Regaining faith and trust in love

Hello everyone, I have been reading here for a little while and see this is a kind and support forum. I have a partner of almost 4 years (living together for 3.5 yrs and we became engage last year), he is 6 years younger than me.
We love each other alot and have a pretty good relationships. He is away for the night tonight for work and we spoke on the phone for a while about this.

I was married to someone else for a long time (age 17-29), he treated me very badly(abusive alcoholic), worst of all he lied to me and cheated on me for most of our marriage (he only told me a year before we seperated). He would travel for work and I would call him and he would just chat to me like normal, I later found out he would have women or prostitutes with him. I felt unbelievably stupid (and still do), for trusting him so faithfully and being devoted to him while he was doing these things. At times I would have a sick feeling in my stomach promting me to as ask him questions, of course he would just tell me I was being stupid.

I really do believe the man I am with now is an honest and kind one and after almost 4 years I dont have a single reason not to trust him completely. I look at my ex-husbands personality and values overall and he was a dishonest and cruel person in everyway. My man now is nothing like him and I find it really hard to believe he would ever do any of those things to me... but there is the voice in my head that just keeps nagging at me, don't trust him, he's fooling you, lying to you, laughing in your face and your to stupid to see it... it is driving me crazy... like I am constantly fighting this battle out in my head whether to trust or not... I feel like I just want to run and have no men in my life because it would be so much easier. I have read so many books, been to counselling.. but I just cant seem to heal/restore my faith in man and love..

Everytime my man goes away I get that same knot in my stomach at night wondering what is happening. I know I am either going to drive myself nuts and running out of this wonderful relationship or him. I can't deal with either of those options but I don't know how to get over it.

xx Leifang

First of all, welcome to the board, Leifang. I'm glad you're here.

It sounds like your ex husband did a number on you, but to be honest, it's not nearly the number you seem to be doing to yourself. It seems like you're perpetuating the hell you were in with your marriage...and why would you want to do that?

Those little voices we hear are really good things, for the most part. They can warn us about dangers, about liars, about things not being as they seem. However when we've been in prolonged situations where we've ignored them, they stop working for a while. We start to doubt our instincts, because we wonder if what we're hearing really IS instinct, or if it's some sick and twisted vestige of self punishment we created before because in the back of our minds we really believed all the mean things the other person was saying about us.

My guess, Leifang, is that your ex husband isn't the first alcoholic in your life. Generally we're first exposed in our family of origin and then move onto an alcoholic partner because, hey, it's what we know. If that's the case, though, then your instinct was tampered with long before your ex husband ever came along.

Probably the first thing you could do is acknowledge this is not your partner's problem. It's yours. You're the one carrying the damage from your previous relationship into this one. He could be absolutely genuine and honest, like you believe him to be, or he could be really good at manipulating like you're trying to tell yourself...regardless, the voices that you're hearing are your own. You can either tell them to shut up and wait and see, or you can end things because it's easier. Ultimately, whether he is or isn't cheating on you is beyond your control. My guess is that that's what the main problem is, here. You feel you have none.

My advice to you would be to seek out an Alanon meeting or 6. Yes, the alcoholic is no longer in your life, but the damage still is. Counseling and books are wonderful, but nothing seems to work quite as well as a room full of people who have been exactly where you are. They've been where you are, they know the tricks you play on yourself, and they know how to end them.

Hello, and welcome. I am sorry that you were so hurt by your exhusband's cheating as to leave these scars of jealousy. My experience with cheating has been not as a wife but as a daughter. My dad hurt my mom, and I swore I would not forgive that offence if I happened to me. To me, cheating is a deal breaker.

I think that Cheating is like fire, that needs two elements, fuel and oxigen. That is, in this case, profile and opportunity.

By profile, I mean, your profile, his profile and the profile of your relationship. Is he reliable? Is he trustworthy in other aspects? Is he a flirt? Is he loving? Are you sexually welcoming? Are you fun to be with? How is your sex life? How is your regular life? Do you guys have fun together? These are just examples, and very subjective.

By opportunity I mean, what time does he has available for cheating? This is a matter of mathematics. X number of hours with you, X number of hours for work and commuting, X number of hours for other explained activities, how many hours for unexplained activities? Is he available to you by phone during these hours?

Are there elements of profile or opportunity in your relationship?

Jealousy is a very harmful feeling. It can destroy a relationship. You can communicate with him and explain why you are jealous, but at one point you have to quit expressing your jealousy because it will become a burden to him. My suggestion is to write him a big blank check of TRUST. He seems to deserve it.

Maybe you have played this little game already, but if you have not, you ought to try it. Pick a place, either around the block or around the backyard if it is big enough. Have him close his eyes and you lead him areound while walking. Do not let him open his eyes (have him wear a blindfold if he must). See if he trusts you. Then invert the roles. Do you trust him?

thankyou for writing... I am very careful to not blame or accuse my partner, he is aware and sensitive to what is going on in my head though because knows how much I have been kinda wrecked in the past. It more so just eats me up on the inside but I try not to show it because I do know how negative it is.

yes, my mother was abusive alcoholic (+drugs) as well, father left when I was little which devastated me as a little girl. I know I have issues, know its me who is damaged, but I have been going to couselling for 15 years now (different types/people)...have read hundreds of books, been to support groups, but I'm still pretty much in the same place...

"Are there elements of profile or opportunity in your relationship?"


Hi and thanku for ur reply. reading your post we do have a good profile. a great one even. I know this so why am I still not trusting it I dont know?!? i wish i could just erase those thought and feelings from myself (like a defrag or something!).

When he is away, does he accept calls from you? Does he hide his cell phone or cell phone bill?

If not then...
I understand the fear. Unfortunately men don't have a low percentage of fidelity. However, do you want to live in fear or live in the "now"? Let's say that the worst happened. If you have healthy self esteem, you would be hurt but you would go on. It would seem like the end of the world but it would not be.

Now, what if you lived in fear and suspicion and your guy NEVER cheated. There would be all that pain and worry that would be unhealthy to your relationship, and not much fun for you either.

So the realistic and best approach is to not necessarily trust your partner but to trust yourself. You must trust that the future is not controllable and all you can do is control your thinking. Every time you have NEEDLESS fear, replace it with something positive.

Unless the signs (first paragraph) are there, start living each day, one day at a time and be happy.

I do hear and understand what everyone is saying... well i guess there have been little things that have concerned me..

a couple of months ago I was expecting a message to his phone from somenone, when a message was received he passed his phone straight to me, I opened text.. but it said.. 'i haven't heard from you in ages, i can't talk right now because he is with me, but i miss you'... it wasn't for me.

I gave his phone back and said sorry it is for you, he looked at it and got really worried that i was upset and said it wasn't meant for him and that it was probably from a dating site where he did a fun romance combatibility test by text and they keep sending him messages like this. (it was from an odd looking number)

he always has a good explanation for little things like this (a few have happened), and i do try to trust him... but things like that 'never' happen to me... why is that?

He lied to me once a about 2 years ago about spending the day at the beach with his friends while I was at work... I couldn't understand why he would lie because it was a pretty normal thing for him to do anyway.. he said he thought i would be upset becuase he used my car (which is nothing unusual, we both use each others cars alot). I don't think we have been quite the same since he lied that day.... now I know he is capable of doing it when he feels he needs to.

all i can do is believe him or not, and I, but I don't feel good about it and don't quite know how to tell if I am just over- sensitive to things like this because of my past or my intuition is telling me something. guess I just need to make a choice to trust or not like everyone is saying...

I do hear and understand what everyone is saying... well i guess there have been little things that have concerned me..

a couple of months ago I was expecting a message to his phone from somenone, when a message was received he passed his phone straight to me, I opened text.. but it said.. 'i haven't heard from you in ages, i can't talk right now because he is with me, but i miss you'... it wasn't for me.

I gave his phone back and said sorry it is for you, he looked at it and got really worried that i was upset and said it wasn't meant for him and that it was probably from a dating site where he did a fun romance combatibility test by text and they keep sending him messages like this. (it was from an odd looking number)

he always has a good explanation for little things like this (a few have happened), and i do try to trust him... but things like that 'never' happen to me... why is that?

He lied to me once a about 2 years ago about spending the day at the beach with his friends while I was at work... I couldn't understand why he would lie because it was a pretty normal thing for him to do anyway.. he said he thought i would be upset becuase he used my car (which is nothing unusual, we both use each others cars alot). I don't think we have been quite the same since he lied that day.... now I know he is capable of doing it when he feels he needs to.

all i can do is believe him or not, and I, but I don't feel good about it and don't quite know how to tell if I am just over- sensitive to things like this because of my past or my intuition is telling me something. guess I just need to make a choice to trust or not like everyone is saying...

When I read your first post, and the one about not getting anywhere with the counseling, I thought perhaps you just needed a new counselor who would be more effective. Now that I've read this last post I feel differently.

The reason you're having those nagging doubts is because your gut is telling you that something isn't right. Listen to your instincts instead of trying to fight them. The text message was a red flag. I can't imagine why a dating site would send such a message. Does that make sense to you? You also say that you're aware of one occasion where he lied to you, and you realized that he has the capability of lying to you if needed. It sounds to me as if you don't trust this man. I also believe that you feel badly because you have met someone whom you thought was different from your ex, but who is also not trustworthy.

Incidentally, you might really need a new counselor with a new approach. It will be important for you to find out why you have picked men whom you can't trust.

I agree with Suki. Usually our gut instinct identifies things subconciously that we can't even put our finger on in normal conscious life.

Please, hon....do NOT think of yourself as "unbelievably stupid" for trusting as you did with your ex. You were SOOOOO young when you married him, he was your "all" because of that....and you wanted to believe that he would be faithful. I am like you in that I trust people to a FAULT sometimes...believing the best in them all the way up until that hit me with the real truth of who they are (and even then, I sometimes try to make excuses to myself for their bad behavior:( )

You do have a history that will make you sensitive to certain aspects of your relationships now. But, you also have a couple of incidents of lying, or possibly not coming clean from your current bf. I can see why you'd wonder and worry.

Couples counseling would help get everything on the table for you both. Would he go?

I truly hope that you can get the peace you deserve, and I'm so sorry you were emotionally abused for so many years by a creep. You are a wonderful, valuable woman who deserves the truth from the man you love. I wish you the best outcome with this.

K

my intuition is telling me somethingYes, I think you are right. I am sorry that you are going through this.

All I can say is that when my intuition told me the same, I outwardly became very trusting. But I went into action and followed up on my 'clues'. I can't live outwardly one way and internally another. :(

I will be the devil's advocate now. There are people who lie about minor things when they think they will get in trouble, but are not doing really major things.

The text message sounds to me like the message of an old friend who seems to have a bf herself. To me, it does not sound romantic. Perhaps knowing that you are jealous he has hid this friendship from you. Still not good but not cheating in the technical sense of the word.

I think that Yellowrose has a good idea of checking his cellphone numbers, but for myself, this is a road that I never wanted to pursue, it can become an obsession... where does it stop? checking cell once a week, once a day, every few hours, checking email accounts, internet history, installing spyware in computer, following him in your car, smelling his clothes, hiring a detective...

Hmmm...I don't know where to fall on this one. Having been through some serious stuff in the first year of my marriage and still working on rebuilding the trust, I would be suspicious myself. I tend to agree with Yellowrose, however. I would start checking his cell phone randomly, and if he has no objections, that would go a long way to establishing innocence. If anything is really going on, he will not tolerate your "invasion of his privacy".

He may indeed have an old "friend" he hasn't told you about. If that's the case, he needs to tell you about it now. Personally, and I know this is an unpopular attitude, I don't susbscribe to the belief that a male and female can be "just friends" for any length of time, especially if the "friendship" involves going out together and spending time with each other without their own mates. (Our marriage counselor was also of the same opinion. She said it was "very difficult for such friendships to remain platonic.")

I would also discuss with him the issue of honesty and how important it is to trust. You should both understand what honesty means to you and the consequences of lying, even little lies.

Good luck with things. I also think couple' s counseling would be a help.

I only checked the cell phone once, by checking the monthly statement. And when he said he would be at place "A", I checked that out also, without his knowledge.

My intuition has always been right, unfortunately. So I never had to obsessively continue to do those things.