Hey everyone

I'm an "old" member but haven't been around for a couple of years. Some other people who have been around awhile may remember me. I just wanted to pop in and give an update.

I recently ended a three-year relationship with a guy I met on this site. I still care about him, but it wasn't working and it wasn't going to start working. We just see things too differently and can't deal with each other's specific faults. So I moved out and got my own apartment, and am living by myself for the first time ever, which is pretty cool so far. Of course, it'll be better once I get all the boxes unpacked. :D I moved from Texas to Florida about a year and a half ago and am in a master's program in biology, hoping to be finished by next May, after which I'll be off somewhere else in pursuit of a Ph.D.

In the last few months I've gotten back in touch with the guy who first led me to seek this community out, after not seeing him for over three years. For the people who don't know or don't remember: he's 47, I'm 27, and we were friends for about two years with about four months of quasi-dating confusion toward the end, when we lost touch. He had a problem with our age difference, which seemed like it was more a problem with his own age than with mine. I found it kind of odd, really. Anyways, I'm still totally, horribly in love with him, he's still 20 years older than me, and now we live halfway across the country from each other as well. Oh, and he's about to move out to Arizona full time. Even better.

I met him for dinner when I was back home for Christmas, hoping I wouldn't want him anymore, but I was very wrong. I'm glad to know him again, but this still sucks. It would be easier to let it go if he didn't seem interested, but it doesn't matter anyways because there's still the age thing, and now there's the distance thing. I'm going to be back home again in late June/early July. Maybe I'll see him again then, but I'm not sure what the point would be. We do get along really well of course, and we're almost exactly the same kind of weird, which is nice. I wish I wasn't so attracted to him, because that makes it impossible to see him as only a friend, but I don't want to let him go again and just not know him at all. I'm not so stuck on him that I'm not attracted to other people, but everyone else seems to fall short - not because he's perfect by any means, but because he's damn near perfect for me.

Anyways, enough of my rambling. I just need to mope about this a bit with people who might understand. I haven't talked to anyone else about it and don't really feel like I can.

Pink Welcome back!!!

I'm so sorry that you and Somenight didn't work out.... but glad that you have found someone you love and care about. Its great to hear an update to see all is well.....

Obviously I don't think your age difference is the issue.. You may have a harder time dealing with the distance.... but that should be over soon as you said. Things will just happen naturally. You guys just may be meant for each other.... and sometimes stepping away a bit may be what you guys needed. Honestly, I would just take things slow and let the cards lay as they may. My husband and I are still married and our son Dennis is 2 1/2 years old.

Glad to see your doing so well in school!

Hi and WB!

i remember you (which is a big deal given my MS and the memory loss, truuuust me, big deal lol) and i especially remember your foo foo'n kitty's lol :D


change is good and wow have you been on the change roller-coaster. good luck and i look forward to hearing more from you!

Thanks, guys. Mer, although I've never really thought our ages were an issue, he's apparently still bothered by it. When we went to dinner in December, he reminded me that he was 47 within the first five minutes - just out of nowhere. Then we got onto other subjects, but later when we were talking about future stuff, he pointed out that he was about to quit working (really, he's just going to quit working for other people and focus on his own projects) and I was just getting started. There wasn't any sort of judgment in that, he just thought it was kind of funny. And it is, really.


The distance thing is the biggest issue, of course. I really think we'd get it together enough to be seeing each other on some level if we were both still in the same town right now. The funny thing is, the school I wanted to go to most for my masters (and would love to go for my Ph.D) is about an hour from where he's moving in Arizona. I came to Florida largely because D wanted to live here and he was giving up so much to come with me that I made that concession. It's been fun here for the most part, but I'm definitely not staying longer than I have to.


In a way I wish I'd just met J for the first time. I feel so different now than I did then. Not just because I'm a little older, but because I'm at a better place emotionally. Back then I was just out of a painful marriage that seriously screwed with my self-confidence, and it was just hard for me to handle that situation at the time. I wonder sometimes what would have been different if the me that I am now was in that same situation.

Sounds like maybe he is having a mid-life crisis... he seems to be making 47 a lot older then it actually is. He is retiring at 47... wow lucky him... maybe you should remind him that the government retirement age says he is still 20 years young. You should ask him what exactly about the age difference bothers him and you two can talk about it. While the long distance thing seems like it actually may be causing a problem that will take some patience to deal with, it sounds like he is just assuming the age difference is going to be a problem or he is insecure about it. I know I usually make my OM's age more of a problem then it is. I always assume it is going to cause us much grief and people are always going to react negatively, but in reality it really doesn't. Maybe if you give him time to see it isn't that big a deal... he will come around.

Robbin I think it's some insecurity in them that when they age we will leave..... I think thats the hardest hurdle to overcome.... its almost like they are trying to look out for you because they care but in reality it's hurting you because you want them.....My husband is 48 turning 49 this year... and It was Me with the insecurities on the age gap .. he has never thought about it .....

I think you just got to keep reassuring him that age is not an issue and ask him to please stop using that...:)

Ah, my fellow pink feline!! Nice to see you! :)

It has always seemed like an insecurity issue. I don't think he's happy about the idea of getting older, and maybe he figures I should care as much about that as he does. It doesn't seem like it could be an issue of what other people would think, because he generally doesn't care what other people think. I would like to know what the issue is exactly, but I have such a hard time bringing it up without feeling presumptuous, or like I'm having to convince him to take me seriously.

I should hear from him in the next day or two - he's out in Arizona and I told him to call me when he got back to tell me about his trip. Before he left he said I should come see his place out there. It's in the mountains surrounded by a national forest - from what I've seen it's absolutely beautiful. If it were physically possible for me to melt into a puddle on the floor, thinking about being out there with him would do it.

Let us know how it goes..... Maybe a visit would be nice right about now :)

Okay, so he didn't call me when he got back from his trip, which is odd (he is forgetful sometimes, though), but he did invite me out in June when he'll be out there. June is looking really busy for me, and I told him what all I have going on, and he said he'd leave it up to me, and I should figure out if and when I could come out and we'd go from there. He's going to be out there for a week but hasn't decided what days yet. So I told him when I could make it and haven't heard back since Tuesday. I'm really trying to be patient and not put any pressure on him, and not give in too much to the need to "stay on his radar." It's a little frustrating because we talk about absolutely everything, except me and him. I want to ask if he still thinks I'm too young for him, which doesn't seem like a big thing, but something stops me from even bringing it up. I just don't even want to remind him about our age difference. Maybe I should wait until we get this scheduling situation under control first.

So maybe just ask him about the relationship not the age difference ?

So maybe just ask him about the relationship not the age difference ?
Because that's pressure. I don't want to have the "what am I to you" discussion. I know if I was more patient last time and just let things progress naturally things might have worked out differently. So I don't want to do the same thing this time and try to get him to put some kind of definition on it, because I'm not sure what that would be. I feel like the odds are over 50% that he'd let our age difference and the distance be an obstacle again. And I understand, at least about the distance thing. That seems pretty massive to me as well.

The age thing I still don't get though. It just doesn't seem like it should be a problem: neither of us want kids, my dad is old enough to be his dad, my oldest brother is 5 years younger than him, my parents wouldn't care (my dad, at 62, was seeing a 21 year old a few years ago!) and they don't try to tell me what to do anyways, he doesn't have kids and hasn't ever been married (although I have been married, ironically) ,our interests and lifestyles are bizarrely similar, and my cultural references are closer to those of his generation than my own. He knows my ex is 42, but didn't make any comments about that really. He had assumed when I said I was still sort of involved with someone, that he was the same age as me. I do wonder what he thinks about that. I can see on one hand that it might make him feel better about our age difference, but on the other hand, maybe he just thinks I've just got a thing for older guys and it's not really him that I'm interested in.

And about inviting me out to Arizona, well I don't even know what to think about that. It's not something a reasonable person would do if he just wanted us to be friends. Not given the attraction we have for each other. But I'm so full of self doubt about this, and he doesn't make anything clear, and I guess he doesn't know what I'm thinking either.

I just hate having all this in my head and not being able to talk about it and get it resolved. Especially right now when I've got so much other stuff I need to concentrate on that I'm thinking about giving up sleep for the next week or so. :p

Sometimes I forget that I know how to flirt. I was flirting with a few people at our regular Friday night hangout last night (including the bartender, which is always a good idea just from a practical standpoint), and it gave me a little confidence. So I wrote him an email today that said this:

Subject: Stop distracting me

"I've got a ton of things to do right now, but I can't get you out of my head. You've even managed to get into a few of my dreams lately. Knock it off. ;-)"


Maybe that will get his attention.

THere you go .. FLirting always works!!!!

I do hope he can get over his fears and you guys can get together...

After I sent that email he still seemed a little oblivious, so I made it much more clear and then asked if he thought there was something wrong with me wanting him. He said no, that he was flattered (bleh! I hate that!), but did I really want to get involved with him and so on. It did take two days for him to write me back about this. He definitely takes his time when he's thinking about something.

We've been emailing more since then, but on Tuesday he mentioned having burned his lip on something he was eating, and I said I wish I could kiss it and make it better, and I haven't heard a thing from him since. I've emailed him a couple of times just about random stuff like normal, but nothing. WTF. Maybe he's just busy or something. I don't know. He's not the kind to play games or anything. I just don't know what to think. Maybe I'm being paranoid. I'm almost worried about him. Did he fall off the planet? Maybe I should call him tomorrow. Maybe not. Grrrrrrrrrr.

Oh Dear - sounds like your really having a rough time with him pinkpanther! Maybe you should back off a bit and let him suddenly realise he's missing YOU! (Warning: this could take a few months:o ) When my OM goes on about his age (but he is much older than yours!) I remind him that if we were married I would have loved him when we were young and first married,:yes: then I would have loved him more when we were middled aged - and by old age I would be still in love with him - so why cant I love him now. To love someone is a statement of emotion - NOT a statement of how soon he's going to snuff it: cos if thats the case I might have to run under a bus and beat him to it just to prove my point:tongue2: (joking of course!) That seemed to work. I also tell him I see him for him (the person he is) and he certainly doesnt have a big sign over his head saying 75:no: Good luck hun - I hope it works out for you in the best way for YOU.

I think I'm going to kill him. He just wrote me back. He's been really busy at work and doing a bunch of remodeling at his condo. And I'm over here all tied up in knots thinking he's avoiding me for some reason. :aaaaaaack: