Emotional investment after let-downs

I posted about the man I am currently spending time with, the one who is 22 years younger than me. When we met, I thought that he was only 12 years younger. We would talk frequently, and when he started suggesting some activities that he and I could do together, I figured it would be nice to make a new friend. After we did get together a few times, he mentioned on the phone one day that he expected to be moving back to his hometown, which is over 3 hours away, next month. I then knew for sure that "we" were not going anywhere. I figured that we could keep in touch (if he agreed) since I visit his hometown from time to time. So I decided not to get too attached, and that he would be a good male friend to have.

One thing I became aware of - and I do this with other people also - is that I kept waiting for him to disappoint me. I have had a history of relationships where this happened, both platonic and romantic. This may sound crazy, but I drove myself nuts waiting for him to let me down as well. When he would show up or call when he said he would, I would be surprised. Pleased, but surprised nonetheless. Including one time he said that he was on his way to bring me something, and I left the house to run an errand anyway, figuring that he would not show up. He did, and he left messages. I didn't do that again. Well, finally it has happened. We were speaking on the phone one day last week, either Wed or Thur, when he said that his parents had just arrived for a visit. He wanted to go spend time with them, and he told me that he would call me back on the weekend. He has not. It's twisted, but I am relieved in a way. Imagine waiting for the other shoe to drop & then it finally does. That's how I'm feeling.

There's another catch. He has just told me that he will be trying for some shows here, and that there is a part in one of them that would be perfect for me. I know that if he gets it, and there's a good chance that he could, that there is no way that he would be moving next month. Plus we would be working together again. I am not sure whether it's a good sign, or if I'm just seeing what I want to see.

When this man first revealed his age, my first thought was, why is he here wanting to hang around with someone my age? Perhaps any of you have felt this way? I also felt stronger about us being friends. Now I'm afraid that I'm starting to invest myself emotionally. One time I did that with a YM, it turned out that he did not feel the same & was happily seeing other women. I had lived with a different YM who continued to see other women by behaving as if he and I were just roommates (although I didn't know it initially). I am continuing to meet other people because I don't want to spend time with one man only, but no luck so far in that department (datewise). Right now, YM & I have plans to meet this coming weekend.

Any thoughts? How do I keep myself from getting too involved? I already keep my time down with him so that I get together with other friends as well.

Wow, I understand COMPLETELY what you are saying.

Regarding your expectation that he would let you down, I think some of us have a way of sabotaging things for ourselves. Keep this in mind: A self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that, in being made, actually causes itself to become true. STOP EXPECTING TO BE LET DOWN.

Now it seems like you have another opportunity with him since he's putting off the move. Yes, you are gun-shy (I'm sure you've read my initial post (http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?t=30523)...so we're on the same boat), but the situation seems to be over before it even begins unless you give it a good shot.

Let's make a deal you and I...since we're kinda feeling the same hesitation. Let's give our guys a shot, a little bit at a time, not giving too much too fast. Let's give them an opportunity to show us what they are made of. We may still end up getting hurt, but life without risk is a life without growth. Don't you agree?

Good luck.

I can certainly understand this situation. I have a casual YM platonic friend, 20 years younger than me, that I had developed feelings for and still do have feelings for...but I have learned to manage my feelings. I've known him for more than two years now. I don't really want to go into details, I have written in the past about him on Ageless.

But to make a long story short, I'm really happy that we have kept the relationship platonic. Also when we first met, I was still living with my Ex-BF of several years so I wasn't available anyway and I really had nothing but platonic friendship to offer any man at that time.

About a year ago, my YM friend announced that he was thinking of leaving town for a possible job opportunity, so at that point, I kept my distance emotionally. We continued to have what I'd call a light platonic friendship, with some underlying romantic tension. We never discussed each other's respective dating lives, so I have no idea whether he was dating or what his relationships with other women were like. He has never really spoken about other women. I've never told him about other men, even though I have had some dates and men I have been interested in besides him during this time...although like you nothing has really developed or just haven't met the right guy. I think I'm basically not quite ready after the end of my long-term relationship (10 years).

Various things have occurred and my YM friend has decided to stay in town for the timebeing. We are just now getting more reacquainted. We are both involved in a mutual creative pursuit (like you and your friend) and had been meeting every week, sometimes 2-3 times a week for a while, but some health issues occurred on his end that caused him to be out of commission for a while but we still kept in touch here and there.

I think in these type of situations, there is usually not one specific reason, such as an age-gap or some other thing that we might attribute to the relationship not fully progressing. Usually, it's a mutual hesitation. Sometimes women get into the mindset that it's because the man is commitmentphobic or it's because of the age-gap or because she thinks her boobies aren't big enough...but more than likely it's a mutual insecurity, fear, and misconceptions and second guessed assumptions that are the culprit.

The thing is that you can't expect to build a bond with someone, if you are looking for ways not to get involved. If it's something that is potentially worthwhile and meaningful, then you have to get involved. Just keep some communication open between your heart and your head...and you should be able to get through it without too many scars. However, in life...if you are a healthy, living, breathing human being, you will have to face a few bruises...especially if you expect to love and be loved.:)

About a year ago, my YM friend announced that he was thinking of leaving town for a possible job opportunity, so at that point, I kept my distance emotionally. We continued to have what I'd call a light platonic friendship, with some underlying romantic tension. We never discussed each other's respective dating lives, so I have no idea whether he was dating or what his relationships with other women were like. He has never really spoken about other women. I've never told him about other men, even though I have had some dates and men I have been interested in besides him during this time...although like you nothing has really developed or just haven't met the right guy....

....Various things have occurred and my YM friend has decided to stay in town for the time being. We are just now getting more reacquainted. We are both involved in a mutual creative pursuit (like you and your friend) and had been meeting every week, sometimes 2-3 times a week for a while, but some health issues occurred on his end that caused him to be out of commission for a while but we still kept in touch here and there.


That does sound a lot like my situation.:yes:


I think in these type of situations, there is usually not one specific reason, such as an age-gap or some other thing that we might attribute to the relationship not fully progressing. Usually, it's a mutual hesitation. Sometimes women get into the mindset that it's because the man is commitmentphobic or it's because of the age-gap or because she thinks her boobies aren't big enough...but more than likely it's a mutual insecurity, fear, and misconceptions and second guessed assumptions that are the culprit.

The thing is that you can't expect to build a bond with someone, if you are looking for ways not to get involved. If it's something that is potentially worthwhile and meaningful, then you have to get involved. Just keep some communication open between your heart and your head...and you should be able to get through it without too many scars. However, in life...if you are a healthy, living, breathing human being, you will have to face a few bruises...especially if you expect to love and be loved.:)

This all makes sense.

I know that I have a bad habit of not asking the questions I have on my mind, although I like & expect people to be direct with me. For example, when he told me, "I'm only 20", my first thought was to ask him why he was wanting to hang out with someone my age. A legitimate question-but then I stopped myself.

Thanks, Rosebud!:)

Wow, I understand COMPLETELY what you are saying.

Regarding your expectation that he would let you down, I think some of us have a way of sabotaging things for ourselves. Keep this in mind: A self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that, in being made, actually causes itself to become true. STOP EXPECTING TO BE LET DOWN.

Now it seems like you have another opportunity with him since he's putting off the move. Yes, you are gun-shy (I'm sure you've read my initial post (http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?t=30523)...so we're on the same boat), but the situation seems to be over before it even begins unless you give it a good shot.

Let's make a deal you and I...since we're kinda feeling the same hesitation. Let's give our guys a shot, a little bit at a time, not giving too much too fast. Let's give them an opportunity to show us what they are made of. We may still end up getting hurt, but life without risk is a life without growth. Don't you agree?

Good luck.

Lily, I think you have a good point about the self-fulfilling prohecy. I think I want to take a risk, but don't want to take a risk, you know?

OK, deal! :wink2: I'll be fair, give him a chance, if you'll do the same! I did read your initial post. I took a risk not too long ago with a different YM. I don't want to get into it, but things were not going to work out with him. I had enjoyed the time I spent being around him though. Afterwards, I found that I was bolder, much less inhibited due to his influence. So he did come into my life for a reason, it was just not for the reason of a long term relationship.

Good luck and keep me posted. For me, it's an emotional roller coaster. Last night I felt like just running away from him--while he held me in his arms and said he wants to make me happy. This morning, I'm ambivalent, not sure if I will end up going with him on the weekend trip. I want to "come up with the flu" or other excuse, but again, that would not be giving it a chance, and certainly a way of sabotage.
:confused:
Do you feel like that -- the see-saw effect? How do you handle it?