I ended it

He won't visit me, he emotionally abuses me, he accused me of cheating and being a horrible girlfriend for most of our relationship. I don't need this anymore :(

He's 6000 km away and we met in March 2003 online, November 2004 in person and got engaged and I flew there several times over the past few years.

What has he done for me lately?

I said previously that he's the one and that I wouldn't be with another but I guess you all were right that I'd feel differently if it happened.

After being treated like a second class human being for so long I finally put an end to our relationship three weeks ago.

I've started dating a male friend, somewhat casually, and the joy I feel from being unburdened from some horrendous abuse I never spoke of has changed me so much. Men at work, customers, men on the bus, on the street, at the bank, everywhere, are asking me out and paying attention to me like they all know I'm single again, it's weird.

My friend I started to date said it's like I'm "bursting and it's so sexy."

I'm sad, so sad, but I have to protect myself and move on. I feel sorry for "my guy" that isn't anymore. I think he's bi-polar and has major socialization issues.

I've met a man I had such an amazing physical chemistry with before in my life but he needs to grow up on his own without depending on me for his sole emotional substinance.

I've known this new guy I'm dating for two years and he has been a wonderful friend and when we picked out my furniture together at IKEA I didn't imagine I"d be sharing my bed with him :)

He's also, coincidentally a younger man. He's 25, I'm about to turn 35. He's from Pakistan.

I guess I just needed to purge a little :)

I find the new site look okay but it's too W I D E ! ! !

I don't know what to say... I'm sad and happy for you at the same time!
:bighug:

thanks hun. I always wished my guy was as bold as yours but it never happened.

I had such high hopes but always realistic expectations and I kept so much from you as a community about the emotional abuse he put me through. I'm not going to lie by ommision anymore.

Scarlet and Golden were my idols when I joined and I wish them each wel land hope they made it. Golden gave me such wonderful advice and I will never forget meeting my "long distance ym" for the first time after two years of chatting online.

The guy I'm seeing is not promising to date me exclusively but I'm not sure what I want either. I'll give him 100% of myself until I decide otherwise and I may just tell him it's over on a whim if I feel like it and we've agreed that's fine.

We've been friends in person for two years and my family adores him and my kids adore him to death.

hhahha once one of my kids spilled steaming hot chocolate on his crotch and he smiled and went and got cleaned up and bought my kid a new one.

That was a year ago...and we still talk (and sometimes a little more) so I guess whatever this is that we're doing suits me more for now.

Like I said, I miss my guy so much but he's not my guy anymore. I wanted it so much...but it wasn't meant to be. I hope he learns to have a life and support himself and treat people with respect and to respect women.

In the course of 7 months I've gotten an apartment, a job, become manager, and managed my home life and been supportive and loving of my kids

I'm sorry for rambling, I'm just so sad about ending it.

thanks again

Well..I want to tell you Im sorry it ended, but I think what Im sorry about is that he didnt turn out to be the person you needed him to be, not that you ended it. It sounds like not only was he not being supportive and loving, he was dragging you down. I AM sorry that your hurting, and I know it's hard.

You've made so many positive changes in the other areas of you life...with your home and your job situation, etc., that I think this is a continuation of that, even though it might not feel like it right now. You deserved more, he apparently is not willing or not able to give it.

I really hope your feeling better soon. Is he still trying to talk to you?

((hugs)) to you!

charlotte...i'm sorry that it ended this way, BUT what wonderful growth you have made! look at you now!! fly!!!

I had such high hopes but always realistic expectations and I kept so much from you as a community about the emotional abuse he put me through. I'm not going to lie by ommision anymore.

Like I said, I miss my guy so much but he's not my guy anymore.

I wanted it so much...but it wasn't meant to be.

I hope he learns to have a life and support himself and treat people with respect and to respect women.

In the course of 7 months I've gotten an apartment, a job, become manager, and managed my home life and been supportive and loving of my kids

I'm sorry for rambling, I'm just so sad about ending it.

i respect so much all of these statements. every single one. you're gonna be fine gal and this place is always here to dump your thoughts on.

much love!!!

Trace

Charlotte, I am sorry you have felt bad for so long. And I am sorry your relationship didn't turn out to be what you hoped for. ((((HUG))))
But, I am glad to hear you have some good things going on in your life now.:)
Hang in there!

I'm also sorry that he couldn't be the guy you needed in your life. You do deserve the whole package and I'm happy that you have the inner strength to move on.

(((hugs)))

Charlotte, I am sorry that he was not the man that you had hoped he would be. People come into, and out of, our lives for reasons. And, there was some reason that you needed to meet him. Possibly so that you could grow just a little bit more and realize that you not only deserve better treatment, but that there are many more men out there who will give you that better treatment. Notice how since you freed yourself from those chains that bound you to him, that all these men are noticing you now? There's purpose in that... to give you the emotional confidence you need in this time of hurt.

So, good for you for all the work that you've done in the past 7 months. Try to stay focused on what you're accomplishing, and close the book on this learning experience.

Well..I want to tell you Im sorry it ended, but I think what Im sorry about is that he didnt turn out to be the person you needed him to be, not that you ended it. It sounds like not only was he not being supportive and loving, he was dragging you down. I AM sorry that your hurting, and I know it's hard.

You've made so many positive changes in the other areas of you life...with your home and your job situation, etc., that I think this is a continuation of that, even though it might not feel like it right now. You deserved more, he apparently is not willing or not able to give it.

I really hope your feeling better soon.

((hugs)) to you!

All I can say is "ditto." All of that negative was blocking anything positive to flow into your life. Maybe it's this new guy, maybe not. But at least now the gate is reopened. Good for you!

Charlotte...
WOW....all I can think of to say is:
Good for you !!!

...and I truly mean that...

I've read your posts for years, and the sadness and uncertainty that most usually came through was blaringly obvious. You didn't NEED to share openly about all the chaos he brought to your life, it was evident between the lines of your posts.

A relationship with a vym is a gamble in any form...but add to that an LDR situation, and a possible bi-polar problem and you just can't make it work. I know you tried and tried. I'm GLAD you have decided to not try any more. Letting him go (and mostly the 'hope of him') is the best thing for you!!

Of course you will feel sad...there is a hole where he once was as far as chatting, emailing, IM'ing, etc. BUT you will recover quickly. How do I know?? Because of the sound of your post !!! Man, girl, you sound like a totally NEW WOMAN with hope, self esteem, strength, and a go-get-em attitude. Those were the things he took from you, but you have gotten them back already !!!

Date, honey, date...that's the best cure for getting a loser out of your life. I caution you to keep things at dating-level for a while (6 months or so) to make sure that you are totally ready emotionally to give your best self in a committed relationship again. Give yourself the time you need to heal. The tendency is to jump into something with another man right away because he fills the "void", and makes you feel so good about yourself (something missing at the end of your last relationship). BUT, jumping in too quickly on the rebound just makes things SUCK later (statistically, relationships that begin before 6 months after a break up -rebounds- end 85% of the time). Spare yourself more grief in the near future, and just be friends/date and have the time of your life with all the men who are now coming out of the woodwork.:yes:

It's amazing how the new energy we project after a breakup ("I'm single and love myself again") is SOOOOOO attractive to men that they literally seem to appear from nowhere in droves and want to love-bomb us. Saweeeeeet. Enjoy this time. And while you're at it, get a new hair style, read a great funny book about breaking up, get a manicure, take bubble baths, hug your kids tight for longer than usual....remind yourself daily how blessed you are to have the ones you love, and who TRULY love you.

So, so happy for you, Char....your decision was an excellent one, and you WILL make it with flying colors:1appl: :thumbsup_still: :cheers: :w00t:

Is he still trying to talk to you?

He writes, calls and text messages me every day. I mostly ignore him, sometimes say hi, always feel sad. He doesn't realize it's over. I've told him so many times but he refuses to accept it and leaves cutesy messages on my phone voice mail.

He's quite delusional so I'm letting him have his little internet fantasy instead of telling him that I've moved on. Eventually he'll get bored of trying. It's not like he's going to get on a plane and visit and haunt me.

What about that webcam you used to have set up in your bedroom? Is it still there?

Charlotte, I just want to say good for you. I know you're feeling both relieved and sad, though.

I've held off posting on this thread because the temptation to get into German ex-bf bashing is just too strong for me these days. :fryingpan:

Charlotte, I am glad that you're moving on. You have come so far this past year, you deserve a happy relationship. not that. I feel so good when I think of how far you've come. I do! Things happen, people pass through our lives for a reason, maybe just to keep us strong for the next phase. He helped you out maybe, gave you hope....??? maybe, and now it's time to move on.

Overall, I'm happy for you!

I'm not so sure I want to move on. I've told him that I'll give him another chance if he shows up on my doorstep, and I just can't stop loving him.

I thought dating my friend was going to be a nice transition but it's not. Nothing's changed: I still love and want my boyfriend and I'm still remaining friends with the guy I was thinking about having a relationship with.

I'm not really sure what to think or feel but one thing has changed: his attitude. He actually apologized to me for everything he's done (in general, and for individual offenses) and he's trying to behave rational and show me respect.

He also applied for a traveller's passport and wants to try to visit me soon.

I know I'm dancing with danger here, but I think he deserves the chance to redeem himself after over a month of realizing what he could have lost.

Maybe the virtual separation and realization of interest in me by other men was enough to jolt him to reality?

All I really know for sure is that there isn't a man in this world who captivates my heart and that I will never truly be able to move on, even if we end up parting in the end.

I know what that kind of love feels like, and what it does to you.

If he comes to visit you, that WILL show that he's trying. I really hope he comes.

This all must be so confusing for you. I hope that both of you gain clarity through this situation.

I have no advice or words of wisdom. Whatever you do, just be happy.

thanks hun. I always wished my guy was as bold as yours but it never happened.

I had such high hopes but always realistic expectations and I kept so much from you as a community about the emotional abuse he put me through. I'm not going to lie by ommision anymore.

Scarlet and Golden were my idols when I joined and I wish them each wel land hope they made it. Golden gave me such wonderful advice and I will never forget meeting my "long distance ym" for the first time after two years of chatting online.

The guy I'm seeing is not promising to date me exclusively but I'm not sure what I want either. I'll give him 100% of myself until I decide otherwise and I may just tell him it's over on a whim if I feel like it and we've agreed that's fine.

We've been friends in person for two years and my family adores him and my kids adore him to death.

hhahha once one of my kids spilled steaming hot chocolate on his crotch and he smiled and went and got cleaned up and bought my kid a new one.

That was a year ago...and we still talk (and sometimes a little more) so I guess whatever this is that we're doing suits me more for now.

Like I said, I miss my guy so much but he's not my guy anymore. I wanted it so much...but it wasn't meant to be. I hope he learns to have a life and support himself and treat people with respect and to respect women.

In the course of 7 months I've gotten an apartment, a job, become manager, and managed my home life and been supportive and loving of my kids

I'm sorry for rambling, I'm just so sad about ending it.

thanks again

this new guy sounds like a gem..sounds like my kai...the other oh hun men like that just make me so angry..i was married for 10 years to an abusive beating man who i could not please for nothing...and then one day i was free of it all..sad for a while..blamed myself..then i got MAD and said you know YOU DESERVE BETTER you are worth it
girl your worth it to you deserve happiness and a beuatiful life filled with unconditional love!

good riddance to bad rubbish sounds like hes a LOSER

Gee I'm sorry to hear that your going through all this, that sux.

Of course its normal to miss him and there will be times that you want him back desperately, but I think you should make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. In my experiences, I have found that there is a big difference between being in love with someone and being unhealthily attached to someone, to the point that you don't consider your own needs as important.

Not saying thats the case, if he does show up and prove that he's changed well then thats great. I just think that you really deserve to be treated well and not have to be dealing with all this negative stuff.

You know, I have found that there is no quick fix for a broken heart. You will miss them, you will regret that its ended and you probably will make the mistake of calling when you shouldn't. Don't beat yourself up about it if it happens, just make a concious choice to move on with your life and make sure you are looking after YOU and your needs.

You will still fall over from time to time...but as time goes by, you will find that you get up much quicker every day.

Good luck.

good riddance to bad rubbish sounds like hes a LOSER

He's not a loser on purpose. He hasn't learned to socialize properly, and he's never dated before.

I'm his first girlfriend (we met online in March 2003 and in person Nov 2004 for the first time) and he was raised in a difficult family situation (abuse, then his father died) and he was ridiculed by his peers for being overweight and has a really negative self-image.

He's learning.

He was so wonderful in the beginning, but he depended on me too much. Now he works as an apprentice, he's in school, and he's planning to visit me finally. He's treating me better, he's showing confidence in himself and seems to be willing to try to better himself as a person and partner.

I'm going to spend the night in the city next week and hang out with my friend and play pool and share meals and talk and have fun and just be happy to have each other as friends. I tried being closer but I am not really attracted to him like I am to my boyfriend, whom I'm giving another chance to.

There's just something about him that I can't turn away from. I've been with a lot of men, a LOT, and never felt this way before.

He doesn't try to be awful, he just didn't know any better and he's trying to learn to be a good boyfriend and man in general. I think he deserves another chance.

charlotte, i hope it goes well for you both!

I know a woman who went through some awful experiences with her bf. It was a different situation. He drank and partied and was just very unreliable. She broke up with him. And, realizing what he had lost, he finally realized he had to change. And he did change, and it all worked out. They are now happily married and have a 2 year old little boy.

And, there was another woman who had a husband who was emotionally unhealthy. He didn't know how to socialize with people. His lack of social skills were so bad that he didn't even know how to interact in a healthy manner with his own family. This was just a symptom of a bigger problem. The woman gave him many chances over a period of about 10 years to take her concerns seriously and work on himself in order to save the relationship. He never did. It was just too much work for him to work on himself.

That 2nd woman was me and that was my ex-husband.

Sometimes, they just don't change. You never know unless you give them a second chance. But, at some point, you look back and you realize that you've given them multiple chances. And, that's when you have to decide when enough is enough.

Loving a person who has emotional or social dysfunction is not easy. And, it affects more than just you. It affects everyone in your family that the person would interact with, including the children.

But, if the person works on themselves and can truly overcome their problems, it is possible that they will change.

Charlotte, I can understand why you'd give him another chance, if he seems to be changing. I hope that you'll stand firm in your expectations of him and that he will prove to you that he will meet your expectations on a sustained basis.

Good luck to you both.

Charlotte, I know where you are coming from.

I have had my own doubts regarding a few unresolved issues with my YM too a couple of weeks ago, but as fate had it everything was sorted out although most members here advised me to leave him and move on.

My YM who I loved dearly practically came down to his knees and begged me to really listen to him, which I did, and I don't regret it. We have come a long way since . . .!

I no longer allow things to simmer, without discussing them on a regualr basis with him. I try to tell him what I want and ask him what he can offer and thus the channels of communications have opened wider than before. It worked wonders.

Plus, he reaized how much I meant to him and he won't want to lose me again.

Sometimes it helps to see the BIG PICTURE of the relationship instead of only seeing the smaller one of the duration of a few past days.

I hope you will sort things out with your boyfriend, and I know how really hard it is to find a man to love and who would love you back. Sometimes a person needs to give unconditionally before she can expect any rewards, and this goes to any kind of a relationship not just with YM.

Much good luck,

Charlotte I'm so sorry this has happened...... I'm lucky that you realized this before it went any further.... and you didn't physically get hurt.... I know emotional is probably worse but you are strong and you will recover and move on...

You know you always have friends here!!

Charlotte,

I've always thought you were a beautiful woman who didn't know her own worth. You have a lot going on for you, and look how far you've come! No matter what happens with your YM, you can make it in the world for yourself and for your children.

Life will keep looking better and better, cuz you're making it that way.

Kat