Spending too much time together?

I was just wondering if anyone else has ran into this problem. I was reading another thread and it brought this to mind.
Brownbear (my husband) and I spend most of our free time together. But over the years I have had girlfriends that tell me it is unhealthy for a relationship to spend all this time together. And they have frequently ridiculed me for it. Some even making accusations that Brownbear won't LET me go out without him. I think they just don't get it. I have tried the girls night out thing. While in general I had a good time, I missed the company of Brownbear. He is like my best friend...and I do feel funny without him there. Still on occasion I will go out with just the girls. But honestly, I am sitting there thinking that I would be having so much MORE fun if he were there or even if I were at home with him. I don't think it is unhealthy...lol.
What do you think? I realize every relationship is different. But this is just our preference. I do get tired of the nasty accusations tho.:rolleyes:

Every relationship is different. What I enjoy the most is spending time with my bf. I went on a fun business trip last week and my poor coworker was bored with my "Oh I miss my bf" sighs.

Isn't it wonderful to have a man you want to be with?

Do not worry about what other people have to say.

Kindanice, let me tell you my experience with this: My entire world revolved around my then-husband and I would always hear the same warnings from people that you are hearing. I listened, I considered their words, and I decided that that was how I was happy living my life and if there would be negative consequences when he died or we divorced, I would accept them. I considered their words to be words of concern and good advice and, in a way, I am grateful for them because it made my decision an informed decision and I wasn't surprised when it was hard - just as they said it would be - when we divorced, and I have no regrets. ;)

I feel like you do. There is nothing I would want to do that didnt include my guy. I will often go out with my friends (all of which happen to be men for the most part) but never is he not invited or welcome. Most times, he comes along, but sometimes he is too tired, has something else he needs to do, etc. What Im saying is, I dont ever exclude him and I dont see a reason to. He works 10-12 hrs a day, it isnt like we are together 24/7 so, when there is free time, I want him around. He is my favorite person to be with, I dont feel I need time away from him for "girls nights" or anything else. I get plenty of time to myself when he is working. Maybe I would feel differently if we worked together, or he worked from home and I saw him all the time. I dont see anything unhealthy about that, as long as you both are in agreement with that policy.

My YM's co-workers are all about the weekly "guys night" where they go to the bar and watch sports and ogle the college girl waitresses. All of them are married and have little ones and they will go right after work and stay until close. They invite him every week, and every week he says no thanks and comes home to be with me...they give him sooo much crap it isnt even funny. I dont get it really...if you are married, and you work all day, why would you want to go spend an additional 6-7 hrs with your co-workers and leave your wife and kids home missing you? THAT seems unhealthy to me.

Obviously you have to have other people in your life besides your SO and I do think its unhealthy to revolve your whole world around one person but I dont see why the two cant be combined, my friends are his friends, etc.

What do you think? I realize every relationship is different. But this is just our preference. I do get tired of the nasty accusations tho.:rolleyes:

Well, i dont know your friends, only you know them. So only you know which ones are really concerned, and which ones are just really JEALOUS. ya know! the ol' green-eyed monster!!

A couple times, a couple great friends thruout my life who i really thought cared about me, were never happy for me when i had a guy in my life. No matter if he was halfway decent or not! They always found fault with some part of it. It was really sad.

I think you should enjoy your man, and be glad you love spending time with each other. From what i can see, you certainly have your own identity :)

I feel just like you and I don't see anything wrong with it.

I always wondered if those friends that made those comments to me didn't ever have someone that rocked their world the way my man does mine.

Rock on. :bgrin2:

Plus...if we lived by their rules we'd be dating men our own age. :no:

Plus...if we lived by their rules we'd be dating men our own age. :no:

:1appl:

........

It sounds like they want you to themselves, and maybe are a bit jealous of your relationship? That, or they're happy for you, but miss you, too. They would like to share your company one-on-one, just the girls, like the old days? If that's so, then maybe a little TLC for your friends is in order? Once in a while.

But really, my first reaction was to say, good for you, to have a wonderful relationship that you'd rather be around all the time! Isn't that what everyone wants? yeah, maybe they've not had that in their lives!

To answer your question, no, I don't think it's unhealthy, I just think it's lucky.

;)

...To answer your question, no, I don't think it's unhealthy, I just think it's lucky.

;)


YAAAAY FOR ME!!!!!:ohyes:

I, too, spend most of my free time with my husband. We say we're in the hedgehog fan club - membership two - and we like it best that way.

That's not to say that we don't ever do anything without the other; Tim goes to a men's Bible study - I'd feel a little out-of-place there :giggle: - and he'd feel the same at my women's Bible study. He just went to a Scrabble night at the home of some dear friends' of ours the other night. I had some things I needed to do here at home so he went without me. My friend and I went shopping last Saturday. My hubby would have been insanely bored if he'd tagged along so we went without him. That night, we all went to dinner and the comedy club together.

But when it comes to just hanging out - going to a coffee shop, Barnes & Noble, watching the latest movie... we do those things together. We prefer it that way, consider ourselves very blessed to be each other's best friend, and we make no apologies for it. :thumbsup_still:

Your friends could have bells going off because in an abusive relationship one of the first things the abuser does is divide and conquer. They separate the other person from their support group...friends, family, so that they are the only source of support the other person has. In your case they could be jumping to conclusions though, because the abuser also denies them talking on the phone, and even monitors email.

There is a huge difference between choosing to be with your guy, and being coerced into it. If you've let them know that you LIKE it this way and they don't listen, then they're either being alarmist or perhaps envious. You could point out that if they're worried, they should look for other signs of abuse, like depression, covering up the abusers behaviour, making excuses for him, etc.

The other side of the coin, though, and I've been on the receiving end of this, is when a woman becomes good friends with someone else, and as soon as she finds a guy her friend is dropped like a hot potato. It causes the friend to feel sort of used. Even worse, when the woman goes to her friends to bemoan problems in the relationship and once the situation is resolved, the friends go back to being ignored again. It makes the rest of her circle feel like she's very fickle, opportunistic, and not really a good friend at all.

It's up to you to determine what the situation is with you, whether they're just worried, or whether they feel like you've traded them in for something better. Could they be teasing you because their own feelings are hurt?

I think if there were doing stuff that you were really interested in doing on "Girls Night Out" that you would enjoy it as much as your time with Brownbear.

We have done cooking classes for girls night out, pottery painting, gone to a show about women's issues, stuff like that...girly stuff. We haven't gone to bars and gone wild kind of girls nights out.

I have women friends that range in age from 23 to 71. Even though I usually see most of my women friends only about once a month, the time we spend together is rich and rewarding.

If your girlfriends aren't in sync with you and your life, maybe it would be fun to find some new friends that you mesh better with :)

I know that if I listened to everything my friends told me I wouldn't even be in the relationship I'm in now. They've since 'learned' that they were wrong about us, but the point is is that everyone has their own opinion on what is right.

Dereck and I also spend most of our free time together. Sometimes we don't do anything at all, just being in the same room is often all we need. He's also my best friend. And I know what you mean about having a good time with your friends but wishing you were with your husband instead. Or boyfriend. I'm like that too... having a good time but thinking about when I am finally home with him. He's truly my other half. I feel content when with him.

I was never interested in a girls night out when I was married nor when I was in my little relationship with my YM. However, now that I have no man in my life and cannot foresee myself ever going through the changes that having a man would require, I'm thinking of maybe dipping my toe into the "girlfriend" scene. And NO I don't mean that kind of "girlfriend scene"! :no: :giggle: (Not that there's anything wrong with that! :D )

Especially since reading Bubbleee's arrangement of getting together with her girls on a monthly bases.

I see absolutely no harm in wanting to spend as much time with the person you love and admire.

What I have a problem with is double standard friends regarding this topic.

Many years ago I had a friend who would always call when her guy was at work and she was bored and wanting to go shopping. She always complained of having no friends to hang out with and about being lonely. As long as I had nothing planned, I would go with her regardless if my ex was home or working. My ex and I worked varying shifts and days and hardly had much time at home together with our son as a family. But as a friend I wanted to be there for her. So I'd tag along even when it meant losing out on quality time with my ex.

However, when I was home bored and wanted to get out shopping, I would call her and ask if she wanted to tag along. I came to realize really quickly that she had a double standard. If her guy was home, she would NOT leave the house unless he was coming with us. If he was at work, she'd happily tag along.

Her double standard began to drive me up the wall that it was okay that I give up time with my ex, yet she wasn't willing to do the same.

I also had another friend that did something close to this also.

So for me...don't expect me to give up quality time with my children and SO if you aren't willing to do the same when I need the company of a friend. I thoroughly enjoy spending a lot of my free time with my SO but it doesn't mean I have to spend every waking moment with him.

So I don't necessarily have a issue with a person who wants to spend a lot of time with their SO, just PersonA who isn't willing to sacrifice quality time with their SO for PersonB but yet expects PersonB to sacrifice their quality time with their SO when PersonA is bored because their SO is working or gone.

Clear as mud? LOL Hopefully that made sense! ;)

That totally makes sense. I have a friend who pulls that number too. Makes me furious!:mad:

I was never interested in a girls night out when I was married nor when I was in my little relationship with my YM. However, now that I have no man in my life and cannot foresee myself ever going through the changes that having a man would require, I'm thinking of maybe dipping my toe into the "girlfriend" scene. And NO I don't mean that kind of "girlfriend scene"! :no: :giggle: (Not that there's anything wrong with that! :D )

Especially since reading Bubbleee's arrangement of getting together with her girls on a monthly bases.

You Go Gurl!!! I think you SHOULD dip your toe into the "girlfriend" scene.:yes:

I was just wondering if anyone else has ran into this problem. I was reading another thread and it brought this to mind.
Brownbear (my husband) and I spend most of our free time together. But over the years I have had girlfriends that tell me it is unhealthy for a relationship to spend all this time together. And they have frequently ridiculed me for it. Some even making accusations that Brownbear won't LET me go out without him. I think they just don't get it. I have tried the girls night out thing. While in general I had a good time, I missed the company of Brownbear. He is like my best friend...and I do feel funny without him there. Still on occasion I will go out with just the girls. But honestly, I am sitting there thinking that I would be having so much MORE fun if he were there or even if I were at home with him. I don't think it is unhealthy...lol.
What do you think? I realize every relationship is different. But this is just our preference. I do get tired of the nasty accusations tho.:rolleyes:

I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT YOU ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, YOU'RE NOT HURTING ANYONE.

well we have been apart for years so although i function just fine without Adam, I prefer to be with him when we can.

Adam is a really nice guy and the best friend I ever had and my biggest fan.

Why wouldnt I want to be around that? I think for the record, you and your fella are perfectly normal.

After being in a couple of pretty "cloistered" relationships in my life, I've realized that maintaining...and nurturing...my friendships is extremely important to me. For me, that would include a couple of guy-friends (who are gay, actually), so not just girls in the biological sense:D .

I've never been a typical "girls night out" kinda gal, so I don't mean that per se...but I DO keep in touch and value my "hang out" time with them even if it's just lunches here and there, phone calls to catch up, attending a dance workshop together in another city etc. Jake and I have two sets of mutual friends (couples)...one is 32/31, the other 52/53:) .... that we get together with pretty regularly. When we do, it's often the guys doing/talking about what they want, while the girls "hang" in a different room or whatever.

I guess, the only thing I see as potentially unhealthy (since it definitely was for me in the past) was literally having NO other friendships or activities or hobbies (other than work) that weren't shared with the guy in a relationship with me. If you do everything together, and only together, it is a nightmare in a breakup or a death (of either person). Plus, you kind of start to lose your own identity in some way. When I felt completely alone (my own fault) after my last breakup, I vowed I would NEVER stop growing on my own (taking classes, learning new hobbies, meeting new people) OR set aside my friendships with girlfriends. I actually went to the 2-3 girls I'd virtually ignored for several years while I "cloistered" in my last relationship...and asked their forgiveness for being a lame friend during that time.

I think a good relationship has a solid priority system in place for human time and energy : 1. each other, 2. family, 3. others, but that all three are important in varying degrees. Here's our system...if Jake says, "Hey, the guys asked me to go riding Saturday for a few hours (motorcycles), what do you think?" If I'd really been hoping to spend time with him then, I rate my desire to be with him at an 8 or 9 (on a scale of one to ten)...if his desire to spend time with the guys is at a 6, WE hang out instead. If I'm a 5 and he's at a 9 I realize how important it is to him to have that time, and I encourage him to do it:) It goes both ways, and we both benefit from the "down time" away...Plus, we are REALLY glad to reunite after time away.

This is a bit off topic, but I thought it was really insightful and wanted to share it. I just read that one MAJOR way to keep the "romance alive" in LTR's, marriages is to NOT share everything. They weren't talking about friends exactly, but more about the familiar/mundane stuff. For instance things like always brushing your teeth together, using the toity in front of each other, changing in front of each other (ALL the time..), etc. The point was that the little "mystery"-component about each other that is so alluring to us gets lost if you are always together and do everything (especially the not-so attractive stuff) in front of each other. It's all about changing it up and keeping some novelty in the relationship.

Makes sense to me.

95% of the time I prefer spending with Jake; but laughing, learning, growing and nurturing other friendships that other 5% also enhances my life in many ways. Actually, I value my alone time and friend time so much...and so does he, so we are on the same page.

My side
I have always told kindanice she can go and do what she wants. The real problem here is that most of the girls have unstable or somewhat rocky relationships. I feel like they see use happy and are trying to come between us. We go to cookouts and parties with all of them and it never fails they leave their man setting and end up flirting with me, hugging me or kissing on the cheek. Now if I am such a mean person then why do they always end up next to me? I don't really have time for all this drama.

UH-huh...why am i not surprised...go back to my first post in this thread...regarding JEALOUSY. I've BTDT as far as how friends treated me when i was in a happy relationship.

We can try to analyze how they might be wishing for our well-being, etc., but cynical me doenst see it that way. I see the truth... LOL! :pppbbbttt:

Jerm and I spend all our free time together as a family with my daughter Jes.

Jerm and I have date night weekly to where we go out and have intimate time together to allow us to be us. Not mom and dad, but Jerm and Sora. To just being ourselves. We throughly enjoy this time.

As Jes is getting older into her teen years, we're noticing that she wants to be with friends and have her special time with them. It all seems the norm and works well for all of us. I suppose each of us are growing and finding ourselves.

Jerm and I really don't have alone time with our friends. We're both not desiring to go out and be just with friends. Healthy or not, its just not what we want to do. If we go out with friends we're a package deal. And, we all have fun together.

We were in a LDR for over a year. Together physically now for 3 years (married 1 year)........we wanted so badly to be with each other during that LDR that I think its why we have no desire to be apart.......

we are throughly in love with each other and enjoy each other with all our being. We call each other throughout the day to tell each other how much we love each other.

We both work fulltime 40 plus hours a week. He attends university fulltime also. My outside interests. My daughter with her school activities and social life. Our schedules are full and extra time is limited.

I love my life and wouldn't change it for anything. He consumes me.

love,
sora

I wish that I could have someone spend time with me. Someone that would want to do things with, I see nothing wrong with that at all. The only time I would think its a problem is if there around me just because there worried others coming on to me.

Jealousy rears its ugly head sometimes....... WHo cares what they say ... tell em its NONE of their business.

I always spend time with my hubby!!!! Our time apart is when we work :)

Jealousy rears its ugly head sometimes....... WHo cares what they say ... tell em its NONE of their business.

I always spend time with my hubby!!!! Our time apart is when we work :)

Im with you on that.

I can't wait to spend my time with the person that understands, cares and loves me and wants to spend his time with me also. If you find that kind of love you really need to grab a hold of it with both hands and never let it go because in todays world relationships like that are so rare and few and far between. Just follow your heart and always keep it fresh and you really can't lose.

I can't wait to spend my time with the person that understands, cares and loves me and wants to spend his time with me also. If you find that kind of love you really need to grab a hold of it with both hands and never let it go because in todays world relationships like that are so rare and few and far between. Just follow your heart and always keep it fresh and you really can't lose.

I beleive in what your saying.. Its very true and thats why I have a hold of you and WONT let go...

My side
I have always told kindanice she can go and do what she wants. The real problem here is that most of the girls have unstable or somewhat rocky relationships. I feel like they see use happy and are trying to come between us. We go to cookouts and parties with all of them and it never fails they leave their man setting and end up flirting with me, hugging me or kissing on the cheek. Now if I am such a mean person then why do they always end up next to me? I don't really have time for all this drama.

Yeah, that does sound like drama, including them trying to make their SOs maybe just a little jealous by indicating that they're preferring your attentions over that of their SOs. A little flirting between friends is not abnormal but in your (plural 'your' = BB and Kinda) situation it sounds like there's a little drama going on.

Kindanice, as far as hanging with the girls, maybe some of your friends are a tad jealous of your relationship but maybe some of them miss your company, too! :)

I'm like a lot of gals here - I like hanging with the man in my life. And I typically wind up in relationships where the guy feels the same way. In other words, we spend a lot of time together because we enjoy each other's company and enjoy doing a lot of the same activities. Nothing wrong with that, and as someone else wrote, I think it's lucky to be with someone that you have romantic feelings for AND enjoy hanging with a lot.

That said, I strive to maintain my friendships with my close girlfriends when I'm in a relationship. Phone calls, emails, postcards to say hi. And there's nothing wrong with missing your guy while you're having a girls' night out. Again, it just confirms that you wub him.

And here's one important thing to consider: Are the gals that you (BB and Kinda) are talking about your friends, or just acquaintences? Are they really your good friends?

My true friends occasionally joke with me when I meet someone new that 'well, I guess I won't be seeing you much for a while' but never in a malicious way. Those that have made snotty comments along the same vein, well, aren't my friends any longer, because that attitude and selfishness permeates their lives, far beyond the immediate situation.

Blahblahblah...hang with those you love and love to be with.