Newbie needs help

hello and thanks for having me on the site


im in need help as you can tell


Ok im currently 18 turning 19 this year im currently "Seeing" a woman who is 29 in my eyes she is perfect in everyway and i believe im very much in love with her she says she loves me too

but one thing that tears me apart is she is continuously pushing me away or tring not to be close to me for the pure reason of my age

i hate this with a passion she says she is robbing me of my youth and will take all my happiness away and she only pushes me away because she wants to see me truely happy even after i explain to her that with her i will be happy with her

we do have amazing chemistry same likes and dislikes aswell as hobbies and outlook

anthor big thing in my mind is there is no real age gap look she may be 29 but can pass for 24-25 anyday i can get away with 20-22 pretty easily aswell so we do not look akwards together at all

but still she lets the age come up and affect her brain one thing she has made clear is she wants kids soon personally im fine with it but would like to be 21-22ish before that so she would be 31-32 which isnt a strech


she also gets very jealous over other women with me too even tho she tries not to show it and hides it the best she can it still comes out like im ussually made to work nights 5-12 and it drives her mad thinking im with other women all night but she says she wants whats best for me and how i deserve more

i want to show her that shes all i could possiably ever want i want her to know its my choice and ive made it


any advice is i will be very thankfull for


thanks again,
Mysto


sorry in advance for spelling and grammer errors 7am no sleep

From your post, I'm a little unsure as to whether you are actually dating her or you are just friends and you want to get involved, but she is hesitant.

Anyway, you can't control whatever feelings she may have so I would suggest you don't try to convince her of anything or push too hard because that will only drive her further away.

I would say try to be her friend and work on building the relationship so you can gain her trust. As she sees that you are serious and you have something meaningful to offer her...if you do...then you can go from there.

I would say that at your age, it's not just the age gap...10 years is not really that big compared to some other couples...especially in this forum...it's more that you are a very young man and she may feel a little uncomfortable that you are still in your "teens". Doesn't mean things can't work out eventually...there are people on this forum who have met or began their relationship when their YM was 18, but you still have a lot to go through yourself.

So I'd say the best thing is to be patient and enjoy getting to know this lady. I'm sure there will be more good advice for you coming from the others so sit tight. Good luck.:)

hello and thanks for having me on the site


im in need help as you can tell


Ok im currently 18 turning 19 this year im currently "Seeing" a woman who is 29 in my eyes she is perfect in everyway and i believe im very much in love with her she says she loves me too

but one thing that tears me apart is she is continuously pushing me away or tring not to be close to me for the pure reason of my age

i hate this with a passion she says she is robbing me of my youth and will take all my happiness away and she only pushes me away because she wants to see me truely happy even after i explain to her that with her i will be happy with her

we do have amazing chemistry same likes and dislikes aswell as hobbies and outlook

anthor big thing in my mind is there is no real age gap look she may be 29 but can pass for 24-25 anyday i can get away with 20-22 pretty easily aswell so we do not look akwards together at all

but still she lets the age come up and affect her brain one thing she has made clear is she wants kids soon personally im fine with it but would like to be 21-22ish before that so she would be 31-32 which isnt a strech


she also gets very jealous over other women with me too even tho she tries not to show it and hides it the best she can it still comes out like im ussually made to work nights 5-12 and it drives her mad thinking im with other women all night but she says she wants whats best for me and how i deserve more

i want to show her that shes all i could possiably ever want i want her to know its my choice and ive made it


any advice is i will be very thankfull for


thanks again,
Mysto


sorry in advance for spelling and grammer errors 7am no sleep



1. You have to care more about doing what you think is right as opposed to what others believe is right for you, plenty of people will be naysayers. TTHIS APPLIES TO BOTH PARTNERS!

2. The idea that one partner may see this an experiment in living, has to picque your curiosity, rathar than scare the pee out of you. (If it's a first for both of you, who knows what will happen?)

3. Be aware that your age differences are valid, and even though you share responsibility in the relationship, it's likely that one partner is more mature than the other.

For you specifically in your situation: you have to talk to her and see if she's just having qualms about the Age gap, or if this is what she thinks.

Good luck!

Ali

1. You have to care more about doing what you think is right as opposed to what others believe is right for you, plenty of people will be naysayers. TTHIS APPLIES TO BOTH PARTNERS!

2. The idea that one partner may see this an experiment in living, has to picque your curiosity, rathar than scare the pee out of you. (If it's a first for both of you, who knows what will happen?)

3. Be aware that your age differences are valid, and even though you share responsibility in the relationship, it's likely that one partner is more mature than the other.

For you specifically in your situation: you have to talk to her and see if she's just having qualms about the Age gap, or if this is what she thinks.

Good luck!

Ali

thanks for the response

1. i can deal with anything anyone one says i very happy with it and would love to stick it threw

2.yes it is a first for both of us (she dated an 18 year old when she was 24 tho and he cheated on her) but i have not shown any interst in other women but her

3.I would like to believe im mature i stray away from childish behaivor and sometimes i would think im much more adult then her

and yes qualms is the perfect word to describe it

it all comes to

1. Me being faithfull

2. Me regerting this all later

i would like to beileve that since this almost all rest on my shoulders of what i want and will do i would really like my wishes and Opinions to have much more meaning just because im 18 does not cancel them out i want to be respected enough to listen too

I don't think that it is your age GAP that's an issue (not too many years dif between you, really) but more the fact that you are still very young ...just entering adulthood. At 18-19 we are often quick to believe - as you've said in your post- that we are "in love" and that the object of our affection is "perfect in every way". That's normal, and as you grow to have experience in several adult relationships you are better able to navigate the infatuation phase (the first year together) with greater understanding of the truth about love.

Love takes time. The consistency of becoming stronger as a couple BECAUSE of the tough things you edure together over many years prooves love. Love is not chemistry, or sharing hobbies, or thinking someone's perfect...those are all the wonderful (yet often illusive) feelings of infatuation.

Having said all of that...it sounds like your gf is a bit hesitant because you are such a young adult. At 29 she probably realizes that you have a bit of ageing-into your adulthood to do, and is a bit wary. The best thing you can do is go slow with this: continue to seek your own autonomy at the same time that you nurture this relationship. Don't rush, don't push, just relax, grow and enjoy...at the same time work on yourself and your future (education, career goals, etc.). A guy who is focused and industrious is a huge attraction-draw for older women because it prooves there is a truly unique maturity there and comittment to self-growth.

well here is the thing i dont think the holding back comes from maturity but from the fact that she really thinks she is taking something from me that i would gladly have given

You have described me to a T at the beginning of my relationship with my YM. He was 18, I was 33. Bigger age gap, still the same feelings.

What my YM did that finally convinced me was he was consistent and persistent.

He was patient with me. He consistently and persistently told me that he chose me, he didn't feel he was giving up anything being with me, felt like he was living life more fully by being with me. He allowed me time to feel more comfortable with the age gap. I too pass for someone younger and he too passes for someone older, but I still felt (and sometimes still feel) like a spectacle.

I also feared what our family and friends would think. I really thought they would reject me and the idea I was dating someone so much younger. However, I was pleasantly surprised. Once they met him (and his family met me), they understood the attraction and accepted the relationship. That took a LOT of pressure off.

Bottom line... you can't make her feel comfortable with this. She must come to that realization herself. But you can help by being loving, understanding, patient and consistent.

As far as the jealousy, I understand that COMPLETELY! I still am having a hard time with that, but for different reasons. For me I feel insecure about the way I look. I'm always afraid my YM will eventually want someone younger, prettier, firmer (haha!). That's an issue I am working on dealing with, just as she must work on it herself. Once again, consistency, persistence, and patience will pay off in the long run.

Give her time. If it's meant to be, she'll come around. One step at a time.

Good luck!

By the way, my YM and I are now married.

I don't think that it is your age GAP that's an issue (not too many years dif between you, really) but more the fact that you are still very young ...just entering adulthood. At 18-19 we are often quick to believe - as you've said in your post- that we are "in love" and that the object of our affection is "perfect in every way". That's normal, and as you grow to have experience in several adult relationships you are better able to navigate the infatuation phase (the first year together) with greater understanding of the truth about love.

Your post is very telling, and I think you dismiss younger people too much. At 19 I knew my mind. I had been with a man for 2 years. It did not work out (his choice) and it took me another two years to get over it.

I think you love, and fall out of love, but it has always taken me outright rejection or years of dwindling love on the other person's account, to fall out of love. And I still look back with extreme fondness. I still love some of the people who I was with that are long gone. I love them with fond memories. I don't think I've even wasted my time in my current marriage. I've been with my husband for 11 years.

I have been this way since I was 16, and I wanted to be with each person I have been with forever. You might feel like we "grow emotionally" and young people "think they are in love" but I think you shouldn't judge things by your own experience.

I love my younger man. It is clearly obvious to me that he loves me, an it seems far stronger than with others I have been with. Especially his acceptance to love me even if he lost me, he has never been needy and always been sincere.

He is 20 in June.

He booked and paid for his ticket to see me on the same day he told his parents about me.

He does not look 20, actually more like 17. It took a while for me to get my head round that, but I adore him, and now it no longer matters.

Yes I am married, and yes my husband is in love with another girl, and we are dealing with it very amicably. I know people here would like to ignore and dismiss my situation, but I am still here and I'll keep on staying in the background and reminding you that sometimes people know their minds and sometimes things like this can work.

I'm living in the country where I work on a marriage visa. Leaving is not a sensible option. My husband no longer feels like I am leeching off him though, because I have told him he is free to go whenever he wants. So I might lose my finances, my precious "future". So what? Are people in financial trouble not free to love? By your reckoning, it seems not.

He decided that his job was too important to do so, and the resent came mostly from feeling trapped and unable to follow his feelings for another.

I have no twinges of jealousy, and time will tell if he does. Either way I have never been happier, RIGHT NOW, in my entire life. I am taking that RIGHT NOW, and I am cherishing it.

edit: Probably worth mentioning here too that I'm taking no naive and stupid little boy, he has been in two relationships already, and one lasted two years. He is very mature about his feelings in that respect. He knows about the infatuation phase. But everyone goes hrough infatuation phases in relationships, whether young or old. THere is no special requirement for it to have happened a few times before you are mature enough to make relationships work permanently.

Bring her here, mysto! lol