Still struggling...

I've been reading a lot of the recent threads and find comfort that I'm not the only one who feels lost at the moment. So many of you are going thru the same things and experiencing the same emotions. It feels good to be in a place where people can truly understand the uniqueness of a YM/OW relationship.

It seems like evertime I start to feel like I can trust him and allow myself to be open to him, something happens to rip the rug out from under me.

Our relationship has changed so drastically since we put these rings on our fingers. I would gladly give the ring back if it meant we could go back to what we once had. We used to be so in tune with one another, but now it doesn't seem like we're on the same planet!

I've read threads where people describe that gut feeling that tells you something's wrong. I've had that feeling before and ignored it. I have it again, but when I try to address it with him he treats me like I'm crazy. So I withdraw.

I just read the thread about the wedding being called off because of inappropriate things on his computer and his refusal to own up to it and be rid of it. I'm dealing with that in a behavioral sense. He won't own up to his inappropriate behavior or apologize for it. Although he did admit to stopping the inappropriate behavior and since doing so has had no inappropriate advances from other women. Who's crazy?

I don't know what to think or what to feel. I can't even be in the same room with him anymore. I hate that I feel I have to protect my heart from my own husband. It pains me that I no longer feel safe being intimate with him, emotionally and physically. And it drives me NUTS that he doesn't see his part in this!

I'm trying to let go of the hurt he has caused me by opening old wounds from my previous marriage, but that's proving to be difficult. I really loved the thread about letting go. I even printed it out so I could read it often. Maybe I'll stick it under my pillow and soak it up by osmosis!!

Anyway, I've rambled enough. Once again, I want to say thank you to all of you. By reading how you support one another, I learn from your experiences and find some comfort. :)

wish i had something insightful to say. something that would give you some sort of epiphany and then *poof* things would magically be better.

alas, i don't. i just know when i used to withdraw, my heart festered. i spent 8 years withdrawing. and when i'd had enough, my heart was a raisin. it took a few years to fluff it back up and that was just as hard. and i'm still fluffin' from time to time, as my hubby can verify.

there were no epiphany's for me either or i'd share with you happily. all i can offer is my hope for things to get better thru some wonderful twist of fate.

(((hugs and support)))

Tracy

Its all hard, because all of us have "baggage," me included. The way i choose to deal with it is to never get married again, because i DO believe it changes everything. I dont know why, but it just seems to. And of course i know that's not the case everytime, but i have to go with what i feel. I would rather stay alone and without love, than have to deal with what people can do to me emotionally.

I probably need therapy! ;)

I wish you the best, and hope you can find peace and calm in your relationship. I think we deserve the best - i think we women give so much of ourselves.

sassy, i'm a nurse too, so hello kin! i completely understand the feeling, and like jelly, right now i'm choosing to be alone rather than deal with pain, which i think is inevitable in any relationship, even a very good one.

why don't you get some therapy? your issues sound like ones that could be helped with the right therapist. they sound like wounds that go deeper than this relationship, and worth your investment to explore and work out for the sake of not only this relationship, but for your future happiness in general.

i highly recommend it! i've been in therapy with the woman I'm with now for over two years. she's helped me understand so much of my life, why i react the way i do, why i've made the choices i've made, and how to direct my future for my best interests and to create my own most enriching life.

I agree with Kat that therapy is something to consider to work out your own issues about fears in relationships and how that can play itself out in any relationship you might find yourself in.

One thing I notice sometimes about the jealous partner/flirting partner dynamic is this: in order to have a jealous partner, you need a partner who will incite jealousy. And people who are uncontrollable flirts are those who need TONS of attention, whether good, bad, or ugly. That usually means they are EXTREMELY insecure. Being handsome, hot, young and attractive to all kinds of women doesn't reassure them...they can never get enough reassurance. So a man like this will flirt to get attention from other women...and from the woman he gets all the most attention from...once he gets her...his loving wife...whatever greater reassurance could there be but to see that she is insanely jealous and will even confront other women who come on to him (I read this in your other thread). This will become an endless and pointless cycle (except to play out this script over and over again) if you both don't deal with your respective fears and insecurities.

If you look at his behavior not as a sign that he doesn't love you, but a sign that he simply is very insecure and ultimately this relates back to feeling needed, wanted, and completely sure of your love for him...then maybe you can ease some of the painful and hurtful feelings and understand where he is coming from. Don't get me wrong...his behavior is wrong and immature...but I think it is what it is. Try to see the twisted logic behind it before you let your anger and jealous rage consume you.

Don't let these outside symptoms (flirting, being jealous) get the best of what could be a beautiful relationship between two people who love each other and want to make a mutually happy life together. But, first you need to look in the mirror at your own tendency to be jealous (which may unsconsioulsy or consciously motivate your husband to keep it going)...then you need to be willing to face your husband's need for attention and see if you can learn why he needs that. It's not your fault, but if you can talk about it...understand what pleasure he gets from it without taking it personally, you might open up some very important communications blocks.

Counseling is probably an important first step. I wish you well....:)

I have a male friend who is a little flirty. His wife says that jealousy is a very unattractive quality to display, and she doesn't believe in it. It works. Of course, she is very outgoing and secure herself, and maybe even a little flirty.

I trust my bf 99.9% so I really do not have a reason to be jealous. He is very respectful and will not give me grief, yet he gets a kick of me getting jealous, so when a girl flirts with him, I will play the jealous part in a funny way to make him laugh.

I wonder if girls especially like to flirt with married guys that are with OW? Married men are safe right? But what a fun challenge for the girl. If they stroke the guys ego maybe they will stroke hers back. If you can get a married guy to flirt back with you what a stroke to the girls ego!

I really think flirting is about the stroking of egos. Unless someone is drunk flirting usually doesn't amount to much.

We all like to be flirted with and often will behave in a way that gets us even more of it. Men love a challenge and their wife isn't a challenge anymore. Already conquered. I've never married. I'd like to believe that isn't so with some men.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I really hope he is sensitive enough to not want to see you hurting and that he's willing to do whatever it takes to make things right again.

I don't know the details but maybe if you act with the confidence he fell in love with and not with jealousy at all maybe this could just blow over. I hope so.

There are women out there who, no matter what the ages of anyone are, just LOVE to try and get a married man away from his wife. It's a challenge, and you're right, they get a kick out of it. It's a kind of a power trip they have. Many get the married man to leave his wife, and then the girl drops the guy like a hot potato!

There are women out there who, no matter what the ages of anyone are, just LOVE to try and get a married man away from his wife. It's a challenge, and you're right, they get a kick out of it. It's a kind of a power trip they have. Many get the married man to leave his wife, and then the girl drops the guy like a hot potato!

In all my 56 years on the planet, I have never observed this, I mean the woman luring a man away from his marriage only to drop him. That is pretty bizarre. I have heard of men attempting to lure women away from their marriage just as a "chase" and then they are left without their husband or their boyfriend.

I've seen it happen a few times and heard of other cases, too :(

Same kind of thing though... it's a trip for them... it's the thrill of the chase, and then after the chase is over, there's no more thrill, so they are no longer interested.

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In all my 56 years on the planet, I have never observed this, I mean the woman luring a man away from his marriage only to drop him. That is pretty bizarre. I have heard of men attempting to lure women away from their marriage just as a "chase" and then they are left without their husband or their boyfriend.
I've seen it happen a few times and heard of other cases, too :(

Same kind of thing though... it's a trip for them... it's the thrill of the chase, and then after the chase is over, there's no more thrill, so they are no longer interested.
I too, have seen this many times.

In all my 56 years on the planet, I have never observed this, I mean the woman luring a man away from his marriage only to drop him. That is pretty bizarre. I have heard of men attempting to lure women away from their marriage just as a "chase" and then they are left without their husband or their boyfriend.

I've seen it and had it happen to me.

I agree that people that flirt need attention.

But when they know that the flirting hurts their partner, to me it turns into disrespect when they just keep doing it. We all have control over what we do. Unless totally drunk - like someone said.

I also think that flirting with someone while they are with their S/O is disrespectful to both. Of course, i dont mean a small compliment to someone. We ALL know what kind of flirting i'm talking about.

Hello all! Thanks for your input. I haven't been able to get on recently...studying for finals! Ugh!!

I always appreciate the perspectives you give me.

For me it's not a jealousy thing. To me jealousy means wanting something somebody else has. That's not the case here. I'm very suspicious because of certain behaviors such as not answering his phone when he's supposed to be available, not calling when he says he's gonna call, giving other women his email address, going on a 1 hr errand that takes 3 hrs with no phone call saying "Hey I'm running late", leaving and not telling me goodbye, where he's going or when he'll be back, etc.

For me it's also other behaviors that he's exhibited since we've been married that he did not exhibit before. Before we were married, he was considerate, loving and attentive. We always had time to do our own thing separate from each, but we always MADE time to do things together. Since we've been married he's been very inconsiderate, unloving, unkind, neglectful (of me and the kids) and downright selfish. I truly thought he that he understood the responsibilites and obligations that come with marriage and that he was ready and willing to accept them. His recent behavior has shown me otherwise.

After I wrote my initial post, he came home from a trip. We didn't speak for 2 days (partly cuz I was upset, partly cuz I was studying like mad!:p ). Finally we sat on the bed and I let him have it. I stated specific instances when I felt unloved, disrespected, and devalued as a result of his behavior. he didn't say a word, just hung his head and cried. Finally, he apologized... he finally took responsibility for the flirting. That's something I really needed to hear.

I explained to him that I had already checked out from our marriage emotionally, and if he didn't make improvements soon, I would check out all the way. I didn't leave a bad marriage (4 yrs ago) where I was treated like crap just to enter another one and be treated the same way. I deserve better!! he agreed.

Two days later, he pulls the same crap again! Men!!! (Sorry guys :rolleyes: )

Anyway, I've made the decision that I'm going to live my life with or with out him. Now that I can walk and get around, I've been doing more things for myself: going for a 30 min walk, going to the movies or to lunch with the girls, talking my kids to the beach, etc. It's amazing how we take walking for granted and how profoundly it affects our lives when it's gone. Now that I'm back on my feet I'm taking off running!:D

Again thank you for your support, advise and encouragement. Reading the posts and posting for others really helps. As for this relationship, I put it in God's hands.:)

sassy...God's hands are a very good place for your, and all relationships...but if you are like me, it's tough to leave them there:(

I'm very suspicious because of certain behaviors such as not answering his phone when he's supposed to be available, not calling when he says he's gonna call, giving other women his email address, going on a 1 hr errand that takes 3 hrs with no phone call saying "Hey I'm running late", leaving and not telling me goodbye, where he's going or when he'll be back, etc.

Hon, these things you've mentioned would be a red flag for me...perhaps not that something else is actually going on (cheating, etc) but that at his very young age he is having a hard time adapting to the responsibilities and respect of a full-blown adult relationship/marriage. He is obviously mature in so many ways, and driven (with a pilot's license at 20 !!), but he may just lack that empathetic side that breeds respect for the person you love....sometimes that needs to grow and develop through the experience of many relationships through your 20's. I hope he comes through for you because you two sound like a potentially great couple, and I know going through another divorce is something you would loathe.

Couple's Counseling....if he'll go, is the only way through this impasse as I see it. You need an objective 3rd party to help you both work this through; otherwise, he will continue behaviors that hurt, and you will continue to resent him for them. It's a cycle that has to be broken.

I wish you the best with this,
K

He called the counselor. We are trying to get in for next week. We can't go on like this.

I've stated my case... he says he understands.

His mom and I had a long conversation about detaching and letting go of hurt. We both detach to protect our hearts, but hold onto the hurt and use it like a shield. We only hurt ourselves and waste precious time in the process. Why do we have sucha hard time letting go?

And why do men (at least mine) let go so easily? How do they do it? I asked my guy and he couldn't explain it. He just does it.

He left on another 4 day trip. I'm glad cuz I need the time to be and to breathe...and sleep. I haven't slept in days! That certainly doesn't help the situation.:rolleyes:

Thanks for the support. I love this website, especially chit chat with all it's silliness. I needed a good laugh!