The Family

Here's my problem, which I would like to get feedback on. My YM, Rocco, is thinking of telling his family about me. He has been making noises about this for a few months and unless I specifically ask him not to (which I might want to do) I think it's going to happen. He has dropped so many hints, I think they probably suspect.

I know for many people this would seem like a good thing. I'm not so sure.

I don't know how much anyone remembers about other people's situations so here is a quick story-so-far.

I'm 51 and my partner Rocco is 31. We have been together since May 2004 and we've been living together since December 2005. We are very happy and have a very strong relationship.

My son has a great relationship with Rocco and thinks of him as his stepfather - I love seeing them together, I think Rocco really enhances his life.

Rocco has met my parents but only because they came here from the UK to visit me in 2005 when I threw myself a huge party for my 50th birthday and invited all kinds of people.

He has never accompanied me on a visit to the UK and although I travel as much as I can, we have only been on two vacations together. We have not yet spent a Christmas together because that's when I usually travel.

So that's his relationship with my family. My friends adore him. and have no issues with us as a couple. The friends of his I've met are his important friends and they feel the same way as my friends.

So what's my problem?

I'm not Zsa Zsa, but I have had three spouses before Rocco and, therefore, three sets of in-laws. I do not have a very happy relationship with my own family, and perhaps because of this, I have always chafed at the obligations family and inlaws impose on you. I don't like having no choice about what I'm going to be doing at Christmas or at Easter or on Thankgsiving, or my birthday or his birthday etc.

I know for many people these are family occasions. They're not for me. I know that if Rocco's family find out about me, there will be a problem every Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc, because they will expect me to accompany him and will be offended if I don't. That will then cause a problem between us. Right now, there's an informal juggling of which days his family and I will do the Thanksgiving or Easter or whatever celebration with Rocco attending both.

And it's not just the fact of going - although being locked into that drives me crazy - I know they're not going to like me. They are very conservative, traditional Italian Catholics. His brother is a police officer.

His sister eventually married an East Indian man after being forced to give him up because of his race and being single and miserable, as was he, for three years. That's what it took for her to defy the family.

Rocco is a vegetarian and his family never, ever make a vegetarian meal for him on any of these occasions - he just eats the side dishes.

If they find racial difference and vegetarianism so unacceptable, how do you think they're going to feel about a 51 year old with a child born out of wedlock, a string of exes and whacko left wing politics?

Okay. But on the other hand...

I am simply astonished that Rocco seems to want this and if it really is important to him, I have to take it seriously. From what he has said, I think he feels that our relationship is kind of compromised when he deceives his family about it..

Apparently, they think he just rents a room in my house. I think he has been fairly vague and ambiguous and let them make assumptions which he doesn't correct. This is a huge source of humour to me - once, after his brother called here and I chatted with him a bit, he said later to Rocco that he though his landlady was really nice. I find this hilarious and occasionally refer to myself as the landlady.

But I think this represents a sort of next step in commitment for Rocco and I don't want to take that lightly. That doesn't mean I have to go along with this.

I dunno - what do you all think?

Goodness...we are a lot alike.
I suppose that I would let the chips fall where they may.
So they judge you lol......you are old enough and smart enough to play it their way if you are feeling generous that day. And, tell them where your
"order of importance" lies on the issues on others.
Or, do what I do, let them think whatever they want......they are going to anyway:rolleyes:
Your man should know how they are..let him figure out how he wants to deal with it.
He should deal with it in the same way as he has shown you how he handles every other issue that comes up.
Good Luck :eek:
Blessings, TD

I think it depends on where you see this relationship and what you want from it. I believe a serious committed relationship kind of requires that it is out of the closet regardless of the response of those around you.

If they find racial difference and vegetarianism so unacceptable, how do you think they're going to feel about a 51 year old with a child born out of wedlock, a string of exes and whacko left wing politics?

Okay. But on the other hand...

I am simply astonished that Rocco seems to want this and if it really is important to him, I have to take it seriously. From what he has said, I think he feels that our relationship is kind of compromised when he deceives his family about it..


I kind of understand where you're coming from with feeling bound to family commitments. But you're right, if he sees it as important, then I think you'll have to 'go along with it'. What I would say is that it's going to come out sometime... it has to. Either he'll slip and say something that makes it obvious, or they'll find out another way. You never know, they might have suspiscions about it already! So with that in mind I think that there's not time like the present, basically.

You have a strong relationship, right? Pressure from his family isn't going to alter it, right? We've survived Donna's family not being very happy/supportive of ours, so I'm sure you can. With us, at one point her daughter had to get upset and tell her grandma that she likes me and doesn't like hearing people talk bad about me (or something to that effect) until it really substantially stopped.

Btw, your left wing policies certainly aren't whacko! ;)

I agree with marcy, it depends on where you want this to go. If you are completely committed to him and plan on spending your life with him then meeting his family is inevitable...why bother putting it off?

I would let Rocco guide this, its his family, he'll have a better feel for when is the right time, and if its soon, well, unless this is just a passing thing with him that you dont plan on sticking with, you should roll with it. You cant control how they feel or how they are going to react to you. Just be yourself, if they dont approve, oh well, that is their problem. The only people you need to concern yourself with are you and Rocco and if your relationship is strong, he will not let his family destroy it. Trust him to handle it.

As a sidenote...I come from an Italian Catholic family. I KNOW they are hard to please and can be judgmental...they are very protective of the children, especially the daughters, the sons, not quite as much, so maybe the difficulty they gave the sister, might not apply to him so harshly. It usually has to do with "spoiling the bloodline" with non-italian grandchildren..and since I dont think you will be having children with him, maybe they wont get so bent. One can hope. If he is vegan, he has already broken the mold, lol...no meatballs? I bet that pains his mother greatly...lol

Good luck to you :)

If your partner was raised in a traditional Italian family I can imagine that his family is very very important for him. I suggest that you two discuss his expectations regarding you and his family once he comes out of the closet. He may expect you to integrate into his family, or at least do the "holiday circuit".

In my culture (and I imagine in the italian culture too), the parents, and parents-in-law are always owed deference, consideration, and respect, and it feels weird to fall into the daughter role when you are older than the parents-in-law, but I manage. :yes:

I am simply astonished that Rocco seems to want this and if it really is important to him, I have to take it seriously. From what he has said, I think he feels that our relationship is kind of compromised when he deceives his family about it..

bijou, I think this is reason enough to "allow" him to tell his parents. If he feels he is compromising his own personal integrity by not telling them after all this time, out of respect for the man you love, let him speak the truth. The greatest gift we can offer someone is the encouragement to be authentic. I credit your ym for his desire to "come clean" with his family about you....many ym have the opposite resolve (to HIDE their OWGF). It shows he loves you enough to present you in truth. Be thankful for that, and let it happen.

you are a strong woman...you will deal with the after effects brilliantly, I'm sure.

P.S. As a side note, I think that when someone is a "special eater", they should offer to contribute their own meal to the gatherings. I, for example only drink decaf cola, and it is not produced in the country, thus hard to get, so I bring my own. My bf does not eat veggies, and in parties I offer to bring something he likes to eat.

Maybe his mom has no clue on how to cook a veggie meal.

Wow, thank you all for such thoughtful responses. Keep them coming, I really need to keep thinking about this.

Let me say thus far though:

Yes, Tinydancer, I am inclined to go with whatever he decides because this is his family and it's something he wants.

Marcy: I hear you, that a serious committed relationship has to be out of the closet. But I struggle with that. I am prepared to walk down the street holding hands and take be open about our relationship in public. I believe that we can't break down ridiculous stereotypes without challenging them in these ways and it's sort of an obligation. I get that. And I get that all serious relationships involve the partners' families and not to reveal ourselves to them is an odd thing when I believe this. But...

I am not a fan of "the family". My own experiences with my family were not good and I have grown up and lived my life very aware and very conscious of the negative aspects of the family monopoly on human relations. To be blunt, I loathe it. In my life, friendships and other relationships have been far more positive for me than family connections. I reject the idea that family sanction makes a relationship real.

Essentially, this is about me feeling compelled into a set of relationships I usually shrink from.

Sheila4pd: The fact that some people feel families and elders deserve deference is all well and good - I don't think they get a free pass. I don't think family members have a right to judge and criticize and make you feel bad about who you are.

And if I go as a guest somewhere and I happen to have special dietary needs, I'll take something with me. If my son came home for a family birthday celebration and he happened to be vegetarian, I would figure out how to make a vegetarian meal for him.

Rob:

From one whacko to another - thanks sweetie. I'm not really worried about his family damaging our relationship. I am more dreading the thought of having to have relationships with people I don't really want to know for reasons I reject. And yeah, you know, I think they have to have guessed already, which is why the timing feels right to Rocco.

Lissa:

Thanks for the Italian point of view. No, no problems with the bloodline - thank God, I hadn't even thought of that as a potential problem.

Special K:

You have expressed my reasons for going along with this perfectly - I see this as being about my need to have the life I want, with the relationships I want and the ability to spend my time the way I want (and, of course, not to have to do anything I don't want) versus Rocco's need to live the way that feels right to him.

I realize I sound princessy as hell here and maybe that's what I need to think about.

I'm finding what you say very helpful. Please don't stop.

I am late but I would like to say something.

I would be so wowed by Rocco wanting to tell his family about me that I would just be gaga.

I am not a big family person either, so I understand that part.

Don't big Italian families all gather in the kitchen? Maybe you could whip up something vegetarian and let everyone have a go at it. It could be they would be accepting if they were given a chance.

They accepted the sister eventually, didn't they? Maybe she has broken them in. LOL

I know they're not going to like me.

Very much a preconceived idea. Hey you never know, but there may be a slight possibility that, after they get over the shock, of course, they may like you and if they don't, then too bad....

By the way I agree with you just because they are family and elders NO FREE passes in my eyes! But once in a while a little tolerance is good, for me at times, that is (tolerance) even hard to give to my family, specially my dad and brother. But that is life!

Bijou I really do not think it is up to you whether Rocco wants to tell his family, respect his wishes but let him know that you may not participate in his family activities. As long as he knows that then the two of you will be fine!

Lucky me, I never had in-laws! jajajajaja

Hearing more about your feelings on family and suspecting his family is much like my own I understand your reluctance much better. Italians are VERY family oriented, the family IS the core of their lives, it is not unusual at all for the parents, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers to all live within close proximity of one another (like on the same street) and be very intertwined in each others lives. "Outsiders" are never fully accepted until they become part of the family through marriage, and even then, they arent revered as much as blood relatives...ESPECIALLY if the "outsider" is not Italian.

I remember when I was a teenager, every boy I dated, my grandmother would ask immediately what their last name was. If it was an Italian name (which most times it was, because we lived in a predominently Italian area) She would show great joy and want him to come to dinner right away. If it happened to be non Italian, she would discourage immediately. I dated a really sweet cute guy my sophomore year in HS that looked very italian, but was infact Polish, his last name ended in ky, and we just creatively changed it to etti when referring to him to grandma. We fooled her for all of 2 visits, then she called him out. It was so embarassing. I was so upset...and she kept saying.."Now Im sure he is a very nice boy, but he's polish, and you dont want to date a polish boy" I saw him as just a HS boyfriend, she saw him as a potential husband and father to some half polish babies and woah, she did NOT like that.

Its a weird dynamic....sorry to drone on about my family, lol, but I so know how it works and yeah, it is kinda crappy...but its just the way their culture works. My parents werent nearly as strict with that stuff as my grandparents were though, so the times are changing I think. I married a half italian and no one kicked me out of the family. Even if you go against the "rules"....they DO get over it and learn to deal, they rarely if ever abandon a family member, no matter what the reason. It seems Rocco has already made steps to live seperately and do his own thing regardless of what his family thinks, so he is in a good spot...and you will be too with him by your side.

I spoke to Rocco last night again and asked him to tell me the main reason he wants to tell his family. He said, well, I love you, and I don't like lying about you.

I don't think there is an argument available against that. And who wouldn't be moved?

Also, I asked him if I was really going to have to attend every family function with him and he said of course, if we're "out", we're "out".

That I think is going to take a bit of managing, but I think there's no real choice about telling the family - it's his decision and I don't feel I can ask him not to do it.

You will definitely get an account of the first family event.

I come from an Italian Catholic family and was mortified to tell them about my YM for fear of their judgement. But my family is also very important to me. It was a tough decision to make but I did it with great fear and trepidation.

My family surprised me. They were concerned at first, but they didn't judge or make a big stink out of it. they accepted him and now they love him and are grateful for him. I was shocked at their reaction and pleasantly surprised. Maybe his family will surprise you too.

Just because he comes out to them doesn't make you obligated to spend every holiday or special occasion with them. You have the right to make your own decisions about how you spend your time. He's been with you this long. If he doesn't know and accept this about you by now, then you have some communicating to do.

It'll be fine!:) Good luck!