They pull me back in...

Hi everyone, I am new here and am finding - after spending a few days reading through the history of posts - that this is where I belong!

So: Hoping to get feedback on the following:

I am a 36-yr old woman, divorced for 9 years now, and have a 14 yrs old son. Since my marriage ended, I seem to have trouble connecting romantically with men my age or older. I like older guys, and have dated several of them, but it never works out. I cannot identify the reasons why this is, but it is so.

During the last 9 years, I have had two significant relationships - both with younger men: 1) 7-yr diff, 2) 9-yr diff...and now I find myself in another AGR, this time with a man 11 years younger. [Hmm...I just noticed I'm going down/up the scale in increments of 2...interesting]

Anyway, what I want to get at is that my last relationship with 9-yr gap guy ended pretty badly. In short: He broke my heart; the relationship shattered after 2.5 years, when he abandoned the relationship. No third parties, big deceptions, or evil conduct; he just decided he wanted out. It ended 3 years ago and I have not opened myself up to anyone since then. This year though, I have put myself out there in hopes of finding a long-term guy, and frankly, have decided to stay away from YM altogether...but...

Two months ago I met a guy at a business event. I was immediately attracted but didn't give him any positive signals. Despite my aloofness though, he pursued me all evening and wouldn't get out of my space. I must admit, the chemistry was electrifying and I enjoyed his company very much. We exchanged information and made loose plans to see each other the next evening. On my way home, I made the decision that I would go out with him just for fun. Nothing else. I tried to get out of the date the next day but he wouldn't have it, so we saw each other and ...being the charming young man that he is, he managed to get under my skin.

Well now the "fun" just took a turn into something else. We've spent every Friday night together since our first date and last night he--very strategically--conveyed that he wants me exclusively. I have mixed feelings about this b/c I am very afraid of getting hurt again but also want to be exclusive only with someone with whom there is real potential for long-term...like LIFETIME LONG-TERM. My last relationship was extremely complex and after much reflexion, I realize that I let it go on too long - to my own detriment. I always knew deep down that it had no lifetime long-term potential, but I grew complacent.

My biggest fear is that I'll be a training ground for this new guy -- as I believe I was for my last guy. I'm not getting any younger, and I have that strong desire to find the one whom I will grow old with. It seems impossible that this will happen with a 25 yr old. I really like him, and feel I could fall in love with him very quickly if I allow myself. He's a good kid, raised very well by his parents, but just now coming out of his shell and growing into the man he will soon become. I am afraid that that man will not find a place in his life for me in the future. Or will he? Is it worth the risk?

What I would like to know from people here is: Are these feelings of hesitation normal for OW, especially after multiple AGR? How do you identify the YM who are looking only for the experience? How do you remain guarded? What are the strategies for exiting before you become complacent with a dead-end situation?

Hmm.

My biggest fear is that I'll be a training ground for this new guy -- as I believe I was for my last guy. I'm not getting any younger, and I have that strong desire to find the one whom I will grow old with. It seems impossible that this will happen with a 25 yr old.

It is possible to be both training ground and happily, married to a much younger man.

Welcome to AL!

Love,

Marcy happily married to a 21 yo Devon

Oh and only YOU know if he's worth the risk...

Well...it might work out and it might not.

We don't have a crystal ball for that. But don't let pain of a breakup stop you from taking a risk on love. Everything in our life is a risk. Pain is hard to get over but you know, it is part of life. All we can do is dust ourselves off and keep going. Remember he's taking a risk on you too, ok maybe not as big a risk from your standpoint but a risk nevertheless.

let the baggage go...allow yourself to be happy again...if you want a long term relationship, tell him so, sit down with him and talk it over with him, not us. Only he can tell you where he's at right now. Yes, he may change his mind later, or you can...but if you can cultivate a postive attitude, even a breakup is a lesson in learning and growing. No one is immune to hurts and pain in this life. We can take it personally and let some good guy get away from us or we can turn it back to a lesson well learned and work on yourself in a new relationship. Choose.

But don't let past hurts sabotage what could be a potentially good relationship. You think hurts are bad, regrets are even harder to live with.

Paris

This is so interesting. I never thought that I'd be attracted to a younger man, but I find myself SO drawn to a MUCH younger man. However, he confuses me to no end. First I know we're just friends, then I think he's interested, then last night I thought we made headway into something more, then - tonight he pretty much told me there's no hope at all.

I really do hope that you get it straightened out and find your happiness.

Hi, LilyBart, and welcome, from another Californian :)

I've dated a few younger guys as well, and have come to terms with the fact that they are a preference of mine. While many of them do want the experience of being with an older woman because right now that seems to be socially desirable, I've found those ones are pretty easy to spot. I also recognize where you are in terms of your fear of being hurt...I spent a LONG time where you are, actually...and all I can tell you is, there are no guarantees.

What I would like you to ask yourself is, rather than hoping this fellow is all that and into you for the long haul, what about you? Is *he* long term material? Can you see yourself with him for 5/10/15+ years? Are there any red flags? A lot of times when we come out of a situation smarting, we forget our own self worth, as well as our own power. You have some shots you can call, too. Since you don't know what his thoughts on all of this are, examine your own. You want a long term relationship. Do you see yourself happy with him down the road?

One other thing...because we've been hurt and have had drama, we sometimes want so much to just find something peaceful. But because of the pain and uncertainty we can't seem to get out of it. It becomes a rut. Why not just sit back and enjoy? If it's still fairly new, just be with him and get a feeling as to whom he really is. Do you laugh a lot with him? Do you enjoy his company? Does thinking about him make you smile? If not, why not? Sometimes I think we worry so much about making a mistake in our lives that we forget to live it, enjoy it, relish it.

Enjoy. Gain something from this. That's really all you owe yourself.

all we really have is right now. you're living in a future you may or may not have...so there's that....but meanwhile, i think commonalities are the biggest connector to a significant other.

talk to him about his goals in life (career, personal, health, spiritual, etc... whatever is important to you) and find out how he sees his future. that will start to give you clues about whether or not this is someone YOU want to be with over the long haul.

I am a 36-yr old woman, divorced for 9 years now, and have a 14 yrs old son. Since my marriage ended, I seem to have trouble connecting romantically with men my age or older. I like older guys, and have dated several of them, but it never works out. I cannot identify the reasons why this is, but it is so.

During the last 9 years, I have had two significant relationships - both with younger men: 1) 7-yr diff, 2) 9-yr diff...and now I find myself in another AGR, this time with a man 11 years younger. [Hmm...I just noticed I'm going down/up the scale in increments of 2...interesting]

What I would like to know from people here is: Are these feelings of hesitation normal for OW, especially after multiple AGR? How do you identify the YM who are looking only for the experience? How do you remain guarded? What are the strategies for exiting before you become complacent with a dead-end situation?

Welcome!

Okay...I know that AGRs certainly have issues specific to the nature of these type of relationships. However....from what you have written above, it seems clear that there is a general pattern here....problems with relationships with men period...old, young, and in-between. So perhaps you need to focus on the character traits of the men you choose...and not necessary their respective ages. Also, the patterns in your relationships that you experience or the choices you yourself make.

You seem to want to know about exit strategies and escape routes without getting hurt...so it sounds like you yourself have some commitment issues. You need to focus on ways to build the friendship and emotional/intellectual bond you develop with a man to build the relationship into a strong, solid one that has depth. Why worry about the end, when the beginning is just starting and the middle has not even been touched on yet? It's like putting the cart before the horse. The beginning is when you need to figure out if you even want there to be a "middle"....not where you expect some garuantee of how it will or will not end. No one can know that so early on.

And I agree about evaluating the man to see if he's even "acceptable" as a potential long-term partner. You need to sit down and start a list of all the qualities and criteria that are important to you as well as what you absolutely need from the relationship and start from there.

I find that I have two choices in life. To do nothing and never be hurt or to live life to the fullest and take the knocks when they come. I have been hurt in the past, big time. But I have had the time of my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

That said, one thing I regret is investing all my feelings so early in the relationship. Two months is too soon to commit in my experience. Give it another 6 months or so. I am not saying date others. I am saying don't promise any 'I love you FOREVER'S'. ;)

That said, one thing I regret is investing all my feelings so early in the relationship. Two months is too soon to commit in my experience. Give it another 6 months or so. I am not saying date others. I am saying don't promise any 'I love you FOREVER'S'. ;) excellent advice :yes:

That said, one thing I regret is investing all my feelings so early in the relationship. Two months is too soon to commit in my experience. Give it another 6 months or so. I am not saying date others. I am saying don't promise any 'I love you FOREVER'S'. ;)

Just wanted to say hi and welcome to Ageless.

I, like Ohio, have to agree with this post containing excellent advice. Everytime I've regretted someone I realize it's because I wanted it so bad that I was willing to throw all my eggs into the basket and rush things.

That said, I am in a relationship with a VYM and most definitely am training ground for him. But, I think it should be said that he is also training ground for me in many ways. And you may find that this man may be that for you. Just because you are the older one doesn't mean he can't bring many new experiences to the equation.

Like any other relationship, it can be done, quite successfully, when both parties are dedicated to it. And that type of dedication transcends any age gap.

Yes, I had a lot of hesitation about my relationship. But I think the only way you can find out his true intents is to give the relationship a try. I know that you worry because you were burnt by your last YM, but avoiding this one because of a past experience isn't fair to either of you. Time will bring to light whether this guy is a user. So if you take the relationship slow you can keep yourself somewhat guarded in that way.

And I have that same fear that I'm not getting younger and what-if this guy wastes 5 years of my life only for me to be alone again? But like irparis said, it's the risk you take when you love someone. Everyone has that potential, regardless of age, so do you avoid the relationship because of a what-if?

In my case, my YM is teaching me things about love and myself that I don't think I would've ever discovered on my own. I am experiencing the most honest relationship that I've ever had in my life. Even if this relationship doesn't last I will always be thankful for the experience.

And that's been my biggest lesson from this. Love is too precious to worry about how long it has to last to make it worth it. Sometimes it just doesn't last forever. And I'm finally okay with that.

So give him a chance to prove what he is or isn't. Maybe he's the one or maybe he's the training ground for what you want? ;)

I went into my relationship with my YM banking that I would be training him for the next one to come along. I was so resistant to the relationship at first, but his persistance pulled me in.

I too have a long line of broken relationships and I SWORE I would never marry again. But here I am happily married to my YM. Was is worth the risk? Hell yes! Even if it didn't work out, I'm a better person because I knew him.

What's the line "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". Every relationship we have is a building block in the person we are. Who knows, maybe he's training ground for you. Maybe there's something you can learn from him. I thought I was gonna shape and mold my YM, then send him on his way so the next woman could say WOW! Instead I wound up learning some valuable life lessons from him, like love fearlessly, don't take today for granted, etc!

Go easy on yourself, take your time, but live life and have fun. If you get hurt, then that was a lesson you needed to learn. If you keep getting hurt over and over for the same reasons, then you haven't learned that lesson yet. I'm so guilty of that.

Welcome to this site. I just joined and have found a lot of great people here! Keep coming back!:)

Thank you, ladies. These are all valid and logical points...but when it comes to feelings, who is logical?

You're right in that I shouldn't let past hurts affect my present - it is in the past, but we all know that's easier said than done. I consider myself to be a strong, emotionally well-adjusted and rational woman. No weakling here. But Rosebud has touched a nerve: maybe I am avoiding a commitment. After all, it has been three years since my last committed relationship. Hmmm. I will keep a close eye on this.

But I guess the most sensible answer here is that I give it more time, get to know him better before I make a serious move. When we had the exclusivity chat, I danced around the issue and gave him no definite answer. Today he called and invited me to a weekend getaway, this coming weekend, with his twin brother and some friends. I like him more than I care to admit it (damn it), but definitely need more time before I make a commitment of exclusivity.

For those of you wondering: I have not dated anyone but him in the last two months--for me that's some serious business. Then again, all date proposals have come from younger guys, and I'm trying hard to reform myself!

Will keep you posted.

Lilybart, I'm 35 and in an 11 yr old age gap relationship. 5 years prior I was engaged to and had my heart broken by someone who was 8 years younger than me. The best thing that did for me was to make me go slow in this relationship. It was about 9 months until my YM finally got me to be exclusive with him...

Now we're going on 14 months and I'm still gun-shy at times, but he's only shown me love and reliability. My trust has grown by leaps and bounds. I think the urge that you feel to find "the one" must be a function of our age, because I feel the same thing. I think going slow is the *best* way to get there.

Good luck!

Thank you, ladies. These are all valid and logical points...but when it comes to feelings, who is logical?

You're right in that I shouldn't let past hurts affect my present - it is in the past, but we all know that's easier said than done. I consider myself to be a strong, emotionally well-adjusted and rational woman. No weakling here. But Rosebud has touched a nerve: maybe I am avoiding a commitment. After all, it has been three years since my last committed relationship. Hmmm. I will keep a close eye on this.

Lily, it's been longer than 3 years for me since a committed relationship. I am working on my commitment and trust issues right now, but it's rough, I know. I try not to let past hurts affect my judgment as well, but I don't know what else to base my decisions on.

judging him on your past boyfriend is carrying the baggage from the past to the present, thats not fair, he is not the same person and the only similiar trait is that he is in his 20's.

i can introduce you to two different men exactly the same age in the thirties and one can be a dog and the other a prince, dont blame your new boyfriend for the actions of the old one.

enjoy the moment and see where it takes you, you may have found a wonderful person, but at least let your heart open to the experience.

I dated a guy, he was great, but he was just 25 so I told him I didn't think another date would be a good idea. He wanted to start a relationship with me, I was 53 at the time. He told me he wanted kids eventually, I told him I couldn't have any, 1st problem. So we went our separate ways, dated others, then he comes back, says he really feels we should think about this, about starting a relationship as he hasn't met any women he likes and I was having problems meeting guys I liked, that he thought we'd be good together. Hmmmm, but then there was that problem looming about him wanting kids. This was a very matur 25 year old, he had the great job, worked with law enforcement officers, was their boss, educated guy, spoke quite articulately, a plus, I always liked an intelligent man. But...I decided it wasn't the right decision. That wanting kids thing still loomed in the back of my head and well...it would not have been right, to take away his dream like that of having his own children. All I could offer was to adopt a child. Anyways, I think since you are in your 30s and he is in his 20s that the age gap is not awful at all, you should take a chance. I took a chance on a 32 year old, we are still friends, but...I broke it off after just 10 months, I was ready to settle down, he just saw me as a good friend. Yes, I was very heartbroken, loved him to pieces. You have to take risks in your life though to find love, I was glad I at least took that risk even though it wasn't ever going to work out. I got complacent too as you. Take a risk, it might fulfill your life with love, you just never know. Talk to the guy about what you want in your life, basically where your head is at, see if his feelings are the same. Just don't give sex freely in the beginning, that way you will know if his intentions are honorable or not. That's the only way I could weed out the players. Good luck to you. Enjoy dating your young man, I say go for it, what do you have to lose? You just have love to gain.