She doesn't tell me her age

Hi everyone, my OW and I have been dating for nearly 2 years now and despite the level of trust and amazing relationship we have, she is still to tell me her age, after tried "1001" different ways of asking her.

The first year of our relationship I didn't real cared about her age, since I love her, but considering my curious nature, I ended up after sometime wanting to know her age, and now more than ever, since her birthday is coming up soon.

I understand for some ladies out there telling their true age may be as a big no go, but sincerely would any of you hold that out of your YM that strongly ?, in a way I suspect that the reason she doesn't let me know of her age, might be that she's afraid of loosing me if I come to know that, despite my reassurances of that not happening

Any suggestions on how to approach what is for some such a delicate matter, is highly appreciated. Thank you

I've never understood a person's wanting to hide their true age.

I don't have anything else to say. I don't really understand it. I not only told my YM my age (and everyone else), but I have had a habit all my life of feeling and then telling my age as one year higher beginning about 7 months or so before my birthday. (In other words, my birthday is in July. I'll be 47 in July, but round about January, even though I'm 46, I started saying I'm 47.):confused:

Clearly, if she wanted to tell you her age, she would have done so by now.

If you are living in the United States, and you really want to know her age, I can tell you her age....it's easily available believe it or not, in about one minute. Just PM me.

The question you have to ask yourself is: is it really going to make a difference? If it doesn't, then why bother? If it might, are you ready to handle it?

I can tell you that people sometimes guess me a full 15 years younger than I am. Most people think I'm 10 years younger than I am. If I started dating a guy who thought I was in my early 40's instead of my mid-50's, it might be a real problem!!

The question you have to ask yourself is: is it really going to make a difference? If it doesn't, then why bother?

The issue isn't age, it's the secrecy. A long-term relationship should not have rooms with locked doors. When I was dating the woman in Arizona, she would not tell me her age. I didn't care how old she was, but I didn't like her keeping it secret. (It's kind of like government affairs--it's not an elected official's error that riles the public, it's the cover-up.) I eventually learned her age, but not from her. Her birthdate was lying in plain view on the kitchen counter, on some kind of document. Did learning her real age--much higher than I thought--give me pause? Not at all.

I agree. The age wouldnt bother me, the cover-up would.

I dont get it. Age is age... a number!

There are women Dave, who never reveal their age to ANYONE. In a way, it might be considered personal. I never told my boyfriend my weight. He asked me once, and I told him it was none of his business. I think age might be considered in this same catagory if one is not in the business of propogating the species.

I must say, as I get older, I'm less inclined to reveal my age. I certainly wouldn't hold it back in an intimate relationship of the length of the posters, but I wouldn't necessarily tell someone my age for no reason anymore either.
I would never tell an employer my age either, for obvious reasons. Most people I've worked for have assumed I was younger than I am, and that worked to my advantage.

I agree. The age wouldnt bother me, the cover-up would.

I dont get it. Age is age... a number!

I get what you're saying, but conversely, if that's so true, why do we need to know? eh?

LOL Kat!!!

I get what you're saying, but conversely, if that's so true, why do we need to know? eh?

Well, i certainly wouldnt go around telling just ANYone that asked LOL...

But if i was in a loving relationship for YEARS?? Hell yes, he would know if he wanted to, especially.

This is an interestingly funny situation, but I can understand your frustration also.

Have you ever not seen her drivers license>??? I mean you can also take an educated guess right?

I don't know what i would do, accept to just let her breath...she will disclose in time....don't force it out of her any longer.

Do you both live together? If so, then she has no secrets to hide from you.
If you don't live together, do you visit and sleep over anytime?

reason I am asking, is because i wonder if she is hiding other bigger things.:confused:



Attractive31

I can tell you that people sometimes guess me a full 15 years younger than I am. Most people think I'm 10 years younger than I am. If I started dating a guy who thought I was in my early 40's instead of my mid-50's, it might be a real problem!!

I have the same problem. People think that I'm 10 years younger than I really am. I don't hold back my age though.

I would feel uncomfortable being in a long term relationship with someone and not knowing the date of birth. I feel the same as the other person who said that they would wonder what else the person was trying to hide.

Thank you for your feedback and opinions on this matter, I must say I'm quite impressed at the number of replies in such a short time, considering the topic we are discussing here.

To answer a few of your questions, my OW and I live in Europe (both european as well although from different countries), don't live together, but I do stay overnight at her place during weekends (we live apart from each other about 1,5h drive, and none has a car).

I won't go through her personal documents as I feel that even in a long relationship (ok, not that long yet, but certainly longer than any of us 2 ever thought), it would be a breach of trust, to do such a thing.

As I said in my first post, it's not like it's really a issue for me her age, however I do suspect she might feel insecure as to it, and might even think that by reveling her age to me, I may leave her.

So maybe I'm tackling all this in the wrong way, for you ladies out there that could/would have been in a similar situation of not telling your age to your YM, what do you think is the better way to handle this situation ? :)

Thanks for the replies in advance.

Weekend relationships are tough enough...I am living one myself, because I work nights for now, and she works regular 9-5PM...so we practically spend the weekends making love like the first time, like we are never going to see eachother again...surd of like IF I was joining the army...long lasting love making MMMM yes.

i advice you enjoy your woman and make her feel secure in all aspects. TO ME, it sounds as though you both have something magical on the go. Enjoy my friend!!! Enjoy the love between you both.


Sorry I could not supply you with a logical way of handling this small issue, but i don't believe it is something dramatic anyway;)



Attractive31

OK, how about this......tell her how you feel.
Maybe explain it to her as a trust issue and a way of getting closer by not having secrets.
Talk about someone attractive to you that you know, or someone famous, whom you KNOW is older than she is and go on about how much you admire that person.
Is this a cultural thing with her not to share her age or is it really a lack of trust in your relationship? If so, why do you suppose this is? I know for me that if I thought my man would leave me b/c of something that I cannot change, I wouldn't be involved with him anyway.......too mentally difficult. But, in your case, maybe the best thing to do is show her through your words and actions and confront it head on and let the chips fall where they may. Again, for me, I wouldn't want to base my future on someone who didn't trust me completely either.
Blessings, Jodey

Perhaps this is a dumb question, but have you actually point black asked her how old she is and she has told you she doesn't want to tell you? Or is it that she has never volunteered the information and you are hoping she tells you?

If you did ask her directly, what did you say exactly and how did she reply? How did the conversation go?

The tendency these days is to take certain behaviours and quickly label them... unhealthy, dishonest, whatever. I think it's very easy to take the fact that the OP's lady doesn't want to tell her age and label it somehow... she's being dishonest, deceptive, whatever. And many people will tell you that if she's dishonest in one aspect of her life, she'll be dishonest in other aspects.

But maybe it's okay to make a decision not to tell her age. Beyond the whole childbearing issue, it really doesn't matter much, does it?

OP, what have you told her in terms of how not knowing makes you feel?

I never told my boyfriend my weight. He asked me once, and I told him it was none of his business. I think age might be considered in this same catagory if one is not in the business of propogating the species.


Absolutely, 100% agree with Kat. I personally think that telling someone my age is exactly like telling someone my weight....I NEVER volunteer either:no: Why should I? I went to get a flu shot in November, and needed to present my driver's license to the male technician. He looked at my birthdate, laughed, asked me to verify it, and then said, "You're kidding, right?"
I was at the doctor's in January for my annual female exam (the only time I am weighed each year, and only because it's required:witsend: ). I usually feel defeated when I hear the number, so I always ask the nurse not to say it outloud, and I look away while they adjust that square metal lug on the top of the demon-scale! This year, the nurse said,"I know you don't want to hear how much you weigh, but let me just say, you hide it well.." (gee, thanks?)

My point is if everyone thinks I'm younger and skinnier, why in the heck would I want to burst their bubble (or mine???).

I kept asking Jake when we first met if he wanted to know how old I really was, since he had been guessing about 34-35 (I was almost 48)...he kept saying, "Does it really matter?", to which I responded happily, "no:) " and let it go at that, glad to be let off the hook. A week later, I was changing in the other room while he waited for me in the living room. When I walked out I found him looking at my high school yearbook I kept on the shelf near the couch.:aaaaaaack: All he said was, "Nice hair style you had in 1974...", he stood up, grabbed me and proceeded to kiss me all over my face taunting me with a little sing-song jingle:" You're the same age as my da-ad...you're the same age as my da-ad." Darn it.

Age, weight = non issues...don't ask, don't tell.

If you are in a long term relationship where legal issues, contracts, licenses etc., require that you know each other's age, then it's relevant. I still don't think I would EVER reveal my weight to Jake...it has nothing to do with dishonesty and everything to do with supporting a grand illusion!

I guess I don't really see the big deal here either, but I do look at this the same way ROSEBUD does... if directly asked, one should give a direct answer. I'm not embarassed by my age or my weight (though I know I should be by my weight lol... though since I'm working so hard on it... I'll let myself off the hook on that one too). Devon knows all my numbers.

I have a friend who rather be poked with branding irons than revealing her age. It is an "old school" thing for women not to reveal their age. I suggest that you tell her that since she wont tell you her age, you will assume she is 85 (or another ridiculously impossible age) and give her a loving happy 85th birthday card. Make it a joke and forget about it. It really does not matter.

You know what I think is funny? How men have no clue about women's weights. Most guys I know always seem so shocked when I tell them how much I weigh (I'm about 135). They are always like, "Oh, I thought you were around 110". I've had a few guys say this recently! And I ask why they think 110 and they don't seem to know. I think it may have something to do with other women lying about their weight, claiming to be 110 when they are actually more. I'm 5'7"... if I weighed 110 I'd look pretty disgusting (like someone literally dying of starvation).

Okay, hijack over.

I'll tell you what would bother me (as a YM), after 2 years of being together and her still not telling you her age... I would be thinking "what is it about me that makes her not want to reveal it". If I hadn't been told her age after 2 years then I would be more than slightly miffed about it. It reflects on how much she trusts me to tell me.

If it's no big deal, then why not reveal it? It's being made a big deal by not doing so.

I'll tell you what would bother me (as a YM), after 2 years of being together and her still not telling you her age... I would be thinking "what is it about me that makes her not want to reveal it". If I hadn't been told her age after 2 years then I would be more than slightly miffed about it. It reflects on how much she trusts me to tell me.

If it's no big deal, then why not reveal it? It's being made a big deal by not doing so.

Ditto! Like I wrote earlier, it's not the age that's the issue, it's the keeping it secret that's the issue.

Dave (37 years old, 5 feet 5 inches tall, 150 pounds):)

By "non issue" I mean, why should it matter to the guy or anyone else? (it already matters enough to us women, and traditionally a bit more so after the 45 mark).

I totally agree with the others though that after 2 years of an established relationship, especially if it's headed toward long term...it's probably time to fess up. I personally would feel gulity not letting my guy know after 2 years. Your lady may feel a bit of that guilt now, undir, and it's perpetuating the secrecy. Don't take it as a mark against her character...she's probably afraid at this point since it's been such a big deal to avoid it for so long.

I love Sheila's idea....85, that's great, HA! If you approach it with humor, maybe she'll lighten up a bit about telling it sooner?

My main MO of secrecy involves outsiders...you know, the nosey people who truly don't matter. When asked my age off hand, I reply, "How old do you think I am?" Whether they reply 30 or 80, I say, "That's close." and leave it at that.

When someone irrelevant asks how big our age gap is, I now say, " A little bigger than Ashton and Demi, but smaller than Michael Douglas and Katherine Zeta-Jones". Unimportant people only deserve a ballpark and a response that hopefully shows that AGR's are both ow/ym and om/yw, and valid in any regard. I use celebrities only because no one KNOWS you guys (my TRUE role models of AGR's):yes: .

I'll tell you what would bother me (as a YM), after 2 years of being together and her still not telling you her age... I would be thinking "what is it about me that makes her not want to reveal it". If I hadn't been told her age after 2 years then I would be more than slightly miffed about it. It reflects on how much she trusts me to tell me.

If it's no big deal, then why not reveal it? It's being made a big deal by not doing so.

Thank you! thats the way i would feel also.

I have a friend who rather be poked with branding irons than revealing her age. It is an "old school" thing for women not to reveal their age. I suggest that you tell her that since she wont tell you her age, you will assume she is 85 (or another ridiculously impossible age) and give her a loving happy 85th birthday card. Make it a joke and forget about it. It really does not matter.

Hehehehe... I like that idea :)

I have a friend who rather be poked with branding irons than revealing her age. It is an "old school" thing for women not to reveal their age. I suggest that you tell her that since she wont tell you her age, you will assume she is 85 (or another ridiculously impossible age) and give her a loving happy 85th birthday card. Make it a joke and forget about it. It really does not matter.

I must say I loved the idea has well (and had quite a laugh too) :bgrin2: , maybe it is a good idea to use some humor to the thing, a nice approach indeed, will give it a try.

Special K, about age gap in Europe, until now we haven't experienced any remarks about it, perhaps most people we've known are more open minded to the idea of YM-OW relationships (a bit like Brazil, that has now a long tradition in that sense), but I did loved also your description of age gap to irrelevant people :yes:

Off-topic: Funny thing is, that my best friend (female) is like me also on a age gap relationship, however her OM has told her is age (not really of a issue to guys afaik)

I have had to deal with a woman that didnt want to tell me her age, but it was because she was affraid that I wouldnt like her anymore.. You have to assure her that things wont change..

Seems to me that at two years, it's really past the point of keeping secrets to seem mysterious. Trust is based on being forthcoming about who you are. Sure your age and weight aren't the sum total of your existence, but they're part of what makes you you and they don't have any place missing from one of the most intimate relationships in your life.

I can't imagine not getting a straight answer to this question (and most other questions for that matter) after spending years of my life in relationship with someone. It would make me feel like I was a bar pickup - instead of a real part of someone else's life.

That said, I would guess that if she felt comfortable telling you that she most likely would have done so. It takes rather a lot of effort not to casually mention your age in two years of conversation - heck, I probably mention it about once a week.

So my guess would be that you'll have to ask - and assure her that there's no answer she could give that would change ANYTHING (and make sure that's true in your own heart - or you may regret asking) and express that feeling trusted with basic facts is important to you and that it doesn't feel so good not to know something so basic about the person you've been with for two years.

And then see what she says ....