Worried

So, I've been dating my ym, Elijah for 8 months now. I'm 29, and he's 20. He's absolutely wonderful, sweet, calm, mature, intelligent, he's everything I could ever ask for! However, I have always worried about him and a huge issue he has. Elijah, all his life (according to his sister), has always been sort of anti-social. He rarely ever interacts with other individuals outside of his two jobs, and myself. Anyway, to make a better example, yesterday, I told him that I had to work really late (3 am), he told me he would come by after The Dallas Stars game, and after teaching a night guitar class. So, I asked him who he was going to the Hockey game with, and he goes, "Umm..." :(
It has become a habit now for me to ask him who he is going with every time he goes out. He always kind of shrugs it off, and tries to get me to ignore the fact that he has pretty much no friends outside of me.
It really worries me. Is this mentally healthy for him? Or is this just the way some people are?

Thanks,
Samantha.

(By the way, awesome site!)

Blast it! I put this in the wrong forum. Sorry!

I think it is the way some people are... but you can help... thats the good news. Why not introduce another couple to some of your activities?

I think it's normal, I'm 19 and I don't hang out with a lot of people (bad experiance with groups) I'm mostly close with family and people I work with and there all older than me, I don't have any friends my age. To be honest I'd rather be alone than with people. If your bf seems to be happy and he has no problem with it than I would just leave it like that, he night take things the wrong way.

He's also told me numerous times that he can't communicate and understand the way most individuals his age act. And I have introduced him to many of my friends. He's very nice to them, but he pretty much ignores them after a handshake. Him and I are both huge metal fans, and even when he sees his favorite band play, he won't get energetic. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I love my sweetie to death, and it just seems like he never gets excited :(

E's Honey...

I don't think your bf is not mentally unhealthy or anything like that. It's his personality type...like Marcy said, you can try to work on that with him.

Having said that though, I have two things to offer.

Before I got married to my now exhb, I was told by his friends, his brother and even his parents:eek: that all of his former gf's broke up with him saying that he didn't talk/communicate. I just laughed it off because, hey, he was communicating with me!!! (it had only been a couple of months into our relationship and the infatuation-phase makes everyone talkative and seem like they are perfect together). In the end, his passive-aggressive nature/hiding things/not talking escalated to where we barely said "hi" to one another at home. It was insidious. I should have listened to everyone and realized a non-talker is NOT a good match for me! I'm not saying your ym's anti social ways now will degrade and destroy your relationship later on...I'm just pointing out that you should believe what his friends and family tell you; and, if you are a very social person, he may not be the best long term match. People can learn and grow, and get much better with their personality quirks, but rarely do they do a 180 flip.

Also, it can be flattering at first to be someone's "everything"...but that gets old. When your bf doesn't have friends, after a while the relationship can start to feel cloistered and dependent. Cloistered and dependent is where it starts to get emotionally and mentally unhealthy, IMO. And, when a person is so young (18-21), that dependence can imprint pretty deeply, especially if you are his first real adult realtionship. I know, I've been there.

Meeting other couples and doing things in groups helps a lot (if he's cool with that, initiate it). He teaches a guitar class??? That sounds like a good thing. Keep encouraging him and making opportunities for you both to get out with others. You are still in the early stages of your relationship...give it time and watch to see how his "anti social" behaviors continue to play out. If they don't change, you'll have to decide if you want to live with them for a long time, or not. Guys can be wonderful, loving,sweet, intelligent, but not a good match for us in the end.

You two barely have an age gap, and if you stay together, it won't even be noticeable as time goes by and he ages at bit...so you shouldn't have any typical OW/YM age gap worries I don't think (like outliving him, looking old when he is still young, etc.). This is more about personality-compatability, I think.

I wish you the best outcome EH...and ...
:welcome:

I agree, it's just the way some people are, and to varying degrees.

My b/f has one, what I would consider, good friend, and a handful of aquaintances (mostly people he works with) who he talks with at work. These aren't the kind of people he calls up on the weekend or anything like that. Just the closest friend.

He is basically pretty antisocial. He is really really good to my children and I and both of our families, but outside of that he honestly just does not like "most people". He is polite, like you mentioned yours is, but he doesn't really particularly care what anyone he does not know has to say.

He isn't shy or awkward in social situations.

I don't know if this will make him sound horrible or what, but he really truly believes that being overinvolved with other people complicates your life, and dealing with other people's "junk" brings you down. He believes that way all his energy goes towards the relationships that really matter, and the only problems he concentrates on are ours. So, he just keeps his circle really small...

Im not saying this is what is going on in your situation...because I haven't really come across someone who thinks exactly like this before; however, I was just pointing out that some people choose to keep few friends, and are perfectly happy that way and it can be, in fact, a choice.

I have to admit, it keeps his life fairly simple, and being that he genuinely doesn't care what 99.9% of the people in the world have to say, he never had the doubts about our relationship I had in the beginning.

I am a loner myself so I understand where your boyfriend comes from.

I have been bitten once too many in my past relationships and decided to go it alone if at all possible.

However craving for intimacy is what got me to hook up with my current YM and he seems to be bewildered like you as to why I am mostly by myself and I have to keep explaining myself. :paperbag:

In the end I just told him it's because I come from another planet/Star and I do not understand really the issues of the earth people on a deep(er) level, and feel no need to socialize with earthlings unless absolutely necessary.

Well, about another planet it may not be entirely fictiscious . Have you read Doreen Virtues book of Earth Angels, the Realm of Incarnated Angels/Starpeople? I see myself as a Starperson and feel I belong to a faraway star/planet. . . ! Check out this link http://www.innerself.com/Spirituality/angel_9262.htm

So he probably comes from there too :hide:

He has only a few close friends. He says he can't relate to people his own age.

I think this is just how your bf is. But if it really bothers you then you need to communicate that with him. You can work on it with him, but you can't change him.

Good luck!

If he's happy this way, don't worry about it, and don't make him feel bad about it. This is the way he is. Why should he do what others expect him to do? Some humans are pack animals, others march to the beat of his/her own drummer. Live and let live.

Think of it as a honor to you that he must be fulfilled in the relationship that he doesn't need to be out with other people. If he's a bit mature for his age...I think it's very normal for many men to be like this, especially if he has a solid GF or wife emotionally supporting him...that could be enough for many men. As some have said, he could be the type that prefers doing things and going places on his own rather than with a buddy. And some men would rather not hang out with the "guys", the way women like to hang out with the "girls". There are guys that like all that male bonding, but quite often that starts to fade as a guy gets older...it varies...as others have pointed out...personality.

Personally, I like a guy who is social enough to take to an event or gathering, but not so social that you have to worry that he will be ignoring me or flirting with all the women. I've tended to date quieter, somewhat shyer men who are not going to be the life of the party. As long as the man is a good guy and treats me right, I don't care whether he can schmooze or not at a social gathering...as long as he treats others with respect and doesn't embarass me in public...it's all okay with me.:D

My BF is the quiet one too. He interacts to a degree; just that I'm waaaaay more "out there", lol....it has worked good so far, and it doesn't bother me. And he's not at all shy, just not the type to really care what other people think of him, and very very calm. As long as he lets ME be outgoing and not try to make me like him, we're cool as far as I care. His last relationship carried the same dynamic. She was the outgoing one, and he was himself. He's more the thinker than I am, and more calm, like the originator of this post mentioned her BF being. And don't laugh, but even with the 14 year difference, he's still the more mature one in a lot of ways. He's more practical, and I'm the creative one. He's better with $$, calmer, a MUCH better cook, and I'm better with people, more creative, come up with creative solutions for problems we have, and better at confronting people. So I think we have struck an excellent balance so far.

And how DO other people put that little circle with the age diff in their siggie?

My BF is the quiet one too. He interacts to a degree; just that I'm waaaaay more "out there", lol....it has worked good so far, and it doesn't bother me. And he's not at all shy, just not the type to really care what other people think of him, and very very calm. As long as he lets ME be outgoing and not try to make me like him, we're cool as far as I care. His last relationship carried the same dynamic. She was the outgoing one, and he was himself. He's more the thinker than I am, and more calm, like the originator of this post mentioned her BF being. And don't laugh, but even with the 14 year difference, he's still the more mature one in a lot of ways. He's more practical, and I'm the creative one. He's better with $$, calmer, a MUCH better cook, and I'm better with people, more creative, come up with creative solutions for problems we have, and better at confronting people. So I think we have struck an excellent balance so far.

And how DO other people put that little circle with the age diff in their siggie?

Awesome points! Thank you so much! All of you!

I would actually consider my honey to be more mature than I am except few situations, such as social situations, and handling money correctly (one of the very few things I've ever had to guide him with).

Again, thanks for all the advice!

I don't know if this will make him sound horrible or what, but he really truly believes that being overinvolved with other people complicates your life, and dealing with other people's "junk" brings you down. He believes that way all his energy goes towards the relationships that really matter, and the only problems he concentrates on are ours. So, he just keeps his circle really small...

I have to admit, it keeps his life fairly simple, and being that he genuinely doesn't care what 99.9% of the people in the world have to say, he never had the doubts about our relationship I had in the beginning.

This is exactly how I feel. I don't like to spread myself too far for fear of losing myself to the whims of others, and so I keep a very small circle of friends and acquaintances, but never get too involved or attached.

The woman I'm pursuing seemed pretty worried about it, kept asking me to get out more and do more with friends, she worries about me being too dependent on her. The truth is that I just rather focus on myself, my own abilities and enjoyment. I am comfortable in social situations, quite enjoy them. I have found much more happiness in keeping to myself save for a few outings with the guys I went to school with, than I ever did with a large group of friends involved so deeply in each others' lives. Too complicated.

If your man is of this same mindset, I'd say he's fine. (Of course I'm not going to say I'm NOT fine :tongue2: )

Don't assume he's depending on you in that way. Talk with him about it.

Wow.. you look like David Cassidy

Wow.. you look like David Cassidy

..was that directed to me? :giggle:

I think it was...lol. :22:

My ym is the same way it took him a while to get a job from insecuritues and a bit of social phobia...

He came home from work with friends, I was thrilled.....but didnt let on.

Let him go at his own pace and just enjoy him...



Wendy