new guy needs ur advice

HELLO ALL,

THIS IS MY FIRST POST SO BEAR WITH ME. ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AGO I STARTED WORKING IN A DELICATESAN AT A LOCAL SUPERMARKET. THERE I MET A WOMAN WHO WAS 31 YEARS OLD. AT FIRST I WAS SO ATTRACTED TO HER THAT I COULDNT STOMACH THE COURAGE TO TALK TO HER, BUT AFTER A WHILE I STARTED TO GET TO KNOW HER BETTER AND SHE STARTED TO GET TO KNOW ME BETTER.

SHE STARTED TO ASK ME ABOUT MY PAST RELATIONSHIPS AND I TOLD HER I HADNT REALLY HAD A REAL ONE AS I AM A 20 YEAR OLD VIRGIN( YES WE DO EXIST). AS MOST PEOPLE, SHE DIDNT BELIEVE ME AT FIRST, BUT AS WE GOT CLOSER SHE STARTED ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I MIGHT BE. ALL MY LIFE I HAVE BEEN VERY SHY TOWARDS GIRLS, ALMOST AFRAID OF THEM FOR THE FACT THAT EVERY GIRL I HAD EVER HAD FEELINGS FOR REJECTED ME, SO I WOULD WAIT FOR A GIRL TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE ON ME. HOWEVER EVERY GIRL THAT APPROACHED ME EITHER I DIDNT FIND THEM ATTRACTIVE OR I DIDNT LIKE THEIR PERSONALITY. WELL, LET ME TELL YOU, I FELT SO COMFORTABLE WITH THIS WOMAN I DECIDED TO KISS HER ONE DAY. THIS TOTALLY NOT MY STYLE BUT I KNEW SHE LIKED ME. WE STARTED SEEING EACH OTHER AND THINGS WERE GOING GREAT UNTIL ONE DAY SHE TOLD ME WE SHOULDNT SEE EACH OTHER. I ASKED HER WHY AND SHE TOLD ME IT WAS BECAUSE OF THE AGE DIFFERENCE:( :mad: . SHE SAID SHE FELT UNCOMFORTABLE BEING SEEN WITH ME BUT SHE STILL WANTED TO BE FRIENDS. NORMALLY I WOULDNT GIVE HER THE TIME OF DAY ANYMORE BUT MY FEELINGS FOR HER WERE SO STONG THAT IT JUST MADE MEWANT HER MORE. SHEIS THE BEST PERSON I HAVE EVER MET. SO IPERSISTED, NOT TO THE EXTENT THAT I WOULD TRY TO PUSH HER TO BE MY GIRL BUT THAT I WOULD BE THERE IF SHE EVERY NEEDED ME.
.

AS TIME PASSED I STARTED TO THINK OF HER AS MY BEST FRIEND AND SHE THOUGHT OF ME AS THE SAME. BUT SHE ALSO TOLD ME OTHER THINGS LIKE SHE FELT I WAS HER SOULMATE AND DREAMS SHE HAD OF ME AND HER LIVING TOGETHER WITH A CHILD(SHE HAS TWO OF HER OWN, WHOSE FATHER SHE CANT STAND). SHE TELLS ME IM THE PERFECT GUY FOR HER IN THAT WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON AND I DONT THINK OF HER AS A PIECE OF MEAT. SO I TRY TO MAKE A MOVE AND SHE SHUTS ME DOWN SAYING THAT IT WOULD NEVER WORK OUT AND I WOULD HURT HER. BUT WHAT I DONT UDERSTAND IS WHY DOES SHE TELL ME THESE THINGS TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD AN THEN SHE TELLS ME THESE THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL BAD. SO WHAT IM ASKING IS DO YOU THINK I SHOULD KEEP AT IT OR TRY TO MOVE ON TO SOMEONE ELSE HOWEVER DIFFICULT IT MAY BE?


THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR LISTENING
YOUR ADVICE WILL BE VERY MUCH APPRECIATED

It sounds to me as if she's trying to save herself from the pain of rejection she'd feel if she has a relationship with you and you changed your mind about it later. Most older women have this concern. We can't understand how this young guy could want us, and we think he's just too young or inexperienced to be capable of staying with it, or weathering all the changes a relationship goes through.
It may be that her heart says, "I want to be with this guy" and her mind steps in and says, "Don't do it, you'll get hurt!" So she goes back and forth.
You need to talk to her, give her time to work through her fears... find out if she really feels the same way you do...
And maybe send her here to see that others are succeeding in this kind of relationship.
My man was a virgin when we met too. He was older than you. It's not that unusual these days. :) He had a few opportunities to have sex and didn't take them because he wanted it to mean something when it happened.

Good luck.
~Val

innocent boy,

i don't have much to tell you in terms of advice, since i've never been in the situation yet :( however, i can tell you that you sound like a really sweet, sincere, and loving guy ~ that's rare these days. i think val gave you the best advice ~ see if you can get some open and honest communication going between the two of you and just keep doing what you are doing.

good luck, hon.
>^..^<

THANKS SHERWOODSPIRIT AND KITTYKAT YOU ARE THE FIRST PEOPLE TO GIVE ME POSITIVE FEEDBACK.....WHEN I TOLD MY SISTER IN LAW ABOUT MY SITUATION SHE TOLD ME "WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?, YOUR TOOOOOOOOOOO YOUNG TO BE INTERESTED IN THIS WOMAN." COME TO THINK OF IT MOST WOMEN I TOLD SAID THE SAME EXACT THING. NOT TOO HELPFUL HUH? WELL ILL KEEP AT BEING THE BEST FRIEND SHE HAS, NOT BECAUSE I HAVE TOO BUT BECAUSE SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND AND I DONT WANT THAT TO CHANGE.

Hi innocent-boy

I agree with the ladies that ow have a fear of being rejected or hurt by a ym (it is because we feel that eventually, you will want to have all of the experiences we've already had and you will move on to those experiences without us). However, that should not give your lady friend the right to hurt you now. It seems to me that she's already made it clear to you that she doesn't want a relationship, regardless of the fact that she tells you you're soulmates and that she cares about you. After all of this time, I think you need to be weary of her real intentions. I have a feeling that, although she cares about you and even may love you, she is more concerned with what others think and what she's feeling. I don't think, after all that you have done to make her understand your feelings, that she has a right to be "stinging you along". It's time for her to make up her mind. If she can't make a commitment to you, I think its time for you to move on. I'm sure that there are many women who would appreciate you enough to make the kind of commitment you obviously would like to have. Good luck

You sound very sweet and you are being considerate of this woman by listening to her and letting her express her doubts. I think that you should just be patient, see her not too often, but regularly and that way she will see that you don't just want a wild weekend with an OW because you are curious. Also, give her the address of this website so that she can come here and read about our relationships and meet us and she will see that OW/YM relationships are becoming more and more common.

LET ME ASK YOU LADIES SOMETHING........WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO GIVE YOUR BEUX A CHANCE. WAS IT SOMETHING HE SAID OR WAS IT SOMETHING INSIDE OF YOU?

Believe me when I tell you this.......it will come to pass meaning that eventualy a little at a time she will accept it, seeing she's sharing feelings with you etc.......SOCIETY SUCKS AT THIS TIME.......SLOWLY BUT NOT SURLEYEY...has society accepted older woman with younger men.......get her somehow to come chat to some of the ppl here read posts etc......make some friends...some MORAL support.......you may even deleat your post so she cant see it when you know she's comming to see this PLACE........and I know Hun Vergins do still exsist...my hunny was one.......*point made...was one...laughs.....................good luck and hang in there she feels for you.

THANKS EVERYONE....BUT IF I TELL HER TO VISIT THIS FORUM WONT I SEEM TOO HUNG UP ON HER(NO PUN INTENDED) EVEN THOUGH I AM. I DONT WANT TO COME OFF LIKE IM TRYING TO FORCE HER. OR THAT IM JUST A KID WHO ISNT THINKING RATIONALLY. SHE TOLD ME NOT TO LET HER COME IN THE WAY OF ME MEETING OTHER PEOPLE, AND I HAVENT.BUT ALL I THINK ABOUT IS HER EVEN WHEN IM WITH OTHER GIRLS. IVE SAID THIS BEFORE BUT SHES THE BEST PERSON I HAVE EVER MET . SINCE IVE MET HER IVE BECOME MORE OPEN ABOUT MY FEELINGS, NOT JUST WITH HER BUT WITH EVERYONE ESPECIALLY MY PARENTS WHO I USED TO PUSH AWAY. IVE BECOME MORE CONCIDERATE OF MY MOTHERS FEELINGS. WITH NO PROBLEM I WATCH THE LIFETIME CHANNEL WITH HER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

THANKS EVERYONE. KEEP THE COMMENTS ROLLING. IT FEELS GOOD TO TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT THIS

OH SO YOUNG AND CONFUSED

No, I don't think that you will seem too hung up on her if you send her here. She is the one who brought up the age difference as being a problem. You are just referring her to a site where she can get information. I think that is mature of you to offer her a chance to educate herself about the issue. Like Midnight said, you can delete your posts so that she won't see them.

Here's some version of what you can tell her:


Sure I could date other people. It's hard, but I'd manage it. But other people aren't my best friend in the world. I don't feel safe with them, I don't feel comfortable and happy like I do with you. Those feelings matter to me and that's what I want to experience in my relationship. And I'm willing to wait for someone who makes me feel this way - and that person is you.

I know that I'm really young. I know that I don't have anywhere near the experience that you do. I have alot to learn. I'm not sure that I can promise my heart to you for the rest of my life yet. I'm not sure that I will always know the right thing to do about some problem or another. I don't know who I'm going to be in 5 or 10 years.

But I do know that what you and I have as friends is special to me. More special than any other woman has ever been. And it feels crazy to me to just ignore that like special grows on trees
and you can just find it any old place. That's not true. It's very rare and very precious.

I don't want to just throw it away like it doesn't matter. I hope you don't too. Isn't there some way that we could see each other - slowly and taking our time - in a way that won't embarrass you - and explore some of these feelings?

Because I could love you and you're the only woman I feel that way about.





And if she still says no - then she simply isn't up for it and you have to look elsewhere.

Good luck!

Innocent_boy:

I am 30 and my ym is 20. I had these doubts too... but I had to take a chance because I was so in love with him. So far so good... it's only been a few months, but it is so far the best first few months I have ever had! Anyway, if she's able to open her heart to you, it will happen... but it doesn't sound too promising, right now, unfortunately. I don't mean to be discouraging, but it sounds like she may be stringing you along a little. I'm sorry if that seems harsh.

I was also really worried what others thought, but that didn't stop me, so I don't think it should stop her. I also feel that at 20, a guy is only slightly more likely to end a relationship due to "immaturity" or whatever than a 30 y/o... what I mean is, in my experience, guys who go for older women tend to be more mature than their contemporaries.

Stay friends with her, as long as it doesn't hurt you. Maybe she will come around, if it was meant to be. :)

WOW....THOSE THOUGHTS WERE GREAT... I THINK I LOVE YOU.... WILL YOU MARRY ME:D LOL.....ANYWAY, I THINK IM GOING TO TAKE YOUR IDEAS AND PUT MY OWN VERY PERSONAL SPIN ON IT, OR ILL PROBABLY COME UP WITH SOMETHING ORIGINAL, SOMETHING THAT I CAME UP WITH THAT SAYS MORE THAN "I JUST WANNA BE WITH YOU"

GRAZIE A TUTTI
(THANKS TO ALL)

That's the spirit! Keep it going. The first YM that won my heart just sort of took charge & said he would not take no for answer that he was coming over & whether he did dishes or took me out to dinner he wanted to be with me. He really put on a brave front. It was only many years later that I found out how nervous (but determined) he was.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT YM OF YOURS YELLOWROSE. DID HE HURT YOU OR DID YOU HURT HIM OR WAS IT A MUTUAL BREAKUP