A coward sending mixed signals...

So here I am - reading all the recent posts of hesitations, insecurities, and fears of being let down. I have now joined the parade.

I hesitated myself about writing this--it is long, but here goes:

BACK STORY
I've been dating YM since Feb 1. It started as a flirtation that, in my mind, was only going to lead to a fun diversion - a fling. So it has been a huge surprise that we've both let it continue strong since then. We see each other once, sometimes twice, a week and I sleep over at his place every Friday night and we have breakfast in bed together every Saturday morning.

The problem for me has been that in the last two weeks, he's been a lot more romantic, and more emotionally engaged than I expected. Don't get me wrong: I enjoy it tremendously, and I reciprocate because I feel an emotional connection and feel we are (dare I say it?) b-o-n-d-i-n-g.

Last week was very difficult for me. I have been stressed-out a lot due to work pressures, and when I shared this with him, he insisted I come over for some relaxation. He poured me a glass of wine and gave me a massage. When I am in his arms, all the stress goes away. He is so tender and gives me a lot of caring affection.

THE TWIST
Since we started seeing each other, I gave him the assurance that he is free to see other people. I made this clear b/c I had made the decision not to get serious again with a YM (he would be my 3rd YM). This was supposed to be just a diversion for me. Uh, right.

I have been very careful not to ask him about his dating activities. My assistant is his close friend (which is how we met) and she tells me that he is "having the time of his life...serial dating." (Obviously, she doesn't know we've been seeing each other.) This was difficult to hear, but I reminded myself of my resolve not to get emotionally involved. So I took it as a healthy dose of reality.

MY PROBLEM
When we are together, he behaves like he is totally into me, and places me on that proverbial pedestal.

Even when we are not together, he texts me often to say he is thinking of me and he also calls more often than he did in the beginning. Last Tuesday, as he held me in his arms, he said he wanted to make me happy and that I deserved a weekend getaway. He planned a trip to include his twin brother and a couple of his male friends. I told him I would go.

Before we fell asleep he wanted confirmation that I was exclusive to him. I made no such affirmation although I am not seeing anyone else at the moment. I asked him about his "serial dating" and he said he's just having fun, nothing serious. He quickly turned the conversation over to me and I told him, "I date also, in fact I have something planned this Friday." I did not want to give him the impression that he is free to date others while I am not. I told him that I only give exclusivity when it is offered to me, and that I will not demand it - it has to be given to me freely. He remained quite, not wanting to say whether or not he would do the same for me. He started to ask questions about my date: "How old is he?" was the first question he asked. I remained elusive and told him in sterile generic terms about what I had planned (against my better judgment--I lied). He was visibly shaken by my revelation, but surprisingly this incited him to give me more physical affection. He said he was not happy to hear this, but that he wouldn't ask any more questions.

PRESENT DILEMMA
The next morning we showered together and he was even more affectionate. It seemed like he didn't want to let me go. On my way home, I thought about his reaction, and it dawned on me that he might have been slightly hurt by my comments. I felt bad about it, but my survival instinct kicked in and I rationalized it away: what is good for the gander, is good for the goose.

Well, the next two days I vacillated back and forth between guilt and self-righteousness. Finally, on Thursday, I told him I couldn't go on the weekend trip. I expressed that I had too much on my mind and the getaway idea was great--but that I needed to go away alone. He was disappointed but was very understanding and said he would call me later. He called at 1:00 o'clock the next morning, just to say he understood and that I should do the best to relax while I was away. He wanted to know where I was going. Of course--I had no intention of going anywhere - it is just my ploy to put space between us so that I don't get overly attached...I also thought it would be too weired to get away on a trip the day after my "date" with another man. There would be too many questions. Before we hung up he said he'd call Friday.."but I don't want to interrupt your date." He said he would call to check in on me during the day. He never called.

WHAT TO MAKE OF IT?
I know I am driving him crazy. I am giving him mixed signals that I am comfortable with our open relationship--as it was initiated. But also that I like him and getting emotionally attached; I am also extremely affectionate and loving when we are together. He says he never gets that affection from anyone.

I want things to develop naturally if there is a real relationship here. But I don't want to be on the defensive all the time. Additionally, I am not even sure if there is a possibility of a "real relationship" here after we started it as a hot fling. We care about one another, that's for sure. We are great when we are together, and I want it to continue b/c I feel so alive when I am with him.

Confused and looking for some insights...

(thanks to those who read this far...seriously);)

I confess that I lied about dating others when my YM and I were first getting involved. However, we were online, we still hadn't met in person yet, and he had no way to check on me.

I didn't really know what his dating life was like, but I was falling hard for him despite trying to hold back. So I invented a few dates, so he wouldn't get the idea that I was always sitting at home staring at my inbox and waiting for his emails.

I felt like a total jerk about the lies. Even more so when I found out that he wasn't dating at all - in fact, he was staring at his inbox waiting for me. He was open and ingenuous about telling me this. When I learned this, I stopped lying. I never told him I had lied, but I did stop. It was a relief not to have to keep up the pretense.

This is the tricky part of a developing relationship... how much to reveal, how much to hold back.

If you're wavering about jumping into an exclusive relationship right now, you can still give him the impression that sometimes you're busy with other things. But do NOT lie about dating other men - that's foolish and risky, and it could come back to bite you. The lying... it might seem harmless now, but it could adversely affect future issues of trust.

even after all you've said, I'm still not sure WHY you lied....or why you would continue to lie.....

not judging you, I just don't know why you would want to lie to someone you're involved with, especially when the relationship gives you what you want....

why not come clean, tell him you lied and move forward....seems that you are not sure what you want. Its a dangerous game to play because you could lose what you have.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but play games, then expect games in return. Life is too short for drama and games. Just my opinion.

I understand how you got yourself into this predicament. You don't want to appear desperate. However, I am wondering about something:
Is it possible that he is fibbing to your assistant about all the "dates" he's been on? Perhaps he doesn't want to appear desperate either. Or, perhaps it's his way of covering, so your assistant doesn't find out you're dating him before you're ready to tell her yourself.

The way I read it is he got his feelings hurt, because a man likes to believe HE is the only one who can rock your world. You have an opportunity to come clean about everything, once you tell him, he should understand. If he doesn't, then he's not the right person for you.

What is good now is also going to be good later.

You are just raw to the touch emotionally. I think you know that -- does he know that?

Time to heal the rawness from past broken hearts. Time to continue deepening this relationship.

Enjoy the present. Tell him that you don't want to be exclusive yet (either of you), but that no one else makes you feel like he does. That you simply would like more time before exclusivity. You never know -- that 'time' could be one week. It could be one year -- and again, what is good now is going to be good one year later.

You deserve to relax into his love. You have permission to see him as a human being, with flaws, and not merely a prince charming. You have permission to love him, or enjoy him, with his flaws and you deserve to be loved with all of your flaws. Alternately, you deserve to enjoy your wisdom about 'red flags' so that if you think there really are some and that makes you want to close this relationship down, then that is a gift to both of you -- you can still thank him for his amazing love to you in the time that he gave it.

If you feel that you can tell him the truth about your lie, then explain to him that you lied because YOU were scared -- that you are learning about love and life the same as he is -- and that you, as you said, feel alive when you are with him, but trusting that feeling is scary to you. See if you can say this to him. Even if he gets upset a little about the lie (who wouldn't?) in the end the situation should be able to be resolved if this is going to be a whole, adult relationship.

I think you are likely driving him into someone else's arms, by being elusive. He's going to see what you did in changing plans as some type of blow off. Well, it was, but I think in your secret heart of hearts you were hoping he'd just beg you to go? I see you as caught up in the competitive dating trap: if he can do it I can. I feel that you've likely had some rather so so experiences with ym dating, and it's getting to you this time.

How about simply enjoying your time together? My guess is that what you are saying here is that you are afraid you are falling in love, and that he's only using you, in a more physical sense, while thinking in his own mind that's what you are doing to him. Could this be part of it?

If you are falling for him, you can't do denial here, you've gotta have the talk with him to see where you stand, unless you simply intend to walk away right now.

Good luck with this ym!

Ali

I also don't understand the lying and creating this facade. It doesn't seem like a positive or productive way to develop a relationship. You CAN keep a distance or monitor the pace at which a relationship grows WITHOUT lying and pretending to be someone on the outside that you are not on the inside.

Also, you have told him he is free to date others...yet you seem to be upset or jealous about hearing that he is serial dating, which I agree is probably either his lie or an exaggeration...but you seem to let that bother you enough to now want to protect yourself and cancel this weekend trip. Bottomline, you are now starting to NOT allow yourself to enjoy this relationship, which was originally supposed to be "fun". So really what is the point of this exercise in both self and mutual deception?:confused:

You say you want to let things happen naturally, but it appears you want to control the whole situation.

I wouldn't back track at this point, but I would come clean in the sense that I would have a serious conversation...and say that you're not interested in dating others at this point, and ask him point blank how he feels about it.

It's not natural to have numerous casual relationships that are sexual. You're putting yourself at risk for an STD, and you're putting yourself at risk emotionally. That needs to be part of the conversation. Then either move forward or get out. Lies are for losers.

cake+eat
bed+lie

Relationships need honesty on both sides.

I think you should be much more direct maybe these "Serial Datings" are to see your recation but when you turn away and give no awnser there is nothing

just makes you seem cold and fill him full of doubt

ive had girls do this before yes little games like this are fun and give a relationship steam but when its to far they only lead to confusion and unhappiness

you dont have to come out and say something crazy like i love you just feed him some emotion like you dont like him dating other women trust me that will add alot to the tabble

Ok, seriously. Thank you to all who posted your thoughts on this post.

I knew that you guys would come back with some good advice. You are all right: I should not have lied--and I KNEW BETTER. But fear sometimes is such a strong emotion, that I allowed my defense mechanisms to dictate my actions, even when my heart felt the opposite.

I took the weekend to ponder my situation and I decided to take a huge chance and RELAX. I had been over-thinking it and resisting the natural progression...letting my skepticism get the best of me.

He called me yesterday to wish me a Happy Easter, and to ask if I felt better. I didn't fess up to lying about going away for the weekend, but I plan to have a sit-down with him and explain what's really going on. I hope it doesn't scare him off.

To my surprise, he didn't ask about my "date" Friday night, and I am not sure yet how I will handle that when the questions come. But thanks to you all - I am going to RELAX, ENJOY and not allow anxiety to dictate how I deal with him. He deserves better--and so do I.

NEWSFLASH
I invited him to meet some of my "adult" friends at an exclusive dinner party this Friday night; he accepted the invitation. I am trying very hard not to let my nervousness about "outing" us get in the way. Very difficult so far.

INTERESTING AS WELL
My assistant mentioned to me today - quite out of the blue - that he was at her apartment last night. He went over to watch The Sopranos and Entourage with a group of friends. I thought it was weird, that she would stress his name the way she did - and said it with a smirk on her face. I WONDER. But again, maybe I'm just paranoid. Guess I will have to fess up to her sooner rather than later.:eek:

Oh my lord...I think I'm not in Kansas anymore...