I am confused

Hi all,

I have not really posted anything here before but I have some issues now with my YM I am going through.
some history: I am 40 he is 30, we met in June 2005 and knew more of each other as friends, he was in NJ to do an internship as part of his PhD.
then we began to see each other and after a few weeks he went back to Atlanta to finish his PhD. we did the LDR and then I went to India for a wedding in Dec 2005 -Jan 2006 and met his family, they did not know the real age as he said they would not accept it so he told them 1 year. when we met them his brother and brother-in-law asked my dad how old I was and it made us feel uncomfortable. When I was in India his mom and family commented about things they didn't like about my appearance and he (not them) told me about it when I came back.

After I came back from India he proposed, and I accepted. But then things started happening like he said I was not exercising the way he thought I should be he likes running and I like walking, then he mentioned the things about my appearance that his family did not like and asked me to work on it, finally he brought up open marriage and said he knew he didn't want it now but wanted to know if I was open to discuss it in the future. Which I was really surprised about and upset and told him thats not what I wanted and I was not interested if thats what he wanted. He apologized and said he didn't want it anymore. We went to counseling and things seemed okay and we planned an engagement party in August. However, in early July he told me when I was down there that he wasn't sure about the future and us and wanted to talk to people who had "seen life", and wanted to postpone things (we were planning on a oct-nov 2006 wedding) as he had a lot on his plate with finishing his thesis and starting a new job. I was really upset and cancelled the party.

He came to see me Labor day weekend and then he said he was going to India and meeting his parents and he told them the real age based on the advice of a few friends. They are in India and come from a very conservative family and were not happy to say the least, (although they (mostly his mom) were trying to discourage us in India as well when they only knew one year).

When he came back form India he said his family said he needs to think things through and not rush and they said that we will not look right in the future and what if he is not attracted to me after 10-15 years, they said people age more between 40-50 and 50-60 than 30-40.

Also his mom called my dad and said that she is not happy and not interested at all and that my dad should have told them the real age in India, which was hard for my dad to hear as he only did say what my YM asked him to but the mother of the YM blamed my dad for not being honest.

After all this in Jan I asked the YM to set a date if he is interested and he said why I am pressuring him and he didn't like dealing with me so I sent the ring back. He said he needed his mother to be in a good mood to ask her a date as he wanted to get married in India. He then wondered why I didn't want to see him. I didn't for two months. I asked him to set a date with me and get married in NJ and he said he didn't want to take a decision like that that he would have to hear the rest of his life (from the family) and that he wanted to respect his family.

I also called his mom in early March and told her that I was not going to marry her son as she is not happy and she said that she didn't want to appear selfish if thats what we both want we should pick a date in the summer. Well now he is interested in setting a date but now the reason I am confused is that all the history last year and plus now my YM I found is not too excited to get married I found this out through this website which really concerns me but he says he is not too excited about anything in life beyond the initial "illusion phase". I mean don't all people (including guys) get excited about marriage. Anyways any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks I know this has been long

At least that's what I would do! It's been my experience that if you're having this much trouble in the dating phase of your relationship, it will only get worse once you're married. That's how it happened with my first husband. All the signs were there and I chose to ignore them and had 9 years of misery.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I've seen too many couples going through what you are and it never has a happy ending. If you have doubts now, then listen to them!

Good luck! You always have a place to vent here!:p

There are some big red flags in your story...

But then things started happening like he said I was not exercising the way he thought I should be he likes running and I like walking, then he mentioned the things about my appearance that his family did not like and asked me to work on it, finally he brought up open marriage and said he knew he didn't want it now but wanted to know if I was open to discuss it in the future.

he said why I am pressuring him and he didn't like dealing with me

No man should ever say this to a woman he wants to marry.

plus now my YM I found is not too excited to get married I found this out through this website which really concerns me but he says he is not too excited about anything in life beyond the initial "illusion phase".

I'm not 100% sure what the heck this means...but it doesn't sound so great.

Here's how I see it. This dude is 30 years old....He's a grown man and he needs to make his own decisions. It's pretty obvious that right now he's not. He's still under the influence of his mom.

A man who truely loves you and loves you deeply will move heaven and earth to be with you.

Ya'lls gap isn't even that big....it honestly shouldn't be a big deal.

Nadine.

This came from the other thread:

Your age difference is not that huge. It is too bad that your bf convinced your dad to lie about your age. That should have been a red flag for you and your family. I remember my bf originally asked me to lie about my age to his mom, and I was reluctantly going to, but then he came out and told her the truth which I appreciated.

Some cultures have more propensity than others to critizise physical appeareance than others. For example, in my country your friends or relatives may tell you to your face that you are getting fat or that you have a bad haircut. The fact that he proposed marriage after critizising your apperance means he considers it something that you can work on, which is no biggie, I think. Maybe he has also imperfections that you would want him to work on.

Now Open Marriage wow, red flags all over the place. That would be so unacceptable to me. To me that sounds like he was trying for you to break up.

Obviously you did the right think when you cancelled the engagement party because why celebrate something he is not sure about.

What makes me mad about the whole thing is that your bf does not seem to be sticking up for you. He puts his family first and he has no problems with hurting you. Is this really worth it?

You are confused because he and his family are sending such confusing signals that I would ask for a time-out, have you and him think long and hard about this whole thing, and get back together when you make a decision.

Question: Are you of Indian descent?

thanks for being blunt sassynurse.

jesique you are right there are red flags and you are right he is 30 and should make his own decisions, I kind of take it personally that I am not important to him to fight for yet he says he loves me well what is love?

sheila4pd yes I am Indian I lived here most my life and he in India and here almost six years. He is going to counseling now and wants me to go to couples counseling with him in Atlanta. How much break would we need? I don't know why he needs to always get his family's approval

sheila4pd yes I am Indian I lived here most my life and he in India and here almost six years. He is going to counseling now and wants me to go to couples counseling with him in Atlanta. How much break would we need? I don't know why he needs to always get his family's approval

The reason I asked if you were of Indian descent is because several people here (not-Indian) have posted that the bf's family goes ballistic when they find out that their son's gf is not Indian. At least you got that going for you. :) Also in those posts it was obvious that in India, the family's opinion had great weight. Maybe since you have lived in the US most of your life you have not experienced this first hand. It seems to be cultural.

I think that since he is going to counselling, perhaps a week should be enough time-out. I think that you both would benefit from going to at least a couple of sessions of counselling so you can express how much it hurts you that he will not stick up for you.

Best of luck

thanks sheila4pd, I know it is cultural but I also have cultural ties to India and I am respectful of the culture.
I will go to the counseling and see what happens. We went to counseling before as well so I don't know what to say differently this time. I have also told him previously how it hurts that he doesn't stick up for me, I don't know if he realizes how much its has affected me.

The reason I asked if you were of Indian descent is because several people here (not-Indian) have posted that the bf's family goes ballistic when they find out that their son's gf is not Indian. At least you got that going for you. :) Also in those posts it was obvious that in India, the family's opinion had great weight. Maybe since you have lived in the US most of your life you have not experienced this first hand. It seems to be cultural.

I think that since he is going to counselling, perhaps a week should be enough time-out. I think that you both would benefit from going to at least a couple of sessions of counselling so you can express how much it hurts you that he will not stick up for you.

Best of luck


Indian and Pakistani culture both have a VERY strong culture of the parents influence driving the path of the children. I asked a Pakistani guy once about that, and he told me this story that is told to every child... something about a guy who falls in love with a woman, and ... I don't know.. it was complicated story, but in the end the "moral" of the story (which is a horror story, by the way and gruesome) is that you danged well better follow what your mamma tells you - no questions asked!

I married an Indian man my second time around, and I knew his family had been in the USA, some of them, for more than 20 years. He had been here a good number of years himself and was already a naturalized citizen when I met him. I was very concerned about the racial and prejudiced issues that I had come across so often from Indian and Pakistani families (oye... I was a loser in so many of their eyes: I'm short, not a doctor, married before with children, wrong skin tone, not the right hairline... you name it). I had a good friend who was happily married to an Indian guy for 10 years, but his mother never approved of the marriage. Their marriage ended when he finally buckled under the pressure of his family and returned to India without her.

My marriage to the indian guy had problems because of some of this family influence as well, even though my husband was about as "Americanized" as I could imagine.

With those experiences under my belt... if a man treated me like this guy is treating you, I would just say "Adios".

Marrying a much older woman a still seen something as unnatural in India. Celebraties do marry older women, but upto an age gap of 10 years. But in the middle class soceity where there is very low rate of divorce, marrying an older woman is quite unthinkable.

I have always been open minded and always had the courage to follow my heart. So when I fell in love with a woman 18 years older than me, I was mentally prepared to dump the entire world, including my parents, for the sake of my love. And forever will remain so:)

In this case I think that your b/f has neither been able to show unwavering love for you nor he has the courage to pursue his love and happiness. My ideal of life is very simple, if a person truly loves a woman, he must hold his hand through all the thick and thin of the life.

Anyway, age gap relationship is not for every man as all men cannot appreciate the inner beauty of an older woman and the intense love and care they give to the ym

Naznoor, thanks for sharing you experiences with me, it helps to know other families are also not accepting. Even though it is happening to others it is still hard to accept in your own situation as you are being judged for "crieteria" not inner qualities.

ASen thanks for all your comments. Most are true that in India, the older man younger women concept is much more accepted than the reverse, and that will be unlikely to change that much as it is in the US due to families unacceptance and society.
I think it is very good that you were able to say at the beginning that this is what you wanted no matter what anyone thinks, it makes a big difference to the girl to have that unconditional support and trust that both value the relationship and their love for each other no matter what. Also both people showing confidence will gain the confidence of others much more than wavering back and forth. Thanks for being a good role model for future age gap relationships in the Indian community.

Really, if she's getting used to the idea it may not be as bad as you are thinking and she may come to love you as a daughter! I know there is a lot of bad in the past with her, and you ym is attached to his family as is customary in India. I've met Indian girls who are married to the man of their families choice, that *live in the United States* so that should tell you something about the family structure.

I wish you good luck.

Ali

thanks legallyblonde, there is a lot of negative advice here, I want to thank you for looking at the positive. You are right many in the US who are Indian do marry people of their families preference, although if they find someone on their own they usuaully stick to it and not buckle under pressure but the pressure can get to some of them. Depends how strong the person is. thanks again.