Weird scenario

Hi folks. Some of you may remember from a few weeks ago that my bf and I decided to 'take time off' for a bit. We've agreed to not see other people and to spend the time apart trying to figure out what (personal) dynamics we each bring to the relationship. We talk infrequently--and pretty much just about the separation, how its going, etc. Yeah, it's weird, but it's okay, and, I think, necessary. So that's that.

In the meantime, a male business acquaintance who I know fairly well as a friend got very ill. I sent him a get well note, which he responded to by thanking me. I asked if he'd like a visit and he said yes, that would be nice. We hadn't seen each other for a while, so we made plans to go out for a lunch & a movie.

I should mention that I did at one time have some slight romantic interest in this friend, but now do not at all (and have not for years). Plus, he made it clear at the time (in the past) that he was only interested in me as a friend. So, things seemed pretty safe and settled. (I have several male friends, by the way, so this wasn't out of the ordinary).

Before seeing him last weekend, I decided that I would not mention anything about my BF to him--in part because I didn't want to get into explaining about the weird situation between us, but mainly because I don't tell people about my BF (and his age) unless they are someone I am very close to. Also, this person, continues to be someone I do business with from time to time...and I like to keep my personal/romantic life separate...even though we are casual friends.

So, I don't know if I am being paranoid or not, but I sort of worry now that he might think I'm interested in him. I kind of got the feeling during our visit that he was being a little bit more friendly than usual, but I really can't read him that well--he's a very friendly and gregarious person. I realize I could straighten the whole thing out by saying I'm involved with someone, but I know that he'd ask me questions about my BF... and I don't want to go there.

He indicated that he'd like to hang out again--which is fine. I just don't want him to have the wrong idea about my intentions. I like him as a friend and that's all.

Well, if you and him were just friends before, there's probably nothing changed there in his mind, either. I wouldn't "borrow trouble" as my gramma always says.

It's funny...you don't want him to read too much into it...but aren't you? :)

Go and enjoy hanging with him. If he makes an overture, then let him know you're involved. That's all you need to tell him, you are under no obligation to let him know anything else. Or, give him the "just friends" speech.

More than anything though, enjoy yourself:)

We've agreed to not see other people ...

...so we made plans to go out for a lunch & a movie.


My bf would interpret that "lunch and movie" is seeing other people.

I would also interpret it in the same way.

How will your bf interpret that if he found out?

You are all adults and pretty much can do whatever you want, :cool: so I am not saying this is wrong or right, just wondering about a possible situation if your bf finds out.

:Thud:

I should continue to see your friend and just enjoy being his friend.

Stop over thinking anything unless he comes out and says something.

As of now, the truth of it is, you're not involve with anyone, let alone your so called b/f...don't know why you call him that as he is infrequently calling you. And your conversation isn't about how to work on this relationship.

And don't discount having to tell this friend about this ym, he might give valuable information from someone on the outside looking in and a guy's perspective...it will help you set a different direction then sitting in limbo waiting for joe schmoe to decide if he's going to come back in your life.

At that time you can reevaluate your relationship with this ym. Since you put yourself in a position of wait and see, friends are the best thing for you right now. Just be prepared that amoung your friends, you may just find true love.

Paris

Ooh I like your scenario better, Paris :)

Now I'm wondering if I shouldn't have written this thread to begin with. I wasn't interested in opening myself up to the criticism of people thinking that my BF is jerking me around. He isn't. I can't and won't go into all the details of our separation here, but I think it's really unfair to jump to conclusions about something you know virtually nothing about. I'm pretty insulted.

...your so called b/f...don't know why you call him that as he is infrequently calling you. And your conversation isn't about how to work on this relationship.

...it will help you set a different direction then sitting in limbo waiting for joe schmoe to decide if he's going to come back in your life.

At that time you can reevaluate your relationship with this ym. Since you put yourself in a position of wait and see, friends are the best thing for you right now. Just be prepared that amoung your friends, you may just find true love.

Paris

Paris~for the record my "Joe Schmoe" isn't deciding whether to come back into my life. He is in my life. He is working on something for himself to make the relationship better. And he and I are both committed to being together. I'm sorry if that's something that's hard for you to understand. Maybe you should refrain from passing judgements on other people when you don't have all the facts.

I am not interested in this friend as "true love." I like him as a friend and that's that.

Shiela~I will tell my BF about the lunch/movie and he won't think twice about it because I frequently spend time alone with male friends and have throughout our relationship. The thing is that those other male friends know about my BF, while this one doesn't (because he's not someone I know as well).

Anyway, I'm looking for feedback on how to handle the friend situation...not the BF. I would appreciate if future posters focus on that rather than inserting their own agendas.

I realize I could straighten the whole thing out by saying I'm involved with someone, but I know that he'd ask me questions about my BF... and I don't want to go there.

He indicated that he'd like to hang out again--which is fine. I just don't want him to have the wrong idea about my intentions. I like him as a friend and that's all.

If I were you, I would drop a casual mention of my BF into the conversation in an offhand way... something like "oh yeah, my BF and I are planning to try that restaurant / see that movie / etc."

I'm sure you're adept enough to gracefully dodge any probing questions your friend might ask... but then again, he might not ask at all.

Hi folks. I realize I could straighten the whole thing out by saying I'm involved with someone, but I know that he'd ask me questions about my BF... and I don't want to go there.

He indicated that he'd like to hang out again--which is fine. I just don't want him to have the wrong idea about my intentions. I like him as a friend and that's all.

If you truly do not want him to get the wrong idea (as well as your BF) and he truly is your friend, then you need to tell him about your BF and your situation. What if your BF found out you are hanging out with this male friend and asks you what you have told the friend? If I were in his shoes, I would be very hurt and concerned that you would NOT tell this male friend about your BF and the relationship. Think of how you would feel if it were your BF doing this rather than you? Wouldn't you want your BF to tell his female friend about you and the situation if he was truly just hanging out as a platonic friend with some woman?

You have no idea if he will ask you further about the details and if he does, just say, "I'd rather not go into the details about this right now." That's all you need to say. And that will take care of any situations that might be created by withholding information...which is never a good way to go about relating to anyone...whether it's platonic or romantic.

It sounds to me that you want to spend time with this male friend because he may be a subsitute for your BF in terms of male company. There is nothing wrong with that and don't take this as accusing you of doing something bad. I have male friends too and I am usually much friendlier with them and spend more time with them when I am NOT in a relationship or don't have a BF, and less if I was in a relationship. That is the hazard of taking breaks in a relationship for whatever reason...there is always the chance that one or both of a couple will start spending time with a "substitute" for companionship and things could develop, get complicated or someone will get hurt.

But if you TRULY just want platonic time and you are worried that this man will get the wrong idea, then nip it in the bud and talk about your BF. Then you can just enjoy the platonic friendship....end of story.

Of course, the other option is to just be less availalbe to this male friend so he gets the idea that you are not open to "hanging out" on a regular, date-like basis. Remember, in anything...there is always a price to pay and you need to weigh the if the consequences are worth the actions. Good luck.