Major Meltdowns!

Some of you know the story of my breakup (gruesome details available in November and December posts), but not all that's happening in the rest of my life. My wonderful mom has advanced vascular dementia and end-stage Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia and is doing very poorly right now, although she has already outlived the grim prognosis (2 to 3 months) we received in September, only a week after the devastating breakup of my 6 year relationship with my ex-ym. She had suffered a medical setback only weeks before I was dumped, which made the breakup ever so much more emotionally draining for me. My ex-ym went from tenderly holding me in his arms to comfort me until I fell asleep to saying "I love you BUT... I need a wife and kids".

Anyhow....I have, over the last couple of weeks, had several major meltdowns (precipitated by my beloved mom's condition) that have resulted in me literally aching for my ex-ym. I know it's a sad state of affairs, but I'm sure some of you have been there....having a life crisis soon after a breakup and getting all weepy about what you're about to lose and what you've already lost. I have every intention of keeping my no contact rule. I know I can't handle contact, I know it won't be good for me, and I know he has to move on with his life without me as much as that hurts. That doesn't make the feelings go away during my meltdowns.

I am no longer seeing my counsellor, as both she and I feel I'm strong enough to make it on my own now (at least in regards to the breakup of the relationship). I have a couple of long-time close friends who have had very wet houlders recently (if you can't cry on your friends' shoulders, whose can you?), but I just needed to vent here...somewhere where people understand the dynamics of a ow/ym relationship, and how life-altering that experience can be. I'm not looking for sympathy....just some support at a really low point in my life. Losing my only living parent, regardless of the fact that I have been grieving since 2003 the loss of the mom I grew up with because of the dementia, is really tough on me.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this, GoldDust. :(

I think I can understand. The loss of my own relationship is tangled up not only with the loss of love but also the loss of my YM as my research partner on the project about my father (whose loss through suicide I'm still processing and probably will continue to process all my life). My YM was the strong shoulder to cry on through the difficult phases of my project. So for me it is all a messy entanglement of deep loss of the two most important men in my life.

I very much need my therapist's help getting through this. Perhaps you should reconsider picking up your therapy again?

Edited to add: When my mother was ill and dying (multiple complications of diabetes plus dementia), I joined a caregivers support group for three years of bimonthly meetings. Of all the people I turned to for support during that long hard time, that support group was by far the most solid. Can you try to find such a group in your area?

GoldDust:

As others here would undoubtedly say:

I'm not only familiar with "the dynamics of a ow/ym relationship, and how life-altering that experience can be" but also with the way that 'everything seems to happen at once'.

Nutshell: Two years ago, my relationship with a ym went up in a cloud of vapor, my mom admitted herself to the psych ward, and I lost my job - all within a month. I was pretty much a puddle of mud and was hoping that I'd fall off a cliff. (I'd never do it intentionally...of course.)

I don't know the particulars of your relationship or your breakup but my first thought was: It was in September. If you don't have your hands wrapped around it by now, you should still be in counseling. I don't mean that you might not still be sad or lonely or wistful or..?? But, your mindset should be in place by now. You wrote "I am no longer seeing my counsellor, as both she and I feel I'm strong enough to make it on my own now (at least in regards to the breakup of the relationship). I don't think that EITHER of you is right in this assessment - otherwise...why would it even be coming up as an issue?

I'm imagining my mother or father being ill to the extent that you're describing, and I can't even imagine trying to add in the drama of a relationship situation, such as you're describing. I might miss my ex, be lonely for a cuddle, etc. but I wouldn't go there. Don't do it. Not now. Again, I've not gone back and read about your relationship but now is not the time to be vulnerable on that level. YOU...first.

Girl, you're not done with counseling. I think you know that.

Having several meltdowns over a period of a couple of weeks is clear evidence that you need to be in therapy...for your own good and your own peace of mind and outlet.

Go. Just go. Even if you're not sure what you're there to talk about (even though "having several meltdowns over a period of a couple of weeks"...it would seem to me that you have plenty to unload).

I'm back in counseling after experiencing a short but deep relationship go from 60 to 0 in .5 seconds flat. The focus of our discussions (the ones with my therapist) is not the clear-cut. It's not ex-bf bashing. It's not about dating. It's not even the extreme anguish that I'm experiencing over letting the nuclear bomb of the ending of our relationship bring me to the brink of putting my job (that I LOVE) in jeopardy. It's about...stuff that I thought I'd figured out and dealt with a long time ago. Every time I go I tell her "I'm not sure why I'm here...but I feel like I need to be here."

I'm rambling. I'm sorry that you're experiencing what's going on. Keep your eye on the ball, and know that life happens and everything happens for a reason, and keep going forward...to find out 'why' - if you're lucky.

You can make it through...you know you can. But please consider going back to therapy, at least to see you through. Maybe you need to see someone else. Or maybe you need to let your current/recent therapist know that you're NOT feeling so confident about things.

The relationship and loss of mom is tied together when it comes to these meltdowns.

I wish I could give you a big fat hugg.

GoldDust, honey....I'm so sorry you are going through this tough phase of your grieving process for TWO losses at once (the loss of your dear loving mother as you knew her before dementia, and the loss of your former source of comfort: your ym).

When my exym left, I was still grieving the death of my own mother a year earlier (and crying at least once a week over that)...two days after he walked out, I got a call saying my dad had colon cancer. I literally thought I was going to buckle under the compounded sense of grief I had. Those were dark days...and I also yearned to be back in my ym's arms. I remember breaching my no-contact rule and sending him a brief email saying that my dad had cancer (he knew and loved my dad)...he replied kindly saying he would pray for him and my family, but it was all too "cordial" and I was crushed that he didn't somehow offer to come over and hold me (like he'd always done before).

You are right in your resolve to not contact your exym right now when you are most vulnerable; it won't help, although it feels like it surely would.

Keep crying on those friend's shoulders...and cry here on ours. You have gone through so much all at once. The good news is that you are an amazing, perseverant woman, and you will make it . I agree with SG that calling your counselor up and jumping back in with her - not neccessarily over breakup/ym issues, but with "life-sucks-in-general-right-now" issues would offer you so much support. Do that for yourself before you feel truly overwhelmed, okay?

Hugs going out to ya!:bighug:
Karen

I am no longer seeing my counsellor, as both she and I feel I'm strong enough to make it on my own now (at least in regards to the breakup of the relationship).

I'm sorry for your pain. But I'm surprised with this statement. It seems to me that anyone who posts a thread entitled "Major Meltdowns!" is someone who needs to keep seeing her counselor. I think your decision to stay firm on no contact with the ex is great. However, you definitely need to break the "no contact" rule when it come to your counselor.

I'm thinking that your "feeling" of wanting to find solace in your ex-ym's arms is actually an unconscious need to go back to your counselor. You need to talk to her...or to another counselor, if necessary.

Thanks for all the support! I have talked to my counsellor...it's not that I want to get back with my ex-ym - what's the saying? "Fool me once, shame on you...Fool me twice, shame on me" - it's just that life pretty much sucks right now, and some days it's been really hard to deal with my mom's situation. The compounding factor is the hoops my sister and I have had to go through to get mom the care she needs. I could write pages about that particular stessor. While some people look at the universal health care model in Canada as a good thing, it's not without it's warts and brick walls. Persistance pays off and at least she is now she's in personal care where she's getting the care and support she needs, not that we still aren't advocating for her.

My friends and family recognize that I'm emotionally vulnerable right now. I have a wonderful support system, and my counsellor is wonderful and I don't want to change to another one. When we made the assessment that I was in a really good place, my mom's condition was relatively stable. It was only last week that her health began the downward spiral that caused my meltdowns....and my meltdowns were simply sobbing into my pillow in the evening - I continued to be fully functional at all other times of the day, including going out with friends to have fun (I went out shopping, out to play pool, and out to a fundraising dinner, all with friends, during the last week). My counsellor and I will continue to chat during this very emotional time for me, and my friends will continue to hold me close and comfort me. Several of them have had to deal with the loss of parents with Alzheimers - different from my mom's dementia but still dementia- so they're well aware of how emotional the experience can be during the end stages of life.

The problem is that no matter how much you're prepared for the end of life, it doesn't make it any less painful. It was the same way with my relationship with my ex-ym...after all the work I've done since September, I realize that it just wasn't going to be what I wanted (and hoped and dreamed) it to be, but that didn't lessen the emotional wallop when he called it quits.

I'm doing much better this week, even though my mom's condition continues to worsen. I'm strong, and I can get through this. I know I"m not alone...I have LOTS of support, and the "missing his comfort" has passed, and if it comes back, I have the tools to get past it.

Love to all of you for your kindness and support! Just being part of this amazing community is a tremendous help!!

Oh my goodness you are dealing with a LOT in a very short amount of time. You deserve to have some meltdowns!

I'm so sorry about your mom. I can't imagine what you and your family are going through. I'm glad you have a good support system.

I'm also very glad to hear you called your counselor. That took courage! You're already on your way to healing by taking that step.

Please take care of yourself. Anticipatory grieving is normal, healthy and necessary. Allow yourself to grieve. I'll be thinking about you.:bighug:

We've been working on the "meltdowns" issues, and it's likely not specifically my ex-ym I'm aching for, but just having a partner to share my grief with. I have grief issues around loss (not relationship loss per se, but the loss that comes with serious illness and death).... and I've sublimated a lot of the grief I should have dealt with over the years. It's all about letting go. I'm working on it.

As for my mom's situation... while she's becoming increasingly more frail as the days go on, she's like her mom (my grandmother) - strong heart and not going without a fight.

To all the wonderful people at Ageless who have helped me so much since my relationship dissolved, thank you from the bottom of my heart!! I will be taking a break from Ageless for awhile because my mom is close to the end of her life. We were told at the family/caregiving team meeting that she will likely be gone within 6 weeks or less, since her heart and her liver are now affected, and her other major organs will soon follow. I need to deal with that by spending more time with her, contacting friends and family to update them, and making preliminary arrangements. I'm so very, very sad right now. I would really appreciate if you could keep my family in your thoughts and prayers during this extremely difficult time.

Until we meet again....
GoldDust

Hang in there sweetie. These are hard times. The road is long, but eventually it will turn.

praying right now for you and your family, hon....we're here when you need us....
K

Your situation is painfully saddening. Meltdowns are something you need to process all the saddness! I am praying for you and your family, may you all find peace soon. Please take care of yourself. I do believe having meltdowns are part of that. As Kat said the road will turn.

Regards, Wendy

my thoughts and prayers...

Sending prayers your way for comfort for you and your mom.

My mom's health is continuing to fail and we're trying to enjoy each day she's still with us but after most visits we all leave in tears. However, I'm confronting bigger demons...sadly, we've uncovered the fact that in spite of how well I was doing and the positive steps I was making on my healing, I've regressed...big time.

To recap, the initial breakup occurred during the time I was dealing with a health crisis with my mom. It was only a couple of days after the breakup that we received the news that mom's prognosis was pretty bleak and that we would likely lose her before Christmas. Happily that did not occur, because the effects of the blood transfusion lasted longer than anyone expected. However, the latest prognosis (spelled out in detail as to what to expect and watch for as mom's health fails at the end stage of life) took me right back to the initial breakup, the brief reconciliation, and ultimately, the end of the relationship. It's like a tape that keeps playing over and over in my head. Ultimately it's because I'm feeling abandoned by both my mom and my ex-ym at the same time. It didn't help that last week someone made a chance comment about him going away for the weekend with his new girlfriend. Apparently I was unconsiously holding onto a slim thread of hope that he'd realize what he was missing and would come back to me. I KNOW that it's good for him to be moving on, but my heart is breaking. I KNOW it's best for him to pursue his hopes and dreams. I was ok as long as I figured he was miserable and missing me, but now that I know his situation has changed, it's killing me. My counsellor says that I'm experiencing an awful lot of loss in a short period but we'll just keep working to ensure that I come out of it ok in the end. It will just be painful and gut-wrenching for awhile.

I know my mom isn't abandoning me, but death is so final - even though the dementia has taken the essence of the mom who raised me, she still recognizes us and enjoys the time we spend together. To lose even that just "feels" like abandonment to both my sister and me. To have lost the support and love of my ex-ym just makes it that much worse for me. Sure, I have my sons and my friends but it's just not the same.

I apologize if I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself - I'm not seeking sympathy, just a safe and comforting place to vent (I won't be able to talk to my counsellor again until Tuesday). I KNOW I'm strong, I KNOW I'm resilient, and I KNOW I'll be fine in time. Sometimes it's just so very, very difficult to deal with and I just really need to vent.

My mom's health is continuing to fail and we're trying to enjoy each day she's still with us but after most visits we all leave in tears. However, I'm confronting bigger demons...sadly, we've uncovered the fact that in spite of how well I was doing and the positive steps I was making on my healing, I've regressed...big time.

To recap, the initial breakup occurred during the time I was dealing with a health crisis with my mom. It was only a couple of days after the breakup that we received the news that mom's prognosis was pretty bleak and that we would likely lose her before Christmas. Happily that did not occur, because the effects of the blood transfusion lasted longer than anyone expected. However, the latest prognosis (spelled out in detail as to what to expect and watch for as mom's health fails at the end stage of life) took me right back to the initial breakup, the brief reconciliation, and ultimately, the end of the relationship. It's like a tape that keeps playing over and over in my head. Ultimately it's because I'm feeling abandoned by both my mom and my ex-ym at the same time. It didn't help that last week someone made a chance comment about him going away for the weekend with his new girlfriend. Apparently I was unconsiously holding onto a slim thread of hope that he'd realize what he was missing and would come back to me. I KNOW that it's good for him to be moving on, but my heart is breaking. I KNOW it's best for him to pursue his hopes and dreams. I was ok as long as I figured he was miserable and missing me, but now that I know his situation has changed, it's killing me. My counsellor says that I'm experiencing an awful lot of loss in a short period but we'll just keep working to ensure that I come out of it ok in the end. It will just be painful and gut-wrenching for awhile.

I know my mom isn't abandoning me, but death is so final - even though the dementia has taken the essence of the mom who raised me, she still recognizes us and enjoys the time we spend together. To lose even that just "feels" like abandonment to both my sister and me. To have lost the support and love of my ex-ym just makes it that much worse for me. Sure, I have my sons and my friends but it's just not the same.

I apologize if I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself - I'm not seeking sympathy, just a safe and comforting place to vent (I won't be able to talk to my counsellor again until Tuesday). I KNOW I'm strong, I KNOW I'm resilient, and I KNOW I'll be fine in time. Sometimes it's just so very, very difficult to deal with and I just really need to vent.


Oh babygirl If I could hug you and let you use my shoulder to cry on i so would..i lost my mum in november and it was just horrible to go through..you cry and cry and cry and cry...then you get mad so many emotions and you get overloaded! im so glad though you are getting some help through this...and DONT apologize about venting that is why we are here...you have to vent or you will go crazy!
lots of loves heading your way and pleaseeee keep us updated..we all love you!

Hey, It is OK to both feel sorry for yourself and need sympathy!
On Oct. 6th 2005, my daddy died in my arms.........I will miss him for the rest of my life and I sure felt sorry for myself and really needed to sympathy of my friends and family.
Do not ever apologize for that........this world's attitute of "toughen up" is a bit warped and cold, to say the least.
I am glad that he was there for you to lean on and am glad that you also realize that he is not going to always be there (based on what you've written).
Please find the support you need from your children, other relatives, a therapist (yes, I do believe in them for things like this), friends, us here at AL, anywhere you can. You know, some of the most profound help I have ever recieved was at a bus stop, airport, etc.... Somehow you will draw to you what you need if you just look. Corny, I know, but very true.
My heart goes out to you!
Brightest Blessings, TD

Sending my prayers, and cry whenever, however you need to. My dad has been dead almost 10 years and now that I have had my hysterectomy I cry at the drop of a hat. But it does me a world of good and I'm ok again.

Tears a the best emotion. They cleanse you and strengthen your spirit and help you to be ok again. Its sad when it comes at a time when we lose someone close to you but I would wager...you are well loved.

Paris