cheating?

Just wanted to get some opinions. My YM changed jobs recently and since doing so he is often late getting home from work. He didn't used to be in the last two jobs he had. Two nights in a row last week he said he was working late - both days turned into 12 hour days instead of 8 hour days. He answered his phone when I called him and he did seem to be at work. Then Friday night came and he was late because of "Friday night drinks".

Everything was normal over the weekend, no strange phone calls or messages or anything and he behaved normally.

Monday night he calls me after work to tell me he will be late as he is going to his bosses house to look at his gym equipment. After about an hour he calls to say he's on his way home and he will be going to work out there 2 nights a week from now on.

Tuesday night he tells me that's where he's going but when I call him he doesn't answer. When he does call me as he's leaving he tells me he left his phone in the car while he worked out.

Tonight he tells me he's going to workout again. Says he shouldn't be long as they overdid it last night and he's feeling sore. That was almost two hours ago - he's had plenty of time to go there do a quick work out and get home but I haven't heard from him. In fact he has had time to do an hour work out and get home. He said he would call as he left. Again I try calling him and he doesn't answer.

Am I being paranoid or do I have reason to worry? I have just suffered a miscarriage so I know I'm over emotional at the moment but I need other people's opinions.

Yes he does have a history of cheating and I have a terrible gut feeling that it is what is happening.... I am usually right when I have a feeling like this.

I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. :( My heart goes out to you. I lost a baby once, too.

About the possible cheating... it's possible that he isn't answering because he is working out. I guess most people don't stop their exercise routine to answer their phones, right?

On the other hand, if he has a history of cheating, and suddenly started coming home late, then I'd be wondering, too. I've been with a cheater before, and I am very familiar with that gut feeling like you are having. In fact, my ex-husband did a similar thing... told me he had to work late, but when I'd call the office, he wouldn't answer. I'd page him on his beeper (this was before cell phones) and he would call me back right away. So, he was clearly not even at the office.

Maybe you could tell him that you've been wanting to work out too and that you'd like to go along sometime? If he resists in any way, that'd be another red flag, and at that point, I'd definitely have to say something to him.

Whiterose gave you a great tip! Tell him you want to try the gym too, his reaction will speak volumes.


I was married to a cheater--and the whole "gym" routine sounds all too familiar. There should be a noticeable change in his physique due to all this "working out" Give it a couple of weeks, you should be able to see the difference in his body mass if he's really working out two hours every few days...

The most important voice you should be listening to right now, however, is your own inner voice. Your instinct is your most powerful tool right now. Do not ignore it.

My brother in law had an affair about 2 years ago... and he was always at the "gym" during those days... he was still out of shape and over-weight... but constantly "working out" :rolleyes:

He wasn't working out the part anybody could see, Marcy!! (sorry, couldn't resist!:D )

hehe too true ;)

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage, satya...I miscarried twice, and the emotional stuff you feel afterwards is definitely heightened by the abrupt hormonal changes.

BUT....that doesn't mean that I think you are being hormonally influenced to see something that's not there. Frankly, with your guy's history of cheating in the past, and his current behavior, I would DEFINITELY be feeling like you are right now too: suspicious..and with good reason.

Something is not right. Your gut tells you this, and you need to listen. The sooner you figure this out, the better for YOU. Whether he is cheating, or just thinking about cheating, or doing completely innocent workouts....his extended time away (more than needed for working out), and not answering his phone is not acceptable without verification-given his history.

If it were me, I would quietly, calmly investigate with the hope of prooving his innocence. Talk to his boss and verify that he is lifting weights at those times for the duration he states. Talk to your ym and tell him your concerns. See if he is willing to be accountable to boost your trust (after all, his past cheating gives you reason to question and doubt...if he loves you and is innocent, he will invite the accountablility to proove his love and comittment to you.) He should always be available by phone during his workouts, and answer promptly, OR like suggested above-work out WITH YOU! etc. If he balks, there's a problem.

This has to be a tough time for you...I hope you find the answers you need to feel peace.
K

How do his clothes smell when he comes home? Like he has been working out or like he has been making out?

Do you know where the boss's home is? If so, then I would drive by and see if his car is there. Or have a friend drive you in a car that he would not recognize and follow him from work.

I am sorry to be so blunt, but I don't think you should spend a lot of time worrying about this if he is cheating. You have definitely had your plate full.

If he has cheated on you before and talked you into not leaving him, then I would tell him what you suspect. Tell him he either makes himself TOTALLY available by cell phone or you will go with him. :rollingpin:

I know from experience that it is a very highly stressful situation to be in. I hope it is resolved quickly for you. Take care of yourself... okay? :)

Just wanted to get some opinions. My YM changed jobs recently and since doing so he is often late getting home from work. He didn't used to be in the last two jobs he had. Two nights in a row last week he said he was working late - both days turned into 12 hour days instead of 8 hour days. He answered his phone when I called him and he did seem to be at work. Then Friday night came and he was late because of "Friday night drinks".

Everything was normal over the weekend, no strange phone calls or messages or anything and he behaved normally.

Monday night he calls me after work to tell me he will be late as he is going to his bosses house to look at his gym equipment. After about an hour he calls to say he's on his way home and he will be going to work out there 2 nights a week from now on.

Tuesday night he tells me that's where he's going but when I call him he doesn't answer. When he does call me as he's leaving he tells me he left his phone in the car while he worked out.

Tonight he tells me he's going to workout again. Says he shouldn't be long as they overdid it last night and he's feeling sore. That was almost two hours ago - he's had plenty of time to go there do a quick work out and get home but I haven't heard from him. In fact he has had time to do an hour work out and get home. He said he would call as he left. Again I try calling him and he doesn't answer.

Am I being paranoid or do I have reason to worry? I have just suffered a miscarriage so I know I'm over emotional at the moment but I need other people's opinions.

Yes he does have a history of cheating and I have a terrible gut feeling that it is what is happening.... I am usually right when I have a feeling like this.

Satya, I am sorry for your loss (miscarriage). And I'm sorry you're going through all this mess.

The other ladies here have given you some good ideas. You should trust your gut-there's a reason why we have those 'feelings', it's to protect us.

A few points I'd like to make on the other comments I've read:

If he's cheating, he could be saying that he's going to his boss' house because his boss has agreed to be his alibi. May sound outrageous, but it's possible. So calling the boss may not help.

I don't answer my phone when I'm working out either. However, it takes me no longer than an hour, one and a half tops. Once I'm finished, I check my phone for missed calls and call them back promptly. ESPECIALLY family members.

Good suggestion to ask him about coming along to work out with him. However, if he's doing something wrong, he may come up with some clever answer to this, such as, "my boss is embarassed to have women over, his place is such a mess."

Since he has a history of cheating, he should be working to regain your trust, not being secretive and evasive.

Suddenly taking an interest in working out could, in and of itself, be a sign of cheating. Also, a change in cologne, haircut, clothing....

What clothes does he use to work out in? Does he keep them at the job (I do), or at his boss' house? Does he shower at his boss' house?

Do speak to him about your concerns.

Above all, take good care of yourself right now. I do hope that you're wrong, but you do need to know definitely what's going on.

I know about that inner voice that tells you something is not right. I've ignored my inner voice before, but she was right!

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this after such a terrible loss. It's a shame that your YM is not being more supportive of you during this time.

If you truly suspect that something is going on, then you should call him on it. If he has a history of this behavior, and he really wants this relationship with you, then he needs to be prepared to be accountable for his behavior.

While what you have described is not definitive proof that's he's cheating, I do feel you have reason to be concerned. Communicate this with him in a loving and non-accusitory way. Hopefully he'll calm your fears.

Offering to workout with him is a good idea. You can gauge his reaction and if he's cool with it, the exercise will do you some good. Although, you must remember that some guys like to workout without their gf because it's their "guytime". You can't really jump to conclusions if he is resistant to having you join him.

Take care of yourself! I hope this works out favorably and that your fears are calmed.:bighug:

Thank you all for your advice.

I talked to him about it and he said to call his boss he would verify he was there with him. He has also offered to give me the address so I can drive past and check if I want whenever he is there. His boss is far to new in his life to go along with being his alibi if it weren't the truth.

He does appear to have been working out as he has had the muscle soreness that comes a couple of days afterwards each time and his muscles do feel different on the nights he says he's been working out. He doesn't smell of anything, but that's normal for him, he never does no matter what he's been up to.

He insists that he leaves the phone in the car so he doesn't get disturbed during the workout and I guess that could be the case. He says he's finding it good stress relief after the miscarriage.... maybe it's just his way of coping. He was over the moon about me being pregnant and then to go through the whole trauma of losing it was quite stressful. He used to workout a while ago but had to stop due to a minor injury so it's not like it's all completely new.

He's been unbelievably supportive all the rest of the time, and I really think that I've just over reacted to the new situation. It realistically could take half an hour in peak traffic to get to the house and then they take between an hour and an hour and a half to workout so the timeframe does add up. He phoned me just after I posted this the other night and I really felt stupid. It's just that I've read more into it because of being very needy at the moment having just gone through what I have. Having talked to others who've recently miscarried it seems it is common to become paranoid about all sorts of things soon after.... it was only two weeks ago.

I will still keep an eye on things though.

I'm glad things seemed to have worked out and be explained like you hoped. He sounds like he's willing to be accountable, that's good.
Best,
Karen