and that they're still in control and can manipulate you. And they're very very good at that, so chances are, they're right.

Cut him cold, thesedays. Even if he's not a narcissist, he's put you through enough. Time to get on with your life, get healthy, and learn to run screaming the other way when you start seeing signs like this. If you want a loving, healthy relationship, or even if you just want to be happy with yourself in your own skin, the best way to do it is to start with you.

Nah...a Jeep fire could possibly land her in prison...for HIM, and getting it towed, while totally and completely justifiable, would feel really good for about 2 seconds. Then you'll realize it was retaliation and let him know you're angry. That's a language he understands.

You did it exactly right. With grace and dignity you treated him the way you always have...and he'll never get that. But you do. And so do we. And that's all that matters. People like him think kindness is a weakness.

We know it's a strength.

That's all that matters.

Celtish is absolutely right, of course.

But one can fantasize!

I'm glad you guys posted those old posts. I totally forgot about those. When things like this happen it's so easy to only focus on what was "good" in your relationship and not remember the "bad"

I need to go back and read ALL of those.


That is so true, of course.

When my last bf was killed, everyone remembered him as a saint. And I was vilified for "ruining" him and causing his death and how could I possibly be seeing Jeremy. (Those same people previously told me I should leave F.)

What everyone conveniently forgot was that F was an alcoholic, was combative when drunk, fought with me constantly and did things behind my back and was a 40 year old man completely responsible for his own actions.

But, I couldn't see it while I was in it.

I look back at those 2.5 years with him and compare it to the 2.5 years I have now had with Jeremy and wonder why I put up with it all. Two polar opposite experiences.

I think I was just afraid to be alone.

But, if F hadn't been out of the picture (didn't want it to happen that way, of course, but it did) I never would have been with Jeremy, who, despite my recent complaints, is the best man I have ever been with.

Amazing how your expectations go up when you've had better!

I know it's hard now, but you will get past this, Thesedays. And your life will be better for it. :bighug:

I don't see towing his jeep as anything vindictive, to be honest...

WHY on earth should she be sitting there with his stuff? Why should she have to come home and see it there? He killed their relationship, I see it as garbage disposal -- for herself, not to get back at him (I think he's going to do a good enough job of ruining his life all by himself).

We are talking about a guy who will probably keep stringing the OP along until he can milk everything he can out of her. Why should she have to deal with having his stuff in her possession?

The guy does all this and doesn't even have the nads to come collect his stuff. I say, get rid of it... in a legal way, of course, by getting it towed away. Message loud and clear: "I'm done with you."

UUGGHH......I have serious issues. He called again and said he'd be buy after work to get his stuff.

I asked him if he was positive this is what he wanted for his life and for himself. WHY DID I ASK THAT? WHY DO I CARE? I shouldn't care. I should be saying that I DON'T want this for MY life not asking him that !! Uuugghhh......of course I just set myself up for more heartache .........his response was "I don't want you for my life".

If he doesn't get his truck tonight I am having it towed. I have no way of contacting him ....he doesn't have a cell phone, and the only reason why he calls is for his truck. If it isn't there he won't have to call me.

thesedays:

I am so sorry for your pain. He is not good enough for you & raise your head high & move on! Yes, it's difficult, but it's his loss.

I hope he leaves you alone & stops showing his ***.

Big hugs to you.

I agree with Celtish......he sounds like a narcissistic creep. Drop him like a bad, bad habit honey.

I have read only the first page of posts.

I say, good riddance. Let those 2 have each other, and be glad that he's no longer your problem. If girlfriend thinks that she's getting a prize, then she must be blind. You deserve a real man, a good man.

As to the car-I read that he doesn't have a phone, correct? He doesn't have a cellular phone? Does he have an address where he receives mail? I would mail him a letter giving him 5 day's notice that the Jeep will be towed, and where it will be located after the tow. Then tow it and be done with it.

I don't see towing his jeep as anything vindictive, to be honest...

WHY on earth should she be sitting there with his stuff? Why should she have to come home and see it there? He killed their relationship, I see it as garbage disposal -- for herself, not to get back at him (I think he's going to do a good enough job of ruining his life all by himself).

We are talking about a guy who will probably keep stringing the OP along until he can milk everything he can out of her. Why should she have to deal with having his stuff in her possession?

The guy does all this and doesn't even have the nads to come collect his stuff. I say, get rid of it... in a legal way, of course, by getting it towed away. Message loud and clear: "I'm done with you."

It has everything to do with motive, PinkCat. If her motives come from a place of vindictiveness, then she's going to feel worse later down the line. If, however, she gives him a timeline and THEN has it towed, it's on him, and her conscience can be clear.

Hun: I think that the tire most likely got stolen. You have to be prepared for his *****ing if that was the case. Tell him that you told him to come pick his stuff and that if it got stolen it is his own fault for not coming sooner.

Be careful, these. He may have taken the tire, in hopes of accusing you of taking it (and thus finding a way to keep in contact with you).:pppbbbttt:

UUGGHH......I have serious issues. He called again and said he'd be buy after work to get his stuff.

I asked him if he was positive this is what he wanted for his life and for himself. WHY DID I ASK THAT? WHY DO I CARE? I shouldn't care. I should be saying that I DON'T want this for MY life not asking him that !! Uuugghhh......of course I just set myself up for more heartache .........his response was "I don't want you for my life".

First of all, I am really sorry you have had your heart broken like this, Thesedays. I feel for you because like most here I have been there and gotten the t-shirt (well, only was 4 months in my case, not 3 years, but still).

And it MIGHT be you have issues that therapy might be able to help with. It might also be that you have just been too naive about relationships ;) As I have not gone back to read up your history with this guy for the past 2-3 years, all I can tell you is: get MAD, first at him, then also at yourself for allowing this to happen, because this again will make sure you will never fall into that trap again.

Take it as a lesson in life, but now pick yourself up and tell this guy to eff off next time you are hearing from him. Stop wondering about why he did what, just accept that he did for whatever weird reason and lastly, most certainly, tell yourself you deserve better and that you will never let yourself get so blindsided again.

Then go to the hairdresser, pick up some nice stuff you really always wanted for yourself or your baby and start counting the days anew as "my life after"!

You can do it, **** happens to everyone, the important thing is to learn from it ;)

Sorry if I don't sound too sympathetic, I do sympathise and I know it won't be that easy at the beginning, but you just have keep remembering this, that's why I am writing it ...

Be careful, these. He may have taken the tire, in hopes of accusing you of taking it (and thus finding a way to keep in contact with you).:pppbbbttt:

The same thing he's doing by not having picked up his stuff yet. Keeping contact is their way of keeping that "hold" they have.

Believe me, i know. The best thing will be when you DO NOT have to pick up the phone, or any any kind of messages. That's the only way these kind of people realllly believe that's its over. Its very hard to do, i know.

I asked him if he was positive this is what he wanted for his life and for himself.

A friendly kick in the tush from Sheila to Thesedays. Woman! I know I would have been saying the same things though. I wish you strength in these difficult times.

I asked him if he was positive this is what he wanted for his life and for himself.

DON"T DO THIS !!! I know this is hard, I know because I did it more than my share.
What saved me, was therapy and antidepressant drugs. Looking back, I realise that the main reason I had no strenght to let him go is because I was so emotionnaly abused by him (He was diagnosed as a narcissic, obsessive-compulsive BTW)that I had lost all my self esteem.. Rosebud is right on that one, it is a vicious cycle. More this man put you down, less strenght you have, less strenght you have, more dependant you become, therefore open to more abuse....

If you don't feel strongh enough when you see him,seek help. Therapist, doctor,girl friend... Make sure to asses you mental stade.. It took me about a year to recover from an abusive relationship.. I finaly was able to function without therapie or drugs.
My heart ache when I see other woman in this place.
Take care.
HUGS

UUGGHH......I have serious issues. He called again and said he'd be buy after work to get his stuff.

I asked him if he was positive this is what he wanted for his life and for himself. WHY DID I ASK THAT? WHY DO I CARE? I shouldn't care. I should be saying that I DON'T want this for MY life not asking him that !! Uuugghhh......of course I just set myself up for more heartache .........his response was "I don't want you for my life".

If he doesn't get his truck tonight I am having it towed. I have no way of contacting him ....he doesn't have a cell phone, and the only reason why he calls is for his truck. If it isn't there he won't have to call me.

Because you're human. Sometimes we need allow ourselves to go there. I remember doing that once, and in the back of my mind saying, okay, I needed to put myself here, and I need to remember this place and what I'm feeling, because I NEVER want to go back here again.

As for should...shoulda woulda coulda. Don't even play that game with yourself. You did what you did because you needed to. That's all. You'll figure out why when you've got some time and detachment put in. I don't think there's anything masochistic about it unless you secretly like the pain. Clearly you don't. It's all part of the process of moving on.

UUGGHH......I have serious issues. He called again and said he'd be buy after work to get his stuff.

I asked him if he was positive this is what he wanted for his life and for himself. WHY DID I ASK THAT? WHY DO I CARE? I shouldn't care. I should be saying that I DON'T want this for MY life not asking him that !! Uuugghhh......of course I just set myself up for more heartache .........his response was "I don't want you for my life".

If he doesn't get his truck tonight I am having it towed. I have no way of contacting him ....he doesn't have a cell phone, and the only reason why he calls is for his truck. If it isn't there he won't have to call me.


Get the car towed. And give yourself the biggest pity party. I don't mean this meanly. I literally mean grab stuff that will comfort you and cry your eyes out.

That's the only way to begin healing. Know that you have a million ((((hugs)))) coming your way from all of us.

There's a couple women here who just went through what you're feeling. So when ever you're feeling hopeless know that people here are in the stages of recovery too and can tell you, there is hope.

Yes, and I am one of those women who can tell you there is hope. I'm two months out....do I feel great? No. Do I feel resolved? Yes. I know that my life is my own now and I'm happy that my decisions are healthier.

I was in a very dysfunctional dynamic that beat down my self-esteem every step of the way. It didn't seem like it at the time, but trust me, when you get perspective (which time allows you to do) you realize more and more the reality of the situation. And my situation was self-induced. I don't know why I stayed in it so long...and you'll probably wonder the same thing.

Most guys can compartmentalize. They don't experience the level of caring that women do. We have to take care of ourselves, lest we are abused by our own permission.

You will feel like crap for a while. Accept that. There is no way to avoid it. Just watch yourself as a silent witness. Imagine yourself happy and whole someday. Then watch it unfold.

"The same thing he's doing by not having picked up his stuff yet. Keeping contact is their way of keeping that "hold" they have."


I don't believe that men care too much about their "stuff" at least not the way woman do. His leaving a broken down car & miscelleaneous clothing etc. doesn't mean he's coming back to get it.
IMO men would rather just replace the stuff (if hey can even remember what they left behind to begin with) than deal with the drama.


I agree!!! Throw yourself a party. Even if it's by yourself. you deserve it!

if that jeep were still in front of my house at this point, i'd report it as an abandoned vehicle, and let the city deal with it.

It's so disrespectful of him to leave anything behind after what he did. I agree again. Call someone & get the jeep off your premises. You won't be in he wrong legally either. Hope your day is going better. Chin up!


:bighug:

1. Definetely get that Jeep out of there. Call the city, see how to best do it, and don't even give him the courtesy of letting him know. Stick a note on the driveway where it used to be.

2. Do not speak to him ever again in your life. Don't fall for it. Don't answer the door when he wonders where his Jeep is. Call the police instead. DO NOT SPEAK TO HIM.

3. Go and take care of yourself, spring for a spa day or something. Or just get a facial, get your nails done, something. Do something really nice for yourself. Start right now with treating yourself with the respect you deserve.

I'm so sorry about all of this.

If you remember my last post, you'll remember I was having a hard time letting go. I didnt want to. I wanted to believe what he was saying because I love him.

These past 2 weeks have been "good". Not wonderful but working towards some resolutions. He stated he thought about alot of things and couldn't imagine his life without me. We had a past, and he couldn't imagine not having a future.

Then last night he didn't come home. I had a "gut" feeling, and I find him, out with someone else. He looks right at me and tells me that he's with someone else now. He looks at her and says, this is the one I was telling you about. I ask him to come outside and talk to me (making a complete fool out of myself obviously), he does only to tell me that it's over, he doesn't want me. she then comes out and he tells me how wonderful she is ........I make a bigger fool of myself asking why he didn't just move, why he was telling me how much he loved me for the past 2 weeks .........SHE starts laughing and says "Because he was using you" .........he then starts laughing and says "she's right" he told her he didn't live with me, that I was making that up also ........who is so cold like that?

I left, I was mortified. But not before saying "Well, since you don't live with me, you don't need my house key, let me have it back?" He tried to ignore me, so I said it to her, you don't believe me, you believe him .......then ask him to give back my house key. If he doesn't live there, he doesn't need it. He actually handed it to her.

His jeep has a flat tire and was supposed to be fixed 2 days ago, I went home, jeep in the driveway, tire off waiting to be fixed .....and I loaded up EVERYTHING he owns in the jeep. Saw he never took the tire from the garage as he said he did, so I sat that out there for him also. Never slept, had to be at work by 7:00.

My sister said he would call. She said he'll call and want to come ......eventually, I just hope you're strong enough to say no. However, I don't believe he will ..........he was pretty decisive and final in not wanting me. He was pretty adamant that he had only used me.

Well, he did call today, to ask how he was going to get in the house to get his stuff. I let him know he didn't need to get in the house to get his stuff, it was outside packed in his jeep. He asked about his tools and his "boxes" of stuff in the garage, I said Yep, there packed in there to. He said he would still need to get in the garage to get his tire to get it fixed, I told him not to worry I sat that outside also. I was being so stong, so emotionless and then I broke ......I said After 3 years don't you think I deserved something a little more civil than what you did to me. To sit there and tell me that you used me, that you never loved me and never said the things to me these past 2 weeks that you did .......it was uncalled for and horribly painful. I was crying ...........he said .........I'll be there later to get my jeep and he hung up.

The impression i'm getting from your post, Thesedays, is that you've decided that your issues with R are because is he a YM and you are hoping will grow out of it. I don't know how old he is, and I don't know when you anticipate he will grow out of these issues.

We've both been around here for quite some time and what I do recall is being really angry with the way he has treated you through your miscarriage, forgetting your birthday, and his latest escapade that I quoted from above.

It's not about hiding a perfect relationship or waiting around for a YM to mature. It's about being accountable for your actions at ANY age. He isn't accountable because he doesn't have to be.

Why do you persist with this guy? You know you deserve better. What kind of example does he set for your son?

I'm glad you broke off your engagement. What's next?

Hmmm.......Thanks for dredging this up. While I'm sure you were meaning well, this was in March and R and I have been in counseling for the past 6 months.

This post ........his cheating, coldness and downright disrepect of me, our relationship and my feelings obviously has NOTHING to do with his age, nor did I mention this in my age issues post.

Not even I would be crazy enough to think the events that took place between Jan - March would have anything to do with an AG relationship.

We've come along way with counseling these past 6 months and both of us see our own part in the events that lead up to March. While there is no excuse for what he did during those months, it has nothing to do with my AG issue post as this is a totally seperate event.

Wow! If this is the guy you are back together with, I think it does need dredging up. Call me cold, but I could never summon up the depth of forgiveness that you have given this man and I am sitting here shaking my head and asking "Why?"

um, so you mean after that story that was just quoted, you actually took him back? Wow, he must be one smooth talker.

Ha Ha ......shaking my head and yes, an honest laugh.

May this be the reason people don't post issues?

Let's see, I'm sorry if you can not fathom the reasons why I choose to work on my relationship with R. We all make our own choices in our relationships for what works for us and we all have our own reasons for why we do so.

I did not dredge up this post nor am I asking for advice on this particular issue. As I already stated we have been in couples counseling for the past 6 months and the events that lead up to this particular incident and the actual incident itself are a thing of the past.

How quick we are to tell people what WE wouldn't do when he haven't been in their shoes or exact situation.

Funny how alot (not all) of people would prefer to dig up my old "garbage" then actually pull their head out of the sand on the real issues that can and do occur in AG relationships. Which was the purpose of my orignal post that has now turned in to this.

May this be the reason people don't post issues?

Yep! :yes:

Like I said in your other thread - friends and family have loooong memories long after we have forgiven and forgotten!

So, I'll post about age gap stuff, but I try to avoid posting too much unless it's age gap related and if it's not, only long after if has happened and been resolved!

I know this is completely off topic from your other thread, but I just reread this thread and I have to ask - what DID this guy do to get back into your good graces? How did you even speak to him after what he did (completely humiliate you in front of that other woman) to get into couples counciling? Even before that he had done some horrible things (which you thanked me for pointing out in this thread.)

I know your problems with hiim weren't age related, but I had forgotten your story and I'm completely shocked that you gave him another chance after all that he put you through!! He must have been pretty convincing. Are you still in counciling?

Yes, we are still in couseling. Actually, he (of course) moved out and in with his parents. He attended counseling the first month or month 1/2 by himself before I would even think about going and then I decided to go.

I don't want to get in to R's private / personal issues. But to sum it up R had a childhood that most only read about.

While I truly believe that once you reach a certain age you can make your own decisions about what is right and what is wrong and choose to live your life differently than how you were brought up ..........some is "learned" and what seems wrong to most, would seem okay if that's all you knew.

As an example .........the entire time I was growing up my mother dated a married man. I think I was 5 or 6 when I knew he was married. He came over almost every night for dinner and was there every weekend the entire time I was growing up. My brother, sister and I KNEW he was married but it seemed "normal" to us. Why wouldn't it be? My mother wouldn't do anything wrong. I think by the time we were 15 or 16 we just didn't even think about it anymore ......it wasn't until I was around 25 or 26 that I really thought about how horrible it was that not only did my mother do that, but that she did it in front of us and expected us to keep her "secret". He wasn't a neighbor, we didn't know his wife, but still, it wasn't right and we grew up thinking it was fine.

R has worse experiences than this, but certain things he has "learned" to be "normal" which aren't.

Such a weird thread :)

I think you should marry him.. as you seem to forgive him from this incident. Cant really do anything worse than what he did, and you forgave him. So thats why I think you should get married.

Well, thanks for the update, thesedays. I'm glad you guys got into counseling.

As my dad used to say, "if you're happy, I'm happy".

Ha Ha ......shaking my head and yes, an honest laugh.

May this be the reason people don't post issues?

Let's see, I'm sorry if you can not fathom the reasons why I choose to work on my relationship with R. We all make our own choices in our relationships for what works for us and we all have our own reasons for why we do so.

I did not dredge up this post nor am I asking for advice on this particular issue. As I already stated we have been in couples counseling for the past 6 months and the events that lead up to this particular incident and the actual incident itself are a thing of the past.

How quick we are to tell people what WE wouldn't do when he haven't been in their shoes or exact situation.

Funny how alot (not all) of people would prefer to dig up my old "garbage" then actually pull their head out of the sand on the real issues that can and do occur in AG relationships. Which was the purpose of my orignal post that has now turned in to this.


some people are jsut bitter ..if you choose to take him back and he is working hard to change ..he has every right to another chance. Do not let nobheads get to you

some people are jsut bitter ..if you choose to take him back and he is working hard to change ..he has every right to another chance. Do not let nobheads get to you

Well, I am neither a nobhead nor bitter, just amazed. I would agree that its your place to make the judgement call on this Thesedays, not ours.

Yes. As I stated in the other thread, it's solely theseday's decision to work things out with her YM. However I am not at all bitter nor do I consider myself to be a nobhead. I have never been cheated on either so why would I be bitter over her forgiving him? Personally, I feel that there are enough fish in the sea that if my man ever cheated on me or treated me in that way in front of another woman, he would be history. Lying about something as important as his cheating would also be a permanent deal breaker for me.

Again though, thesedays has made her choice to move forward and I accept that. But don't call me bitter or a nobhead. This is a public internet forum and part of what goes with these message boards is a lot of open talk and civilized discussion. And we cannot pick and choose who gets to read these threads or post in them.

OK guys.....
This is my thought about this thread..........
I think that it is hurtful to the OP b/c her choices were to move forward with him regardless of any others opinions.
This is an older thread and sometimes dredging up the past does no good but to open healing wounds.
She posted a new thread about current issues........I think that we all should respect her feelings and stick to the newer thread and let this one go back into the archives.
Blessings, TD

So if you see someone contemplating suicide, do you A: Leave him/her be, its up to him/her, his/her decisison or B: Try to intefere and perhaps even stop him/her.

Its nothing as bad as this, im just exaggerating to get the "complaining" side understood. We're not nobheads just concerned as jerks are and always will be jerks...

My point of view.