Contemplating long distance relationship

I never before thought I'd get involved with someone long distance but it's looking like a possiblity. I have never been in one & wanted to ask those who have what it's like, what are the challenges, suggestions they have, etc. We'll be in the same locale for about 3 month (he's up here in MA as a visiting prof) and then will be heading back to Texas after that. We click very much, although it is in the beginning stages. But I want to think about what a l.d. relationship would mean & having no experience...I need some help! Thanks!

It means big phone bills, lots of emails, and being insanely glad to see your SO whenever you do get together.

My bf and I live about 240 miles apart (a gap which is going to increase, as he's moving house) and see each other for about three days a month. I think it means we talk a lot more than other couples, and we're probably a lot closer for it, although it's still very possible to squabble on the phone!!!

Have a better one!

Felix

Hi
My relationship was (or is?) more than 100 miles away, but we always managed to meet several times a month.Now he has moved further, an the commutte is about three hours. Knowing this did not help things for me and made me feel more insecure about our future together. But distance is just one barrier to overcome and is not a very hard one as long as both of you see a future together and are serious about it, you'll allways find a way to meet, and those moments will be precious. It all depends what you are looking for in your life. Some of us need something more solid and stable, and will feel insecure when we don't have it. If you are one of these, talk to him about his future with you.
If there is a chance to get closer together, then go for it. If not, then look closer to home....and good luck!:)

it can work. it's stressful, but as long as there's solid trust going on to avoid potential irrational feelings and jealousy (which is easy when they're so far away and you really feel removed from their life) it can be done successfully.

i had an LD thing with the guy i married (divorced now, but that part is irrelevant here) for quite awhile, i think about 8mo before he finally moved out to live with me. that one was CO -> CA, and there wasn't a lot of visiting happening during that time since we were young and broke. lots of phone calls and talking on the net and such made it last.

my father dated a woman for at least a year from CO to NH! they met at a law conference or something they'd both travelled to. he flew out to see her every month or so (great option if you have the cash), and they also eventually moved in together and got married, and still are (and now happily live in FL, go figure).

so it can work. i've heard of others (here i think?) that have been together for upwards of 3 years LD! i think, as i said, trust is KEY. you have to be able to cope with the feeling of not being as influential in his/her life as you'd be if you were curling up next to them in bed each night. if you have a solid foundation though, i say go for it! :)

j

Long-distance relationships can work, but I think people are generally on best behavior when they actually see each other in person during those usually brief visits, and the nuances of everyday interaction take longer to surface. It's like a honeymoon all the time with very little of the ordinary ups 'n' downs.

My ex-husband and I had a two-year long-distance romance before we married. We got along very well on visits and telephone calls (before e-mail!). I wanted to live together for awhile before we got married, but he disagreed and we ended up marrying within a month of my final return to Chicago. Now, there are many reasons why things didn't work out, but I believe that had I taken more time to get to know him better "in real life," I might have made a different choice all those long years ago. Of course, hindsight is 20-20.

I guess all I'm saying is that no matter how close people can get to each other over distance, it takes daily, face-to-face interaction to really evaluate the relationship.

>>Long-distance relationships can work, but I think people are generally on best behavior when they actually see each other in person during those usually brief visits, and the nuances of everyday interaction take longer to surface.<<

Yeah, this is true. Which is why my bf and I spent a month together at his house over the Christmas holidays. Washing up... laundry... cooking... all the stuff we never did before. Oh well, we didn't kill each other, although there was a problem in that he has all *his* clothes, books, computer, etc, but I had the contents of a suitcase. Next time, he can effing well stay with me!!! ;-)

Have a better one!

Felix

If you are looking for your life partner & not just a boyfriend, then it is frustrating unless you know that one of you will be willing to move to where the other partner lives. If neither is willing to relocate, I personally would not do it. I would want someone that I could see at least weekends and build a life together. Also, it may be just me, but it is hard to completely trust that they are being on the up and up when you do not see each other very often.

Whether it works or not will depend on you two, and how much you can put into it.

I was in a LDR with a gorgeous artist, for about a year and a half. I was content with it, because I was so busy with my kids, my job, my band, and hobbies, I really didn't have more than twice a month to dedicate to a relationship anyway, and he was such a recluse I knew I could trust him.

Ours didn't work out in the end due to the kids. If I hadn't had kids, I would have moved to where he was (Indianapolis) although he said he could live here (Cincinnati). We talked about three or four times a week on the phone. I didn't have a 'puter back then, so we didn't have the advantage of e-mail.

It was a great relationship while it lasted. We had fabulous dates. Sex was always great. Seeing him every time was like a special treat. I didn't let him meet my kids until he got serious about us. He just couldn't handle kids my kids' ages. They were a bit obnoxious back then! :D Oh well, a year and a half later I met Robin, and this relationship is ten times better (plus he really CAN handle the kids) so it all turned out for the best.

Hey there,

I couldn't resist replying to your post my friend! I just think it really depends on your needs. I knew someone back in 1993 who used to work with me at this amusement park who had a bf in SC. They would call each other alot and when there is money, each would take turns visiting one another. It really depends on your needs. Just ask yourself questions before you commit to a LDR. Take your time and weight your options! If you have flexibility on your approach, then you will get an answer.

II think it can be hard. I remember I once dated someone from Flordia and it was so tough. Because all you have is a persons voice and words but it can work. The hard part is not having someones touch and having trust in them, but they can work.

the YW is with an OM and she moves to him or the YM moves to the OW...otherwise you might have problems...the reason most obviously is that the OW and the OM make more $ and are most unwilling to give up the benefits of their bigger jobs...
Hadley

Oh bullshit.

I gave up a job I loved, a really damn nice rent-controlled flat in expensive San Francisco - and I'd do it again.

(And I may have to).

Relationships are about compromise and about meeting both people's needs in give and take. If you really are in love with someone, and you're an "us" rather than an "I" - than jobs,
and houses are replaceable - soulmates are not.

Admittedly, you have to get pretty far into a relationship to know when it is right to do these things and when it isn't (less than two years just plain isn't) - but I don't beleive you give up special people for stuff - and I hope I never do believe it.

The marriage lasted 25 yrs. When I divorced, I flew to CA for a YM. The rel. lasted one week, back home I went. Then I flew to CO from VA and that budding start lasted only 4 days, then I flew off to WA state. That budding please come and stay and find a job, lasted only 7 days [couldn't find a job]. I also relocated entirely for a YM airline pilot to Charlotte, and that one lasted only one month. I stayed 4 yrs, then relocated to MD for a YM. That one fell apart after 4 yrs; now I have wised up. If a man loves a woman, no matter how old, he moves, he drives, he calls, he relocates if he is the YM. If he is the OM, he pays for her to fly to see him, he pays for her to relocate if that is what comes up. I have lived a bunch and learned a bunch in 54 yrs. You don't have to chase males that are out of state. If they adore you, they will fly in or drive in and say hi while putting themselves up in a hotel. Have had several dates like that. They will work things out so that you don't lose your cushy job. The man has to be willing to sacrifice for the female, in other words, be in such need to see her that he will drive, fly, and buy into the idea of pursuing her or it won't work. Hadley

..... I totally disagree with you. Again. :rolleyes: Life is a two way street. So is love. Burdens, like joys, are to be shared. You don't expect one to carry them all.

I agree with Moonshadow, and i think it's really situational. when i first met my ex-husabnd he lived in CA and i in CO. i was young and had no attachments or committments and neither did he. however, i have an major irrational fear of natural disasters, which CA is kind of big on, so he came to live with me here. we were married 6 years. he still lives in this state and loves it here, and has never considered it a burdon or regretted moving here to be with me even though ultimately the reason he came didn't work out.

There was a YM i dated once that didn't have the income to come visit me, so i drove out to him and he rode back with me. it didn't last, but oh well, it was an interesting trip.

Now i have children and such, and their father is heavily involved in their lives and supports them far more than he's legally obligated. i think it would be exceedingly incorrect for me to pick up and leave state (and sell my house) at this point to go chasing men of any sort - anywhere. my first obligation is to my children, and i think the contact they have with their real father, as long as he's there and giving it, and a stable home life is very important in their lives. so many fathers are deadbeats, i'm sure not going to screw over the one that actually does the right thing and take his kids away to go chasing fancy and romance. that would be simply irresponsible.

and so for the last year i've talked to a guy LD in jersey (near my age). he knows my stance, and i know his. he's been hurt and held back in life by ruined relationships that he's jetsetted off to have more than once, and now stubbornly refuses to give anything a chance that may fail in the same way and leave him hung out to dry in the process. we've both admitted there's good potential between us as individuals, but it's always come down to the same thing. "if only you lived closer, maybe." and that's where it's stuck now for a year. we're friends, we talk, but neither is willing or able to make that kind of leap, each for our own reasons, so it's just not gonna happen between us.

my point with all this rambling is that each situation is different, each person is different, and i don't think there's some standard we can throw out there as a one-size-fits-all. it sounds like Hadley jumped into a lot of stuff really fast and as such, it ended really fast. i defer to Desert Spring's note that any such venture really shouldn't be made till the relationship is pretty strong, at least a year or two or even more with as many extended visits as possible to really get to know each other first.

i don't think "guys always should... " or "the older one always should..." or any other rules apply here. i also think it has a lot to do with the couple in question and how strong the love between them is. i have to think that even the stubborn NJ guy above would haul his *** out if he was really head over heals in love, but we're not, it's just a potential thing that neither of us have ever let go very far on purpose, so the amount of fire under one's butt also has a lot to do with whether anybody should move or even if an attempt at LD should be made.

as usual, just my $.02 based on what i've seen and done from my point of view. good luck to anybody that's trying it now, and i'd certainly try again with the *right* person.


j

I met Bear on line in the spring of '99. We spent a year working it out. We were about 500s mile apart and every other month one of us came to visit the other. We went to meet family, we took each other to work and were introduced around, we went out in public and just learned that we enjoyed being together and that no one much cared about the age gap, so why should we?

LDRs are great for getting to know someone before you jump in with both feet. At first you must listen closely to make sure they aren't lying to you. Trust must be built and I'm suspicious of someone with stories that don't match up. LDRs are also expensive when you factor in travel and phone bills. Ours cost enough to buy a car, but it was worth it.

He moved here because my job is well paid and not a very common one. I would have much preferred to move to Columbus, OH, but that wasn't possible. His job was just that and he had no problems getting an even better one here. The real problem was that, at 27, he gave up everything he had ever known to move across country to be with me. He had every right to be worried. It's up to the partner who doesn't move to make the one who does comfortable and secure in their decision. Love also entails responsiblity, something that's too easy to ignore in the heat of passion.

Take it slow and find creative ways to be together such as on-line gaming and chat rooms. Above all...*have fun!* Loving someone is supposed to be fun (at least most of the time).

Keep us posted. It will be nice to see you happy and in love.

Peace,
BA