Don't know what to do...

Hi all,
This is my first message ever, so forgive me if you've seen/heard it all before...
I'm writing from London, UK, I'm 37 and have had two long relationships in the past. One ended amicably but the second one was very ugly and it took me a long time to recover. I've always found it hard to trust people and this experience made it a lot worse.

I had been single for about 18 months when I met a guy last November at this place where I attend evening classes. From the first conversation we had there was a spark between us and I felt very much at ease with him. He looked and sounded as if he's about 33, and I didn't even give it much thought because we have so much in common and get on really well. Then I discovered he's only 27 and that he thought I was younger . We couldn't believe it because we didn't feel there is an age gap between us. We had only shared a few kisses at that point and I guess we both got scared and decided it had to stop there and then.

But it didn't work. We kept phoning and meeting up, going on innocent sightseeing trips around London and feeling quite miserable every time we had to part company. When he went home to see his family at the end of 2002 we both realised just how close we had become and we missed each other intensely.

Since he's come back, our relationship has developed into the most beautiful and fulfilling one I've ever had and he tells me he feels exactly the same. He says he's never been able to express his feelings or be as comfortable with someone like this before and I'm just thrilled to be with a guy who respects me, does exactly what he says he's going to do and who doesn't force his ways and opinions on me.

But there is a problem we cannot ignore. And every time we talk about it we are in tears. We both want to get married and have children, but there's no way he can do that now. He's not settled in his profession and hasn't got the money to invest in a family.
I'm in a good job but London is prohibitingly expensive and for reasons I won't bore you with we can't move elsewhere now. Also, I travelled the world after I got my degree and enjoyed it all. He's just spent many years at university and hasn't had the opportunity to do much else yet. On the other hand, I don't have another 5 years until he's ready to go ahead. Lastly, we are both Jewish and feel strongly about our religion. Unlike most people there are far fewer fish in the sea for us and to have found a relationship like this is almost a miracle. So how can anyone expect us to give up?

So here we are, in a perfect relationship, with one stumbling block. Is there anyone out there with some sound advice? We're very reluctant to talk to friends or relatives because they won't understand.

Thanks for your feedback.
Adhara:confused:

You can do it. I have been a single mother since my child was 2. I raised him by myself working at a full-time, low-paying job and never received any child support. If I could do that by myself, the two of you can certainly handle it. And remember, you don't have to stick to the same regimented life plans you had before you met. Love is worth changing your life for.

Well, you have to think outside the box here a bit. It sounds like you have a great relationship. Congratulations!

You both have to be able to get what you need from the relationship, if it's going to last, and the problem that you have is that some of these needs are contradicting in a really big way.

Nothing to do but have some hard conversations.

How important is traveling to him?

Could he put it off for five years, concentrate on his career stuff and make a sacred promise for a dream trip when he's 35?

Could the two of you be happy without a child?

Could you be happy adopting a child?

Could you work partially from home so you can live in a less expensive area?

I don't know the answers, of course, only you do.

But it is a happy thing that you have found each other and I'm sure you can make the details work out somehow, if
you both really want this.

You can have it "all" - just not always at the same time - and not always in the linear order that you might have hoped.

Flexibility ....

can solve a lot of problems.

I have faith that the two of you will find a way.

Good luck!

This may sound naive, but love should win out over money everyday. His job situation is temporary. Maybe you guys will have to adjust to a less extravagant lifestyle in order to have kids. I think in your heart, you know what to do. What's wrong with travelling with the kids in the future? My parents did that with me, and we all loved it!!!!

Someone told me once that there is never a good time to have kids... there will always be some debt to pay off, or something to save for, or this and that to do. If you want them, you need to have them and the rest will fall into place.

God will provide. I am not a hopeless romantic -- I am a financial analyst! But I really believe that. Not that I have practised what I preach. I have no kids. But my relationship is only a few months old, so we'll see!

Good luck!!!!

they say if you wait till the "right time" to have kids, you never will. very few people ever reach the ultimate financial situation they desire, or have done everything they want to do or whatever else in life.

when my (now ex) husband and i decided we wanted kids we talked about the same types of issues. we both thought the time was right, except he was currently unemployed and had been for nearly a year. he was very depressed about his work situation and although i was making good money, i had no intention of working after having a baby, except from home.

he expressed many concerns about money, travel, and everything else... and eventually we decided just that - if we waited, we'd never find an idea situation, we had to create one as we went to accomodate us. we both wanted to have kids young and "get it out of the way" so that we could travel and be extravagant when we were older and more financially stable and all, so that was my ticking clock.

some 8 months later i got pregnant low and behold, he had a job nearly right away. :) he's never gone without work since. we worked things out that by the time the baby was 2 months old we were buying our first house, where i still live now. we made it work as we went, because we had to. had we waited to have the child till we'd done all these things, we would likely have never actually gotten them done.

in my humble opinion, life is different than a generation or 3 ago. men dont go out and make their lives and then come back to court some maiden once they've established their estate. people have to work together and make do with what they have, and usually do just fine with whatever they persue, so long as they have dedication, hard work, and a bit of creativity. ;) just figure out what's most important to you, and *make* it happen.

things work out best for those that make the best of the way things turn out.

j

Hi all,

A BIG Thank You to Patricia, Desert Spring, Pink Cat, Jaye and Trish for posting a reply. I have drawn much strength and inspiration from this.
It's also great to know there's other people out there fighting the same battles. This means a lot to me.

May G'd bless you all.

Adhara.
:)

I guess I am having a hard time understanding why you can't relocate so you can work, save more money, and he can work and be some place different and sight see as well...let me invite you to the Northern VA, DC area where many Brits have relocated or to my tiny town of Old Town Manassas where many Brits have relocated 35 min. outside of DC with a regular train that hussles people about as well as buses...I mean there are a ton of Brits coming over here and earning some bucks and staying a bit, seeing things, staying quite English and then going home later with more bucks to spend abroad...
why not try it...Hadley...