New here...feeling sad...sorry long

I'm new to this website, but glad I found it. It's so nice to read that others are experiencing the same things I am.

My hubby and I have been married for 3 months. I'm 35 he's 20. Like someone said, old soul in young body! ;) Our dating relationship was wonderful. Because I've been married before, I felt we had discussed, compromised and agreed on all the important issues. Communication was never a problem before, but now... We even went to premarital counseling to make sure we had all our ducks in a row. She was very impressed at how prepared we were, now I wonder.

I broke my ankle on our honeymoon. Yes, I know.... snowmobiling accident. I'm a nursing student, so this put a crimp in my school progress and has set me back a semester. Lots of stress. I even went into a depression. Try taking a very active woman and tell her to sit still for 2 months...not good! He didn't understand. Thought I could snap out of it whenever I wanted, like I had a choice. I did get help and I'm much better, but the hurt he caused with his apathy still lingers.

He's an airline pilot and a good looking one at that. He's also a voracious flirt. It was funny at first, but when women started coming onto him (severely), giving him their phone #'s and he just laughed it off. I told him how much it bothered me and asked him to stop. Apparently he didn't cuz he brought home a note from a flight attendant that had her # and a proposition on it. He expected me to laugh it off, but I went bolistic. I confronted her and she claims she didn't know he was married. He claims he told her at least 3 times that he was. Don't know who to believe. My trust in him has been destroyed and he doesn't understand why.

He's always been a romantic. Now it seems no matter what he does for me it's not enough. For those of you who have read "The five love languages" my love tank is always on empty. We went to Vegas last week to have a second honeymoon and to get back on track. I thought we had, but now I'm miserable again.

We have been very lucky with regards to family and friends. Everyone has been very loving and supportive. I took that as a sign from God that we were doing the right thing by being together. Now I wonder if we've made a huge mistake.

I know there's a certain element of change after the rings go on the fingers, but this was not what I expected. Everything has changed and not for the good. The love, understanding and communication we once had is gone. I feel the only time I get attention from him is during sex, now I don't want that anymore. When we have "meaningful" converstations, all he talks about is his job or the Spurs.

I feel an intense amount of pressure to look young, be young and feel young. To look hot and sexy. To be appealing to him. I'm so afraid he'll stray, especially since his job lends the opportunities.

I want this marriage to work, but don't know what else to do. We've tried going back to that counselor (it's free thru my school), but somehow something always comes up.

Any insight?

Hello Sassy:

I have been told (and experienced) that the first year of a marriage is the worst! So knowing that, think that as time goes on, you will be able to feel better. In other words, it may get worse before it gets better, so if you hang on, you will reach the better part.

How did you handle his flirtatiousness when you were not married? If he is still a romantic, respond in kind, because if you dont, after a while he will quit trying.

I wish you the best solution for your current situation.

Well if you deal from a position of weakness, you have no strength. You come across as kind of insecure and men can sense that like nothing else, in my experience. It never works for you, always against you.

You need to fill your own pot up and stop relying on him to do it for you. Sex is the road to intimacy in many relationships, so use those times to be close to one another.

How did he get to be an "airline pilot" at 20? Rather young, isn't he?

He became a pilot thru sheer hard work and determination. That's who he is. He's the youngest pilot in his company.

I've only felt this insecure since all this crap happened. Before that I was very secure with myself and in our relationship. I am making efforts to fill my own pot: going out with the girls, going to school, looking for a church where I can do my singing. I've only just been allowed to walk, so getting out was not always easy.

My hubby was not always aware of his flirtiness or that fact that other women were coming onto him. He's very naive in that regard. He focused solely on his flying and not on girls. I point out to him what is really happening in these situations and that his behavior is inappropriate considering he's in an exclusive relationship. He would always laugh it off,until now.

Thanks for your reponses. You've reminded me of things to think about.

I knew about the first year being rough. It was with my ex but I thought that's cuz he was a jerk. I didn't know it could be tough with a prince charming! Haha!

Well if you deal from a position of weakness, you have no strength. You come across as kind of insecure and men can sense that like nothing else, in my experience. It never works for you, always against you.

You need to fill your own pot up and stop relying on him to do it for you. Sex is the road to intimacy in many relationships, so use those times to be close to one another.

How did he get to be an "airline pilot" at 20? Rather young, isn't he?

Bubbleee~

I think you're being a bit unfair to Sassynurse by sayng that she's dealing from a position of weakness. She broke her ankle, her husband wasn't very empathic, and now he's flirting with other women. That would make even very secure woman doubt herself and her relationship.

I also think it's unfair to jump to the conclusion that SN's "pot" isn't full. She's in nursing school and says she's an active person...it doesn't sound like she sits around in bed eating bon-bons all day (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Also, Bubbleee, I'm not picking on you but I also have to take issue with the "sex is the road to intimacy in many relationships..." It's kind of hard to be intimate and close with someone who is not empathic and appears to think nothing of flirting with other women. Trust is also the road to intimacy in relationships and it sounds like trust has been broken in this one. I think it's too easy to make this the woman's fault.

Yes, the first year (and sometimes years) of marriage are hard. Something shifts in the minds of many men (and women) when that ring goes on...usually having to do with their family of origin and all the baggage that goes with that. Sassynurse, I'd drag your husband's heiney to that counselor and get things straightened out ASAP.

That's my 2 cents.

SassyN and Sophie,

Didn't mean to be harsh, I just tend to be direct. It is my best and worst quality, lol. Sorry if I came off that way.

Love just doesn't go away after three months. He married the sassy nurse because he loves her. They went to Vegas to rekindle romance and it only worked for awhile. SassyN readily admits to having a "love tank that is always on empty". Is he really prepared to keep it filled as much as you need it? Would any guy be?

He's a young guy. He's an airline pilot at the age of 20. That's pretty heady stuff for a young man. He's flirtateous because he's full of himself. Young people can be that way when they have accomplishments beyond their years. Has your trust in him really been "destroyed" as you say? Does he feel and hear that from you?

I think she needs to cut herself and him some slack. Is he not empathetic but there when she needs him to be? He has alot of growing to do, regardless of his accomplishments in life and when someone has so much growing to do there will be bumps in the road. Getting off to this rough start with breaking your ankle made things more difficult, of course.

If he won't go to counseling, go yourself if you feel it can help you. I think you two can pick up where you left off if cool heads prevail.

Good luck.

Yes we did get off to a very rough start. yes he's willing to go to counseling, but schedules keep conflicting. he's gone 4 days a week. When he's home there's so much other stuff to do it seems we run out of time and then he's off flying again. We just need to make time.

I have made all my feelings, good and bad, known to him. He's knows my trust in him is in the toilet (my ex did the same thing to me, my new hubby knows this is a sore spot, in my opinion he should have done everything to keep this from occuring, but he didn't, therefore I'm hurt). He knows I'm struggling with all of this. I asked him why he flirts (he even does it in front of me, no less). Does he get a charge out of it? He says no, he's just being friendly. I explained the difference between friendly and flirtatious and how other people can take that (especially lonely flight attendants).

No, bubblee, he was not empathetic nor was he there for me when I needed him. Even when he was home, he wasn't home. He was out playing basketball or playing computer games while I hopped around on one foot cooking and cleaning. I usually sat on the couch and watched TV alone. And yes I sat around and ate bon bons for 2 months!! It was torture!! Thats not who I am. Needless to say I set him straight in this regard. It's gotten a bit better. But like I said, it doesn't seem to be enough.

I guess what's so confusing for me is that he was NOT this way before we got married. he hates change so I didn't expect him to change, but he did. I'm trying to roll with the punches, but it's not easy.

According to the book, the love tank is something only the signficant other can and should fill in order to let the other person know they are loved. It's done by speaking that person's primary love language. Mine is quality time. As you can see, we weren't spending much time together, much less quality time. Read the book, it's really eye opening. At least it was for me. Ironically, his is physical touch!:ohthedrama:

Thanks again to all of you. You've really helped me process some things. He comes home tomorrow, so I really needed to clear my head.:thanks:

Personally, I don't blame you for being upset about his lack of attention with your broken ankle, and I hate to say this, but it's probably a function of his being male and young. They don't have much empathy for suffering at that age because they've never experienced it. (I had neck surgery and my 25 yr old b/f essentially abandoned me...I never got over that.)

But in those situations, you can't be a martyr and not ask for help either, which many nurses are...and I see you're going to be one! Again, I'm speaking from experience here...I'm a nurse. I don't do well with sick either.

I do think you're going to have to take the attitude that jealousy is a hideous trait, however, if you're going to be with this guy. If you constantly exude jealous behavior when there is no concrete evidence to be that way, eventually, you'll get evidence. When people are accused of something they're not doing, sooner or later, they figure "why not? she thinks i do already!"

I really hope you two can work through this time of struggle. It sounds as if once the chase was over for him, he reverted to some kind of behavior that is his "norm." You might have to lower your expectations a wee bit.

Good luck, and I'm glad your ankle is on the mend.

Wowowow A San Antonian...

I am so tired right now, I am going right to bed but I just wanted to give you a warm welcome to this great site.

By the way my mother has been married to my father for almost 49 years and they dated for 5 years. And she always said... El hombre de novio a marido aunque la misma persona son dos individuos diferentes... Translation... Man as boyfriend to husband even though the same person are two totally different individuals!

By the way if your guys had time to go to pre-marriage counseling, why should you have the time to go now when the problems are so severe?

Tell your husband to give you priority and keep touching him! ;)

PS I do not want to be mean but if you need a good attorney, let me know! :D

Wowowow A San Antonian...

I am so tired right now, I am going right to bed but I just wanted to give you a warm welcome to this great site.

By the way my mother has been married to my father for almost 49 years and they dated for 5 years. And she always said... El hombre de novio a marido aunque la misma persona son dos individuos diferentes... Translation... Man as boyfriend to husband even though the same person are two totally different individuals!

By the way if your guys had time to go to pre-marriage counseling, why should you have the time to go now when the problems are so severe?

Tell your husband to give you priority and keep touching him! ;)

PS I do not want to be mean but if you need a good attorney, let me know! :D


You're very funny. Thanks for making me laugh. I don't understand " if your guys had time to go to pre-marriage counseling, why should you have the time to go now when the problems are so severe?" Please explain.

Your quote from your mom was so true!!
thanks

I said I was tired... Sorry!

This is what I meant:

By the way if your guys had time to go to pre-marriage counseling, why should you NOT have the time to go now when the problems are so severe?

Thus the time must be made!

Hope you understand better what I meant! :D

I'm new to this website, but glad I found it. It's so nice to read that others are experiencing the same things I am.

My hubby and I have been married for 3 months. I'm 35 he's 20. Like someone said, old soul in young body! ;)

I broke my ankle on our honeymoon. Yes, I know.... snowmobiling accident. I'm a nursing student, so this put a crimp in my school progress and has set me back a semester. Lots of stress. I even went into a depression. Try taking a very active woman and tell her to sit still for 2 months...not good! He didn't understand. Thought I could snap out of it whenever I wanted, like I had a choice. I did get help and I'm much better, but the hurt he caused with his apathy still lingers.

He's an airline pilot and a good looking one at that. He's also a voracious flirt. It was funny at first, but when women started coming onto him (severely), giving him their phone #'s and he just laughed it off. I told him how much it bothered me and asked him to stop. Apparently he didn't cuz he brought home a note from a flight attendant that had her # and a proposition on it. He expected me to laugh it off, but I went bolistic. I confronted her and she claims she didn't know he was married. He claims he told her at least 3 times that he was. Don't know who to believe. My trust in him has been destroyed and he doesn't understand why.

He's always been a romantic. Now it seems no matter what he does for me it's not enough. For those of you who have read "The five love languages" my love tank is always on empty. We went to Vegas last week to have a second honeymoon and to get back on track. I thought we had, but now I'm miserable again.

We have been very lucky with regards to family and friends. Everyone has been very loving and supportive. I took that as a sign from God that we were doing the right thing by being together. Now I wonder if we've made a huge mistake.

I know there's a certain element of change after the rings go on the fingers, but this was not what I expected. Everything has changed and not for the good. The love, understanding and communication we once had is gone. I feel the only time I get attention from him is during sex, now I don't want that anymore. When we have "meaningful" converstations, all he talks about is his job or the Spurs.

I feel an intense amount of pressure to look young, be young and feel young. To look hot and sexy. To be appealing to him. I'm so afraid he'll stray, especially since his job lends the opportunities.

I want this marriage to work, but don't know what else to do. We've tried going back to that counselor (it's free thru my school), but somehow something always comes up.

Any insight?

Sassy I am so sorry that this is happening to you and do hope that it turns around .
Just a couple of things don't ring exactaly true abbout your situation ( I have underlined them above in your quote )
First off NO 20 year old can be a certified Pilot on a Passenger for Hire commercial airline in the United States can you please explain that please because I don't understand ( Is he possably an Air frieght Pilot ??
Maybe I misunderstood )
Second if he is truly happy being married then HE will have to STOP the flirting especially after you have plainlly
told him that it makes you uncomfortable .
A simple No thank you Im flattered but again No thanks from HIM will suffice but for him to accept the notes might be an ego boost for ''Peter Pilot '' ---> Being silly here :) that type of behavior for a young married man sure does no good for the wife sitting at home wondering what he is doing when they are apart .
I know a lot of this because I was a Capt on a fishing vessel and used to be gone for weeks at a time and we did have a few women on the ship that worked along with us and I saw that type of flirting ruin many a marriage and when the men returned home they found Papers waiting for them instead of their wives at the dock ( Sad But True )

I Hope that you took this as helpful information and I do sincerly hope that you can and do recover the marriage that it appears you wanted to have with him or if not that you get out befor your schooling is done so that you can start freash and with a degree in nurseing you will have no problems finding work and the hospital is also a good place to meet all sorts of men <g> " Hint Hint "
GOOD LUCK Sassy nurse</g> Our dating relationship was wonderful. Because I've been married before, I felt we had discussed, compromised and agreed on all the important issues. Communication was never a problem before, but now... We even went to premarital counseling to make sure we had all our ducks in a row. She was very impressed at how prepared we were, now I wonder.

he's been working on his flying career since he was 10. flied solo at 16. He paid for all of his flying lessons himself by bartering for them (cleaning airplanes, working on them, working in the office, then teaching once he got his ground instructor license) Got into an internship with a major airline which lowered the # of hours needed plus guaranteed him an interview. He wowed them all with his dedication, maturity, work ethic, and not in the very least his flying capability. He made a 99 on his ground school test and aced his checkride. He's now been employed with this major carrier for one year, which means he actually started when he was 19! He's working on his BS and is almost done (graduated from HS 1 year early). He only needs his degree to be captain. So yes it is possible for a 20 yr old to be an airline pilot, not common, but possible.

He says he's stopped the flirting and I'm working on building my trust in him. We've talked about all of this numerous times. He knows how he's hurt me. Unfortunately he expected me to trust him instantaneously. Doesn't work that way. I know some of this is situational. I wonder if things would have been different had I not broken my ankle. I know some of this is his lack of experience, both with women and with life. I'm trying to be patient...

Thanks for your input!:)

Hi there and welcome to AL.

I did a very quick search on google on airline pilots and was really surprised to see that the minimum age requirement was 18. 18 folks! He certainly could be an airline pilot at 20. Now I'm married to a 21 yo, so I am a little ashamed to say this, but... the thought really does make me go a bit weak in the knees. :tongue2: Scary? You bet... a little. lol.

I find it a bit humorous that we find it ok to date and marry these YM, but it doesn't seem to be ok for them to be successful at such a young age! Ironic?:giggle:

Rest assured, he's is an excellent pilot. he may have a lot to learn in the husband department, but he's a better pilot than most of the older guys out there and he has the commendations from every captain he's flown with to prove it. :bgrin2:

He's coming home tonight from a 4 day trip. I'm a little nervous cuz i can't seem to get happy about him coming home. I know he'll want sex and I just don't know if I can give him that right now. I've cleaned the house and done the laundry, now I'm trying to talk myself into being the happy supportive loving wife that he wants and needs. Wish me luck and say a prayer!

I find it a bit humorous that we find it ok to date and marry these YM, but it doesn't seem to be ok for them to be successful at such a young age! Ironic?:giggle:

EXACTLY!!!! This is why I said I was ashamed :o , but you are so so right.

Oh and good luck too! :)

I'm sorry to hear that yall are having trouble...especially when yall are still in the newlywed phase of your marriage!!

Just two quick questions...how long did yall date before getting married?

Does he wear his wedding ring when flying?

Nadine.

We were a few months shy of 2 years when we were married, but we were friends at least 9 months before we started dating.

As far as I know he wears his wedding ring. He says he does. I'm thinking about getting him a new one though. The one he has is a James Avery ring, Song of Solomon. It has hebrew writing on it, so it doesn't look like a traditional wedding ring. In fact he says he's been asked several times if it is a wedding ring. I've jokingly said I'm gonna get him one with a huge neon sign on it with force field capabilities!!! :rofl:

Theresa just food for thought...

Are you the possessive, jealous type? After you had a previous husband who cheated on you, maybe you are a bit susceptible this time around. Just wondering?

BTW the pic of your husband, he is a total handsome man! Just remember he married you...

Tonite, please put your fear aside, and romance him, touch him and have great wild and loving sex!

Go for it! :D

We were a few months shy of 2 years when we were married, but we were friends at least 9 months before we started dating.

As far as I know he wears his wedding ring. He says he does. I'm thinking about getting him a new one though. The one he has is a James Avery ring, Song of Solomon. It has hebrew writing on it, so it doesn't look like a traditional wedding ring. In fact he says he's been asked several times if it is a wedding ring. I've jokingly said I'm gonna get him one with a huge neon sign on it with force field capabilities!!! :rofl:

Totally off subject...but I LOVE James Avery! My engagement ring is from there as will our wedding bands be too! :D

(I'm originally from TX...I went to school at Texas State in San Marcos and only moved to NC for LOVE. :D)

Nadine.

I wasn't this way at all before we got married. I knew where he stood and trusted him totally. That note he brought home threw me for a loop. I still get nauseous thinking about it. I didn't like being in that position and feeling all those feelings again. I'm most hurt because he knew this was a big sore spot for me, yet he brought this on us anyway with his flirting. I know I need to let it go, but because of past experiences it's hard!! I'm working on it though.

Thanks for your support! I'll let you know how things go (well not everything!;) )

Yes I know he's gorgeous!

(yes, it will be short, believe it or not - y'all quit laughing)

Sassy - you BOTH are beautiful! VERY handsome couple!

Good for him that he's so successful, too - makes me really smile to hear about it.

As for how he didn't take much care when you were down, I just want to say that I've experience with some guys that just kind of freak out when their loved ones are hurt. They just don't know what to do about it. I don't think it means they love you less, but they just don't know ... they are experts on other things, and just not on how to be a caretaker in these situations.

I think the best thing is to try to open up the lines of communication.. don't blame him.. just tell him how YOU feel and ask what he's had on his mind.

Sorry.. don't have any more useful advice :( I hope you two work it out! You seem like a fine couple!

Well, he brought the note home, he could have dumped it before he got to the house... So was it an oversight of him to bring it home or did he show it to you? If he did show it to you, I call that, trust.

Most people flirt! It is a big ego thing! Do not over do it for now... Theresa let go or you are going to ruin a great relationship!

Tonight forget all of that and rekindle the sparkle of great sex!!! Be a Goddess! :D

Well, look. You got married (and no matter how prepared you were - there isn't a 20 year old man alive who isn't secretly terrified that after marriage - the beautiful, sexy vital women he married will turn into a desperate, needy wife and all fun will immediately stop) - and then you broke your ankle and as you admit, got a bit depressed.

It's a vicious cycle, he wasn't there, you felt more needy, he ran away some more etc..... It's horrid, because the intuitive behavior tends to bring out in both of you the behavior that you're secretly dreading (you: that he's an irresponsible, flirtatious, unreliable dude who won't be there for you when you need him and for him: that you're insecure and will cling to him and never let him have any fun again).

You're going to have to talk. Since at this point, you're probably more than a little pissed at him. I'm not a fan of doing the stoic thing - I think it's about making it clear that you get what happened, that you aren't depressed anymore but you are pretty angry that you couldn't get much from him when you WERE feeling weak and what WAS that about?

And what the heck are you supposed to think? He doesn't love you when your body breaks?

And more to the point, that temporary periods of weakness are part of being human and when this happens to you, you want X. Instead of Y which is what you got. It isn't permanent, you'll go back to beng your vital, energetic self, but at times, you have needs from your intimate partner that aren't negotiable.

He may be a rock of Gibralter (I doubt it, but for argument's sake), but you're not.

And if he thinks that every time someone goes through a hard time that they are to be emotionally abandoned, then they're a pretty scary person to be married to. Is that what he wants you to think?

I'm sure it isn't and it's exactly that 20 year old sub-conscious stuff playing out, but get it out in the open, so HE can recognize it and not let it push you both into playing parts that you don't want to play.

I really appreciate your supportive words. It's kinda sad. I'm getting from strangers what I needed from my husband.

He's not a bad guy. Just very inexperienced. I can see that now. I thought he had it all together before we married, but life threw us a curveball, and he swung and missed. I'm sure I swung and missed too.

He's actually a very loving, caring, funny man who wants to do the right thing, but doesn't always know what that is.

He's running late. Flights are crazy into SA. We're both exhausted, so we'll see what happens.

Thanks again

Give him TLC when he gets home, even if you are tired, he may be more tired than you. He is back from 4 days of work!

Theresa just do it!

TLC :D:D:D

He's not a bad guy. Just very inexperienced. I can see that now...

sassy, vym can be amazingly intelligent and diligent (my exvym was, my 20 year old son is...and obviously your hb is: Wow, a commercial pilot at 20!!!), kind, loving, sincere and all those wonderful/luscious things that attracts us to them; yet, like you say, they often lack the life experience that only comes with being on this planet and engaging in similar situations/relationships, etc. in the past. Their impulse control and problem solving skills are still developing as they age toward about 25+. Sometimes that lack of experience reads as self-centerdness or lack of empathy, when in reality they are just walking this path for the very first time and have no clue how to handle it. It is NOT a put down of vyp, just a realistic observation.

I thought he had it all together before we married

sassy, I'm sure he did have it all together...for his age. What I mean by that is compared to the average 19-20 year old guy, yours (and the others here who are in successful relationships) IS exceptional. That doesn't mean that he and the other exceptional young men have the life and relationship experience to co-create a long term relationship or marriage at first. They can, and will...they just need time to grow into themselves (remember yourself at 20?), and discover how to be the partner you want in your life (with your help). I remember thinking when I was with my vym, "Wow, if this doesn't last, some woman after me is going to get a great package that I helped create!" I was basically his first REAL adult relationship, so he had to learn how to love, give, communicate, share intimately, take up the slack when I was sick, think of more than himself, etc. It is just the nature of the game with vym, so don't think that your guy is somehow lacking or will never learn what/how much you need to feel loved and secure.

Dealing with inexperience simply requires patience, and more patience. But, your guy sounds like a wonderful young man who wants to do the right thing, and you obviously love each other; I have great hope that you can work through this and move forward together. Nothing beats the objectivity of a couples counselor when you feel you are at an impasse. Will you hb agree to go to counseling?

I hope that your reunion after his 4 days away was a grand one; and that all goes well from here.

So glad you have joined our forum...please keep us updated:)
Best,
Karen