When is to much...

:) I haven't posted in along time. But about a year ago I made the move from GA. to Az to be iwth my SO. Before that I was alone and living for 61/2 years by myself. I really thought I'd stay that way forever..Long story short I met Sam and it we took it slow..After a year and half I decided to make the move to him..He has three teenage sons and up rooting them just wasn't fair..

Over the year there are have been some obstacles to work through and over. But we have come through them. Meshing two families together is always work. One thing i never realized abut my SO was how much he drank. It's gone from not just drinking beer everyday to adding a bottle whiskey along with it..I can't get into all the details here but I never realized how alcohol can play some a big factor in all the other aspects of our life. He's never physically abused me but mentally and emotionally he isn't there. He also has some health issues with very high blood pressure..He shouldn't be drinking with all the pills he takes.With the meds it has made him not even be interested in sex..That I think I could deal with but he also shows no affection to me.I've become the housekeeper and other things for him.

I've come to the conclusion I can't save him because he doesn't want to be saved. No woman is going to tell him not to drink.It's been an emotional rollar coaster for me.and right now is a pretty sad time for me. I'll have to leave my ponds and aquariums behind..I'm not sure where I'll end up yet..I'm on a disability andhave been for quite sometime..So I need to get my housing and things situated. I have a parrot I've had for 20 yrs now, a standard poodle for 6 and my pug puppy..I'd hate to have to rehome..I'm hoping things work out where i don't. I'm just venting here and heart broken..

Hi wndancer,
My heart goes out to you! I am in the very same situation. My SO drinks everyday of his life and our lives are in such turmoil. Well at least mine is. He does not see anything wrong. He is living in a dream world. I have struggled with the same problems as you as far as leaving and can not find the strength to do it. I am the only one that works, 2 jobs, by the way, and it seems like there is no end to the problem. I wish I had some answers or could give you some advice. But I can not find the strength to change things. You are not alone. I just keep praying for a better day and for God to give me the strength.

Does he ever express a desire to drink less? Does he drink primarily at home with you, or go out to bars?

Would going to the support group for people who have alcoholic partners help you to find some answers?

Well my decision is to leave.I have to say this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. To actually not have him or see him in my days will be hard..I've done alot of talking and checking on internet about alcoholics..I know now I can't save him.He has to want to save himself. The problem being he isn;'t going to stop drinking. A few times he said he would cut back. Whne he does after a couple days he becomes so sharp and snappy at people its not right. It's done to me or the kids. I don't know if I'm making a lotof sense right now..but i do still love him and I guess want to save him from his demons.

Monday was the straw that broken the camels back .. I was sleeping on a recliner in living room and he was in bed..The phone rang at !;00 am I picke dit up sametime he did not realizing..I heard a woman asking if she could come in to the house to see him. He told her no..well she told him she was right outside our house ..he said shhhhh you are? DO you see my truck? she siad yes to him and was going to honk her horn .Long story short Iwas in shock..After he hung up i went into the bedroom and asked who was on phone..He said it was one of his sons friends.:( I didn't say anything else just walked back out to the living room...sat there in disbelief..got back up and went back into the room after an hour and asked him again..he didnt tell me the truth then. i told him I could help him through anything but I couldnt stay with him for lying to me. To tell the truth is easy...to lie is much harder...He said he didn't know what I was talking about...he started yelling.........went in and got kids up and told them he was leaving with them to the grandmothers..He took the phone so I couldnt call out.I ended up driving to the truck stop to get a calling card and use my cell phone.. I kept tryinh to come up with excuses for him.maybe he didnt rememebr who was on phone after all he had drank 2-3 six packs and some whiskey..But I'm tired of making up excuses..I'm just done.I'm heart broken and feel so much like a failure..We have a nice house here.we have alot of the same interests.our ponds and my tanks .All our animals..But..it's been alot of work over this year..every month or so a crisis comes up and I just can't keep doing this emotional rollar coaster...but I do love him..But I just can't stay..

Like i said my resources are slim right now. I've ben making the plans now for 3 days. It took me over a year to get here...it will take me sometime to go..But I will be leaving..:(

If it is any comfort to you, I think you will feel better once you actually leave. You think you realize how much of your life and heart have been consumed by the situation but when you leave, you realize it is so much more than you thought. Away from the situation, you will have the calmness you need to get a little clarity, think straight, and get yourself back.

I know it will be hard but I hope you don't wait too long, or let complacency change your mind. Even if you only leave for a few days it will give you some space to think.

All breakups are not created equal...

What I mean is... you may be worried that you'll feel horrible like you did in past breakups, but sometimes you find that when you are leaving a REALLY horrible situation, your main feeling is RELIEF.

My heart goes out to you.

Winddancer...I remember you from before and your story about moving to be with your guy and his teenage sons. I was a little worried for you back then (just the magnitude that a transition like that would be for you), and now I'm just heartbroken for you and having to got through all of this. Hon, I'm so sorry, you must feel so alone right now.

But, let me say, you also sound VERY strong and resolved, so I'm just SURE you are going to make it. You didn't come here making excuses for him, covering for him, uninformed about the truth of alcholism (you've taken the time an energy to research everything and make an informed decision). You have made a hard decision, but I truly believe it is the best and right one! Your tenacity will carry you from here. You will survive, and flourish, I just believe that. You are intelligent, and mostly you seem to have great personal integrity (not willing to compromise YOUR personal emotional health and life for a liar/alcoholic, hoping against reality that it will all change, etc.)...those two qualities will take you far; your journey is not finished, you just need to look at this time as a bridge to another destination that will be grand!:yes:

Come here as often as you need for support and to vent. There is a lot of wisdom here when you need it..some great ladies and men who want to help.

I'm sorry that your relationship didn't transition from LDR to real life well. It is a sobering reminder that being in real life together for a long time first without cohabitating and entrenching your lives together is important and the only way to truly know who your partner is, wouldn't you agree? When others write that they are moving in with their online bf who is their soul mate after 9 months of chatting online, etc., I just hold my breath and HOPE it turns out well....many, if not most times it doesn't. You are not alone in that, hon, so don't blame yourself for any of this...just pick up the pieces and move on, leaving his sorry, lying a-- in your past.

Peace and hope to you from here,
Karen

Special K we had known each other years back from our horse show days..Then we met again and started talking. talking on phone/online and visits..I really thought after 61 /2 years i'd found someone with same interests as me.
To tell you the truth we do have alot of the same passions and interests..Then we have a few that are totally different. We are being peaceful and speaking when we have too. I don't hate him just the opposite.I have this sadness inside of me that at times becomes so unbearable..I still love him and only want the best for him. But i know the enviroment/friends etc he surrounds himself with....he will never give up this drinking. He had mentioned to me abut 10 weks ago he was going to cut back...his best friend rolled his eyes and said I've heard that before. At the time I siad why not move back to florida and we could get a fresh start away form everything...But we can't not with the boys and thier grandmother living two streets over. The kids are in high school and it wouldnt be fair. The drinking is all part of who he is and everything around him. His best friend and others are party people and heavy to alcholoics...Kids grandfather was an alcoholic...a functioning excutive.He died two months ago and I've noticed things got worse with my SO..

I'm not going to ring my own bell.But I turned this house into a home..His words to me awhile back..I've given the boys something they havent ever had..I've grown to really care for them. Not to mention our turtle rescue nnd all our other things we have..I had to keep repeating myself but my heart just aches..I did speak to him briefly and told him i may need him to drive me back to wherever I go..I can't do this alone..Then I went into my room and cried..I just want to shake him and tell him to wake up and not throw all this away..

Gosh...I'm so sorry.

Although I know you've had enough, but just wanted to ask, it seems you're making all the decisions here. What does he have to say about the whole situation. I mean cutting back is great but if your don't have a great support system in place, its not going to work.

Have you talked this over with him? Is he willing to go to counseling, some support group. Have you given him a timeframe in which he can shape up or you're gone. I can't imagine he wants to be alone anymore than you do, he just doesn't know how to express himself. There's alot of pain behind someone who drinks, although you can't help him with that, you can paint him a picture of what is in store for him if he doesnt' shape up and be as brutal as you have to be.

Hopefully he realizes what he's losing...but who knows. My prayers are with you.

Paris

Winddancer, I agree that the problem here is the alcohol/addiction and not the man. And I agree that the unless he wants to change, your only reasonable option is to leave him. The business with the woman and the truck and the lying is all just a symptom of his alcoholism. It didn't sound like anything too serious...sounded like he was annoyed by her intrusion. You're a smart lady. Get yourself out of there and don't second guess yourself. The man you love is not this alcoholic.

"Cutting Back" virtually never works for someone with a drinking problem. A while back (sorry I don't have the dates), a woman who had a drinking problem went into the ultimate denial about her alcoholism. I forget her name too, sorry...but she went national for a few years, got tons of publicity, for her new organization which stated that alcoholics could "cut back" and do fine. The had chapter meetings all over the country, national conventions, she wrote a book and was the "poster child" of the organization and proof that anyone could just cut back:( .

Just last year (I think) she was arrested for DUI, driving against traffic, and hitting another vehicle and killing someone....DENIAL is sooooooo sad. She admits now (from prison) that she had NOT been able to ever cut back and control her drinking, but secretly continued even as she ran meetings, etc. for her organization.

Good decision, albeit a really hard one, to leave, wind....it's time....

winddancer... i remember you, and your talking of moving there and the anticipation. i'm sorry it didn't work out...but that has nothing to do with you. he is not the person you were lead to believe. as special K said... and as you know...its time...

Wow.:( I know this must be so hard. Thinking of you and believing you will have strength to get through this.

Winddancer its really hard when someone you love buries that "someone" in addiction and turns into someone else....my exYM was addicted to pot, ecstacy, etc and I didn't realize he did any more than use recreationally....

its only now a year later that I can see exactly when he turned it into an addiction and how when he was in that addiction he didn't care about anyone but himself....and tried to destroy my self esteem and bring it down to his level....which I didn't want to go to....

you are a very strong woman capacble of much love by the sounds of it....you deserve to be someone's special person, not thier whipping post they can cheat on and emotionally abuse.....

the addiction is for him to deal with, you can't help him....seriously just acknowledge it to him and let it go....anything else you do will make you feel worse....I would call him on the late night phone call and name it for what it is ....cheating whether he remembers it or not.....and then let it go....

you will walk away from this because there is not much else you can do....know that you gave those boys a lot of love and security and a home, and they will return it to you, stay in touch with them because they will need you, even if you're not living with them.....

wishing you blessings and speed on your journey