He says he doesn't want kids!! That is what he says now

I am 43 and my ym is 22, now we have talked about this several times and he says he never wants kids. Do younger guys really know they don't want kids at that age? Do you think one day he will wake up and see what he is missing and decide he wants kids after all? If he does wake up and want kids and I can't give them to him...does that mean he will look elsewhere? I guess what really scares me is we agreed that I get my tubes tied, but if I do that lets say one day he changes his mind and wants kids. Well I would feel so bad if I couldn't give my man what he wanted/needed. I have talked to a few people and they all say the same thing..."He doesn't wants kids right now, not that he doesn't want any at all someday". I guess I just need some different ideas and view. I know I am probably being stupid for thinking this way but I just thought I would put it out there and maybe get some insight and thoughts from the people here. I respect the opinions, views and advice people give here. Any thoughts are very much appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I am 43 and my ym is 22, now we have talked about this several times and he says he never wants kids. Do younger guys really know they don't want kids at that age? Do you think one day he will wake up and see what he is missing and decide he wants kids after all? If he does wake up and want kids and I can't give them to him...does that mean he will look elsewhere? I guess what really scares me is we agreed that I get my tubes tied, but if I do that lets say one day he changes his mind and wants kids. Well I would feel so bad if I couldn't give my man what he wanted/needed. I have talked to a few people and they all say the same thing..."He doesn't wants kids right now, not that he doesn't want any at all someday". I guess I just need some different ideas and view. I know I am probably being stupid for thinking this way but I just thought I would put it out there and maybe get some insight and thoughts from the people here. I respect the opinions, views and advice people give here. Any thoughts are very much appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I'm 27 and female, and I've never wanted kids. It wasn't even as if I made a decision at any point not to have kids, it was just something I've never had even a tiny bit of interest in. I even test myself sometimes (because I'm afraid the hormonal nonsense is going to catch up with me) to see if I can force myself to have positive feelings about the idea of having a kid, and it doesn't work. I wish I had a dollar for every person who told me I'd change my mind - I could probably pay off my student loans! People can know what they want in their lives at a young age.

Of course, they can also change their minds. I know it's a bit hypocritical of me to doubt other people when they say they don't want kids, but that's one thing that puts me off about guys around my age - what if they say they don't want them and then change their minds? For me, it would be over at that point. All you have to go on is his word and your knowledge of his level of self-awareness. If he seems to know what he wants his future to be like, and it's incompatible with having children, or he just really doesn't want them (as in never wanted them), then I think you should trust him.

Yes sometimes they change their mind others don't however if he does change his mind keep that option open to adopt or get your tubes fixed as we have discussed in my Relationship with my young man

I'm 27 and female, and I've never wanted kids. It wasn't even as if I made a decision at any point not to have kids, it was just something I've never had even a tiny bit of interest in. I even test myself sometimes (because I'm afraid the hormonal nonsense is going to catch up with me) to see if I can force myself to have positive feelings about the idea of having a kid, and it doesn't work. I wish I had a dollar for every person who told me I'd change my mind - I could probably pay off my student loans! People can know what they want in their lives at a young age.

Of course, they can also change their minds. I know it's a bit hypocritical of me to doubt other people when they say they don't want kids, but that's one thing that puts me off about guys around my age - what if they say they don't want them and then change their minds? For me, it would be over at that point. All you have to go on is his word and your knowledge of his level of self-awareness. If he seems to know what he wants his future to be like, and it's incompatible with having children, or he just really doesn't want them (as in never wanted them), then I think you should trust him.

I do trust him with my life and yes you are right if he does change his mind there are other options. Thank you for the insight. :o

Joann,
I think the difference is if he's NEVER wanted kids (has a general dislike of the idea of fathering or parenting) vs. he has just "decided" he didn't want kids since he met/started a relationship with you.

I've had both scenarios. My first experience was with my exvym. When we first fell in love he convinced me he never wanted kids. He knew I didn't want any more biological kids since I was already in my 40's; and he was a Type 1 diabetic and felt he could not parent well knowing that he'd have medical issues soon in life, etc. Plus, kids "bugged" him in general. We broke up when he was almost 22. Now (we've reconnected as friends) he is with another older woman....but she is well within child-bearing age (and I'm not). He talks about having kids with her someday. I'm happy for him in his new relationship, but note the change of fathering-plans.

My fiance now (almost the same age gap as above, but he's 28 and well into his adulthood and firm in decisions for his life, etc.) has NEVER wanted children. He's a great uncle, and sweet to my boys, etc....but he loves his freedom and realizes (wisely so) that children mean 18+ years of comittment, etc. He also says he doesn't have the patience for children 24-7, even though he is a teddy bear with them during limited amounts of time (like hours instead of continuous days without let-up!). He will love my grandchildren when they come, he says (and I believe him because I've watched him with babies, kids, etc.), and won't have any issues with them visiting, spending the weekend or whatever...it's the lifetime everyday comittment-thing that he's sure he doesn't want.

So....I'm 99.9% sure he won't ever change his mind...but never was sure about my exvym's "decision".

If within that .01% my fiance decided in 5 years he wanted kids, I'd agree to adoption...but he asked me to marry him knowing full well that I would never have biological kids with him, so I'm secure in that not changing.

Well my hubby is 110% sure he doesn't want kids and he is only 21. On the other hand, I have lately been thinking how wonderful it would be to have a baby with him. I hope he changes his mind :(. My mom had my brother around 46 years of age, so I'm hopeful that I have a bit of time to convince him. I am 39. If he just remains firm, and he is OH OH OH so firm right now, then the No has it. I do think my other kids would freak out. My oldest is 20 turning 21 in August.

My hubby is 21 (soon 22) and he can't wait for the day that we can start to try for a baby! I know that he always has known that he wants kids (a kid).

If he says he doesn't want kids then that is what he feels and that is what you should go by, if he changes his mind down the road then so be it!
We women have to stop living on a "what if" all the time and learn to live with was is.

When I was 22 I was sure I didn't want children. Now, 15 years later at 37, I'm still sure.

Do younger guys really know they don't want kids at that age? Do you think one day he will wake up and see what he is missing and decide he wants kids after all? If he does wake up and want kids and I can't give them to him...does that mean he will look elsewhere? I guess what really scares me is we agreed that I get my tubes tied, but if I do that lets say one day he changes his mind and wants kids.

Some people know really early on in life if they want kids or not. I don't think he'll change his mind, as most people who don't want kids don't feel like they are missing anything by not having kids. Though he MAY change his mind, it's not likely. Ask him to state his reasons for not wanting kids. No, he won't look elsewhere even if he changes his mind. Ya'll can always adopt or foster a child as well.

I'm 23, and know for sure I don't want kids someday. My man is planning to get a vasectomy this summer.

I am 43 and my ym is 22, now we have talked about this several times and he says he never wants kids. Do younger guys really know they don't want kids at that age? Do you think one day he will wake up and see what he is missing and decide he wants kids after all? If he does wake up and want kids and I can't give them to him...does that mean he will look elsewhere? I guess what really scares me is we agreed that I get my tubes tied, but if I do that lets say one day he changes his mind and wants kids. Well I would feel so bad if I couldn't give my man what he wanted/needed. I have talked to a few people and they all say the same thing..."He doesn't wants kids right now, not that he doesn't want any at all someday". I guess I just need some different ideas and view. I know I am probably being stupid for thinking this way but I just thought I would put it out there and maybe get some insight and thoughts from the people here. I respect the opinions, views and advice people give here. Any thoughts are very much appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

i think what he wants right now is valid because, after all, that's all we/he have: now.

also, i think one has to truly appreciate and respect the very 2 different places you two are in life; i'm certainly not saying it can't work, but again, i think we have to respect where he is in life.

will he go elsewhere? one could ask this question regarding any party to any relationship true? and the answer is none of us know. you can only appreciate the moment and try not to hold on too tight, let it be what it is.

if you find that you are not being true to yourself because of all of this or what he wants is not in line with what you want...then that's a different subject altogether. your relationship with you is the most important.

He may well know what he wants right now, but no one can predict the future. All we can ever do is take life a day at a time and live in the present. Why worry about something that may or may not happen in the future. Just my take on things.

I also agree we can only make decisions based on the feelings and information we have at any given moment. However, our personalities, dreams, desires etc. grow as we do. I have never wanted kids. That has remained the same from when I was 18 to now when I am 37. And at 34, when I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and the doctor began discussing options "in case" I ever wanted kids....I was like "ummmm, I can live without my uterus - it's not like my heart or brain - take it out!" :o 3 years later - no regrets! I did have a very brief moment - literally like one month, where I thought I wanted kids. Must have been a hormone surge or something. I'm perfectly content and happy with my choices. I respect that other people feel differently, but don't assume that everyone will change how thet feel about having children. Your ym might, but it is just as likely that the way he feels now will only strengthen over time. And if life throws him (or you) a curve, I'm sure you will roll with it and be grateful for where it leads you....

That's life!!!! ENJOY IT!!! :jiggy:

My YM is 20 and I'm 46, and he has talked about not wanting kids, not having a need to have kids, and how some people who DO want children could get married, fully expecting to have kids and then never have any. He leaves this all up to God. We have also talked about how cool it would be if we could ever afford it, to have an orphanage.


But I fear that he may one day really get that desire to have kids of his own. It's happened to me before that men first say they don't want kids, and then they change their minds and very much do want them. My second husband was 31 when I married him, he was sure he was okay without kids, but after we were married, he was sure he wanted them, too. (But I can't have any due to the whole felopian tubes having been completely surgically removed after exploding and almost losing my life.)

I still want to give it a go at a strong, healthy, and long term marriage though. So I'm trying to just go with what we've got now, and not worry about the future. Anything could happen.

What happened to the post I entered here a few minutes ago?



OOOPS.. I see.. there are two threads!

I always knew i didnt want children. I knew from a young age...and i never had them.

Yes people can change their minds. Its hard to know at a young age...but then again, many do! So i guess i would say go with how you feel about the situation - he could really be sure.

What happened to the post I entered here a few minutes ago?



OOOPS.. I see.. there are two threads!
Sorry I messed up I don't know what I did but I posted it twice and couldn't figure out how to delete one. Sorry again
:o

Sorry I messed up I don't know what I did but I posted it twice and couldn't figure out how to delete one. Sorry again
:o

Maybe one of the mods could combine the two threads. Ohiosweetie?

In your position...and I have been there...I would NOT get my tubes tied.

Why? Because you are absolving yourself in any say in the situation of mothering and handing over the reigns to someone youve only been with for a short while.

If YOU totally wanted NEVER to have children again, you wouldnt be asking about what if HE does. So, a tiny part of you must see having a child as a possibility that YOU would like.

He is only 22 and very few men know what they want at that age. He is telling you he doesnt, maybe because he realises that the possibilities are low, with an older woman, so he's setting your mind at rest? OR that he knows for sure that doesnt want any within the next ten years, which would probably see out your childbearing years. Peoples minds change, regardless of the sex. Many women leave kids until later in life and many men prefer to as well.

For me? I'm 45 now. I had a whirlwind relationship/engagement with a, then, 28 year old. He said he had a vasectomy, so we didnt take precautions. I didnt think the chances were high that I'd get pregnant even if he was fertile. But here I am single (we separated just after I got pregnant, he got verbally abusive, depressive and was a compulsive liar) with a beautiful little girl just turning 2. She's wonderful and I'm so glad she's here...so are my 2 older teenagers. We never see the father now, thank god, as a restraining order is in place.

You have to make a decision for YOU....with the thought in mind that, what if he and you dont last another 6 months. If you met someone else...would you like another baby OR would you never want one regardless of how they felt. I dont believe in God but do believe that doors/windows, challenges, loves/losses..they open and shut all the time. Slamming the door on your own foot (or future) is unnecessary.

Personally...I will never get my tubes tied because why have that pain (emotional, of choosing to deliberately become sterile, plus the operational risks) when mother nature is not that far away from making that choice FOR me? At the moment Id prefer not to have another child...but Im not inlove with anyone at the moment....and condoms are best for protection against everything until real plans/decisions are made about ANYTHING.

He can always get himself a vasectomy in a few years, if he pleases.....and if you are still together then...agree to it wholeheartedly.

ummmm, is this a duplicate thread? Is there anyway they can be combined?

Sorry I messed up I don't know what I did but I posted it twice and couldn't figure out how to delete one. Sorry again
:o


I merged your two threads into one for you.

I merged your two threads into one for you.

Thank you for fixing my mess up. I had no idea what I did;) . Thank you so much.

You know, this kids issue was a big dealbreaker and a big reason why my OW was scared out of committing to me (among other things)...sometimes she'd look at me and say "You're going to make a great father someday", and things like that.
I was always undecided on whether or not I want kids. I am almost 29, and I have never yearned to have kids. One of my bestfriends my age has 3 kids with one more on the way, and honestly I can't even bare to hang out with him anymore. So much of their lives revolves around taking care of the kids and they never have time to themselves. They have both gained considerable weight and look about 10 years older.
Me, I like being in shape, and having time to have fun and try new things and stuff.
I have told Alicia that I don't want kids and I just want to be with her.
But she seems to have this mindset that I would make a great father someday and she feels she'd be robbing that from me if she committed to me.
Thus= no commitment= me sad.
Honestly, I could be happy either way. I am undecided at this point. I just want to be happy. Maybe I am selfish in not wanting to spread my genes, and maybe my parents and stepmom would be disappointed, but if I find a woman that makes me happy (Alicia, almost 49) and she can't have kids, that doesn't mean I am going to leave her. I want to be happy first and foremost.
Just because occasionally my stepmom will ask me about "where are my grandkids?" every once in a while doesn't mean I should feel obligated to have kids.
This is my life and I am a grown man, almost 29. If I choose to not have kids and to be with a woman 20 years older than me, I would hope my family would support my decision and want me to be happy.
Unfortunately I think my family would be disappointed if I settled down with Alicia.
That's too bad.
Hope this helps.

I know plenty of men who don't have kids and don't want any and if they did ever have any, I'm quite sure it would be by accident.

I think OW women involved with YM have to just ACCEPT the fact that men have a longer opportunity to biologically father children...but that doesn't mean they want them, should have them, or will have them.

And look at the ones who do, but are terrible fathers or have nothing to do with them or abandon their children?

Also, I don't see anything wrong with someone deciding they don't want children based on their partner. If I was younger and wanted children and I married a man and he couldn't impregnate me, I'm not going to leave him if I love him and we have a happy life together. That would be my choice and I would not feel deprived at all. Personally, I never wanted children and never did have them. That was partly why I never married. There are PLENTY of people who truly don't want or need to have children. That doesn't mean I don't like children, I love my niece and nephews, but I've never had a strong desire to have my own. I'm 47 and I felt the same at 27.

But gettting your tubes tied for a man you've only known a couple of months on-line? Isn't that kind of premature?

I know plenty of men who don't have kids and don't want any and if they did ever have any, I'm quite sure it would be by accident.

I think OW women involved with YM have to just ACCEPT the fact that men have a longer opportunity to biologically father children...but that doesn't mean they want them, should have them, or will have them.

And look at the ones who do, but are terrible fathers or have nothing to do with them or abandon their children?

Also, I don't see anything wrong with someone deciding they don't want children based on their partner. If I was younger and wanted children and I married a man and he couldn't impregnate me, I'm not going to leave him if I love him and we have a happy life together. That would be my choice and I would not feel deprived at all. Personally, I never wanted children and never did have them. That was partly why I never married. There are PLENTY of people who truly don't want or need to have children. That doesn't mean I don't like children, I love my niece and nephews, but I've never had a strong desire to have my own. I'm 47 and I felt the same at 27.

But gettting your tubes tied for a man you've only known a couple of months on-line? Isn't that kind of premature?

Thank you for the input I appreciate that. I do believe him when he says he doesn't want children. I know he loves me and wants to be with me he tells me that all the time. Just to let you know we discussed me getting my tubes tied and I am not going to do that right away anyway, he is not making me do that we just discussed it and we both agree that maybe I will and maybe I won't do that. Everything we do we discuss it first and come to an agreement, everything is mutual and equal, that is how I feel it should be. Oh and we did meet in January 2007 and he has been here to visit me and stayed for 11 days and didn't want to leave but had to..to take care of some loose ends he had back home. He is planning on coming here next week to look for a job and a place to live so that we can take this to the next level. Thanks again