Contact - from NC TO LC

We are in contact again, now that the dustclouds from the big blowup last week have settled down. It is LC (limited contact), every 2 or 3 days, and limited to details about my father's project. It has been both pleasant and awkward. We haven't really found a comfortable tone, and of course it's easy to misinterpret tone in an email. But we are stumbling along, trying not to step on each other's toes.

He is still unemployed, living with his parents. We don't discuss this, though... I only know it because of his hours online. We don't mention the relationship.

I know some of you are probably shaking your heads about this renewed contact and saying *tsk tsk* but this is how it is. I'm posting this not to ask for advice but only to give an update. I'm truly grateful for the many friends here at Ageless who were so kind in replying to my Bad Mistake thread. I just wanted you to know what's happening now. That's all.

Please don't worry about me. If things get bad again, I'll climb right back up to my perch atop Mount No-Contact... even though the air is awfully thin up there.

There are cultures where living with your parents and being unemployed is acceptable until you reach 25, 28 or something. Could that be the case in Germany? If so, he may be just living an ordinary life.

You know, everybody has their own recipe for dealing with separation, who am I to judge? My wishes for you: wisdom and fortitude.

There are cultures where living with your parents and being unemployed is acceptable until you reach 25, 28 or something. Could that be the case in Germany? If so, he may be just living an ordinary life.

No. In his case, he lived on his own from age 21. Now he's going on 30. Every single one of his friends, male or female, lives on their own. Last December, his parents insisted that he leave me, drop out of grad school here in the US, and come back to get a job in Germany immediately. It's been 3 1/2 months of unemployment now. He could have been advancing through the MBA program here all this time.

Ah... but I promised myself I wouldn't beat my head against that wall anymore. :banghead:

My wishes for you: wisdom and fortitude.

Thank you.

No lectures from me Faith. We all gotta do what is right for us. :yourock:

No. In his case, he lived on his own from age 21. Now he's going on 30. Every single one of his friends, male or female, lives on their own. Last December, his parents insisted that he leave me, drop out of grad school here in the US, and come back to get a job in Germany immediately. It's been 3 1/2 months of unemployment now. He could have been advancing through the MBA program here all this time.

Ah... but I promised myself I wouldn't beat my head against that wall anymore. :banghead:

Personally, I'm NOT an advocate of NO CONTACT. Unless the guy is a complete psycho, or very abusive, a druggie/alcoholic type, I've never had a problem staying in contact with Ex's. I'm close friends with my Ex, whom I lived with for 8 years. We were friends for a few months before we became involved and so we just reverted back to that friendship after breaking up...which was mutual.

What I would say is don't bang your head against the wall and don't keep beating yourself up. Just try to enjoy what you can, not worry about what isn't. Try to compartmentalize the various issues involved. You enjoying an association with him and having LC does not have to bleed into his life issues. In other words, you feeling like you are responsible for his problems and solving them. He needs to deal with his own life...he's a grown man.

I have friends like that...I don't mind hanging out with them or chatting with them or having some limited connection with them...but as soon as their problems start messing up my carpet...unnecessarily...I go on an extended vacation from them until they understand they don't dirty other people's carpets. Don't get me wrong, I'm a very supportive and caring friend and will help people out. However, I'm not the emotional or financial welfare department.

Good luck...we're here if you need.:D

Faith, no one should make judgements about how you choose to proceed with this man. Of course I'm concerned about you, as I've grown fond of you from reading your posts for so long.... but I know you will be proceeding with caution. And I'm very grateful you're keeping us posted about how things are going along. I echo the sentiment that we are here if you need us... and certainly do not worry about judgements or raised eyebrows. You do what you need to do and know you have nothing but love, encouragement and support from your friends here.

Faith, you sound good:D
No judgements from me today:p

Thanks everybody for your good words. Yeah, I'm going to do what I think is best for me... but it feels especially good to know I have your support to pick me up if I fall down.

I've been trying to avoid talking to him about any subjects except the research project. But he keeps sneaking in other things... nostalgic reminders of things we did together, or he fishes around to find out what I've been doing lately. So far I've been able to dodge these. And I haven't asked him ANYthing about his activities.

But this weekend (yesterday and today) he emailed about the project, and then he also added in bits about his social life... what he's doing, where he's going, with whom, etc.

I really really do not want to hear these things. It hurts to hear about his life without me in it. So far, I've just been ignoring those bits. I've waited a day before replying, to make sure I don't blurt out some emotional reaction. I've stayed on topic, talking only about the project.

Ah well... here comes Monday and another appointment with my therapist, thank god.

I've been trying to avoid talking to him about any subjects except the research project. But he keeps sneaking in other things... nostalgic reminders of things we did together, or he fishes around to find out what I've been doing lately. So far I've been able to dodge these. And I haven't asked him ANYthing about his activities.

But this weekend (yesterday and today) he emailed about the project, and then he also added in bits about his social life... what he's doing, where he's going, with whom, etc.

I really really do not want to hear these things. It hurts to hear about his life without me in it.

Yep...that's what they'll do if you let em. I'm just concerned that this doesn't drag everything on and on for you, faith. Contact of any kind IS the reminder of his life without you in it, and that keeps you on hook.
Just want you to be strong and happy and completely moved on from him...

Best,
K

Yep...that's what they'll do if you let em.

How do I not let him? Should I just ignore it?

Should I tell him to stop with the personal info? I think that would only point out to him that I'm still hurting, though.

Or do I just cut him off?

Faith...I should have finished that sentence...what I meant was: that's what they'll do if you let them contact you. It's not a ploy, I don't think...it's just what happens when you re-establish contact. The history is there, the memory of the heartbreaking stuff fades, and only the good stuff remains in your mind, so you talk about it.

If there was hope in you of rekindling this relationship and you felt conviced that he is the one you can trust and love/have in your life for the duration as your partner, then I'd say "go for it!!!". If not, then staying in contact usually just prolongs the heartache and keeps you from moving forward toward the great things that are just around the corner for you. No judgment here, just a cautionary note from experience...mine and countless others. Maybe it will be different for you, you have to make your own way. Just be careful...and if it feels hurtful, or tough or unnerving at all, step away for good to preserve your emotional strength. I want freedom and peace for you in all of this...if that is possible WITH him, then that would be great...but if not, it's so much better to have him contact you about the project via a third, objective party, etc. IMHO.
Take care,
K