How to deal with the non communicative male

I've had bf's who don't speak, or who simply presume you know they care about you. Also the self defensive type, who don't speak about *us* for a while. I'm wondering, since you are a pretty savvy group, how do you deal with the man who always puts off the talk, whatever it is?

If anyone has any ideas I'm willing to listen. I've used the standard, okay let's wait until you are comfortable with this and we'll speak, and then I've pushed harder.

What do you do????

Ali

....ah....they can be sexy....but try to figure them out! Good luck! Yes, I tend to go for the non-communicating male myself and they seem to find me:hide:.

I mean, eventually they will communicate, but it's not going to be an everyday activity...lol!:no:

There's not going to be "let's share our feelings" about ANYTHING!
You will probably need to sign up for Mindreading 101 or perhaps you can take a test to see if you have any psychic abilities. Also, it will help to learn how to pull teeth with minimal pain. These are all skills that Mr. Brooder will expect from his woman.:yes: But if you go for this type, you probably know all this.

I would not recommend pushing in anyway or anything that resembles pressuring, nagging or bullying. Brooders do not and will not respond to these strategies.

If you must initiate a talk (which they will hate, btw), be as logical as you can...never be emotional. And don't take anything they say too personally or too seriously, for god's sake don't ask them what they meant by it later. You might want to prepare a mutiple choice test if you want answers besides "I don't know". Also, using humor can work nicely with brooders...to lighten up the mood...so they don't freak out.

I lived with a brooder for 8 years and I found the above worked quite well.

If these things don't help...I would suggest dating more communicative men.:)

In my case, I've found that non communication says something about the man and his situation...but I'll leave my observations until later, when everyone else has shared theirs.

Happy Easter Bunny Cake!
Ali

I've had bf's who don't speak, or who simply presume you know they care about you. Also the self defensive type, who don't speak about *us* for a while. I'm wondering, since you are a pretty savvy group, how do you deal with the man who always puts off the talk, whatever it is?

If anyone has any ideas I'm willing to listen. I've used the standard, okay let's wait until you are comfortable with this and we'll speak, and then I've pushed harder.

What do you do????

Ali

You bring up such cool things to talk about Ali! I'm so glad you're back. I'm a rambler...my guy loves listening to me because, as he says it, I can have a complete conversation, with both sides, and never have to go to the trouble of involving another person :) I think it's the Libra in me, but anyway...if a guy is quiet, that's totally cool, because I know that when pressed, he'll say what he thinks. If a guy can talk about everything under the sun EXCEPT what he feels, then there's a problem.

I can't have that in my life. My best friend was really quiet about her feelings, and I kept pestering her. I'd say something and she'd go quiet and I would just say to her, look, I REALLY want to know what you think. I don't care if you agree with me or not. I don't even care if you think I'm wrong. Talking to me is far more important than right or wrong, here. Slowly she started opening up, to little things at first, testing me to see if my words were genuine. A lot of times we ask things for reassurance, but don't like the answer. If you want them to really open up, you CAN'T be like that. You must ask a question realizing that the answer you hear may not be the one you want to hear, but you still need to hear it. I tell her and others that communication is mandatory for me. I will not even attempt to read minds or body language. If you have something to say, say it, or let it go, because I will keep going my own oblivious way UNTIL you say something to me.

It's like that whole 'what's wrong/nothing' thing. I don't play that at all. If someone says nothing to me, I say flat out, okay, if it's nothing, then I'm not going to worry about it, I'm not going to guess, I'm not going to help you, I'm not going to listen, and I'm certainly not going to alter my happy mood just because you've got a mad on. When you want to talk to me, I'll be right here. Until then, I'm going to continue being happy, and you can continue to brood.

I swear to god that generally lasts no longer than an hour, then they're out with it:)

The flipside of course, is that YOU have to be consistent. If you demand they be honest and talk to you and tell you things, then you have to accept when they're telling you their truth and not get mad at them. You can't ask them if your butt looks fat in this dress, because if they tell you it does, then you're basically telling them it's imperative for them to be open and honest and vulnerable but it isn't for you (besides...I believe that if you have to ask, you already think it is...why should they say it isn't just to appease your ego?)

Demanding someone else lay themselves bare only works if you're going to play by the same rules. And for guys it's SO hard because they've been taught from day one to suppress their feelings...don't cry, be a man, grin and bear it, take your medicine. It's very tenuous at first because they'll start out small, and if they see any irregularities on your part, they'll clamp down tight and very possibly never give you another chance.

You can't demand someone else be vulnerable without being vulnerable yourself. So, in this case, careful what you wish for...because it's not easy on either side:)

I'm actually the less communicative one in our relationship (hard to believe, I know)... but everyone here sees me when I'm picking and choosing to be communicative (one of the things I love best about communicating online!) so it's easy to have a slightly skewed view of the real me.

Anyway. I've found that Tim is best able to get me to talk when he asks me a question that requires more than a 'yes' or 'no' and then waits for a response from me instead of trying to fill the silence with talk that I'm not really hearing anyway.

I've had bf's who don't speak, or who simply presume you know they care about you. Also the self defensive type, who don't speak about *us* for a while. I'm wondering, since you are a pretty savvy group, how do you deal with the man who always puts off the talk, whatever it is?

If anyone has any ideas I'm willing to listen. I've used the standard, okay let's wait until you are comfortable with this and we'll speak, and then I've pushed harder.

What do you do????

Ali


I've come to a few conclusions of my own, though. They go like this:

THE "STRONG, SILENT TYPE": This guy is silent because he truly has nothing to say.

Some people are like onions - there are layers and layers there, some layers are a treasure and others are more, well, "real-world." Other people are like a corian counter-top - what's under the surface is IDENTICAL to what's on the surface. If the surface of the corian isn't something you like, when you go deeper, at least there are no surprises.:no:

Mr. "Still Waters Run Deep:" Still waters don't run deep; still waters don't run at all. "Still waters" are, well, still. Unlike Mr./Ms. Corian countertop, this one IS complex. But s/he is also stagnant.

Lots of people put themselves out there early in a relationship, only to retract back into their comfort zone once they have "caught" the relationship fish. Once the relationship is secure, they no longer feel any need to push beyond their personal comfort zone, and the other party is just SOL.

I've waited, and I've pushed. I think that the only real difference is me. The only real choice I have is "do I live with this, or do I walk?" I can't change him; I can talk to a stone, but a stone is deaf and dumb.

YMMV

I've had bf's who don't speak, or who simply presume you know they care about you. Also the self defensive type, who don't speak about *us* for a while. I'm wondering, since you are a pretty savvy group, how do you deal with the man who always puts off the talk, whatever it is?

If anyone has any ideas I'm willing to listen. I've used the standard, okay let's wait until you are comfortable with this and we'll speak, and then I've pushed harder.

What do you do????

Ali

hmmmm...that's tough,
how long have you been going out?

if the time is right and he's still dodging the convo then perhaps he doesn't want to be pinned down to either profess his love or not etc..

also, it's a turn off if you have to initiate this stuff isn't it. i would want him to start that conversation first, and if he didn't, i think a part of me would start to back off.
why? because if i have to be the one pursuing, even in this, i start to lose interest.

and also, who has time to wait around for someone to finally feel like speaking his heart. please forgive my "bad attitude" but the gift that time has given me is the zero desire to put up with someone dragging their heels in any way.

This isn't specific to any current relationship, but it's more about my personal experiences in the past, and also I'm trying to see what others have gone through.

Ali