My YM wants to go to college...and I want to help Is there anything wrong with that?

First off let me give you a little background about me and my ym. We met in January 2007 on a dating website and have been talking ever since. He had just gotten out of a 4 year realationship with a woman that was not very supportive to his wants and needs. He wants to go to college for Computer Science and Information Systems, and I must say that is perfect for him cause he is very knowledgable in that area. What I am trying to do is encouage him to go to school and work towards his degree and just concentrate on that for now and not worry about the day to day finances. He wants to work but with a full load at school at least at first, he should just get himself in the right frame of mind and if he can handle that then think about working. I think it would be possible for him to work and go to school, I mean people do it everyday but in a way it is silly to do that if it can be avoided, when I myself know what a struggle it is to get back in the swing of things. I am determined to help him in any way I can so that he can accomplish this goal and become very successful. I know that he worries that people will see him as "lazy" or as a "user" which I know he is not. I love him very much and want nothing but the best for him. He has so much potential and I know he will go places if given the positive opportunity and support. I don't see anything wrong with helping him to get back on his feet and pointing him in the right direction. He deserves to be given the chance to succeed. I just want to give him the opportunity no one else would. I know if it were me he would do the same thing. "NO DOUBT in my my mind whatsoever". I think I am doing the right thing. What are your thoughts?

This isn't a positive reply and it might not be helpful at all, but for what it's worth...

My best friend put both of her ex-husbands through college. Her first ex was 2 years younger than she was, her second ex was 11 years younger. From what I observed, this arrangement set up a dynamic and balance of power that ultimately contributed to undermining both relationships.

But everyone is different. There is no set formula.

This isn't a positive reply and it might not be helpful at all, but for what it's worth...

My best friend put both of her ex-husbands through college. Her first ex was 2 years younger than she was, her second ex was 11 years younger. From what I observed, this arrangement set up a dynamic and balance of power that ultimately contributed to undermining both relationships.

But everyone is different. There is no set formula.

i agree with faith..i have seen many women do this and get the crap end of the stick...on top of this your relationship is sooo new that kind of scares me

I'd think him taking a slightly lighter course load and working would be better for both of you in the long run. Sometimes you can help people more by allowing them to do things on their own. They get a more grounded sense of self-worth and accomplishment, and you don't build up resentment or potentially unhealthy dynamics in your relationship. You can be supportive of his goals without supporting him financially.

i agree with faith..i have seen many women do this and get the crap end of the stick...on top of this your relationship is sooo new that kind of scares me

Can I ask what do you mean exactly when you say "many women do this and get the crap end of the stick"? Just Curious. I won't be putting him through school just supporting him in his endeavors. I to am planning on going back to college also. So we would both be supporting each other.

I won't be putting him through school just supporting him in his endeavors. I to am planning on going back to college also. So we would both be supporting each other.

But who would be paying the bills?

But who would be paying the bills? Well in the meantime I would be paying the bills, but it would only be temporary approximately 6 months to a year tops) and then he would help with the bills plus he could help around the house and do the little things that I won't have time to do. I completely understand what you are saying how alot of people get burned when they help others. But how will we know if we don't try? I guess I trust and have faith in people and can only hope I am doing the right thing. I can't really judge him by all the others that actually took advantage of the other person that helped them.

I completely understand what you are saying how alot of people get burned when they help others. But how will we know if we don't try.?

I'm not saying you would get burned. Reread PinkPanther's post above. It's spot on.

I'm not saying you would get burned. Reread PinkPanther's post above. It's spot on.

Ok Faith I appreciate your input. This is very helpful. :)

"not worry about the day to day finances"

Right, there you said it yourself. If he isnt going to worry about the day to day finances....who is? You? And if you two, split up....how will he be able to support himself then? Will you continue to support him when he's off with someone else or must he consider that he's tied to you for the whole college thing?

Men do not like to feel beholden to people...unless they are scroungers...so dont offer to place him in that position. And "users" do say that they do not want to be considered that in that way (as users)....even if they are exactly that. They usually try to flick into the other persons lap via hinting or "it would be nice but I cant afford it"....so that they feel guilt or urges to help out.

If you truly want to help him AND be aware of your REAL relationship.....do not let him live with you, marry you OR give him any money until he is totally financially dependent....and never give expensive gifts. Treat him like a man of your own age...not like you would a son

You paying the bills is not a good idea. Specially not this early in the relationship. My bf and I have been in our relationship 4 years now, he always worked but because of his move to Panama last year and the lack of work permit he has not been able to contribute with his full share of the household expenses and it has been a difficult time for both of us. (He is working in the informal market, not making a full salary).

At first it seems like it is no problem, since it is financially possible, but it does come up in every single fight we have, I wish it was not so. It feels totally wrong to me, I am not happy with this situation at all. Despite how much we love each other there are days when I feel used. I can't wait for the darn work permit so he can be financially independent from me.

"not worry about the day to day finances"

Right, there you said it yourself. If he isnt going to worry about the day to day finances....who is? You? And if you two, split up....how will he be able to support himself then? Will you continue to support him when he's off with someone else or must he consider that he's tied to you for the whole college thing?

Men do not like to feel beholden to people...unless they are scroungers...so dont offer to place him in that position. And "users" do say that they do not want to be considered that in that way (as users)....even if they are exactly that. They usually try to flick into the other persons lap via hinting or "it would be nice but I cant afford it"....so that they feel guilt or urges to help out.

If you truly want to help him AND be aware of your REAL relationship.....do not let him live with you, marry you OR give him any money until he is totally financially dependent....and never give expensive gifts. Treat him like a man of your own age...not like you would a son
Tracy
Just to clarify a little, I didn't mean he wouldn't worry about the finances because he would. Just so you know I don't by any means treat him like "my son", that statement is offensive and totally unfair. I do treat him like a man of my own age and just for the record he acts alot more mature than most men my age!

A young man's ego and sense of self-worth and self-reliance can become permanently crippled by "well-meaning" help, especially when it comes from someone older.

By establishing that imbalance of power, you will risk adversely affecting your relationship...now and in the future.

My YM, now almost 30, is hopelessly ruined by the overindulgent financial support his parents have always given him. He has no self-esteem and no idea at all how to stand up on his own two feet. It's tragic.

Joann.... I agree with Tracy...

do not let him live with you, marry you OR give him any money until he is totally financially dependent....and never give expensive gifts.


Actually, I would edit one word above to read "independent" and go farther and say: Do not provide any financial help at all. This is his road to autonomy, and he needs to walk it, just like you and I did. Your intent is good, but meeting financial needs of a young man you are dating is absolutely a bad idea. It creates an atmosphere of obligation...and what first seemed like generosity from you and gratitude from him becomes resentment from you and feeling trapped by him. Making things "easier" for someone you care about often returns as a feeling of entitlement later on...and, it's through the struggles in life that we grow strongest (not the easy things), don't you want that for him? Think of it another way...if you were 20, had known a guy since January online, etc., would you pay for his college expenses? No...it's a pretty absurd thought in that context, but is important because what you wouldn't do if you were the same age is what you shouldn't do now just because you are older and have more financial means.

If you two were married, that would be a different story (not dating, not even engaged...but married, where finances are combined, etc.). You are not even close...you have mostly an online relationship and have only known each other since January.

Offer him support in all other ways (encouragement, hugs, words of pride in his accomplishments and hard work toward a degree)...but not with money.

I really and truely appreciate everyones comments but I am a little frustrated cause it seems like everyone is twisting my intentions around. Isn't the whole point in being in a relationship to help each other, and to be there for each other when you need the help? Everyone has to start somewhere and whats wrong with helping someone in need temporarily? My YM has always been independant and now because he needs a little support people think he is using me or I am taking away his indpendance. The fact that he is young really isn't an issue here. He is young yes but I know guys my own age that have worse problems than most of the young guys I know. I just don't think it is fair to judge all guys by a few bad ones. That is like saying just because he is young he doesn't know anything or what he wants. It is not like he needs me because he doesn't he can do it on his own he has already done that. I just want to be able to help him if I can cause he is helping me in many ways also. It goes both ways and I am just saying relationships are trial and error and life is filled with risks, You never know until you try.

Emotional support YES

Financial support NO

This is the consensus so far. Ultimately it is up to you and your young man.

A young man's ego and sense of self-worth and self-reliance can become permanently crippled by "well-meaning" help, especially when it comes from someone older.

By establishing that imbalance of power, you will risk adversely affecting your relationship...now and in the future.

My YM, now almost 30, is hopelessly ruined by the overindulgent financial support his parents have always given him. He has no self-esteem and no idea at all how to stand up on his own two feet. It's tragic.

Faith,
May I ask who is helping your YM now? How are you helping him get his self-esteem back and how are you helping him to stand on his own two feet? You must really love him right? What's the secret to helping him without helping him financially? It seems to me someone is still helping him if he can't stand on his own two feet and he is almost 30 now? I appreciate any insight you can give me. I just want to know how you handle that it must be very difficult and frustrating.

I just don't think it is fair to judge all guys by a few bad ones.
Excuse me, in my particular case, I have not said that my bf is a bad guy, or immature. Not at all. Also we had a healthy and loving 3 year relationship before he moved here. He was financially independent until he moved here.

what first seemed like generosity from you and gratitude from him becomes resentment from you and feeling trapped by him.
This is true! I love my bf and he loves me yet sometimes we find ourselves me feeling used and him feeling trapped! What we are all trying to tell you is that good intentions and generosity turn into something ugly that instead of facilitating a relationship becomes a problem.

My bf and I are very lucky that our relationship was strong before his move because this has been very trying. We have been very close to breaking up and we have both had to use every ounce of patience! And as I said, I can't wait until he gets his work permit and this period of "dependence" is over. We never knew it was going to take this long.

Faith,
May I ask who is helping your YM now? How are you helping him get his self-esteem back and how are you helping him to stand on his own two feet? You must really love him right? What's the secret to helping him without helping him financially? It seems to me someone is still helping him if he can't stand on his own two feet and he is almost 30 now? I appreciate any insight you can give me. I just want to know how you handle that it must be very difficult and frustrating.

Long story short... he came to the US from Germany to live with me and do post-grad study, against his parents' wishes. He used his trust fund to pay his tuition, and we equally shared all living expenses. His parents demanded that he return to Germany and launch a career there, or else they would disinherit him. He could have stayed here to finish his degree, plus he had a work permit. But his dependency on their money was too strong. He broke up with me and went back to Germany in December. Now 4 months later he's still unemployed and living at home with his parents - no degree and no job in sight. He has never worked, never had to support himself. Tonight he drunk-dialed me. He feels worthless and useless. When he was here, he was getting top grades and highest commendations from his professors. He had enormous potential. I cheered him on, gave him emotional support, and space for study time. There is nothing I can do for him now. I love him, but he has to stand up for himself. I don't know if he ever will.

The ironic thing is, he often told me how much he admired me for being financially independent since my early 20s. Especially he admired that I put myself through graduate school, working fulltime while taking a full course load at the same time. He said he could never imagine that for himself. Why would he have to? The parents paid for everything. He has never struggled, never had to budget or hold down a job or sacrifice to achieve his goals. And look where he is now.

End of hijack/vent.

Joann, you asked for other's opinions and they are giving you what you asked for. It doesn't mean that you have to agree, or disagree, with them.

By the way, I see that your YM is also a member here. I just think that's important for everyone to be aware of.

You certainly could get burned putting someone through school... I guess... in the sense that your relationship could end after you put in the investment.

For example, my ex-husband certainly helped put me through grad school (helped... the loans are still mine LOL!... but I didn't work). Our marriage ended. I don't think he counts that as one of his "bitter" points.

Despite a very strong point of view in the community that an OW should not ever, ever support her ym (and of course this means the dollars and cents here... emotional support goes without saying these are romantic relationships after all), I *DO* support my husband. I work. He goes to school. This works for us.

This doesn't mean that Dev does nothing. He goes to school fulltime and he is also caring for my two kids as well. I have an 8 yr old and 10 yr old at home. When we began this arrangement they were 5 and 7. As a couple we are avoiding all of the costs of daycare and the kids are getting the extra benefit of being at home as well as freedom of schedules. Dev is also a completely equal partner in all of our debt. What a lucky guy ;).

I don't live planning the day for my marriage to end and refusing to do what is in the best interests of my family for its current and long term goals just because majority opinion in the community thinks its "bad" to support your ym.

I'm with you here, Marcy!

I'm in a simualar situation. Joel is attending Norwegian classes 3 times a week, so that he can learn Norwegian well enough to acctually get a job here in Norway. He is done now in June (he did the whole thing in 1 year what other uses 2-3 years and I'm extreemly proud of him for it). When I'm at work he does everything what a "housewife" does. He cleans, does the laundery, makes food and takes care of my 12 year old.

We are planning on having a kid and when that happens he is the one that is going to have to work and I will be the one that stays home and take care of things... this is what a relationship is all about supporting eachother... and I don't see anything wrong with it as long as it goes both ways.

I don't know what this fear of us "older women" is from "helping" or being the main caretaker when it coms to the economy comes from... but can it be that we (some of us) are affraid to be considered as "sugar mommies"?

I don't know what this fear of us "older women" is from "helping" or being the main caretaker when it coms to the economy comes from... but can it be that we (some of us) are affraid to be considered as "sugar mommies"?

This is an extremely good point!

Hey Joann...(thats my name too!)

I think that everyone has the best intentions here, and I don't think anyone wants to hurt your feelings.

I think the fact that you have only known each other 2 or 3 months (have you been dating that amount of time or known each other that amount of time?) leaves everyone feeling a little hesitant. It's very very early in the relationship you know? And I don't want you to feel disheartened by the answers you have received, but I do think these are women trying to being totally honest with you. I hope it doesn't hurt you feelings in the process...

Okay...my son is 20 years old as of a few days ago. And mind you, this is my son, so I have known him 20 years! lol When he first started college, he didn't work and he was carrying a heavy class load (18.5 credit hours). He had some grants and student loans and such, but I was paying for the rest. Im not sure he even SAW the bills, let alone pay them. I took care of things. I soon realized (with help from some members here in the chat room as well) that he really wasn't learning the things we all need to learn in life, because he didn't have to..because I was doing it ALL. If he was out of groceries, there I was at the door. Phone about to get turned off, don't stress it. etc.

So believe me when I tell you...I wanted to continue to do it all, because I love him so much BUT, I realize now it wasn't the best thing for him or me either. There's more to getting an education than just what you learn at school....there are many life lessons to be learned from working (even part time) and learning to be responsible with money, balancing your accounts, learning healthy spending habits, etc. blah blah blah...

Soooo...now my son works two part time jobs, one at the college in a work/study program that pays part of his tuition, and one in a clothing store in the mall. He still carries nearly the same class load, and he is going to graduate a year early. I do still help him some...i.e. I make his car payment basically, and I help him out here and there when he is in a pinch. We live 50 miles apart, so I want to make sure he has a decent car to drive home when he needs to.

He feels good about himself, because he has worked hard to get where he is, and taken care of himself. I don't think he would be near as capable if he was still attached to my apron strings.

Soooo...I guess the thing is..I think that the working etc is all a part of growing up and maturing. So my suggestion would be for your b/f to work at least part-time and carry a lighter class load. If your relationship continues on as happy and loving as it is right now, when he does need help Im sure he will turn to you, and if you are able to supply that help and feel good about doing it...then okay. You mentioned that he wants to work, and Im thinking that maybe this thread is more about convincing him it is okay to let you support him than it is about most anything else...If he wants to work, then I think you should support him in that. It's a sound, healthy decision on his part.

((hugs)) to you hon...your a wonderfully unselfish person to want to give so much to your b/f.

Okay, let me add...after reading the previous few posts..I do think it's different if your in a marriage, and both living in the home, etc.

J and I have discussed in the past me supporting him while he goes to college, and vice versa. But that is in a long-term committed relationship..and wasn't something we even remotely approached in the first few months of dating. There are many ways to support a household, and while one of you may be making the majority (or ALL) of the money, if the other is contributing to the running of the household by doing laundry, dishes, errands, helping with the children, cooking etc...then the contributions to the relationship and the running of the household are equal.

But in this case right now..I believe this couple is in an LDR, and to me thats just a bit different than those who have set up a household together, family situation, or what have you, and share in the running of that household, the bills and finances, the chores and upkeep, etc

I could be wrong!

Good post Jody... but...

There are lots of parents who are 85 to 90% footing the bill for college... and I do not believe for one second that this means that all those kids are going to graduate without understanding anything about money.

I have 2 kids in college right now. Both are considered dependent students. They can't even get aid because the schools go by my income. They have not had any kind of a qualifying event to make them independent students. Sure makes things expensive for me! They both do have some student loans, not much, however, I pay for the bulk of it with some help from their father. One student lives in the dorms and the other recently moved off campus. I find that our situation is not much different than most other parents/students I know. It would be impossible for either of my kids to send themselves to school due to such a high expected family contribution.

But in this case right now..I believe this couple is in an LDR, and to me thats just a bit different than those who have set up a household together, family situation, or what have you.

I could be wrong!

I agree entirely. My post was more in comment of the strong sentiment that one should not support their ym period. I wanted to let OP know that there are different opinions on the matter. Truly there must be commitment and trust in a situation where there is only one bread winner in the home.

Marcy, do you soley support your kids, or do they work part time for extra spending money, etc?

I guess I should have edited how I worded my post...My son's college tuition is paid for...between me and studen loans, grants and a scholarship and his work study program. When I said I only pay my son's car payment...I should have made it more clear. But..he pays the rest of his bills..i.e. cell phone, car insurance, gas, food, internet..etc.

I used to pay it ALL, but dang, it was really putting me in a bind! I so sympathize with you having two college age kids!

They both have very minor part time jobs. My son, a freshman at University of Cinncinati, works on breaks from school at home at a homeless shelter for women and children doing intake. He makes about 7 bucks an hour and can get a very decent amount of hours during the summer. He doesn't work at all at school right now. It is important to me that the kids really focus on studies the first year. It is harder than they plan to go away to school. There are so many distractions, so a little focus the freshman year is a good thing in my opinion. He is planning on a University position next year. It will be pretty minor. We're talking maybe 7 hours a week at maybe 6 dollars an hour.

My daughter has a position through the University as well and she just recently finished a stint with Americorp (not much money, but does reduce her student loans).

These dollars do help them buy little things they want and make it so they don't have to beg me for money all the time.

/edited to add: Ah I see Jody... yea my kids pay cell phone themselves. My son lives in the dorms so technically my money pays for most everything but cell phone ;). I have both kids on my car insurance and I pay that. My daughter pays for everything (except car insurance) herself... the thing is... they are paying these bills, but doing so in large part with my money... if that makes sense.

I don't think this has anything to do with OW/YM or anything like that. This has to do with respecting a man's right and need to own his own struggles. Just as parents can make the same mistake...they want to make it easier or take the "pain" away...and you can never do someone else's life work for them.

There are reasons why adult people (18 and over) are in whatever situation they are in...whether it's needing to work your way through school or whatever it is...it's a combination of fate and personal human condition.

It's true that maybe some people have it better than others...but this is life...when we are in a relationship with a man, it's not the woman's job to be his savior in all areas of life...as much as that sounds attractive to many of us. Especially in the case of OW/YM, this can become magnified.

Sometimes women want to INVEST (literally) in a man's potential rather than appreciate who he is at any given time. I feel that is a mistake. If you can't appreciate the man for who he is at any given time and let him pick himself up from his boot straps while you cheer him on in the sidelines, then you are not loving the REAL man he is. There are other ways to support and encourage your man other than paying for what he should be paying for. You can also advise him on how to get the proper loans and make realistic decisions about course load vs. work load...but ULTIMATELY that must be his decision to make. And...whatever mistakes he makes along the way...that his also the experience you must not try to take away from him. That will be part of his personal journey as a man.

In certain cases, I understand the situation...for example, Marcy's. They are in a committed marriage with children to care for. The situation makes sense. If the genders were reversed, it wouldn't be an issue. However, even if the genders were reversed in a situation where an OM is paying for a YW's education after only knowing her for a few months, I think it's inappropriate and premature. At 47, I'm returning to get another degree and I work full-time plus, and I'm certainly NOT made of money. I have some debts. I still wouldn't expect some man to pay for me. In my case, I wouldn't even want that if he were my husband...I have a very stubborn independent streak.

I also think that when an older or richer partner wants to do this...behind it lies a desire for the younger or less affluent partner to "catch-up" with them. I think it's important to decide whether you can blend your lives together at each respective life stage "as if" first. It's important and fair to let others have their own "experience" whatever it may be.

Hey Joann...(thats my name too!)

I think that everyone has the best intentions here, and I don't think anyone wants to hurt your feelings.

I think the fact that you have only known each other 2 or 3 months (have you been dating that amount of time or known each other that amount of time?) leaves everyone feeling a little hesitant. It's very very early in the relationship you know? And I don't want you to feel disheartened by the answers you have received, but I do think these are women trying to being totally honest with you. I hope it doesn't hurt you feelings in the process...

Okay...my son is 20 years old as of a few days ago. And mind you, this is my son, so I have known him 20 years! lol When he first started college, he didn't work and he was carrying a heavy class load (18.5 credit hours). He had some grants and student loans and such, but I was paying for the rest. Im not sure he even SAW the bills, let alone pay them. I took care of things. I soon realized (with help from some members here in the chat room as well) that he really wasn't learning the things we all need to learn in life, because he didn't have to..because I was doing it ALL. If he was out of groceries, there I was at the door. Phone about to get turned off, don't stress it. etc.

So believe me when I tell you...I wanted to continue to do it all, because I love him so much BUT, I realize now it wasn't the best thing for him or me either. There's more to getting an education than just what you learn at school....there are many life lessons to be learned from working (even part time) and learning to be responsible with money, balancing your accounts, learning healthy spending habits, etc. blah blah blah...

Soooo...now my son works two part time jobs, one at the college in a work/study program that pays part of his tuition, and one in a clothing store in the mall. He still carries nearly the same class load, and he is going to graduate a year early. I do still help him some...i.e. I make his car payment basically, and I help him out here and there when he is in a pinch. We live 50 miles apart, so I want to make sure he has a decent car to drive home when he needs to.

He feels good about himself, because he has worked hard to get where he is, and taken care of himself. I don't think he would be near as capable if he was still attached to my apron strings.

Soooo...I guess the thing is..I think that the working etc is all a part of growing up and maturing. So my suggestion would be for your b/f to work at least part-time and carry a lighter class load. If your relationship continues on as happy and loving as it is right now, when he does need help Im sure he will turn to you, and if you are able to supply that help and feel good about doing it...then okay. You mentioned that he wants to work, and Im thinking that maybe this thread is more about convincing him it is okay to let you support him than it is about most anything else...If he wants to work, then I think you should support him in that. It's a sound, healthy decision on his part.

((hugs)) to you hon...your a wonderfully unselfish person to want to give so much to your b/f.

Thank you very much for your input it is very helpful. I will take in what everyone has said and rethink my decision. Thanks again I really appreciate your opinion. :)

Okay, let me add...after reading the previous few posts..I do think it's different if your in a marriage, and both living in the home, etc.

J and I have discussed in the past me supporting him while he goes to college, and vice versa. But that is in a long-term committed relationship..and wasn't something we even remotely approached in the first few months of dating. There are many ways to support a household, and while one of you may be making the majority (or ALL) of the money, if the other is contributing to the running of the household by doing laundry, dishes, errands, helping with the children, cooking etc...then the contributions to the relationship and the running of the household are equal.

But in this case right now..I believe this couple is in an LDR, and to me thats just a bit different than those who have set up a household together, family situation, or what have you, and share in the running of that household, the bills and finances, the chores and upkeep, etc

I could be wrong!

Hi again,
Just to give you a little more information we have actually got together he came here and spent 11 days with me in March, and everything is great. We talk on the phone all the time and on the computer and know he is sincere and genuine. His plan is to come here again next week, as a matter of fact and stay for a couple of weeks to set up his classes here and to look for a part-time job. If all pans out we are going to get a place together. Thanks for your help. I really do appreciate your insight:)

Long story short... he came to the US from Germany to live with me and do post-grad study, against his parents' wishes. He used his trust fund to pay his tuition, and we equally shared all living expenses. His parents demanded that he return to Germany and launch a career there, or else they would disinherit him. He could have stayed here to finish his degree, plus he had a work permit. But his dependency on their money was too strong. He broke up with me and went back to Germany in December. Now 4 months later he's still unemployed and living at home with his parents - no degree and no job in sight. He has never worked, never had to support himself. Tonight he drunk-dialed me. He feels worthless and useless. When he was here, he was getting top grades and highest commendations from his professors. He had enormous potential. I cheered him on, gave him emotional support, and space for study time. There is nothing I can do for him now. I love him, but he has to stand up for himself. I don't know if he ever will.

The ironic thing is, he often told me how much he admired me for being financially independent since my early 20s. Especially he admired that I put myself through graduate school, working fulltime while taking a full course load at the same time. He said he could never imagine that for himself. Why would he have to? The parents paid for everything. He has never struggled, never had to budget or hold down a job or sacrifice to achieve his goals. And look where he is now.

End of hijack/vent.
Thanks for sharing it is very much appreciated ;)

Excuse me, in my particular case, I have not said that my bf is a bad guy, or immature. Not at all. Also we had a healthy and loving 3 year relationship before he moved here. He was financially independent until he moved here.

This is true! I love my bf and he loves me yet sometimes we find ourselves me feeling used and him feeling trapped! What we are all trying to tell you is that good intentions and generosity turn into something ugly that instead of facilitating a relationship becomes a problem.

My bf and I are very lucky that our relationship was strong before his move because this has been very trying. We have been very close to breaking up and we have both had to use every ounce of patience! And as I said, I can't wait until he gets his work permit and this period of "dependence" is over. We never knew it was going to take this long.

Hey Shelia
I am sorry that you took offense to my statement but just so you know it was not directed towards anyone, it was just that...a statement. I was just saying what was on my mind at the time. I do not judge others I try to only speak from experience and I speak from the heart. I see alot of people here are quick to judge or jump to conclusions. There is a difference between giving advice and judging. Regardless I appreciate all the input I get here weather it be positive, negative or constructive everyone is intitled to their own opinion, and I was just curious as to what you all thought about the situation. I am listening to everyone that has posted here and trying to understand all aspects, this has helped me alot. I just hope you can understand where I am coming from. Thanks for taking the time to post here you opinion is greatly appreciated.
Joann

No ofense taken Joann. :)

Hi there! I'm from the other side of the board but I just thought of adding my opinion. Your relationship is waaaaaaaaaaay too young for you to offer any financial support. There are soooooo many things that you are yet to find out about your guy and until you have been together for a at least a year until then I suggest that you keep your purse closed and your credit cards close to your heart. I'm not trying to be negative, I'm just urging you to be cautious! There are many guys who will appear sincere and use the card - "I don't want to seem lazy" just so they can gain your respect when deep down what they are seeking is someone to support them until someone better (in their minds) turns up! Many people here who are experienced with dealing with young guys will explain to you why its necessary for the ym to secure his independence... please listen!

I think doubt is echoing and that's why you are here ! Listen to that little nagging voice - your intuition, as there is no logical way you can be sure of his sincerity this soon in your relationship!

All the best

You are right. Nothing is set in stone we are just at the idea stage right now. There is a lot going through my head right now. I just want to do the right thing for him as well as myself. Its not that I am doubting anything it is more of an unexperienced part of me with dealing with younger men. It has been 19 years since I have been in a relationship and my first experience with a younger man. And I do relize dealing with a younger man you have different obstacles. But all in all, love is love no matter how you slice it, I mean this in a good way. I guess I will just slow it down a bit, step back, take a breath and move on to the next thread in our life. I am confident if it is meant to be it will all work out in the end, only time will tell. Thanks for your input.

Hello. I completely agree with Faith and Pinkpanther. Even though you both want your YM to be successful, it will mean much more if he does it himself, with your emotional support. I have seen this scenario too many times, to know that no good ever comes from it.

Can I just add this? When I met my hubby to be....I was 17 and he was 21. He was newly moved to Adelaide, as I was. We lived together for 6 years before we married and stayed married until his death at age 41. Anyway, he was working, as was I. He wanted to get a degree in Accountancy...he did that. The only support I gave him was love, snuggles, time out of hugging him so he could study in peace. We both had wages (not huge) and had to meet our rent payments. He studied, I did my hobbies (of art) we both worked.....we had fun....money wasnt an issue because we both worked and pooled it. He took care of the bills. If we had a problem we talked about it. We both started with nothing so it wasnt a worry about who did what.

You are in your 40s. By now, you should have accumulated something in your life. If you havent....then you have the same to offer as I did when I was young...very little. If you have...then you also have to wonder what the younger male is after besides sex.

I fell inlove with a guy who was married...but then separated. He was in the same type of marriage as myself...equals. We met......but after our marriages dissolved....we loved for a while but he met a woman 6 years older than himself. I asked if he would have loved her whatever her circumstances, even if she were poor....he said no, the income and status made him fall inlove and marry her. Its a very enticing thing and over-rides other stuff. I was flabbergasted and asked around. I found, in my 5 years of researchng that many older women/younger men AND younger women/older men things were financial......and it was scary. Even had the idea to follow my heart to a younger male but it turned out the same...but he was nuts (read DSMV antisocial personality) into the bargain....so I give up.

Maybe you dont treat him like a son.......but with maturity comes mature wants....equality, love, offspring, sex, companionship, fun, stability....and endurance of those feelings. Endurance is the main thing...so wait...a few years and see where it all goes...for you and him. Thats all can be said really...be you for many years and see if he stays around.

Despite a very strong point of view in the community that an OW should not ever, ever support her ym (and of course this means the dollars and cents here... emotional support goes without saying these are romantic relationships after all), I *DO* support my husband. I work. He goes to school. (italics mine for reference below)

I'm not sure that Marcy's assessment of the point of view above of the community here is correct....it seems to me that most (if not all) of us don't have any issue with an OW being the bulk of financial support in a relationship where she is married to a younger man. Marcy IS married and has been with her ym IRL now for years. It's working for them.

Joann's scenario is totally different....she and her ym have only briefly known each other (and he definitely seems like a really sweet guy on the boards here...this has nothing to do about him at all, but everything to do with the dynamics created when an OW gives money/financial support to a ym)...their relationship is still squarely in the infatuation stage (such a fun place to be:D )...and they are for the most part an LDR, in the infant stages.

Jake just called me on his lunch break. I explained the scenario to him and asked him from a ym's perspective what he thinks about a situation where a OW finances a YM's college or other life areas. This is his answer, and I quote,
"....Don't think you are helping a younger man along by holding him back from his independence.." He also said that a woman (of any age) who is not married to a guy, but pays his way, is unknowingly setting up a "mothering" scenario, even if her intentions are good.

*cough*....NONE of us want to even get close to "mothering" our men. Joann, seriously, although it may seem like the loving thing to do to make your ym's way "easier" now, it truly is best to allow him to make it on his own...that way he OWNS his accomplishments fullly. He grows through the struggle, and feels good at the finish line for making it alone. We ALL need that at one time or another to feel great about ourselves and our autonomy.

"....Don't think you are helping a younger man along by holding him back from his independence.." He also said that a woman (of any age) who is not married to a guy, but pays his way, is unknowingly setting up a "mothering" scenario, even if her intentions are good.

*cough*....NONE of us want to even get close to "mothering" our men. Joann, seriously, although it may seem like the loving thing to do to make your ym's way "easier" now, it truly is best to allow him to make it on his own...that way he OWNS his accomplishments fullly. He grows through the struggle, and feels good at the finish line for making it alone. We ALL need that at one time or another to feel great about ourselves and our autonomy.
I want to agree with this and also reiterate that it isn't just a male thing - it's a person thing. I recently ended a relationship with a man who was paying most of the bills while I was (and am) in grad school. While I did actually spend more on the household as a percentage of my income, that still wasn't much. Right now, in my tiny apartment, having to budget pretty carefully, I'm so much happier and feel so much more like an adult than I did before. Yes, it was easier to have someone else worry about finances. But I wasn't happier, and I wasn't learning how to live my own life, with all the struggles and limitations that come along with that. What is easiest is rarely what is best.

take into consideration the fact that on an unconscious level you may be trying to buy his affection and also be trying to keep him around and create a sense that he is beholden to you. this would all be subconscious, as i see that you are a sincere sweet person...

yes of course life is about helping those we love, but this could backfire in your face because you may be turning yourself into a "sugar mama" without intending to.

i sense that you may possibly need him too much...

take that money and put it into yourself.

see if the relationship endures even if you don't give him any money...

that is a big turn off for me...because i've done it and was burned every time.

I want to echo what a few others have said - your relationship is very new and you are not living close or together. That to me rings big warning bells.

I am not in anyway suggesting your guy isn't totally honest, sincere and loaded with integrity. It's just that you are not yet in a condition to make decisions like this - in my not remotely humble opinion.

I think no matter our age, in the first few months of a relationship, we are all are in that happy "thrown brain out the window" stage, aka being newly in love.

We have no real sense of the other's faults (faults? he's perfect - no really, I've never felt this way before, we don't fight and he's always so sweet and loving and.... you get the idea).

We have not yet discovered their issues and how they intersect with ours.

We have not yet once resented having to do anything for him because he is so lovely and perfect and we've never felt this way before (see above).

I think it is inadvisable to make any decisions that will significantly affect how the relationship will unfold this early in a relationship. You have to have a sense of all the other's characteristics before you can properly make a decision that could have serious consequences for the rest of your relationship.

Even if he is forever appreciable and reciprocates or pays you back financially, you will have set up a dynamic (as others have said) that could cause no end of problems. He may resent needing your help. You may later resent being out of pocket. He may feel you are controlling. You may feel he is not as responsible as you'd like him to be. And on and on and on. Of course none of this may happen - but the point is, you've thrown your brain out the window, you have no idea what might happen and you are under the impression he's perfect.

When R and I were first together, I was very stupid about wanting to pay for things and buy presents because I make way more than he does. It made him really uncomfortable - which I found irritating because I just thought there was no issue and why not have fun with the money I make.

I've come to realize that this is quite a complex issue in our relationship. R hates feeling like he isn't paying his own way. I think it undermines his sense of autonomy and ability to provide for himself and for me. And I have realized that I have to respect that.

I lent him some money once for a huge dentist's bill (broken tooth, hockey accident, no benefits at the time) and he scrupulously repaid it out of every pay cheque for about a year. It just about killed me to take that money from him because it was miniscule to me and I knew how much of a chunk out of his paycheque it was for him - but it was so significant to him that I just took the money and thanked him.

I think these are issues of gender, age and class and no matter how much we want them not to matter, they do.

So I say be very, very, very careful - and if pushed to be more definitive, I'd say don't do it.

I want to agree with this and also reiterate that it isn't just a male thing - it's a person thing.

Yes. When I was married, my ex made a lot more dough and paid for all the household expenses while i basically worked for my own personal expenses and that's it. And I did end up seeing him in a fatherly role to me (and he was actually slightly younger).

My husband works 40 hours a week plus overtime, goes to the art institute 4 nights a week from 6:00 - 10:30, plus Saturday morning classes, takes care of our little family, worries about the day to day finances with me, helps pay bills, helps with the care of our daughter, goes to all her school functions, has mounds and mounds of homework, has art projects that he must work on daily, plus he finds time to help clean, cook, do laundry, make love and most importantly still plays his online games.....lol

This is our life and it works for us. Our life is complete.

Love,
Sora

I think these are issues of gender, age and class and no matter how much we want them not to matter, they do.


very true!

Hi again,
Just to give you a little more information we have actually got together he came here and spent 11 days with me in March, and everything is great. We talk on the phone all the time and on the computer and know he is sincere and genuine. His plan is to come here again next week, as a matter of fact and stay for a couple of weeks to set up his classes here and to look for a part-time job. If all pans out we are going to get a place together. Thanks for your help. I really do appreciate your insight:)


I think everyone has made good points, about the newness of the relationship and taking a step back etc.

I also think that many people take steps to move a relationship forward after a few months and everything works out fine. There are always several paths to take....and we each must follow the one that best suits our own, personal needs. So really, after 4 months, him wanting to move there with you, go to school and get a part time job to at least help with some of the expenses sounds like a reasonable plan. It may not work out....but that is the case with half of ALL relationships. I think you are honestly thinking about things at least...and you really will never know all of his faults, nor he yours, until you are together more IRL. For many of us, that means moving in WITH the other person.... I see that as a reasonable next step. If he moves there in another month or so - you two will have known each other almost 6 months. You have to actually LIVE life as well as plan it out as best as you can.

Good luck!!!

Actually, I would edit one word above to read "independent" and go farther and say: Do not provide any financial help at all. This is his road to autonomy, and he needs to walk it, just like you and I did. Your intent is good, but meeting financial needs of a young man you are dating is absolutely a bad idea. It creates an atmosphere of obligation...and what first seemed like generosity from you and gratitude from him becomes resentment from you and feeling trapped by him. Making things "easier" for someone you care about often returns as a feeling of entitlement later on...and, it's through the struggles in life that we grow strongest (not the easy things), don't you want that for him? Think of it another way...if you were 20, had known a guy since January online, etc., would you pay for his college expenses? No...it's a pretty absurd thought in that context, but is important because what you wouldn't do if you were the same age is what you shouldn't do now just because you are older and have more financial means.

If you two were married, that would be a different story (not dating, not even engaged...but married, where finances are combined, etc.). You are not even close...you have mostly an online relationship and have only known each other since January.

Offer him support in all other ways (encouragement, hugs, words of pride in his accomplishments and hard work toward a degree)...but not with money.


Two things.....

I think her ym is 23.

I think it is a little judgemental to use the institute of marriage as a moral compass....plenty of people have exremely healthy, monogomous and long term relationships without being married. And plenty of married people have unhealthy, crappy, and manipulative relationships....

jmo...probably not worth much anyways! :p

I'm thinking of my culture here now... after reading all of the posts above about how helping the young man out may make for some resentment later on.

Actually, I don't understand how if you LOAN money to a guy that it has the same effect because isn't he going to feel the sense of accomplishment and all if he DOES pay it back?

But that aside, the Islamic law keeps popping into my head that no matter how rich a woman is, in an Islamic marriage, the husband MUST provide for her daily needs (housing, food, clothing). Even if she's the richest woman in the world, he is supposed to do that. So this is very interesting to me... and I can see how the husband providing for the family (especially in our culture) can be a relationship BUILDER. And after having been married to men who couldn't do that, I can whole heartedly agree that supporting the man, and not the other way around, has a destructive effect on the relationship.

But I'm really wondering, too, about giving a LOAN to a young man. As an investment, does it really have the same effect? He could be getting a loan from anywhere else, say to start a business, and if it fails or succeeds has to do with his work ethics, etc., not who loaned the money (or does it?) And I'm thinking of Khadijah who was the older woman by 15 years who had a successful business. She hired Muhammad to run and supervise her caravans. He made her even MORE successful. And THEN she asked him to marry her (and he agreed). It seems to have worked out for them!

Yes. When I was married, my ex made a lot more dough and paid for all the household expenses while i basically worked for my own personal expenses and that's it. And I did end up seeing him in a fatherly role to me (and he was actually slightly younger).

Was it a "fatherly" role or a "provider" role? Are only fathers providers?

This isn't a positive reply and it might not be helpful at all, but for what it's worth...

My best friend put both of her ex-husbands through college. Her first ex was 2 years younger than she was, her second ex was 11 years younger. From what I observed, this arrangement set up a dynamic and balance of power that ultimately contributed to undermining both relationships.

But everyone is different. There is no set formula.

When I lived there! I had a few friends who'd moved to school to help their hubbies with expenses, and most of them got divorced when the man graduated! Working on a school degree sometimes gives people a lot of ego, the higher they go, the more *I'm better than you* they get. Some cultures support marrying up, and when the man becomes an MD or Phd, suddenly his ex doesn't feel good enough.

Now for a more grounded view of you and your situation now, I think it's way too soon! You met him about 90 days ago. If he were a tv you purchased at Walmart you could still return him for a refund if something went wrong, or you just decided you wanted a larger set! I've always pushed people not to get in too deep too fast, for a myriad of reasons. And I think it's still wise here.

Is there anything wrong with supporting him with friendship, and not money just yet???

Ali

I agree with those who say its very early in the relationship.

I dont even worry about the ages, or the distance. I say spend more time together, know each other for a year, spend all 4 seasons together, as a friend says. Then you'll know much more :)

Joann,

I am getting ready to graduate in five weeks for the second time from college. (My first degree is in nursing, this one is in human development.)

No one has ever given me a dime to go to college. I've gotten grants, loans, tuition reimbursement, etc. Anyone who has the desire to go to college in the USA can figure out a way without someone else paying for it. Don't put your own money on the line when alternative funding is available and abundant.

That's just not a smart move on your part, no matter how benevolent your intentions. It will bite you in the butt, one way or another, in the end. As a middle aged woman, you have to take care of YOU, not someone else, no matter how much you love them. This is a young relationship. Love yourself first.

I think her ym is 23.

I think it is a little judgemental to use the institute of marriage as a moral compass....plenty of people have exremely healthy, monogomous and long term relationships without being married. And plenty of married people have unhealthy, crappy, and manipulative relationships

Her ym is 22...just pulled "20" out of the air to represent someone in their early 20's....could have said 22, same dif.

No moral compass at all...just another example of a comitted couple in it for the long haul .....I used "married" as an example; could apply to co-habitating couples with a long history of a relationship IRL who have combined incomes/household responsibilities, etc.

You know, Joann, I think I may have misunderstood a couple things...

I thought that you were going to be sending your young man money to support him while he was in school..but it sounds as if he is going to be coming where you are...and going to school there. You mentioned he was going to be setting up his classes...etc, on his visit.

Will you two be living together during the time he is attending classes, etc?

Im so silly, I think I need to read more carefully. And what you are saying is...you'd like to pay all the bills, and have him just attend school and concentrate on that for a while...but you two will be living togeth or he will be living separately in the same area?

Think of it another way...if you were 20, had known a guy since January online, etc., would you pay for his college expenses? No...it's a pretty absurd thought in that context, but is important because what you wouldn't do if you were the same age is what you shouldn't do now just because you are older and have more financial means.

If you two were married, that would be a different story (not dating, not even engaged...but married, where finances are combined, etc.). You are not even close...you have mostly an online relationship and have only known each other since January.

Offer him support in all other ways (encouragement, hugs, words of pride in his accomplishments and hard work toward a degree)...but not with money.

Ok....lol...he WILL be 23 by the time he heads back up there :p in 2 weeks or whatever it is. But I think from her posts, she is talking about moving the relationship to the next step. For him, that means going to college, wherever he is (I could be wrong, but it sounded like that in one of her last posts in this thread). So, if he is going to school, working part time and she is covering the rest - even most - of their expenses, I don't see that as a big deal. They won't get to the point of a long term, commited relatioship without a move on one of their parts. AND...a lot of people are real sticklers on this whole financial support thing, but in these age gap, LDR relationships, it is usually the younger person (M or F) who ends up doing the moving for the precise reason we get worried about. The older person is more established, has a long standing career they can't leave, a home they own, children that can't move b/c of divorce decrees etc. And yet, we often don't give enough fair attention to the very real concerns facing the younger person....leaving their comfort zone, taking a chance that if it doesn't work out, they have invested a lot of time and what little money they might have, and they too are left with nothing but a broken heart. I am not saying this situation has all of those components - or that it isn't still kind of early for them to take this step and move to where she is....but I do think sometimes it can work out. AND - her ym is older than 18....5 years makes a big difference (based on your feeelings written about in many of your posts about this developmant period in a person's life). HE may very well be ready for a long term commited rellationship and this may be the best thing that happens for either of them.

Of course - it may turn out to be a disaster. I am NOT advocating any particular path. I just think in another month or 2, whenever the move would happen, it appears to be a reasonably discusses, thought out process for the 2 of them to try to move this experience to the next level.

*I DO agree that too much financial support - in the form of one person not contributing what they can between a full school load and at least a part time job - is detrimental to the dynamcis of ANY relationship unless both parties are comfortable and clear with the other responsibilites of the non-workin person (such as stay at home mom or dad who's hard work is appreciated by the non-stay at home partner). I myself was in that situation with my ex....and like Sheila, it was a constant source of attack in any fight - making him feel like I didn't appreciate the other things he DID do and making me resentful and pressured to provide ALL the household income. So i DO see the concerns that have been expressed as valid and insightful. I just also feel that these online relatioships HAVE to move into the realm of r/l asap and that usually involves some slightly unconvenentional manuevering on the part of both people involved. Added to the already unconventional aspect of the OW/YM dynamic, it can be overwhelming.

My point to the OP was....IF you guys have discussed this at length, and IF he is going to be providing at least some form of assistance and IF you both feel that relationship is what you want and need to explore....then DO IT and ENJOY IT - whether it lasts one semester or one decade or one lifetime. It will teach them both valuable lessons that we all have to experience in one way or another. ***I myself would not, however, provide 100% of financial and academic suppport to anyone except my ex - who am doing just that for...another VERY long, off-topic story!!!!

Special K...my assumption (and we all know what they say about those!! :o ) was inferred from the bolded part of your quote - "not even engaged"....it sounded like only marriage was what you felt was a valid reason for helping a partner out financially....my mistake! :)

I want to agree with this and also reiterate that it isn't just a male thing - it's a person thing. I recently ended a relationship with a man who was paying most of the bills while I was (and am) in grad school. While I did actually spend more on the household as a percentage of my income, that still wasn't much. Right now, in my tiny apartment, having to budget pretty carefully, I'm so much happier and feel so much more like an adult than I did before. Yes, it was easier to have someone else worry about finances. But I wasn't happier, and I wasn't learning how to live my own life, with all the struggles and limitations that come along with that. What is easiest is rarely what is best.

Just a thought/comment here... (this is a very interesting thread btw)

Just because someone else's income drove the family support doesn't mean that a partner is devoid of budgeting and bill paying. Our accounts are joint and my husband actually does most of the budgeting/bill paying. He's the one checking the heat and turning it down (grrr... he's always turning it down). The income is family income, just like it would be if I was a stay at home. It doesn't mean that there is a caretaker. We caretake each other.

My husband works 40 hours a week plus overtime, goes to the art institute 4 nights a week from 6:00 - 10:30, plus Saturday morning classes, takes care of our little family, worries about the day to day finances with me, helps pay bills, helps with the care of our daughter, goes to all her school functions, has mounds and mounds of homework, has art projects that he must work on daily, plus he finds time to help clean, cook, do laundry, make love and most importantly still plays his online games.....lol

This is our life and it works for us. Our life is complete.

Love,
Sora

This is great, but doesn't mean that this works for everyone or that it even *should* work for everyone. We still have childcare age kids and Devon's income potential isn't high. There is no need for him to work and this works out to the advantage of our family goals. Doesn't mean our lives aren't complete or that he'll never work. He's looking forward to having a fulfilling career and I'm happy for him.

As a complete aside here, I didn't work when I was a fulltime student either. I had 2 young children at that time too (the older 2 were young then lol) and I was a single parent. I arranged my classes around their days and avoided childcare altogether then too. Didn't hurt my self-esteem or career objectives in the slightest.

You know, Joann, I think I may have misunderstood a couple things...

I thought that you were going to be sending your young man money to support him while he was in school..but it sounds as if he is going to be coming where you are...and going to school there. You mentioned he was going to be setting up his classes...etc, on his visit.

Will you two be living together during the time he is attending classes, etc?

Im so silly, I think I need to read more carefully. And what you are saying is...you'd like to pay all the bills, and have him just attend school and concentrate on that for a while...but you two will be living togeth or he will be living separately in the same area?

Joann
His intention is to move here and at first get a job and a place to live, set up his schooling and go from there. That way we would be able to get to know each other even better and spend time together. I have listened to everyone on this thread and feel that everyone has good points and made me think about things I didn't even consider until now. So thanks to everyone that has taken the time to help me with this situation, I am so grateful for all the advice you all have given me. I think it is probably a better idea for him to live alone at first so that he can get on his feet. We will eventually move in together but I am waiting a little while to see what he accomplishes on his own that doesn't mean I won't help him out from time to time cause I will. We have been very open with each other about everything and we pretty much agree on things. He has the drive and determination to move here to be near me, go to school, get a place and eventually take this to the next level. We are already best friends and I myself am determined to make this work. I am just slowing things down a little, letting him take control of his life. I know he will do good and I will back him up 110%.

It sounds like you both are thinking things out, and i think living apart at first, but nearer to each other is a great idea.

I really wish you both the best, and much happiness! :yes:

Just because someone else's income drove the family support doesn't mean that a partner is devoid of budgeting and bill paying. Our accounts are joint and my husband actually does most of the budgeting/bill paying. He's the one checking the heat and turning it down (grrr... he's always turning it down). The income is family income, just like it would be if I was a stay at home. It doesn't mean that there is a caretaker. We caretake each other.
I'm glad that's working for the two of you. Maybe it's a personal defect, because I was the one making sure the rent was paid (I should have been making sure other bills got paid because he was often late in paying them), I did all the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, vacation planning, etc. and I still felt like I wasn't really an adult because he made so much more money than I did and we were living well above my means. If other people can do that and not feel the way I did, then that's great. And maybe it's something you're doing that allows him to be comfortable in that situation. But I do think it's something to watch out for, depending on the people involved.

Well not trying to be argumentative here (really I'm not), but if you were doing all of those things inside of your relationship then you truly already knew budgeting etc *before* moving out on your own, correct? I got the impression from your first post that you were uninvolved in finances and therefore didn't become a true "financial adult" until moving out on your own. /edited to add: Though I'm not sure why I read it that way because upon re-reading it... you surely didn't say that at all... I think my post wasn't a good one LOL! (should've read better 'doh)

I do understand the point about living beyond your means and how that made you feel its a good point. It isn't one that is affecting us, but I can see how it could affect a couple for sure.

Ok....lol...he WILL be 23 by the time he heads back up there :p in 2 weeks or whatever it is. But I think from her posts, she is talking about moving the relationship to the next step. For him, that means going to college, wherever he is (I could be wrong, but it sounded like that in one of her last posts in this thread). So, if he is going to school, working part time and she is covering the rest - even most - of their expenses, I don't see that as a big deal. They won't get to the point of a long term, commited relatioship without a move on one of their parts. AND...a lot of people are real sticklers on this whole financial support thing, but in these age gap, LDR relationships, it is usually the younger person (M or F) who ends up doing the moving for the precise reason we get worried about. The older person is more established, has a long standing career they can't leave, a home they own, children that can't move b/c of divorce decrees etc. And yet, we often don't give enough fair attention to the very real concerns facing the younger person....leaving their comfort zone, taking a chance that if it doesn't work out, they have invested a lot of time and what little money they might have, and they too are left with nothing but a broken heart. I am not saying this situation has all of those components - or that it isn't still kind of early for them to take this step and move to where she is....but I do think sometimes it can work out. AND - her ym is older than 18....5 years makes a big difference (based on your feeelings written about in many of your posts about this developmant period in a person's life). HE may very well be ready for a long term commited rellationship and this may be the best thing that happens for either of them.

Of course - it may turn out to be a disaster. I am NOT advocating any particular path. I just think in another month or 2, whenever the move would happen, it appears to be a reasonably discusses, thought out process for the 2 of them to try to move this experience to the next level.



Here, here!!!!

I can definitely relate to this point of view. At one point I was considering making the move to Philly as a student, and I would only have been able to do that with a certain amount of financial support from Donna. This would have been forced on us (to an extent) because, as an international student, I would only have been allowed to work up to 15 hours a week, on campus. However, whatever the circumstances, the dynamics would have been the same. We wouldn't have been married and I would have been reliant on her, financally. I was concious that I would have been, and didn't want to freeload off her, so I figured there were other ways in which I could help... in the same way as Devon does with Marcy. So, whilst a lot of people might point out that 'men resent being financially' reliant, I don't think it's necessarily that cut and dry. There's two of us that don't fit that description.

Right now I am reliant on her anyway, at least for a few months. That's because I can't work legally at the moment. Today I picked her daughter up from school, yesterday I stayed home with her because she didn't go to school as she'd just come back from Hawaii and was jet lagged. I'd started making dinner when she came home, and I'm just about to go and sort something out for tonight now. I'm sure Donna appreciates this.

Besides which, give it 20 years and I'll still be working while she likely won't be. Will she resent ME then? Should she be expected to? Hows about me resenting her for leeching off me whilst I didn't when I was younger?

This being said, I would be wary about jumping into a situation where he is reliant completely within a (proportionately) short amount of time. I suppose that also depends on how much it will impact you financially too.

It sounds like you both are thinking things out, and i think living apart at first, but nearer to each other is a great idea.

I really wish you both the best, and much happiness! :yes:
Thank you so much we both appreciate the sentiment. We are both determined to always keep the love alive and fresh, and to always communicate about anything and everything. Thanks again :bgrin2:

To put it short and simply-
It's way too new of a relationship for you to do that.

It will mean much more to him if he supports himself and goes to school.

Just a thought/comment here... (this is a very interesting thread btw)

This is great, but doesn't mean that this works for everyone or that it even *should* work for everyone. We still have childcare age kids and Devon's income potential isn't high. There is no need for him to work and this works out to the advantage of our family goals. Doesn't mean our lives aren't complete or that he'll never work. He's looking forward to having a fulfilling career and I'm happy for him.

Marcy,

I never meant to offend you or anyone else. I was just saying what works for us. I never think less of anyone in whatever they choose. We're all in different walks of lives with different life choices.

Please accept my apologies. I just meant that OUR life was complete and it works for US. As YOUR life is complete and works for YOU.

Love,
Sora

You didn't offend me. I guess my words were too strong! Its all good Sora.

(((Sora)))

Joann...

I think that sounds like a good plan. It's not rushing into things by moving in together too soon, but still being "together", you know? My b/f and I lived about 25-30 miles apart for 5 years...is that taking it slow or what? lol

And I understand where you are coming from..he's relocating to be closer to you, going to college up there, finding a place of his own and a job...and if needs a little help, you'd like to do that. I think if you feel comfortable with that and he does too...it's all good.

((hugs)) It all sounds good...and I sure wish you all the best of luck with his move and your relationship....

Joann...

I think that sounds like a good plan. It's not rushing into things by moving in together too soon, but still being "together", you know? My b/f and I lived about 25-30 miles apart for 5 years...is that taking it slow or what? lol

And I understand where you are coming from..he's relocating to be closer to you, going to college up there, finding a place of his own and a job...and if needs a little help, you'd like to do that. I think if you feel comfortable with that and he does too...it's all good.



((hugs)) It all sounds good...and I sure wish you all the best of luck with his move and your relationship....
Hey Joann
I just wanted to say thank you for your input it all has helped me make my current decision. Thanks again. ;)

Can I ask what do you mean exactly when you say "many women do this and get the crap end of the stick"? Just Curious. I won't be putting him through school just supporting him in his endeavors. I to am planning on going back to college also. So we would both be supporting each other.

ahhh good did not want you to get pooeyed on ..i do wish you all well....im heading back to school soon to..ackkk so want to finish it up before i move

Emotional support YES

Financial support NO



I think that after reading all of the posts here, the consensus is pretty crystal clear.

Keep and open mind, nobody here is twisting your intentions, but you must realize that there are hundreds of people with hundreds of points of view and point of perspectives.

IMO and coming from a guys point of view, yes it is an incredible gesture from you, and after all money is JUST money in the end, but I would never accept a womans help considering the age of the relationship.
I was involved with one older gal, with whom I was with for over 4 years, she at the end, when things were not working out, was offering me material things, BIG things too. But I did not accept any of them...it was when I really felt it was time to walk out of the relationship. It was sour for months at that time any way...we just grew apart in so many ways.

Had I been a user, I would have taken her to the clearners, she was vulnerable I think and desperate as well.

Let your guy fight for his own and let him show YOU that he wants to be successful. In the end, when all this is over and delt with and he is out of school, he will appreciate his diploma that much more!!




Attractive31